Presidential Primary Theater

Herman Cain: Thank you for meeting me here.

Michele Bachmann: Why are we at a Denny's?

Cain: Shhh!

Bachmann: What?

Cain: I don't want to get recognized.

Bachmann: Ok. So, why did you bring me out here?

Cain: First, have you tried the Grand Slamwich? It's fucking delightful.

Bachmann: Mr. Cain!

Cain: Herman.

Bachmann: Herman, I'm a busy woman, and I don't have a lot of time so will you please get to the point?

Cain: Michele, I think you know why you're here.

Bachmann: They say you are ahead in the polls.

Cain: "They" are right.

Bachmann: If you win the nomination, you'll need a running mate.

Cain: No.

Bachmann: What?

Cain: That's not true. Not in my world. I'll need you.

Bachmann: Herman, I don't follow.

Cain: How about... I be YOUR running mate.

Bachmann: I... huh?

Cain: Michele, it's PERFECT! No one has ever seen anything like this before! I win the primary and then BOOM! I declare, as president of the nomination, my first order of business will be to step down and be YOUR running mate!

Bachmann: I have no idea how that will work but I like where you're going.

Cain: Michele, this party is all about surprises. We're going to need to do something radical to get people's attention. And let's face it, you are more qualified.

Bachmann: That's true.

Cain: And your husband has always been so nice to me.

Bachmann: He does like to give a good back rub!

Cain: Plus all the time he's visited me at Grandfathers Pizza late at night, walking me to my car to make sure I get home safe.

Bachmann: He's a heck of a guy.

Cain: It's your calling, Michele.

Bachmann: Herman, you know I only listen to God.

Cain: Just think of me as his son, Jesus. (He takes Michele's hand)

Bachmann: (she holds it, then pulls away) Herman I...

Cain: Yes?

Bachmann: I should go.

Cain: Should you?

(They gaze into each others eyes)