Take Me To The Pageant!

I'm sorry to do this to you so early in the day, but if you haven't seen the beauty that is Toddlers and Tiara's, this is a great example of why some people should never breed.

This Will End Well

I had dinner with some lady friends last night and Natalie Portman's recent engagement became the topic of conversation for 2.5 seconds. Basically, one of my friends said, "Hey did you hear that Natalie Portman is marrying that ballerina who got her pregnant?" And we all burst into a fit of bitchy giggles. Because seriously, we all know what's going to happen, right? Now, I don't feel bad for Natalie Portman. I don't even know her. But she's known this guy a year, he kicked his girlfriend of 3 years to the curb because he became obsessed with her, and he wears tights. I kid, I kid! But as my friend put it, "She's not pregnant. She's knocked up." There is a difference, people.

Snow Day

I made it into work today you guys! For those of you who don't know, there was a little bit of a Snowpocalypse™ this week. And boy was it bad. Mostly because there were no snowplows. Oh, I'm sorry, there were a few, but they got stuck:


I know, I know, let's try a cab... oh...

This following shot is not from my neighborhood, but nearby. You get the idea.

At least I wasn't one of those hundreds of people who were stranded on a train for hours. I was sitting pretty with my rum and cider in warm places. So really, yesterday was somewhat awesome. My dog had a bit of a time getting around, but it's amazing what a pocketful of dog treats can do. And a dog sled.

My Favorite Things

Well, it's nearing the end of another year, and I'm happy to say it's been a good one. I don't normally think about "end of year lists", but gosh darn it, I had a few reflections last night after spending time with a dear friend of mine from college. And since it's the holidays and I'm feeling a little sappy, I'm going to share some of them with you.

Things In My Life That Make Me Happy

- My dog, even if he is getting ridiculously old.

- Dlisted.

- My sexy boyfriend. Honestly, his body is like a strapping athletic 19 year old's. (But he's not 19 so it's not creepy.) No, seriously, I have private pictures in my iPhone that I look at all the time sometimes. Not that looks matter though, especially when you have a brain as hot as his. Whoo!

- My family, because even though some of them are crazy, I can write shows about them.

- My family take 2, because when I write shows about some members of my family, the other ones support me by coming to every single one.

- Truffle oil. It's delicious.

- The ladies in my show who make me laugh until one of them pees.

- Jonah and all the Groinstrongers out there who fight battles bravely and honestly, and are always available for a good laugh when life tries to kick you in the metaphorical dick.

- The iPhone 4. Just because.

- Finally, my friend Courtney from college who reminded me again of how rich and layered our lives are thanks to these things. Oh, and she brought me homemade jam and here's a video I made for her of my dog really, really wanting the jam.

Merry Happy!

Sorry guys, it's been a while. I have been busy spreading Christmas cheer, seeing Broadway shows, closing a show and spending an inordinate amount of time with family, other people's families and my friends. Which is a good thing. But I'll tell ya, homegirl needs a break. I've been doing one thing to treat myself though - I have been spending a lot of time in taxi cabs. I even took a cab the other night to go about 10 blocks, that's how I actually roll.

Here's how NOT to celebrate Christmas - with ungrateful little brats who hate books. Seriously, I want to smack that kid's parents for encouraging this incorrigible behavior. Warning, this video will piss you off.

Books and Baby Dinosaurs

So my bosslady and her lady cohort are thinking about writing a book. I'm trying to convince them to let me write some of it - I'm picturing sidebars next to some of the chapter text entitled, "What my assistant thinks about that," and it will just be my non-business savvy layman comments about what they're trying to say. I think it will be a hit! But no... my boss says I'm too "funny" for her book. I don't get that. She needs to do something to make people read it. I may suggest pop-up dinosaurs, just because I loved those books as a kid. And who doesn't love dinosaurs?

In my google image search for "dinosaurs with saddles" (hello Kentucky Creationism Museum), I came across this gem. See, dinosaurs really did exist on this earth with man, and with Jesus no less!

Decent Proposal

You heard it here first, or second. Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson are divorcing.

Now, I know what you're thinking. If you're a guy, "Sweet! Scarlett is single." If you're a lady, "Sweet! Ryan is single." It's a win-win. But the real winners are people like me who love romantic comedies.

If you're a Rom-Com lover, (and maybe I attend Rom-Com conventions with the same enthusiasm and fervor as a gamer at Comic-Con), you'll know that Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are the queen and king of this genre. As such, they are meant to be together because I say so.

If you don't believe me, check out this awesome clip from The Proposal. The real winners in this scene are the dog, the balcony and the rug.

Junk in Trunk

Oh, man have I been busy! Sorry it's been a while. I've been taking my bison out for walks.

So Sweet

What's racist about a white cupcake being drizzled with blackface fudge and singing hip hop? Nothing, if you're Duncan Hines. The ad was pulled but you can still watch it here. This recipe is also known as the Jolson.

Snuggle Up

I know I've mentioned it before, but seriously - let's talk about Cuddle Parties again. Cuddle parties are events that promote "nonsexual snuggling" and take place all over this country. Maybe even in your own town. Or bedroom.

Now, you can't just show up to a Cuddle Party, take off your trenchcoat and meld into the flannel jammie pile. There are rules. And I know what you're thinking, but no. The first rule of Cuddle Parties isn't don't talk about Cuddle Parties. In fact, sharing is what makes Cuddle Parties so special. Here are the rules:

1. Pajamas stay on the whole time.
2. You don’t have to cuddle anyone at a Cuddle Party, ever.
3. You must ask permission and receive a verbal YES before you touch anyone. (Be as specific in your request as you can.)
4. If you’re a yes, say YES. If you’re a no, say NO.
5. If you’re a maybe, say NO.
6. You are encouraged to change your mind.
7. Respect your relationship agreements and communicate with your partner.
8. Get your Cuddle Party Facilitator or the Cuddle Assistant if you have a question or concern or need assistance with anything during the Cuddle Party.
9. Tears and laughter are both welcome.
10. Respect people’s privacy when sharing about Cuddle Parties.
11. Keep the Cuddle space tidy

I can easily say number 11 is my favorite. What exactly does an untidy Cuddle space look like? I don't think you want to know.

So ladies and gentlemen, let's get creepy cute:

Very Interesting

So my friend and fellow castmate's absentee father will be attending the show tonight and we are all ready to represent. A few years back I had my crazy dad show up to the same show. Also, another cast member's bad dad wanted to come tonight, but she told him a resounding hell no. What's up with deadbeat dads and our show? Tonight is looking like it's going to be very interesting.

Celebrate Good Times... Oh, No

Oh my god, it happened again! Since when is Celebration behaving like a pent up teenager who just had sex for the first time and wants to do it over and over again? Yes, there was a second murder in the creepy town of Celebration, which has never seen a murder since it opened in the 90's, and the two crimes aren't related! Maybe all of that music that is piped into the plants is making everyone go nuts. That, or Captain Hook is settling some scores.

Bad News

WHOA YOU GUYS the Happiest Gated Community On Earth™, Celebration, had its first ever murder! For those of you who don't know what this town is, it's a Disney-run community and you're not supposed to die an unnatural death there. Really, it's in the lease. No but seriously this is a sad story. What do you think happened? Feel free to put your own answer in the comments section.