He Does Own 21 Cookaroos

In a surprising twist to a national tragedy, a woman is suing P. Diddy aka Seam Combs for a zillion dollars for causing 9/11, and family distress.

Apparently this very sane woman also claims that she won a casino chip "well worth over 100 zillions of dollars", and P. Diddy stole it from her, because he really needs the money. Naturally, she is also suing him for "$900 billion in child support and $100 billion in lost income". Oh, he fathered one of her children. So she says. And why not believe her? The court is actually hearing her case today.

In other news, Keanu Reeves' stalker Karen Sala just removed her crown for "Most Batshit Crazy" and sadly slid it over to the Diddy lady.

Important News

Uh oh. Turns out oral sex can be like, really bad for you, you guys! Well, only when you have oral sex with someone who has HPV. But that's kind of under the category of "sex can be dangerous for everyone" in some capacity when you share bodily fluids.

But I'm also of the belief that oral sex can be really good for you - unfortunately I don't have any scientific proof of that... yet. Unless you count a HUGE SMILE as evidence AM I RIGHT?!?

Dream Job

You guys, in my next life I want to come back as Charlie Sheen's coke dealer. No, but for serial. Can you imagine? You only work once a day, and the hardest part of your job is carrying a suitcase around. I mean, most people do that on a daily basis anyway! Sure, you may get a call in the middle of the night to crash a porn star party (bonus!) but so what? That means you can sleep in until Sheen's court mandated rehab stint is over. And by the time that happens, about three days later, you'll still have a year's salary of cocaine profits sitting pretty in your offshore account. It's a win-win. So long as Two and a Half Men stays on the air...

Breaking News

Stop the presses. A new study came out today that says, "Women are much more likely to sleep with men that they’ve been conversing with via text or social media."

So to break this all down: Hey men, guess what? When you communicate with women MORE, they actually LIKE the attention!

I really hope the person who did this fine piece of research gets a Nobel.

Oh, Ricky

Uh. Oh.

U.S Senator Rick Santorum, the republican from Pennsylvania, recently had this to say about abortion, and more specifically, Barack Obama:

"The question is, and this is what Barack Obama didn't want to answer -- is that human life a person under the constitution? And Barack Obama says no. Well if that human life is not a person then I find it almost remarkable for a black man to say 'now we are going to decide who are people and who are not people.'" (Emphasis added)

Now, there's a lot of... Okay, I pride myself on being able to look at both sides of the... um. Hmmm. I uh, I just...

Hey LOOK! BUNNIES!

The Skinny

Have you watched that new MTV show, Skins? Yeah, me neither. But I assume it's some kind of dirty hybrid of Degrassi Junior High and Dawson's Creek with a dash of extra skank, if you can imagine such a thing. In fact, all I know about the show is: a. It is based on a British show, and therefore will be ruined by America and b. All the female cast members have the same make-up artist who only knows how to do one look, and that person isn't ashamed to flaunt it.

Work with me here. I know a little bit about make-up because I own some so that makes me qualified to talk about the Skins ad campaign. Look at the first photo. Notice anything? (Besides what I see in the mirror every FRIDAY NIGHT, RIGHT PARTY ANIMALS?!?) But seriously, look.

That eyeshadow. The "Cat's Eye": over-extended past the crease of the eye. It's not a popular look these days. And yet, for some reason, we are supposed to believe every female member of this group of friends all do their eyes in the same asshat fashion. Don't believe me? How about these shots:




The glowstick means she's a raver.

There's actually more photos, but I couldn't spend one more second on that MTV page with pop-up ads for the pop-up ads for the pop-up ad for the show's page that you are already on. I hate that. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Skins will probably be a huge hit. And by hit, I mean bomb.

Gwyneth's Advice

Gwyneth Paltrow, aka Miss Perfect Pants, has a website called GOOP. It's about how to be perfect. Yesterday, she wrote this blog post which is all about time management and children. I thought it was so funny I sent it to my friend, who is in this show with me, and has two kids. She wrote back a response.

First, Gwyneth's version (this is not made up):

"Got Apple all fed and dressed in her uniform and ready to go but no sign nor sight of Moses at 8 am and we have to be out of the house by 8:20. I went up to arouse the little man from slumber and he quite happily got up and crawled into my arms. We got downstairs and I made him a quick breakfast of eggs and toast followed by a spoonful of lemon flavored flax oil that I try to remember to give them both every morning.

