Photographic Evidence

Whew FINALLY! I was finally able to post some pictures and video of our vacation here. Check it out!

Why Hello There

Wow you guys, I am back and boy did we have adventures. I have so many pictures and video I am making a separate blog page for them. Until then, enjoy some choice footage of me getting over my fear of a. heights, b. heights and c. fanny packs.

My Trip

Aloha y'all. I probably won't blog from Hawaii but then again, I may. Because if you have forgotten:

- My sister won this trip at a charity auction
- It's 3 nights in a penthouse in Maui, with free massages, a private lanai with a jacuzzi, on a white sand beach
- Upon further inspection the next day as my sister nursed a massive hangover, she found out it was a Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered resort
- It is also "clothing optional"
- We later found out that the weekend we are staying the hotel is also hosting an American Kennel Club dog show.
- A big gay, naked dog show
- We're also going to a luau

I'll try to keep you posted. If not it's because I'll be having a gay old time.

EXCITING NEWS!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW Dan Savage, the awesome sex advice columnist from the Village Voice called our NOM parody the best yet!!!

Go Fish

Today's my last day at work because I'm going to Hawaii, b@#ches! I've spent all morning learning how to pronounce the state fish of Hawaii: Humuhumunukunukuapua'a. You should hear me, I sound amazing. And mildly stupid.

Jonas Donators

In a weird twist, The Jonas Brothers just donated $50,000 to my co-worker's charity. They still will not play at my boss's kid's birthday party next week.

Gay Marriage

Speaking of marriage, remember this horrible PSA? Well a few of my friends and I got together and made a super low budget response. Please send it to like, a million people so we can be like that Scottish singing sensation chick but with more people and less eyebrows.

Wedding Season

This wedding invite makes me want to vomit and I hope they enjoy that $250 crystal cake plate I picked out for them. Looks like it's gonna be a hoot, right? Who doesn't love a catholic wedding? Luckily my job is to buy things, not attend.

Not 24

Hmmmmmmmmmm... so I took the elevator with two federal agents this morning. The had the badges and the ear thingies. What on earth do you and your co-worker say when you have to be in this tiny enclosure with Feds for about a minute? I can think of a few things NOT to say:

1. Whoa boy, I sure didn't pay my taxes this year
2. Hey, how's that illegal handgun operation going?
3. I'm gonna be late to work tomorrow- picking up some heroin in a kitten shipped from Mexico
4. So my cousin says, THAT'S not a real passport and I'm like, I KNOW they still make 'em great in Times Square- but it's at the Planet Hollywood and you have to ask the waiter for the "Polanski"
5. I don't get it- why don't they just call you "right hand man" instead of "consigliere"?
6. I'm high as a kite
7. Hmmm... I smell bacon
8. FREEZE MOTHERFUCKERS!
9. Whatevs, that Valerie Plame was a whore
10. Say what you will, but I can hide a highly condensed bomb making solution with considerable potential for mass casualties in a shampoo bottle of 3 ounces or less

First Pet

Bo Bama Bama Bo Bama Banana Fanna Fo Fama Mi Mi Mo Mama

Bo Obama.

Eat This

If one more freaking Girl Scout downstairs yells out, "Girl Scout Cookies!" one more damn time from their god forsaken table piled high with cookies in front of a huge sign that says GIRL SCOUT COOKIES I swear to Christ, there will be one less girl scout in the lobby.

Really Awesome!

Holy s@#tballs everybody! The following is from a letter leaked by a CAA agent (one of the biggest talent agencies in the country) explaining why there is no work. THIS IS SO ENCOURAGING! I did not make this up, this is a real letter. It is a bit long so only read it if you have time, but if you are an actor you should definitely read this.


"Dear Clients,

I wanted to take a moment and give you a number of important updates….

Before I begin, however, I wish to tell you all that I am so very proud of you all for your dogged determination during these most difficult times. Hollywood is being challenged on multiple fronts – labor uncertainty, paradigm shifting and the ‘great recession’.

