A Baby

The biggest news story of the day is not that Britney Spears' 16 year old sister is pregnant, it's that she DOESN'T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED. Actual quote from her: "It was a shock for both of us, so unexpected," Oh my god. Does that mean you didn't have sex? Somebody get this girl an anatomy model of a uterus, stat.

That's the thing about the Spears family. Do you know "Spears" is actually a stage name? Here's the true story.

Many years ago, Britney's mom walked into this agent's office and said, "I have an act that will blow your mind. First, I've got a very talented daughter. She'll be a pop icon, sing halfway decently, and when she's 16 she's going to get a boob job and become a young sex symbol. But wait... it gets better. After a few years she'll lose her mind, marry some dude for 55 hours, get divorced, pick up a nice cocaine addiction and marry a useless and mildly retarded backup dancer with two children who were born with fetal alcohol syndrome from a previous relationship. And then after two more kids born 9 months apart, they get divorced, she goes to rehab three times, shaves her head, beats a car with an umbrella, gets high on vicodin and tequila minutes before she performs live on the VMA's, and right after that her 16 year old sister gets mysteriously pregnant."

The agent says, "Wow. What do you call yourselves?"

"The Aristocrats!"

"How about 'Spears'?"

"Ok."