Put The Cauc in Caucus

Well, the Iowa "Huh Why Do We Still Do This" Caucus is over, and Mitt is it! I think we all knew he's do well, although with the way this race has been going, nothing surprises me anymore. You could tell me a two ton octopus with rickets had entered the race and I'd still think it had a chance. Speaking of who we have running, the other day I heard Mitt Romney talking and I was like, aw, you're the guy in high school who was perpetually in the "friend zone". So, if I had gone to high school with any of these candidates, who would these people be?

Mitt Romney - Like I said, Friend Zone. Someone who I thought had a really nice personality but I'd never want to see naked.

Rick Santorum - I cheated off him in bio.

Ron Paul - He was a player, a major player. He'd get all the girls stoned behind the bleachers as they collectively made fun of the football team. Complicated goths read him poetry while he strummed guitar, and, at some point over the year, he made love to every single one of them. Some of them at the same time. (I'm kidding - he was in the glee club. I just wanted to put that image in your head of him having lots of sex. Good luck getting it out.)

Newt Gingrich - I'd like to imagine him as the quiet, pudgy, endearing guy who eagerly helped me out in English class and volunteered to be my partner during presentations. Maybe I kind of liked him. Don't judge, he was really nice.

Rick Perry - DID SOMEBODY SAY FOOTBALL?!? Because he was the water boy.

Michele Bachmann - I'm not joking, I actually went to school with someone like this. She was in every club, on the staff of every publication, and ran for class president. I don't know if she won, because honestly, who cared. She became salutatorian and has since vanished into obscurity. Enough said.

Jon Huntsman - Oh, let's face it, he's the narc.