GOP Theater

A door opens. In the silhouette we see the figure of a man - lean, tall.

Newt Gingrich: Come in.

Mitt Romney enters the room, closes the door behind him, and sits across from Gingrich.

Mitt Romney: Newt.

Gingrich: Mitt.

Romney: Newt.

Gingrich: Mitt.

Romney: Newt.

They burst out laughing

Gingrich: Aw, dude! Good to see you. Scotch?

Romney: Newt, you know I don't drink. I'm a "Mormon".

They both laugh as Gingrich gives Romney a hearty pour in a glass. Romney downs it and tips his glass for more. Gingrich obliges.

Gingrich: Ah, but seriously. I asked you here for more than just drinks.

Romney: Of course.

Gingrich: I have a question.

Romney: Shoot.

Gingrich: Does this tie make me look fat?

They laugh

Romney: Yes!

Gingrich: But seriously folks, what doesn't! Ha ha, no, anyway, we need to talk about the primaries. First of all, great job on your attack ads.

Romney: No, no not my attach ads... my Super Pac's ads!

Gingrich: Ha! Yeah. Anyway, nice work.

Romney: Thank you sir, same to you.

Gingrich: I know. Now, I want to talk about Santorum.

Romney: Ugh, that piece of shmegma?

Gingrich: I know, I know. But... he's still on our tail.

Romney: I should have pantsed him when I had the change at the last debate.

Gingrich: Yeah, that guy deserves a major wedgie.

Romney: Big time.

Gingrich: Listen, you know and I know that whoever "wins" this is still the "winner" since we've each bet $200 million that the other one of us will win. Shit, I'll take that money and take Calista to a nice island off the coast of somewhere and just disappear.

Romney: I have the same plans for my family. I seriously hate politics.

Gingrich: But if Santorum wins, then what?

Romney: Exactly.

Gingrich: He has a chance.

Romney: Not with the ladies.

Gingrich: ZING!

Romney: ZOWWWWA!!!! Ahahhaha, but seriously.. I'm listening.

Gingrich: We need to do something drastic. I mean, drastic.

Romney: I'll kill him with my own bare hands. I'll put him on the roof of my car in an airtight container and watch him shit himself. I'll get one of my sons to shoot him in the...

Gingrich: Wait wait no! No. Here's what we do. In Florida, let's make a major push for one of us to win. The other will screw up in a debate - stammer, look a fool. Perry it up.

Romney: Got it. Ok, last time was me so this time how about you fuck it up.

Gingrich: Weeeell... let's toss a coin.

Romney: Think that's fair?

Gingrich: I mean, it is a coin.

Romney: OK.

Gingrich: Heads I win, tails you lose.

Romney: Sounds fair.

Gingrich: Ok, Heads! I win.

Romney: So... wait, that means you'll take Florida?

Gingrich: That's what we agreed on! 

Romney: Um, ok.

Gingrich: Hey HEY! This is all about keeping this from Santorum. Shoot, if I win, which I don't WANT to do, you'll get $200 million from me.

Romney: Yeah... about that. Do you even have $200 million? I mean I know you know I do.

Gingrich: Of course! It's in an offshore... money market... trust... thing.

Romney: I know we didn't sign anything, but a gentleman's agreement means a lot to me.

Gingrich: Me too.

Romney smiles and gets up. He and Gingrich shake hands.

Romney: I mean, we're all on the same team.

Gingrich: Except Santorum!

Romney: Exactly. Well, I better go. I have to start practicing my "awkward debate pauses".

They laugh

Gingrich: K, see you later!

Romney: Buh bye!

Romney strides out. Gingrich closes the door behind him.

Gingrich: Fool.

Gingrich laughs. And laughs. Laughs long and heartily. Then coughs a bit. And laughs again.