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Thursday, September 30, 2010

An Open Letter to AT&T


My name is *crackle crackle* and I... wait, sorry. Hello? You there? Okay. Like I said my * silence* wait, is this better? Good, I hit a patch and I *beep* oh wait, hold on. That's you getting back to me. Let me just. Are you there? Okay, wait, I'm going to write from a land line.

Can you hear me? Okay, much better. This Verizon stationery is like butter. Real nice like.

So, here's the thing. I know my iPhone is just a glorified little computer and game console with the capability to sometimes act like a phone. I've come to accept that the phone kind of isn't the priority. But it's not Apple's fault. Rather, they've built a very nice device, whose initial intent, if you will, was to create a "cellular phone". Hence the name- iPhone. It all started out so innocently. Then apps came out, they popped an iPod in there, heck you can even use it to check stocks and map out a shopping trip. Don't even get me started about how many times I've used it for photos and video, it's ridiculous. And voice memo's? Forget about it.

But Apple never forgot that it was originally that: a phone. Sure you can play games, and make your voice sound like T-Pain, but when all is said and done, I did intend to use it as a way to communicate with another person in case of emergency, or just to reassure my mom every few days that I'm doing fine, the dog's still alive and yes, I'm wearing my bike helmet.

At first, it was okay. It worked really, really well. But then, lately, we've been having some problems. I found out why- you made iPhone users sign an exclusive contract with you, before installing enough towers to handle the increased usage which was a logical result of such a plan. I mean, you knew that would happen, but you didn't build enough towers. Who does that? Not thoughtful people, that's who.

I know it's too late to change providers. I already signed the 10 year contract. The guy at the store also gave me the two year option, but the 10 year came with a free floppy frisbee so I went for it. I don't have a single regret- that is some amazing frisbee. It rivals the free kite I got at a TD bank because I correctly guessed within two dollars how much change I exchanged for cash at their Penny Arcade. But that's neither here nor there.

So, in conclusion, I ask you this. Please install some more towers. It doesn't have to be a whole lot, just maybe one, preferably outside my apartment in Brooklyn. It'd be nice to know that if need be, I can use my phone as... a phone.

Thanks so much for your time.

- Me

PS, good job getting Luke Wilson as your spokesperson. I loved him in The Royal Tennenbaums!


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