I know a lot of your are getting antsy to get out more, and frankly many of you are in a tight financial pinch; as such, I wanted to describe to you all the current climate in LA and the factors influencing the current environment.

1. SAG STALEMATE: Since the SAG contract expired on June 30, 2008, there have been few to no STUDIO feature films (this does not include companies such as Lionsgate and the Weinstein Company who are not in AMPTP and as such have completion agreements). Some analysts say there are up to 200 feature films on hold. Around September, we started to see a mass movement of film actors to TV projects. Many of my "name" actors have done one-day guest stars (this is very typical right now), and we are seeing a number of Guest Star level actors doing CO-STAR roles. Remember from November of 2007 to March of 2008, due to the Writer’s Strike, again there were no feature films shot. So for the film actor, there has only been 4 months of work in the last 17 months. THE BOTTOM LINE: Due to the lack of studio feature film production, BOTH film and TV actors are now competing for a limited number of jobs in the episodic and pilot environments.

2. PILOT SEASON: During the Writer’s Strike of 2007-2008, Studios adapted and used the void to eliminate pilot season as we know it. Gone are the days of hundreds of pilots. In fact, this year, there are only 67 pilots to have registered for production – of which only about 35 have been green lit for production.

And this year, due again to a sagging economy, studios and networks believe that by committing named stars to their projects, they will receive more money from this year’s up-fronts from ad agencies. They are banking on star power to leverage better buys at the all important UPFRONTS. So, stars and pop-stars like Richard Dreyfuss, Chevy Chase, > Brittany Snow, Elle McPherson, Rebecca Romijn, Ashley Simpson, Scott Caan, Skeet Ulrich, and proven TV talents like Kelsey Grammar, Eric McCormick, John McGinley, Joel McHale, Jenna Elfman, Donald Faison, Maura Tierney, Peter Krauss, Craig T. Nelson, Dax Shepherd, etc…. You do the math, 37 pilots… top stars being sought… BOTTOM LINE: the conflagration of the economy and a lack of roles being cast, means that this pilot season may be even more competitive than the concurrent regular TV market right now. So those of you who have gotten auditions for series regulars… feel great about that!

3. TV: While TV has been steady, again due to the conflagration of film and named actors doing Guest Starring roles, we have seen a horrible trickle down. Many Guest Stars are now doing Co-stars and Co-stars/Developmental Actors (those with less than 5 primetime credits) frankly are not getting seen much. One CD recently told me that she had over 25 women who would be considered ‘working actors’ going for a co-star role. BOTTOM LINE: Again, due to the abundance of name and working actors, many less-developed actors are not even being seen right now.

4. ECONOMIC IMPACT I – THE EROSION OF QUOTES/RATES: There are really three major impacts to actors during this economic crunch. First, we are seeing the erosion of quotes. Due to the availability of so many talented actors, CD’s and Producers are in the driver’s seat in negotiations. When they say, “well we got someone else who will do it for less”, they ain’t kidding. I have spoken to a number of my peers who have confirmed this erosion of pay for their actors. In short, right now, quotes are eroding and for many, the minimum has become the maximum pay.

5. ECONOMIC IMPACT II – THE CONCLUSION OF SAG STALEMATE: Many are hoping that with the end of this stalemate, Hollywood will get back to normal. I have to say, that I am not one who necessarily believes this. First off, due to the economic conditions, most studios have lost their millions of dollars from hedge funds; and European, Asian and Middle Eastern money has dried up. Even Stephen Spielberg has had to beg, borrow and steal to get his company financed …. And it wasn’t anywhere near what he originally asked for. I believe that, even after the SAG stalemate is over, there is probably not enough money for 50 Studio Feature Films to be done right out of the gate. BOTTOM LINE: While this will help us move towards normalcy, it will not be the cash cow some people think it will be. One side note, is that I expect that more formulaic projects will be down out the gate as Studios will be less likely to take significant risks since most of these projects will be financed by both the studio and their investors. In short, you will see more Iron Mans, Animation, and SAWs… they are money in the bank when you factor in ratios, etc.

