Fun App

Last night a friend introduced me to the best app ever, CatPaint. You take any photo and just add cats onto it! You can change the size and style of cat, anything you want. Pure genius. I'm going to send this to the girl whose dog I'm watching and tell her out apartment got overrun by strays.

Storm Love

Wow you guys, something actually happened on the Weather Channel!

Party Time!

Ain't no party like a cleaning my desk party cuz the cleaning my desk party don't stop. Until it does, which it just did.

Uh Ok

I will give $10 to the first person who can tell me what this product really is:

But Seriously

Everyone relax- gay marriage is still legal in some states. The Clearly Homosexual Jonas otherwise known as Kevin, finally tied the knot with his best friend a woman who was once a hairdresser. I don't want to go into her butter face but I will say it looks like someone squeezed all her features in with a vice and it stuck. Maybe that narrow view she always has will come in handy when Kevin starts going off on weekend fishing trips with Tom Cruise and Will Smith. Just saying.

HOLY DOWNER GUYS!

Hey, remember 9/11 when everyone lost their mind? Even Jon Stewart is human. If you never saw this, check it out, or not, if you don't want to be depressed. I remember watching this the night it aired and thinking, wow. Everyone's all sorts of f@#ked up. Why am I reminded of this now? No idea. This end of the decade crap has gotten me all reminiscent.

I'm Confused

In the vein of shitty ads, let's look at Musical Sexytimes. Musical Sexytimes is the same as Musical Chairs, except that when the music stops, you all throw each other on the shag carpet and no one loses. Please someone explain this ad to me.

Oh Boy

They added in the last "S" for savings.

Please Enjoy This

THIS has got to be my favorite Facebook post ever. From my friend Steve, here is the exact quote:

"A Cindy Adams 'Only in New York' moment: Me, watching the Cookie Monster watch an anti-Israel rally move up 6th ave."

My New Friend

How is that dog doing, you ask? The one I'm watching for the holidays? She's a 9 lb. Shih-Tzu and we are having so much fun. My dog likes her a lot and I'm not normally into small dogs but this one's a real character. I've spent the better part of this week teaching her how to be a real dog (she's a Manhattan purse dog). Well, welcome to Brooklyn, bitch. By the end of this week, she'll be playing stick ball with the Italian kids and rolling her own cigarettes.

Here's part of the email I just sent to the owner:

"OK, I love your dog. We are having a blast! I’ll give you the run down so far:

The first night [a gentleman caller] stayed over so I didn’t let her in the bed. She whined a bit and barked, but since Jesse was also not on the bed and sleeping in his little chair, I think she got the message, and by the morning she was sleeping in her dog bed which I placed on the floor next to the bed. She’s been sleeping there since and last night she curled up on the floor next to Jesse!!! So cute.

Christmas was amazing- she was so sweet and my mom and everyone loved her.

She met a nice Jewish dog named Murray at the park who took a liking to her. I think she’s in love.

She’s been peeing a bit on the wee wee pad, but mostly going outside. She is so great with that. And she’s eating like a little pig. This morning when she was done with her food, she shoved Jesse over (he’s 60 lbs) and started eating from his dish and he just looked up at me like, “WTF" but didn’t try to get his food back. I had to physically remove her from the dish. So if you’re wondering about who wears the pants in the household, it’s her. If my dog were human, he’d be a very polite gay man."

Shayna and Murray

Good Idea

Me: So, what do you want to get [boy whose barmitzvah it is]?

Bosslady: Well, they're good friends so I don't just want to send a check. What's a cool gift?

Me: For a 13 year old boy? Hmmm.

Bosslady: How about a 13 year old girl?

Holiday Cheer

Wow you guys the doorman for the building next door to mine here that I say hi to every day gave me a Christmas present! It's a box of chocolates and a card with a scratch off card inside! That was really nice of him. Now I have to re-gift something here for him. Hmmm...

In other news I'm having chocolate for breakfast.

