It's All About The Benjamin's

So I was walking down the street today when I saw some money on the ground. It looked like a $100 bill. Turns out I was wrong. It was two $100 bills.

Let me just let that sink in.

It was on the curb, neatly folded, as if it had come out of a rich person's wallet. I have a lot of experience with rich people's wallets as it is my job to fill one up with $2,000 cash once a week. So I know whoever dropped it wouldn't miss it. I mean really - who carries hundreds anyway? Then I look around exaggeratedly, in case I'm on a candid camera show, as I want to make it very clear I just found it and I'm looking for its rightful owner. Seriously, I so over-mimed the "DID ANYONE LOSE MONEY" face and hand gestures, I could have been in The Artist. I had no shame in my overacting. No one responded. Finally, a guy in a suit sees me and says, "Finders keepers!" Clearly he had just witnessed my Théâtre du Whosemoneyisthis. But then I go up to him, dumbfounded with two hundies in my hand and I see his eyes widen. Clearly he had thought it was just a dollar or maybe a $20. He shook his head. "Wow." I could see the wheels turning in his mind that maybe he could pretend that HE was the one who dropped it, but the jig was up after the "finders keepers" line.

I just put it in my wallet and kept walking. No one followed me. No one jumped out from around the corner with a camera. I just kept walking....

...all the way into Saks AMIRITE LADIES?!?