6. ECONOMIC IMPACT III – OVERALL STATEMENT OF ENVIRONMENT: It is important that everyone follow the economic conditions closely. I know it is easy to be skeptical over the studios, networks, cablers, production houses, show runners, etc, losing money, but it is a cold-hard fact right now. These entities are truly in a difficult spot. If you have read much lately, there have been dramatic cut backs at every studio and network, from firings to asking show runners to cut between 2-7% of their budgets (not to mention the 25+% cutback shows like the Sarah Silverman were asked to swallow recently). Furthermore, these networks and studios are largely owned by conglomerates who have lost in the billions over the last 6 months. When I attended NATPE in January, all the talk was how to get ‘thinner.’ Everything is getting tight. Budgets, Marketing, Staffing, etc., and this will undoubtedly impact the actor. Also, the foreign sales market (where much of the TV and Film money is made, is being hit hard by the erosion of the US Dollar. So these entities are not able to recoup the costs they were in better days by the one-time explosion of the foreign markets. BOTTOM LINE: The economic conditions are forcing the industry to be as ‘thin’ as possible.
7. COMMERCIALS – INDUSTRY AND ECONOMIC IMPACTS: One analyst said last year, that 2008 was the worst commercial market since maybe 1974. I would not argue with this. Think about it: three of the top products/services for ad agencies are banks, cars and other financial services – all of which were struck down in 2008/early 2009 by this recession. This was confirmed when news struck that even the Super Bowl did not sell out advertising this year. The good news is that the advertising industry tends to be one of the first ones to be negatively impacted by a recession, but one of the first to grow as the recession moves to an end as advertisers of products want to start accumulating market share before the turn of the economy. Another impact relates to the overall conditions of the TV/FILM/PILOT situation. Many strong actors have made enough money on TV/FILM, etc so that they have not had to do commercials in years. Due to the last few years and the lack of work, many top actors are now back in the commercial market; thus again, causing a logjam in casting. BOTTOMLINE: The economic slowdown has caused a dramatic decrease in ad sales and the lack of work has caused more actors to re-enter the commercial market.

THE GOOD NEWS!!
Okay, so that is where we are today. You know me, I try to always call it straight as I see it. So, I am not going to sugar-coat this either. I anticipate that 2009 will be a tough year overall for actors (and agencies). First off, the economy will not likely get straightened out until at least the 3rd to 4th quarter of this year and so all the factors above will remain in place through most, if not all, of 2009. Secondly, until the labor situation gets straightened out, we will not be seeing dramatic amount of film production, and this seems to be dragging along as well (as we enter the 8th month of the stalemate – it was announced today that SAG is thinking now about taking AMPTP to court for anti-trust violations). But again, even if it was finalized, there is not enough investor money to see the film production level normalize and increase for most, if not all, of 2009. Also, since movies cost around $40 for two (tickets, popcorn, etc) – this is not a recession proof field anymore. During our last significant recession, there were few choices for guilty pleasures to get away from the stress of our times – so many people flocked to the theatres. NOT SO THESE DAYS, one can go to the web, TV, cable (not around in 1974, 1982, 1988 much), Video Games, Netflix, RedBox (movie for a $1). So studios are probably not in any big rush to make films – as people cannot afford this once cheap diversion – better to divert for a few bucks to all the many other sources of guilty pleasures. OKAY, so that didn’t sound like good news…