Dog Okay

Hey guys my dog is okay! He ate a little during the day, and by dinner time he was ravenous. If you think about it, he hasn't eaten in 3 days so let's just say that when a dog like him gets his appetite back, you better watch out. He was HONGRAY and I mean looking for anything to stuff in his mouth. Sadly, I could only give him a little food because that's what you're supposed to do. I was worried he's eat my face as I slept, so I gave him a second dinner right before bed. Whoo! So glad he's okay.

In other news, I think I killed the Chia Herb Garden.

My Sweet Dog

My dog had to go to the vet last night. Now, for those of you who know me, I never take my dog to the vet unless it's actually a real emergency. I generally live by the rule of "walk it off" but he's really ill. He not only hasn't eaten, but has been vomiting whatever he eats for days. He is repulsed by the smell of food and for those of you who know my dog, that never happens. He'd eat a piece of paper if he could get a chance.

It could be pancreatitis, or something less serious like a slight blockage in the intestine. The good news is that when they did an x-ray, not only did they not find anything too serious, but his stomach did not have anything crazy in it like chicken bones or toys or tennis balls. The bad news is that this morning he didn't eat again and that's bad so I may have to bring him back again today.

At least this didn't turn up.

Get Out The Way

This cat is my hero.

Feel Up

I hope this makes everyone feel better.

Sorry, Plants

I'm a terrible mother. Someone moved the plants and I didn't even notice for about an hour. When I did, it took me 10 minutes to find them. Turns out another co-worker thought they'd do better in another window. I just don't care anymore.

In other helpless living creature news, I get to watch this dog over the holidays:

Herb City

We had our holiday party last night and we had a gift exchange, and somebody ended up with the Chia Herb Garden, and somehow it became my responsibility. It is now the firm's "herb garden" and I have to take care of it. I have yet to name them. I'm supposed to put plastic over the pot to help them germinate but in this crazy rat-race of a city, only the strong survive and no one else gets coddled. So let's jut see who here makes it on their own: dill, chive or basil. Only then will they get a name. I like Punchy for one of them, but I won't say who just yet.

Wow Wow

This can't be true but it is. This 4 year old kid escaped his house, brought a beer with him, stole Christmas presents, threw on a dress and was found wandering the neighborhood.

From the article:

"April Wright is 21 years old and is going through a divorce with her husband who is in jail. She says she is not sure how her 4-year-old managed to get out of the house, open a beer, and steal the neighbors presents from under their tree. Now she's just glad he's okay and says she won't let it happen again.

The child, Hayden Wright, was found around 1:45 am Tuesday, wandering the streets of his neighborhood. In a police reports, officers said he was wearing a little girl's dress and drinking a beer. The police report says the child had to taken to the hospital to be treated for alcohol consumption."

Twit Ter

So my friend Sharda is making me Tweet. Like on Twitter. I still haven't caught on to it yet. All I've discovered is my music friend actually tweets with John Mayor. I was mildly shocked.

I don't understand all of this. Facebook has privacy settings, but even people who block you can still check your blog, right? My friend isn't so good with Fabebooking (it's a typo and it stays), but she Tweets like crazy. It's gotten to the point where I only check Twitter because I know she sends things to me. I've learned that when it starts with an @ symbol that it's for you, like, "@Tempy hey this message is for you!" but everyone can see it. That's how I know my friend tweets with @johncmayer.

Hint: It's A Dude

These are the new Project Runway contestants. Can YOU pick my favorite?

Again With The Australians

This "rap" video deserves so many awards. From it's waaaay too long intro to the over indulgent hummer-limo shots to the inexplicable hookers that just show up- this man is the pride of Australia. Please do enjoy the song that probably took him a whole 3 minutes on Garage Band to compose.

If you can't quite watch that, you may want to cleanse your palate with this instead. Thanks Jonah for turning me on to this episode:

New Reality

This is my new mock-reality show, inspired by the beautiful(ly awkward) Gosselin family, brought to you by the Duggars' 623753245 children and made possible by donations from shows like Table for 12:

Oh Joe

MrsLieberman2 (1:09:46 PM): hi

MrsLieberman2 (1:10:50 PM): hello Joe u there?

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:11:55 PM): that you, wife?

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:11:57 PM): where ru?