When all was well I dodged off as fast as possible but was still late to the 9 am workout. Did dance aerobics for 45 minutes then all of the butt lifts and the like. Rushed upstairs to have a shower, doing my post workout stretch while the conditioner was doing its magic on my hair to combine activities/save time.

Got home and had a fitting with super stylist Elizabeth Saltzman for the upcoming Nashville trip (what to wear, what to wear?) from 1-2. This is my 4th out of 5 fittings for this trip. We tried on a myriad of dresses and outfits, and I had b.o. by the end of it from wrestling with all of those dresses.

At 4pm, my weekly owners' and managers' call takes place for the Tracy Anderson Method with our brilliant CEO Stephanie Stahl taking the lead. I basically listen and try to learn. Kiddies burst through the door and play in my office while I finish up, just drawing and hanging out and of course playing Plants vs Zombies on the iPad, their obsession that I have to limit like crazy! What up, gamers. Then downstairs to make cupcakes for tomorrow’s bake sale. It is ‘Bonfire night’ in the UK tomorrow and the bake sale is to celebrate and to raise money for charity. We decide on vanilla cupcakes with pink icing and green icing (from Tate’s Bakeshop cookbook with the icing from American Desserts cookbook).

The kids indulge in a super sugary cupcake before bed but I don’t feel too bad because they had a brown rice stir fry for dinner with baked sweet potato on the side. It’s all about balance! My night to lay with Mosey so I tuck Apple in, say a prayer and go into Mosey's room for a story, foot massage and quiet time. As soon as all was quiet, I rushed downstairs to grab a blazer and some blush and flung myself in the car for girls night.

Time saving tips:
1. Schedule your time well. When I know what I am doing from hour to hour I get more done. Write it all in the day’s calendar, what you want to accomplish and in what time frame.
2. I cook a lot, especially on the weekends, so I like to plan a rough menu for the whole weekend and get the food in on Friday. Obviously stores and websites that deliver make this a dream. In London I use Ocado. Also James Knight, my favorite fishmonger, will deliver. Having all of the ingredients means I'm prepared even when I don't think I am.
3. I always lay the kids uniforms and school things out the night before once they are asleep. When it’s quiet I can check the "kid list" for show and tell items to bring in, consent forms, ballet kit, etc, so that the morning is less of a scramble."

This is my friend's version:

"C---, my four-year old, got herself dressed this morning in her uniform for school (pajama bottoms and a Batman tee-shirt) and she was ready to go but no sign or sight of W---- at 5:45am and we have to be out of the house by 9:15am since school starts at 9. But we didn't have to wait long because the little lady roused herself at 5:55am and screamed at the top of her lungs for someone to come get her out of her damn crib. When I picked her up she happily demanded a bottle and crawled into my arms with a soaking wet diaper that leaked all over my robe.

After throwing her crib sheets, blanket, and stuffed Moose soaked with urine into the washer, we happily made our way into the kitchen where I made a bottle for W---- and a double-espresso for myself. I looked for some lemony flax seed oil to pour into the bottle, as per the advice of a Super Mom that I know, but all I could find was olive oil so I just used that instead.

When all was well, (three hours, two Dora's, two tantrums, and another double-espresso later), I dodged them over to the school and then dodged myself to the grocery store. I stopped by Duane Reade and picked up a bottle of conditioner. I asked if I could use their bathroom so I could put the conditioner in my hair since I didn't have time to shower this morning but I knew I could multi-task my grooming with my groceries.

I speed-walked to the grocery store which would have to count for my aerobic workout for the day, but I was still too late to get in on that 99 cent special they were having on lentils. I saw a crate on the floor next to the beer and did a few steps to get all of my butt lifts in and the like. (What's like butt lifts, again?)

I got home and had a fitting with my best friend, K--------, who was helping me decide what to wear in my improv show that night (what to wear, what to wear?!!?!). This is the fourth time I've looked through my closet to decide on whether I should wear the blue dress from 1998 or the green dress I bought for one of our shows two years ago. We tried them both on so many times that I my armpits were on fire. Thank goodness I was wearing deodorant.