The good news is that there are some paradigm shifts occurring that make 2010 -2012 look like it might be one of the most prolific times in Hollywood history. Due to technological developments, there are more platforms being developed than ever. The internet is driving millions of new viewers each year. Zillion is going to transform the way we view advertising. For those who don’t know, it has recently been unveiled by the maker of Real Player and the ‘mouse.’ It is a system that makes you watch ads before downloading movies (they already have 14,000 Titles ready for download), TV, other forms of entertainment to your TV Screen. However, the consumer can choose the products they want to see (let’s say you go retail clothing and watch a Macy’s ad and love the jacket; you can immediately click on the ad/jacket and go directly to their website where you can buy it). Also, you earn points by watching the commercials that you can use towards purchases. Furthermore, SONY and others are now selling TVs that wirelessly connect to your computer, so you can download TV/FILMS at anytime from your computer (websites like Hula, Netflix, etc) directly to your TV. In short, technology is making more platforms which will require more content than ever. Also, Cablers are all embracing doing scripted shows, some have up to 5 shows this year… again, more content is needed and thus MORE ACTORS!

BOTTOM LINE: More platforms = more content = more actors! So as long as SAG/AFTRA can protect your rates and jurisdictional issues, there will be more good compensated work than ever in Hollywood by 2010-2012."

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go barf all over my expensive headshots, take a nap and set the clock for 2012.

B@#ch Got Talent Like Britain

Busy day today- I'll explain later but for now, enjoy this awesome footage of this woman who is getting all teased on "Britain's Got Talent" until she opens her mouth and puts people in their place. I love these stories.

Susan Boyle - 47-letnia śpiewaczka z brytyjskiej wersji "Mam
by luloczek

A Hand

I think I've hit rock bottom- since I have tomorrow off and I want to use my SAG card for some easy cash I've been looking into some "extra" work and I just responded to a job to be Angelina Jolie's hand double. I think all I'd have to do is hold babies or weapons something.

The Finalists

Now that the blind guy is gone, we have 7 contestants left on American Idol. If memory serves, it's Lil, that Redhead Chick, Pretty Boy, Timberlake, Gokey, Anoop-dog and the Glambert. Whatever will happen? Well, I had the opportunity to interview some of these contestants last night after the last elimination. Here are some bits:

ME: Hey guys!

ALL: Heeeeeey!!!

ME: So, walk me through a typical day at the "Idol Mansion".

ANOOP DOG: Well, first we wake up and drink Coca Cola for breakfast, it is so very refreshing.

REDHEAD CHICK: Agreed.

GLAMBERT: Then we all go for a ride in our Ford Focus.

LIL: It corners so well.

TIMBERLAKE: Definitely.

GOKEY: Sometimes we get in an impromptu water hose fight when we're washing the car!

LIL: While singing "Signed, Sealed, Delivered". Spontaneously.

PRETTY BOY: It's so funny when Allison wears a white shirt!

REDHEAD CHICK: What?

TIMBERLAKE: You know- like when we got into the water balloon fight while singing "Happy Together".

ANOOP DOG: Yeah, that was cool.

REDHEAD CHICK: Excuse me, I am 16.

PRETTY BOY: Jeez, relax. We're just saying you have nice jugs.

REDHEAD CHICK: Lil, help me out here.

LIL: They are nice.

GLAMBERT: So, anyway, about our typical day, after we drive around in the Ford we make calls on our AT&T phones. The we bathe in glitter and swirl in our rooms while listening to Ziggy Stardust over and over again.

TIMBERLAKE: Well, you do.

GLAMBERT: Sorry, yes I do.

PRETTY BOY: Then Seacrest comes into our rooms and tucks us in.

TIMBERLAKE: What?

PRETTY BOY: What, he doesn't tuck you in?

ANOOP DOG: Uh, no.

ME: So, who do you think will go next?

GOKEY: I think Anoop.

ANOOP DOG: True that. And I don't care- I just want to get in another water balloon fight with Allison.

TIMBERLAKE (high five's Anoop): Yeah, dog!!!

REDHEAD CHICK: I'm going to fucking kill you.

GOKEY: Whatevs- stop wearing white shirts.

Oy Gay

What really concerns me about this PSA is that they chose people who are clearly homosexuals.

And Speaking of Addresses

Whoops! That's two mommies Sandra has. Let my get the white out.