MrsLieberman2 (1:12:14 PM): I'm in the living room. Next door

MrsLieberman2 (1:12:16 PM): the door to yr office was locked

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:12:22 PM): oh yeah. I'm here! Hahhah we're just like Demi and Ashton, tweeting next door to each other

MrsLieberman2 (1:12:40 PM): ???

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:12:42 PM): those two tweet while in the house together hahha

MrsLieberman2 (1:12:48 PM): ok. Well I had to IM you yr door was locked

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:12:56 PM): baby u know I lock my door when I'm listening to Led Zeppelin

MrsLieberman2 (1:13:01 PM): I know

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:13:26 PM): it's my thing

MrsLieberman2 (1:13:49 PM): I know. Well I was just wondering what you'd like for lunch

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:13:54 PM): aw, hell yeah, ok, I want a roast turkey sandwich on whole wheat with cornichons and swiss, little bit of mayo. Mmmmmm

MrsLieberman2 (1:14:17 PM): ok

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:14:21 PM): cool. So ham then.

MrsLieberman2 (1:14:23 PM): what?

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:14:25 PM): for the sandwich. Ham on ciabatta.

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:14:33 PM): with mustard

MrsLieberman2 (1:14:34 PM): I thought you said turkey

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:14:39 PM): that was like, a minute ago. I changed my mind.

MrsLieberman2 (1:14:42 PM): ok so ham

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:14:51 PM): no, chicken cutlet, lettuce, tomato, on brioche with potato salad

MrsLieberman2 (1:15:01 PM): u sure

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:15:06 PM): yes

MrsLieberman2 (1:15:07 PM): chicken cutlet

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:15:11 PM): yes

MrsLieberman2 (1:15:13 PM): positive

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:15:17 PM): yes!

MrsLieberman2 (1:15:18 PM): k

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:15:23 PM): wait

MrsLieberman2 (1:15:31 PM): oh god

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:15:35 PM): maybe I want roast beef

MrsLieberman2 (1:15:40 PM): ok

MrsLieberman2 (1:15:42 PM): so do you?

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:15:47 PM): start making the chicken, we'll talk later

MrsLieberman2 (1:15:50 PM): no, seriously Joe, you always do this. First you want one kind of sandwich, then you're standing over me all, "I said soup", u did the same thing with healthcare, first no filibuster now you're all yes, and last week when I painted the living room green and halfway thru you were all, I want pink. WTF? You are the senatorial version as to what Kanye West is to award show speeches.

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:15:57 PM): dunno what that means

MrsLieberman2 (1:16:42 PM): it means, you are gonna let me finish this damn sandwich.

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:16:50 PM): I may want sushi.

MrsLieberman2 (1:17:32 PM): oh, that's it

Palin-Lieberman2012 (1:19:58 PM): what?

MrsLieberman2 is offline (1:20:04 PM)

G'Day Mate

I just had a voiceover audition and they asked me to do an Australian accent. If I had known I wouldn't have wasted anyone's time- that's the one accent I cannot do, but the guy seemed to love it. Maybe it's because I've been hanging out with a lot of Australians lately. Or maybe I've just been watching this now banned commercial too many times. Cheeky:

Big Bunny

Well what the FUCK are you looking at?

This Is Too Funny

Fear not, ladies, this man does exist but at least we have this woman to set him straight. I can't tell you how much I like a good craigslist posting. I think I'll spend the rest of today trying to find something to beat that. Suggestions are always open.

Child Alert

So for those of you who don't know, the Duggar family has 4,523,144,127 children as a part of their child army, and the last one was just born early. Really early. At like, 1 lb 6 oz and 25 weeks old early. Maybe this is a sign that the army for god is ready for battle?*

* Sarcasm alert: I'm not joking. They really believe they are creating an army for god.

Oh Sorry

Someone just called the office and asked to speak to a Robin Twat. I sweat to god, I asked for the last name again just to be safe.

Average Day

So my hilarious friends, the ones who host a monthly comedy show, also have a web series called John and Molly Get Along. Well, they were nice enough to take pity on poor old Tempy here and let me join them. The balloons are not a prop- they follow me everywhere.

