Tempy: February 2011

And Now

QOTD:

"Did you turn to alcohol and drugs because you were bored?"

"No, I did that because they work."

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Shhhhh Secret

I just got this in my inbox:

7. Differentiation Tactics That Make All Of Your Competition Minor League And YOU The Only And Obvious Choice. How to identify an agents and casting director's biggest problem and concerns... and how you can give a solution and exceed his expectations.

6. Foolproof tips on Grabbing Industry Professional's Full Attention, without which no one will read your copy. Your prospects are busy, distracted people. Get their attention in 7 seconds or less – or they are gone. You will learn exactly how to literally FORCE them to read your every word...

5. Discover jaw-dropping techniques to build immediate credibility and rapport so that agents, casting directors, managers, producers and other industry professionals will believe in you from the first few seconds - it's nothing short of transformational!

4. I will expose the power and precise design of the perfect business card. A card that clearly motivates an agent, casting director or any industry prosfessional to want to know more about what it is you can do for them

3. The Ultimate Secret to a "Killer" headshot that to my knowledge has NEVER been revealed to a live audience before... a true world first! Discover the mistakes most actors make that are literally costing them thousands of dollars

2. How to create websites so that YOUR success is virtually guaranteed enabling you to have the unfair advantage over your competitors

1. A whole new approach to finilazing your cover letters that assures they attract so much attention the reader is practically compelled to call you

I look forward to seeing you at 'Acting Is A Business - Training Event'. I'm sure it will be the most enlightening and profitable event you have ever attended.

First of all, I don't trust that his secret is that awesome. And if he holds the key to some "never revealed" information about headshots and won't just tell us, then he's just a dick.

As an actor, I attend seminars, networking sessions and classes. Much like being a dentist, you have to constantly keep up with new things in the industry to be good at your craft. I am friends with a casting director who runs these, and most of these people aren't scam artists- they're just looking to help new talent, and invariably will bring you in to audition for stuff they are working on. As much as I make fun of actors, the majority I know are genuinely hard working and talented.

But then I see an email like this. From a man who purports himself to be the expert at "jaw dropping techniques" and "exposing a power". Sounds to me like he is more skilled at going through a thesaurus than at helping actors.

Now, I agree that acting is a business mastery. I hear a lot of people say they want to be actors because they were in a friend's thing once, and they thought it was fun. Well, it is fun. It's actually a stupid amount of fun (that's the secret). But the hard work it takes to get there gets minimized by scam artists like this who claim to have the one secret to the business. You know what the secret is? Hard work, passion and patience. It helps to sleep with the director, but that can be a personal preference.

The seminar is in 2 days so I wonder if he's desperate for people to sign up. Because I'll tell you, if this man is such a magician at getting people to notice people, maybe he wouldn't have a hard time filling up his own class. But the power and precise design on the opening graphics are exemplary.

Tubby Alert

In today's batshit crazy news, Rush Limbaugh calls Michelle Obama fat. Well, he doesn't so much say it as imply it. I'll spare you the pot kettle glass house talk and just get straight to the point - this is a direct quote:

"The problem is—and dare I say this—it doesn't look like Michelle Obama follows her own nutritionary, dietary advice. And then we hear that she's out eating ribs at 1,500 calories a serving with 141 grams of fat per serving, yeah it does—what do you mean, what do I mean?

What is it - no, I'm trying to say that our First Lady does not project the image of women that you might see on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue."

I totally see what Rush is saying, what a freaking fatass. She really needs to stop eating her high horse and get with the program. Whale.

Achy Forsakey Heart

Billy Ray Cyrus says a lot of things about a lot of stuff in a recent interview with GQ. It's really hard to talk about this sad piece without making references to his hit, "Achy Breaky Heart" but I'll try. Let's just say that he's feeling really bad about the way Miley Cyrus's life hasn't yet turned out, and he also has a mild paranoid borderline personality disorder (that last part is just my opinion). But really, he blames the devil. He uses one very important anecdote to prove that Hollywood is full of satanic people out to get him, and it's about when he saw this sign on the highway on the way to the Hannah Montana studio:

ADOPT-A-HIGHWAY

ATHEISTS UNITED

Yes. The fact that non-believers donated money to be sure the highway he is driving on is not littered with potholes or trash means that it is the end times. Personally, I think the real sign of the apocalypse can be found further up in the story: "...highway on the way to the Hannah Montana studio..." Yeah, that right there says it all.

And seriously, what the heck are those atheists thinking? Everyone knows the highway stays clean if you just pray it so.

Surprise Twist!

My dog's getting old. He's doing okay, but he has a lot of health problems. One thing he is though for sure is GOSHDARN CUTE!!! Here is a video I took of him digging himself a spot on the couch. He was doing this for a good minute until I finally turned the camera on, but then he got shy and... there's a SURPRISE ENDING!

My Brunch

So I try to be a healthy eater - lean proteins and a ton of veggies and greens and such. I ate half a head of kale last night, I'm not even playing.

There's a place near me for lunch called Energy Kitchen, and all of their food is really good for you. I've always been pleasantly surprised by what I find there, and today I decided to go for it- the 5 egg white breakfast sandwich (but for lunch). It's their #1 selling item but what I wanted to know was, what do 5 egg whites look like?