Where To

Since many parents at my boss's kids school are divorced I don't know which of the two addresses to send the birthday invites/Rock of Jonas VIP passes to. I'm alternating between the moms and dads.

Card It

I really really really really really really wish you could see what I am doing right now. Oh wait, I have a camera. You can.

This... is my job. I am making Jonas Brothers birthday invites in VIP tags.

Some Skillz

Ok. I'm not made of wood, people. My New Co-Worker and I have been fighting it out over Lambert vs. Gokey (American Idol talk if you've been living under a rock or have a life). She's all about the Lambert, even though she didn't know he was gay (explains a lot), and I'm all Gokified, but after last night's performance, I'm turned. Not only did he perform one of my favorite songs, but he did it rather well. I'm a might pissed that now EVERYONE's gonna be downloading that song when it was my little gem but that's ok. Check it:

Thanks, Bill

YOU GUYS!!! How can I go about my day now that Bill O'Reilly broke the news story that Adam Lambert is GAY!?!

Jonas Mania

So I am off to Staples to buy laminated VIP badges- I thought that would make a pretty cool invite to a Jonas Brothers theme party, wouldn't you? "You're on the list!" "VIP", etc. My boss loves it but the only problem is that we had to make it very clear on the invite that the Jonas Brothers would not be there. In any other school in any part of America this would not be a problem, but her kids go to a very privileged school with even more privileged parents and the possibility of hiring one if not all 3 Jonas brothers is a distinct possibility- my boss tried. Plus they're playing at her older daughter's friend's batmisvah so, well, we didn't want to get the kids too excited considering all they're getting is a guitar pinata, a Jonas brothers cake and a rousing game of "find the Jonas brother in the closet!" There also may or may not be Jonas Bingo.

Uh... Really?

I don't know what's worse- planning a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese like last year, or having to plan a Jonas Brothers themed birthday party this year. I suggested "pin the purity ring on the Jonas Brother". My boss kind of liked that idea.

Owie Ow

I should get a dollar every time I get a paper cut in this place. Seriously. I'd have at least $5 by now.

What The

I don't really know how I feel about the Japanese Penis Festival.

Bon Beauty

Well barf-tastic. As some of you know, I occasionally cover shows for this online magazine so I am constantly getting invited to screenings and events. This is what I just got an invite to:

"(New York, NY ­ April 6, 2009) -- The Tribeca Film Festival today announced that the first screening of the documentary, Bon Jovi: When We Were Beautiful will play as a work in progress screening at the 2009 Tribeca Film Festival, presented by founding sponsor American Express."

OK, first of all, what's up with that title? When we were beautiful? Does that somehow imply that they are in no way still desirable? Because they're dudes- dudes don't lose their "beauty". But what concerns me the most is that it is a "work in progress" screening. To me that translates into a failed plate of doodie pie.

"Directed by filmmaker and photographer Phil Griffin and produced by Academy Award®-and Emmy-winning producers @radical.media,"

Rut roh, already they've dropped some heavy artillery by using the "A" and "E" bombs, and I'm not talking about Awesome and Exciting.

"The documentary was filmed on the road and behind the scenes with the band during their 2008 Lost Highway World Tour,"

This cannot be better than Rock of Love

"...which famously came to a close with a historic concert in New York City’s Central Park and two sold-out nights at Madison Square Garden."

Since when have they not sold out "The Garden"? Their band was invented for the Garden.

"At the height of their success—with a number one album and a number one tour—and celebrating huge milestones, Bon Jovi: When We Were Beautiful susses out the secrets behind this legendary band’s determined and charismatic leader Jon Bon Jovi, and band members Richie Sambora, David Bryan, and Tico Torres."

Translation: Please care about us again other than paying homage by our 45 yesr old fans singing endless karaoke versions at a bar at 2am.

"'Nothing says rock ’n’ roll more than Bon Jovi,' said Tribeca Film Festival co-founder Jane Rosenthal."

Jesus Christ.