What The

Something is afoot in Norway, and not in that cool pickled herring kind of way. No, an inexplicable blue spiral permeated the sky and no one has any idea what it is. I'll let you draw conclusions. Personally I think aliens are trying to hypnotize the small town of Trøndelag into harvesting elkhound. But enough with the sparse Norwegian humor.

Style Watch

Ladies, the Shih-Tzu look is BACK!

Subway Smoke

2009 is the new 1989 b@#ches!

I haven't seen someone smoke on the subway in a long time. This takes me back. Of course, the guy needed to announce why and that he was about to do so, because he was a little crazy, but I didn't care. Check out lady friend on the left readying to watch an awesome NY fight when the guy in front of Smokey decided to say something.


Oh no, I don't think so.


Some idiot then hit the EMERGENCY BRAKE so we were caught in a smoke filled car just so the guy could tell the conductor "There's someone smoking in our car". Well, that was a major NY subway foul. Everyone then turned on the guy who hit the brake because everyone knows you don't do that. Just get off at the next stop. So now we're caught there in the tunnel in a haze of Newport.

Well at that point, smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Oh, and by the way uppity white subway guy, the argument, "Oh, I'll send you my medical bills if I get cancer," just does not work- you live in New York, there's pollution everywhere.

Oh, Canada

Well well well. The Toronto version of Metro went and got themselves into a little bit of trouble today when they accidentally posted a photo of a group of people, and the guy in the middle has his d@#k hanging out (page 12). It's not safe for work if you work in a place where people care. I will warn you again about that link. But I know you'll go on it. Go on.

Thank you, the land that brought us Raymi, Stephanie and Sweden. It is also now the home of Free Wang.

UPDATE: I'd just like let everyone know I took the original picture down when I found out the kid is in HIGH SCHOOL. Anyway...

Chair Design

Hmmm. I really want a chair that can turn into a couch, and then be an accordion which then becomes a flat piece of cardboard which then turns into a loveseat. Can we make that happen? Thanks.

Someone's Got A Case Of The...

Isn't it annoying when people are all posting on their blogs and Facebooks all, "Oh, no, it's Monday!" and are like, "Don't you hate MONDAYS?"

Ah, nuts, it's Monday.

Smart

I've hit a new low. My boss's sister is a huge Hollywood producer and we were just talking about how tough the business is these days, and even she can't get a movie made, actors are out of work, etc.

Me: Seriously, ok, I'm desperate. How about you ask her if in her next film I can have just one line like, "Here's your salad".

Bosslady: Really? Oh she can totally do that!

Me: (thinking *Wow, way to aim low Tempy. Next time ask for at least 5 lines*)

Funny Stuff

Wow last night's show was FANTASTIC! And not just because I made a guest appearance in the host's monthly web show. Although that was fun. No, the one, the only, Janeane Garofalo came and just went off for 10 minutes about so many things and she was hysterical. Plus she's whip smart- and did you know she's 45? I know, right? She looks great.

Overall all of the comedians were fantastic but I think my favorite lines came from comedian named Brooke Van Poppelen:

"When I was in my 20's, all the face washes advertised to me were all happy like, 'Wash your face with bubble gum and glitter!' Now that I'm in my 30's, all the ads are like, 'Let a team of scientists fix your face.'" Awesome.

But what was better than that was watching my 23 year old friend Molly, who is a fantastic female comedian, actually s@#t her pants when Janeane Garofalo shook her hand after her set. I said that to her too, later, "I saw that." She's like, "Me s@#tting my pants? Goddamn right".

Because Janeane Garofalo is one of those rare pop icons who not "traditionally" pretty girls can look up to. She's funny, dominates in a field where men outnumber the women by a lot, and she's genuine. PLUS she went up to my friend after her set and in a really nice way gave her some pointers. How cool is that?

Check out Garofalo in action:

Um Yeah

I'm going to my friend's comedy show tonight and Janeane Garofalo will be performing. My boss loves Janeane Garofalo.

Me: You should come!

Bosslady: What time is it?

Me: 8:00. And it's free!