I'll tell you what, they look like this:

For real. That item is so popular and they take their preparations so seriously, they actually have a round pan in which to bake all those damn egg whites, which makes it so beautiful. And yes, it was delicious.

Honey Badger Don't Care

I've watched this video a lot since it was introduced to me yesterday, and I think you should too.

Gifs! Gifs!

I FINALLY figured out how to make a gif! The only problem is they have to be from youtube clips that are 15 seconds or less. All I had was this one of Jesse being walked by a child in my neighborhood. I call this the "'Help Me Mom' Side Eye".

And On That Note

With a mighty guffaw, harrumph, and not a hint of skullduggery, the New York Times took on a humdinger of a topic - the odoriferous prospect of women in men's clubs. Consider me gobsmacked to ascertain that this kind of tomfoolery is still tolerated. Bumfuzzle!

Nobody Panic

OK, maybe just a little.

There's a teeny teeny tiny chance that an asteroid could hit earth on 2036. No biggs, I'll only be 50 by then, (not really), but in case you were wondering what it would look like, the Discovery Channel made a video of what may happen. Warning: the music is especially cheesy.

Guilty Pleasures

Okay, so I have a confession to make. I kind of love that band Infant Sorrow. No, no, they're not a real band. It's a band that Russell Brand and Jason Segal created for the Brand's character "Aldous Snow" in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Get Him To The Greek. It's sort of a secret because it's just as embarrassing as my unrelenting passion for Oasis. So, maybe I bought a few of their songs from the last movie. Guess what - it's also incredible workout music. I'm not even joking, I went to the gym to do my regular few miles of warm up jogging to get ready for the stretches, Hot Plank Action*, weights and stuff, but I put one of the Infant Sorrow songs on loop, and I ran like, 10 miles without even realizing it (kidding, more like 6). I was late for everything the rest of the day because I hadn't planned on spending that much time at the gym. So a word to the wise - buy some Infant Sorrow songs. You won't be disappointed.

*quote courtesy of Captain Quinn's Boot Camp

I'm Famous For All The Wrong Reasons

I may or may not be on TMZ today. No, I didn't steal any jewelry from Lindsay Lohan.

Oh Dear

Now, this is why I don't participate in cockfighting. A man was killed, yes, KILLED, when a rooster sliced him with the razors attached to his feet. Which brings up two very important life lessons. 1. Never get in the ring with a rooster with razors on his feet and 2. Just... don't get near a rooster with razors on his feet.

I never supported cock fighting. Cock loving, on the other hand, is an entirely different story. Just don't put razors on your partners feet.

My Big Celebrity Gossip League

A few years ago I was asked by a friend if I wanted to join a celebrity gossip league for a $20 entry fee. It's a lot like fantasy football - you get drafted celebrities, and every time one of them makes it into the popular tabloid websites, they get a point. So, if you have Lindsay Lohan or Halle Berry, you're doing pretty well. You can swap celebs within teams, and at the end of the month the person with the celebs that have scored the most points wins the money. I did it for fun, and ended up winning. Of course I spent all the money on drinks for the women in the league when we all finally met face to face at a bar. But the funny thing is, even though at first I only knew one of the women going into it, I made quite a few friends - women who I still hang out with today. I've gone to their going away parties, baby showers, s@#t got real. So when one of the ladies asked if I'd like to do it again, I said yes.

The problem is, the celebrities in my pool aren't performing very well. I'm doing okay - I'm in 3rd place so far and it's still anyone's game, but I need some help. Which ones should I swap out? Who is the dark horse in the running? I'm not hoping for Hugh Hefner to have a health scare (I am). Here's who I have:

Kim Kardashian: She's my best horse right now. Always in the news.

Ricky Gervais: Surprisingly enough, he's scoring really well.

Mel Gibson: I am shocked. Shocked that he is underperforming. I mean, this is a guy who hates women and Jews and has a drinking and anger problem, but he picks this month to "stay out of the limelight". Still, I can't swap him out. He has potential.

Johnny Depp: Not sure about this one.

Eva Longoria: Didn't she just get divorced from Tony Parker? Why no more press?

Michael Lohan: He's doing okay. He's the kind of guy who actually makes press statements about how he's not going to make any more press statements. And then does it again. So he's a keeper.

Nicole Polizzi: Snooki. C'mon.

Jessica Simpson: This is another surprising one to me. I guess she too is taking a break.

John Travolta: Pleaselethimcomeoutpleaselethimcomeoutpleaselethimcomeout

Hugh Hefner: Again, nothing with this one.

Homage To An Ice Storm

Did you guys hear that there's an ICE STORM in New York right now? Well, if you've been on Facebook, Twitter, near any news station, window, or listened to a single person when their lips moved recently, you'll know that yes, there is. And apparently the Midwest has a real down home Snowpocalypse™ right now.

Not to be outdone by everyone's award worthy videos and photos of this winter's storms, I took it upon myself (you're welcome) to take some iPhone 4 pics, filter them through Camerabag, flip my hair in an exaggerated fashion, and post them here with some commentary.

May I present to you:

Pretentious Douchebag Photos Of Frozen Tree Limbs And Icicles

This one I call "A Bulbous Bauble". It signifies the playfulness of encapsulation.