Oh Damn

I can't believe I've never seen this before. Please, please watch this.

Well That Was Nice

So, there's this "women in comedy" website that I've been featured on, and the woman who runs it is really nice, which is why I won't name it. But yesterday one of the contributors wrote this "hilarious" piece, and here it is:

No one wants to see your play.
Sorry.

No one wants to be an extra in your film.
No one cares enough about your ego trip, vanity project to get out of bed on a Sunday morning and stand for twelve hours in the public park that you can't afford a permit for....and re-enact your vision of the French Revolution on a youth soccer field.

No one wants to be a DP on your film.
Because no one wants to be a DP. Who gets more tail: James Cameron or Russell Carpenter? Who's Russell Carpenter? Exactly.

No one wants to DVR your TV appearance.
You're on TV now. Get cable.

Wow, got issues much? Here's the thing- I'm an actress in New York and I've been in some pretty sh@#ty productions, and some darn good ones too. And a lot of plays I see are what I call "Theater of Obligation" because friends are in it. However I'm in this business because I genuinely love it, and if no one wanted to see anyone's play ever, then there would be no demand for theater. But there is. Maybe no one wants to see HER play. That I may understand.

Extras in films? You'd be surprised. If you are creating something awesome/fun/interesting people do want to get involved. Plus I did some research on this blogger and I see she is "SAG eligible" so I know there's a high chance she's certainly been an extra in films.

DP's (Directors of Photography for those of you who aren't hip enough to understand the lingo in her brilliant post) are, as a fact, some of the sexiest men in every crew, and next to a heterosexual leading male actor, do get the most tail. Seriously, every shoot I've ever been on, girls on the crew always swarm to the DP - he's many steps up from the guy with the 10 rolls of duct tape on his belt, and that guy's pretty sexy too if you're into gamers. DP's love their job and often do it for free to build their resume. And, like I said, tail.

The whole DVR your TV appearance thing I don't get- is she saying like, "Please tape me because I don't have a TV" or "Hey, I'm going to be on TV so please DVR it and check me out"? Either of the two requests are perfectly acceptable.

So, yeah. I was mildly surprised that on a site solely created so that comediennes could support each other, this woman thinks it's okay to tell you that you suck, have no friends and are making poor choices. And listen, that's what my mom is for. But seriously folks, (just a joke mom- I know you are supportive), the only place for brash negativity and cheap shots is my blog. Kidding.

Train Adventure!

I don't know if any of you have ever been evacuated from a train but I will say it is quite the experience. For some reason never explained to us (probably a false alarm situation at a major subway hub), the trains were all halted for an extraordinarily long period of time. Finally, ours went forward a few inches, just enough for the first door of the first car to open up- and from there the whole train was asked to evacuate through that one door. Everyone was surprisingly nice and calm. I think we were really excited top finally get off the train, (which had already been re-routed twice). Crazy! The funny thing is I actually couldn't care less- I was playing my new favorite game Gem Spinner on my iPhone and was really happy I had the extra time.

Bathe Thing

Thanks to my friends at Engrish.com, we are introduced to the Bathe Thing. I'm not sure what it does, but I know white people like it and it's a good sanitarian. Which is a lot like being a good Samaritan but without the well intentioned deeds and grammatical correctness.

Where's The Emmy

Ladies and gentlemen, if you haven't yet seen the best acting job ever of all time, you don't know what you're missing. And I'm not talking about Jesse Spano and her No-Doz breakdown/Emmy worthy scene with Zack Morris in Saved By The Bell. Amateurs, people. I present to you the best thing you'll ever see today ever (today). Bristol Palin in her acting debut.

But Seriously Folks...

Ladies and gentlemen, in honor of Gay Pride Week I present to you Notajoke:

Continuity Is (Not) Important

A few years ago I did some union extra work on a film that went nowhere. Being an extra is horrible- it's like being glorified scenery. You sit around for hours on end and usually you are paired with someone really annoying who thinks this is "acting". I had that same experience when I was on the set of this particular movie, but the money was so good and I needed it at the time, so I did it.

It was two days of this restaurant scene, and the theme was the restaurant was one of those "eat in the dark" places, and it was shot "night vision style" hence the green hue. At any moment I expected Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs to pounce out with his magnificent tuck job, but that's besides the point.

Months after shooting wrapped, I got a call- they wanted to re-shoot the ending of the restaurant scene, and was I available tomorrow? Well, seeing as how I'm not a contracted actor, unless you pay me a lot more, no. I really really did not want to end up back in that room for another day so they could re-shoot a scene that I'm sure was no better than the first. So they found a replacement actress, and spliced it together.