Bosslady: You see, the cost of something usually isn't the reason I don't go to things...

This Shouldn't Be Funny

This post is brought to you by the best Brinks (now Broadview) home security commercial EVER:

Holiday Fun

It's 65 degrees in New York right now. I am all sorts of confused. Last I checked it was December. Heck, I even started sending out my Christmas cards.

Tweet This

Now this is how you do it. It's best to change your Facebook status right when you get married, before you kiss the bride. Here's captain McTechgeek and Mrs. Lucky McGetoutwhileyoucan at the most romantical wedding this side of Vegas.

In Other News

Palin4Pres2012 (2:34:27 PM): haaaaaaaaaaaay

MSalahi (2:34:46 PM): hello?

Palin4Pres2012 (2:41:40 PM): HI!!!

MSalahi (2:43:03 PM): who is this

MSalahi (2:43:10 PM): how did u get this IM

Palin4Pres2012 (2:43:25 PM): Is this Michaele Salahi who totally crashed the white house party???

MSalahi (2:43:35 PM): maybe…

Palin4Pres2012 (2:44:36 PM): You're not going to believe this.

MSalahi (2:44:49 PM): Try me

Palin4Pres2012 (2:45:18 PM): It's ME! Sarah PALIN! LOLOLOZZZZZ!!!111!!!

MSalahi (2:45:22 PM): really?

Palin4Pres2012 (2:45:29 PM): YES!

MSalahi (2:45:29 PM): Oh, well, hello

Palin4Pres2012 (2:45:32 PM): HI!

MSalahi (2:45:38 PM): How is yr book tour going?

MSalahi (2:45:42 PM): Didn't read it yet though

Palin4Pres2012 (2:45:50 PM): Oh great! Me and Todd are just bustlin' around with the kids and feelin' great!

MSalahi (2:45:56 PM): fantastic

MSalahi (2:45:57 PM): sounds nice

Palin4Pres2012 (2:45:59 PM): it is but I am soooo bizee. Speakin' a such, I have a question

MSalahi (2:46:07 PM): ok

Palin4Pres2012 (2:46:24 PM): how did you do it??

MSalahi (2:46:41 PM): do what?

Palin4Pres2012 (2:46:57 PM): u know.

Palin4Pres2012 (2:47:00 PM): think…

MSalahi (2:48:53 PM): no, what?

Palin4Pres2012 (2:49:34 PM): crash the party at the white house?

MSalahi (3:10:27 PM): we didn't

Palin4Pres2012 (3:12:23 PM): HAHAHHA SSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUURE *wink*

Palin4Pres2012 (3:13:07 PM): No but seriously, how did you do it

MSalahi (3:13:20 PM): I'm really not at liberty to talk about that

Palin4Pres2012 (3:13:23 PM): c'maaaaaaaaaaahn!

MSalahi (3:13:25 PM): Sorry. Why do you want to know, anyway?

Palin4Pres2012 (3:13:27 PM): No reason

Palin4Pres2012 (3:13:34 PM): nice weather huh?

MSalahi (3:13:43 PM): Ms. Palin, I don't even know where you are.

Dirty Girl

I really really wanted to stay away from the whole Tiger Woods debacle but then I saw this- it's an article about the so-called other woman and she comes out swinging about the ladies who "leaked" the story. Check out some of these awesome quotes:.

About the "Source":

"She was just a roommate of a friend who got invited at the last minute. This guy at the hotel gave her 3,000 euros to go upstairs with him, and then basically got the money back because two minutes into whatever they were doing, she passed out from too many Quaaludes. The guy came downstairs and was like, 'Rachel I don't know you, but you brought hookers here, and they are not even like hookers? This girl passed out on my bed, it was like gross.' Like, who are these people?"

Then there's this:

"I think they probably misinterpreted because they are on so many drugs and just stupid."

And my favorite, this:

"[One of the sources] is just looking for a payday because she is a f- - -ing hooker and wants money."

DAAAAMN girl! You tell 'em! I don't even care about any of the other details anymore because this pottymouth is kind of totally awesome.

What's New

I'm still trying to figure out this Google Wave thing.