'This compelling documentary gives you a glimpse behind the scenes of one of the great rock bands and unveils how they have stayed on top for the past 25 years. "

Hey, wanna go? I mean I might be able to think of something more exciting to do, and it may involve my couch and a pair of nail clippers. I'm just saying.

Don't Tell!

OMG ladies what are Obama's secrets?

• How to please the congress in 10 easy steps!
• Learn how to give the taxpayers a MINDBLOWING stimulus package!
• Lose 10 lbs. in 10 countries! (hint- at a European tour stopover skip the buffet and head straight to the summit!)
  

Oh Jeez

In case you were wondering, Heidi Montag did FINALLY make it up the stairs.

You Guys!

I was trying to work on this post but then this guy showed up because he's out of job and has nothing to do. Anyway, what I was saying is that there are NO MEN in the office today and it's awesome. I mean, not that that isn't an everyday occurrence as there are hardly any men here anyway, but now we can really let our hair down. Both Bosslady and New Girl aren't wearing shoes. The Accountant Lady is in a track suit. I'm about to bust out my Indigo Girls CD. And then of course, we will all have the mandatory pillow fight.

Back Again

I'll admit it- even I don't know if I can handle this. That did not, however, stop me from laughing out loud. Ladies and gentlemen, the trailer for the new Bruno movie. Oh, you have to put your age in because apparently they want to know when to send you a birthday card.

These Heels

Ow. I'm starting to understand why in all those movies about bad girl secretaries they fling their shoes off in defiance. My feet hurt, yo.

Not So Big in Japan

This week, President Obama gave a rather unusual gift to the Queen of England- an iPod with all of her favorite tunes it it. Not as widely reported was the iPod Obama gave to Japanese Prime Minister Taro Aso. Some were put off by this gesture but don't understand why. Here are some of the top selections that he thought the prime minister would like based on their Japanese connotations:

"West End Girls" - Pet Shop Boys
"We Like the Cars that Go Boom" - Le Tigre
"East of the Sun" - Joshua Redman
"Mr. Roboto" - Styx
"Lovers in Japan" - Coldplay
"Just a Friend" - Biz Markie
"What's Up With All That Tentacle Porn?" - The Jonas Brothers
"Baby Got Back" - Sir Mix a Lot
"iGo to Japan" - iCarly
"A Lapdance is So Much Better When a Stripper is Crying" - Bloodhound Gang

Ms. Naughty

Uh oh, today is Naughty Secretary Day!!! You see, usually I'm all dressed down in a jeans and t-shirt for work (why else do you think I took this job?) but once in a blue moon I'm feeling sassy. So watch out kids, I'm all sorts of nasty today- reooowr! Don't make me take that pencil out of my bun and shake my tousled hair as it cascades down my shoulders in slow motion. The outfit of choice? Black pencil skirt, belt, tight pink top and strappy heels.

Poll It

Hello Carrie

Since today is America Idol day (it is?), I was reminiscing with a co-worker about favorite past performances. This is what we BOTH said:

Lambert Who?

You see, the thing about AI's Adam Lambert is his versatility. One week he's singing a kama sutra inspired sitar version of Ring of Fire, and the next week he looks like Frankie Valley. So who exactly IS Adam Lambert?

A Supermodel?


A Hard Working Lady?


Or A Queens Housewife?

My Predictions

According to Dial Idol, Megan Joy "Don't call me Corkery" Corkery will be voted off. I didn't really see all of the performances but I'm pretty sure she wasn't one of the best. In fact, I might even bet money on it. Luckily next week's theme is "songs about human flesh and the underworld" so Adam "My Dark Side is Fabulous" Lambert is a shoo-in to take that one.

Happy Fools!

You guys didn't think I'd go all FLDS on you right? April Fools! Among all the other not so funny jokes I pulled today, I convinced my boss that a co-worker was pregnant and she was all, "Saw that coming." Damn. How about you watch this crazy footage of the ladies at the Yearning For Zion ranch and we'll call it a day.