At 4pm, my weekly owners' and managers' call takes place for the How to Be a Rich Super Mom Method with our brilliant CEO Gwyneth taking the lead. I basically listen and try to learn. The two devils burst through the door and play in my office while I finish up, pulling on my leg and asking for something to eat and writing all over my papers, until I hand them each their iPads and tell them to sedate themselves. What up, gamers. Then downstairs to make cupcakes for tomorrow's bake sale. It is "Rich People Have Taken All the Money Out of Public Schools and Put it into Private Schools" day tomorrow and the bake sale is to celebrate the economic and social divide in our community and to raise money for poor children who can't afford iPads. We decide on vanilla cupcakes with chocolate frosting because that's what was on sale at D'Agostinos.

The kids indulge in a super sugary cupcake before bed but I don't feel too bad because they had whole wheat frozen pizza for dinner with some chopped up deli ham on top. It's all about balance! My night to put both kids in bed since my husband is still at work so I lay with C--- and then I lay with W---- and then I lay with C--- and then I lay with W----. Then I say a prayer that these children will finally shut their damn eyes and go to sleep, but the prayer doesn't work. So I read another story and tell C--- to give me a foot massage and then I close the door on W---- and let her cry it out. While she's still crying, I rushed downstairs to grab my winter coat and duffel bag and hail a taxi down to the theatre to do a show.

I also list a few tips for saving time which include:
1. Schedule your life well. Don't have too many children and if you can afford it, hire a few nannies.
2. I cook a lot, especially at the last minute when I've just come home from work and my kids are cranky. So I like to plan a rough menu for the day and pick up all the food while I'm out grocery shopping. Having all of the ingredients means we'll have food to eat that night.

3. I always lay the kids uniforms out even though they override my choices and decide what they're going to wear to school. When it's quiet, I will drink half a bottle of wine by myself and thank my lucky stars that my kids pick out their own show-and-tell items and I haven't signed them up for ballet. That way, I can finish my bottle of wine and pass out so I'm ready for the 5:45am wake-up call in the morning."

The author of this masterpiece of a response is Lauren Seikaly, who stars with yours truly in the hit show, Naked in a Fishbowl.

Top Secret!

Don't ask me how, but I managed to make get the first draft of Sarah Palin's speech from today after it was written for her, with her notes on it! Click on the image for a larger view.

Working Today

My boyfriend is the President of Awesometown so he didn't have to go into work today. I'm still the Executive Assistant of Dorkerville so I'm here. I could do without him sending me pictures of him all cozy in bed, though. That would be nice.

Hello, Crazy!

I Like the first amendment. I like it because it secures my rights to call this guy from Batshit Crazyville The Westboro Baptist Church a f@#king a##hole s#$tbag. But seriously, everyone has the rights to their own opinions.

Fred Phelp's opinion is that whenever anything horrible happens, it's God's way of saying that we are all sinners. Because the God he believes in is a dick. Gawker (link above) has the video in its entirety of this man saying he and his church (followers: 4) will protest the funerals of the Tucson shooting victims. Because God travels through the body of a 22 year old Roger-Daltry-in-the-1960's look alike who is mentally instable. I decided not post the video because it was so gross, so watch at your own peril. This, however, is a choice screenshot.

The Constitution

You guys, Congress is reading the Constitution today! You think they would have done it in 5th grade, but no matter - better late than never! But not the whole thing. Just the parts that make this country sound not-offensive. Oh, and to insinuate that the Constitution was written by an all knowing deity instead of human beings that are innately flawed, thus suggesting that instead of looking at it as a tool to work from that evolves over time as our tolerance as a country did, it is rather to be seen as a rule-book for enforcing whatever the Tea Party cherry picks. Kind of like the bible.

To cleanse your palate, here is a moving version of Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" as re-imagined by a subway accordion player.

Dirty Shore

Last night, just a regular night, the usual - club seats to the Knicks game. And you know, some of your standard celebrities sitting courtside... Spike Lee, Chloe Sevigny, Paulie D from the Jersey Shore...

Wait, rewind. Yes, Paulie D. As in that Paulie D. Honestly, you can't miss that orange hue. And what was he doing the whole time? Texting, tweeting. Wouldn't you? Who needs to watch the game when you're that important, getting paid to do nothing? (Ok, I kind of know what that feels like) Here are some select tweets from last night. Note that the Knicks had the decency to respond.

Bad News For My Dad

This can't be good. Some lady is suing Disney World for emotional abuse (I want in!) because Donald Duck fondled her (oh...) Yes, it's true. Apparently all of the employees at Disney World are just a bunch of sexually liberated furries. I mean, we all know Goofy is a strange morph of a man-dog. How far fetched is it* to think that maybe he is the result of some furry fetish gone too far?

* Very