In Your Facebook

Have ya heard about this newfangled Facebook the kids are crazy about these days? Well after numerous friend requests I finally joined, and it's really weird. Friends can do all these strange things to you like bite, chest bump, defenestrate, dropkick, headbutt, high five, hug, kiss, lick, pet, pinch, slap, spank, sucker punch, tickle, trip, worship, throw a sheep at you. I'll log on and it says "Hello! A [friend from ten years ago you smoked pot in the bathroom with from college] has superpoked you!" I'm emotionally bruised.

Your friends can also "write on your wall" and become a zombie.

So basically... people you haven't seen in years, but whom you are actually happy to get back in touch with, are now immortal abusive vandals.