Christine O'Donnell Doesn't Wax, And Other Things I Didn't Want To Know

According to this report in Gawker, a guy is claiming that he made sexy times with Christine O'Donnell at a Halloween party. Sort of. Even if this story is BS, I am admittedly fascinated by the true-maybe-not-true details. Like, the fact that she said she was a born again virgin. Or that she doesn't wax. Or, most shockingly, that she drinks Heineken.

So naturally, I felt the need to turn this into a movie.

Ceiling Eyes Has A Mom

I really missed my calling in the mom department on this one. I'll start from the beginning, which as we all know, is a very good place to start.

There's a woman by the name of Audrina Patridge. No, she's not an actress, although she's been on TV. No, she's not a dancer, although she was just kicked off Dancing With The "Stars". She doesn't even have a job. But she has money. She also has a very unfortunate nickname: Ceiling Eyes. It's because she looks like this.

That's her looking directly at you.

Now, the reason she's "famous" is because she was on that show, The Hills. Her personality has been described as that of a soggy lima bean. But her mother, well that's a different story. Someone found her gem of a maternal angel outside a restaurant the other night, and this is what ensued. Sometimes, I wish my mom would get shitcanned tipsy and defend my honor.

Ugggggggggggggggggggggh

OK, it's already been a bad day. I got into an altercation with some construction workers who really liked it when I adjusted my coat (who doesn't, really), I'm just overall cranky and now I have to go to Ricky's to buy a child a Halloween costume. For those of you that don't know, Ricky's is that store that all the goth and punk kids frequent year round to find hair dye and theme candles, but during Halloween they open up extra locations, and forget about social mores. It's all out Lord Of The Flies stuff happening in there. First we have the kids behind the counter who hate their lives, and everyone shopping has the attitude of a quarterback heading to the goal line. Wish me luck.

But on a good note, it's Naughty Secretary Day and I'm not wearing panties. (Okay, pantyhose).

Yawny Time

It's a small miracle that I'm awake this morning. With a litany of show stuff and other work on top of not feeling 100%, I've been quite literally running on empty all week, but like, successfully. 6 hours of sleep? Sure. I've eaten nothing but food out of a vending machine? Great. But last night I got home at a decent hour after a great rehearsal (9:00!) and went... straight to bed. After a few rounds of Angry Birds, my new favorite game on my iPhone that is my before bed guilty pleasure, that is. And "playing Angry Birds" is not a euphemism for masturbation, by the way. But it is the name of my new band.

Anyway, I slept so hard, I actually dreamt that I was sleeping. So when it was time to wake up, it was kind of hard. Luckily, I have this new book from star of the Jersey Shore, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino to give me my daily affirmations. This morning, I chose this:

"You've got to beat back the beat. Battle it, bro."

Truer words were never said. Here is some more from that chapter.

Christine O'Donnell FTW!

Thanks to this awesome program, you can make your own movies! I made one about freedom lover, tax paying hater, not-a-witch, constitution expert Senate nominee Christine O'Donnell who, if you don't know, recently doubted the idea of separation of church and state in the constitution. For my Canadian friends, that's kind of like saying there's no bird on a Loonie coin, eh?

Here's my creation:

A Superhero

The real award for the Gubernatorial race in New York City goes to this gem of a secret Ninja, Jimmy McMillan, of the "Rent is Too Damn High" party. Speaking at last night's debate, along with a homophobe, a former madam, and the guy who will probably win, here is his introductory statement, along with some others:

And if you'd like a flashback to the late 90's when you first learned HTML, here is this candidate's website.

Some Dance

Wow what a weekend! Namely I saw a great dance piece that my friend Jonah's wife created. If you like dance, here's some vids below, including an awesome song Jonah wrote. If you don't like dance, you are a Nazi sympathizer who hates puppies.

It's A GIF Gift

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you some of the world's top GIF's this year, in no particular order.

1. Dawson. I think I remember this episode. It was either the one where Joey told him she was in love with Pacey, or Gretchen told him she had an abortion, or his dad died in a car crash because he was driving while trying to pick up his ice cream cone off the car floor (I did not make that up). Either way, enjoy:

This next one I like to call, "Eau de Boobsweat":

And finally, the "Bitch please oh and bythewaywhere'smycrackIcouldhaveswornIleftithere" face:

Jimmy Fallon and Justin Bieber

If you do one thing today, watch this. It's Jimmy Fallon as Justin Bieber explaining the housing bubble. I'm just going to let you grab a juice box, sit back in your inflatable neon chair, dim the lights and enjoy.

Catty Observation Of The Day

Listen, I'm really happy for the trapped Chilean Miners, and I'ma let them finish, but I have something to say about their rescue today. I have to credit my friend/comedian Jamie Kilstein for this observation: it's weird to see the miners thanking god when it's really technology that saved them. Hear me out- I'm not made of wood, and I was crying along with everyone else this morning when I saw that guy embrace his 7 year old son after 69 days, but really. With religion's track record for hating on science, it's like watching someone 5 years from now who's saved because of stem cell research thank god. I'm really happy for them, though, did I mention that?

Paint it Up!

Today's post is brought to you by Guy in Multiple Cat Shirt on the Subway This Morning. You should have seen his mustache, but that's for another day.

What's even weirder is when you take this picture, and soup it up with the Cat Paint app.