I finally rented it just to see. So for the first few minutes of the scene, there's me on the left, with my date. Cut to the last 30 seconds of the scene- same guy, different woman. I challenge all three people who saw this in the theater to notice this mess.

I Don't Understand This Crap

Can someone please explain to me why the tweets are pulling a whale out of the water when they should be using their precious energy tweeting? Over capacity my butt. Why are they taking a whale out of the water anyway?

Groinstrong!

My friend Jonah was on the news! Check this out!!!

Whinny

A few months ago I had to make cut out horses for some presentation my boss was making, apparently at Romper Room. I had an extra one so I made it for my friend here, Clara. Well, she moved to California recently and left her horse behind to remember her by in her empty office. We finally hired a new guy and everyone kept asking, "Where's his horse? Where's my horse?" Hahhahah. Well, I know how to work a scanner, printer and sharpie, bitches. Horses for everyone.

Cat Fight

OK, please someone caption this for me. It's only 9 seconds long so you have no excuse not to watch. Here's an idea, "B@#ch you call that a hat?!?"

God Be Mad

A Jesus statue was struck down by lightning in Ohio recently, but the sign for a triple x porn store across the street was untouched. Which proves my theory - God is a jealous, perverted pyromaniac.

Nice Surprise!

It's not my birthday. I just want everyone to know that. But I got a delivery of birthday balloons because I hosted a trivia night for a charity and they thought it would be funny to send me birthday balloons (because they didn't make "thank you for hosting trivia" balloons). Aw, how sweet. It's a damn shame I can't take them home, but someone's gonna have fun with helium this afternoon.

The Supremes

Um, m...Ms. Bader Ginsburg? Ms Bader Ginsb...Ruth? Over here. Over here. No, this here.

Ah, Youth

Today's Hero Award goes out to this delicate angel. She's young, but don't let that fool you- she managed to get away with saying "cunt" not once, but twice, on the Today Show. Meredith Viera just about jumped out of her pleather chair, but she handled the rest of the interview with dignity and grace. Listen closely and you can hear Katie Couric do a slow clap.

You can watch the unedited NSFW@!@!! version here. Or you can just appreciate my artist's rendering:

Call 911

I know I shouldn't make fun of this lady, so instead I'm going to give her a salute. I mean, we've all done some very interesting drunk dials, but this one takes the cake- a lady was arrested for dilaing 911 because she wanted a husband. It was, after all, an emergency.

In the clip below, you'll find that the local news crew interviewed both the lady and the 911 operator. There's no conflict here- their stories match.

So really, the most interesting thing about the story to me, is this fantastic mug shot:

Jerk Of The Day

Today's Idiot of the Day is this guy, Joran Andreas Petrus van der Sloot, the f@$king a##hole who allegedly killed Natalie Holloway in Aruba 5 years ago, and then 5 years ago to the day of her disappearance killed a woman in Peru, which he admitted to. To paraphrase him, "I had to- she was looking through my shit."

Oh, man.

In other news, my show opened last night and it was fantastic. That's really all I want to say about that.

But seriously guys, isn't Joran van der Sloot a f@#king d$%k?

Not Gay

This video is hilarious/cute/mildly depressing. Thanks to Justin Long and Mike White for making my nerd-on-nerd fantasies come true:

Tickle This

For those of you that don't know, Elmo is voiced by a very large, handsome African American man by the name of Kevin Clash. Let's just say that the high point of the evening (besides a rare sighting of Snuffleupagus!) was when John Legend did a duet with Elmo, and I swear the sexual tension between John Legend and the guy playing Elmo was thicker than my apple compote. For reals.

Oh, and Joe Biden was awesome, even though the host already made a "Big f@#king deal" joke. That was our line!!!

Help You Help Me

Tonight I'm going to a benefit for Sesame Street, and Elmo and Vice President Joe Biden are going to be there, among other fun guests. There's a very small chance I'll actually get to meet him (Biden, not Elmo. Are you kidding? He's way too busy). If that's the case, whatever shall I say? I need your help. God as my witness, whatever wins, if I get the chance, I'll do.

BTW

It's been a touch busy here at TempCo today because I have a show opening in less than a week and it's been a little crazy to say the least. Hey, who needs programs? I'm kidding- we're actually shockingly on track. I think you'll like this article, it explains a lot.