Gwyneth's Advice

Gwyneth Paltrow, aka Miss Perfect Pants, has a website called GOOP. It's about how to be perfect. Yesterday, she wrote this blog post which is all about time management and children. I thought it was so funny I sent it to my friend, who is in this show with me, and has two kids. She wrote back a response.

First, Gwyneth's version (this is not made up):

"Got Apple all fed and dressed in her uniform and ready to go but no sign nor sight of Moses at 8 am and we have to be out of the house by 8:20. I went up to arouse the little man from slumber and he quite happily got up and crawled into my arms. We got downstairs and I made him a quick breakfast of eggs and toast followed by a spoonful of lemon flavored flax oil that I try to remember to give them both every morning.

When all was well I dodged off as fast as possible but was still late to the 9 am workout. Did dance aerobics for 45 minutes then all of the butt lifts and the like. Rushed upstairs to have a shower, doing my post workout stretch while the conditioner was doing its magic on my hair to combine activities/save time.

Got home and had a fitting with super stylist Elizabeth Saltzman for the upcoming Nashville trip (what to wear, what to wear?) from 1-2. This is my 4th out of 5 fittings for this trip. We tried on a myriad of dresses and outfits, and I had b.o. by the end of it from wrestling with all of those dresses.

At 4pm, my weekly owners' and managers' call takes place for the Tracy Anderson Method with our brilliant CEO Stephanie Stahl taking the lead. I basically listen and try to learn. Kiddies burst through the door and play in my office while I finish up, just drawing and hanging out and of course playing Plants vs Zombies on the iPad, their obsession that I have to limit like crazy! What up, gamers. Then downstairs to make cupcakes for tomorrow’s bake sale. It is ‘Bonfire night’ in the UK tomorrow and the bake sale is to celebrate and to raise money for charity. We decide on vanilla cupcakes with pink icing and green icing (from Tate’s Bakeshop cookbook with the icing from American Desserts cookbook).

The kids indulge in a super sugary cupcake before bed but I don’t feel too bad because they had a brown rice stir fry for dinner with baked sweet potato on the side. It’s all about balance! My night to lay with Mosey so I tuck Apple in, say a prayer and go into Mosey's room for a story, foot massage and quiet time. As soon as all was quiet, I rushed downstairs to grab a blazer and some blush and flung myself in the car for girls night.

Time saving tips:
1. Schedule your time well. When I know what I am doing from hour to hour I get more done. Write it all in the day’s calendar, what you want to accomplish and in what time frame.
2. I cook a lot, especially on the weekends, so I like to plan a rough menu for the whole weekend and get the food in on Friday. Obviously stores and websites that deliver make this a dream. In London I use Ocado. Also James Knight, my favorite fishmonger, will deliver. Having all of the ingredients means I'm prepared even when I don't think I am.
3. I always lay the kids uniforms and school things out the night before once they are asleep. When it’s quiet I can check the "kid list" for show and tell items to bring in, consent forms, ballet kit, etc, so that the morning is less of a scramble."

This is my friend's version:

"C---, my four-year old, got herself dressed this morning in her uniform for school (pajama bottoms and a Batman tee-shirt) and she was ready to go but no sign or sight of W---- at 5:45am and we have to be out of the house by 9:15am since school starts at 9. But we didn't have to wait long because the little lady roused herself at 5:55am and screamed at the top of her lungs for someone to come get her out of her damn crib. When I picked her up she happily demanded a bottle and crawled into my arms with a soaking wet diaper that leaked all over my robe.

After throwing her crib sheets, blanket, and stuffed Moose soaked with urine into the washer, we happily made our way into the kitchen where I made a bottle for W---- and a double-espresso for myself. I looked for some lemony flax seed oil to pour into the bottle, as per the advice of a Super Mom that I know, but all I could find was olive oil so I just used that instead.

When all was well, (three hours, two Dora's, two tantrums, and another double-espresso later), I dodged them over to the school and then dodged myself to the grocery store. I stopped by Duane Reade and picked up a bottle of conditioner. I asked if I could use their bathroom so I could put the conditioner in my hair since I didn't have time to shower this morning but I knew I could multi-task my grooming with my groceries.

I speed-walked to the grocery store which would have to count for my aerobic workout for the day, but I was still too late to get in on that 99 cent special they were having on lentils. I saw a crate on the floor next to the beer and did a few steps to get all of my butt lifts in and the like. (What's like butt lifts, again?)

I got home and had a fitting with my best friend, K--------, who was helping me decide what to wear in my improv show that night (what to wear, what to wear?!!?!). This is the fourth time I've looked through my closet to decide on whether I should wear the blue dress from 1998 or the green dress I bought for one of our shows two years ago. We tried them both on so many times that I my armpits were on fire. Thank goodness I was wearing deodorant.

At 4pm, my weekly owners' and managers' call takes place for the How to Be a Rich Super Mom Method with our brilliant CEO Gwyneth taking the lead. I basically listen and try to learn. The two devils burst through the door and play in my office while I finish up, pulling on my leg and asking for something to eat and writing all over my papers, until I hand them each their iPads and tell them to sedate themselves. What up, gamers. Then downstairs to make cupcakes for tomorrow's bake sale. It is "Rich People Have Taken All the Money Out of Public Schools and Put it into Private Schools" day tomorrow and the bake sale is to celebrate the economic and social divide in our community and to raise money for poor children who can't afford iPads. We decide on vanilla cupcakes with chocolate frosting because that's what was on sale at D'Agostinos.

The kids indulge in a super sugary cupcake before bed but I don't feel too bad because they had whole wheat frozen pizza for dinner with some chopped up deli ham on top. It's all about balance! My night to put both kids in bed since my husband is still at work so I lay with C--- and then I lay with W---- and then I lay with C--- and then I lay with W----. Then I say a prayer that these children will finally shut their damn eyes and go to sleep, but the prayer doesn't work. So I read another story and tell C--- to give me a foot massage and then I close the door on W---- and let her cry it out. While she's still crying, I rushed downstairs to grab my winter coat and duffel bag and hail a taxi down to the theatre to do a show.

I also list a few tips for saving time which include:
1. Schedule your life well. Don't have too many children and if you can afford it, hire a few nannies.
2. I cook a lot, especially at the last minute when I've just come home from work and my kids are cranky. So I like to plan a rough menu for the day and pick up all the food while I'm out grocery shopping. Having all of the ingredients means we'll have food to eat that night.

3. I always lay the kids uniforms out even though they override my choices and decide what they're going to wear to school. When it's quiet, I will drink half a bottle of wine by myself and thank my lucky stars that my kids pick out their own show-and-tell items and I haven't signed them up for ballet. That way, I can finish my bottle of wine and pass out so I'm ready for the 5:45am wake-up call in the morning."

The author of this masterpiece of a response is Lauren Seikaly, who stars with yours truly in the hit show, Naked in a Fishbowl.