My Skills

On the off chance that I might be needing a new job if the markets continue the way they do, I've decided to update my resume with some of the skills I have acquired the past year and a half. They include:

• Improved typing (from 40 WPM to at least 42)
• Picking up/delivering Oscar Awards
• Fielding phone calls from crazies
• Screening fanmail that contain human hair
• Notarizing
• Personal shopping
• Navigating two sets of twin children through Times Square
  
• Blogging (obv)
  
• Writing, producing and acting in soft core porno hit theater show
• Typing memos, reports and other correspondence
• Word, Excel, Windows 95/98/2000/NT
• Masturbating
• Improvement in Excel
  
• Preparing paperwork for outgoing faxes and courier packages and managing shipping and receiving activities
• Eating free lunch
• Excellent in procrastinating with Facebook, specifically with the applications of Scrabbluous, Wordscraper and Scramble
• Proficient in creating imaginary dialogue between presidential candidates
• Excellent knowledge of scanning in hand drawn pictures
• Light data entry