Horoscopes!

And now, the very accurate and very real Tempy Horoscopes:

Aries Mar. 21–Apr. 19: It's such a shame that you wasted such a beautiful weekend when you could have been doing something else that would have paid off more for you, both financially and spiritually. Maybe this was the weekend that you'd meet your soulmate or get that dream job? No. I guess that Megan Fox movie was much more important. Enjoy your massive failures.

Taurus Apr. 20–May 20: You have the incredible ability to see the future of yourself and only you. No need to keep looking through your neighbor's window.

Gemini May 21–June 21: Whatever you do, don't turn around.

Cancer June 22–July 22: It's called Fall for a reason.

Leo July 23–Aug. 22: If you've ever doubted yourself, now would be a good time to do it. But only for a bit, until the food coma clears.

Virgo Aug. 23–Sept. 22: You are more powerful than you realize and you are also better than most people. It's not a secret, especially if you keep telling everyone that.

Libra Sept. 23–Oct. 23: All of those things you did are about to pay off, yet unlike your uninhibited drug experimentation in college, pay off in a good way.

Scorpio Oct. 24–Nov. 21: You are about to make a huge life change that will clearly be a mistake and much like most things, you won't realize it until it is too late. But on a good note, you have nice hair.

Sagittarius Nov. 22–Dec. 21: Mmmmm you like toast.

Capricorn Dec. 22–Jan. 19: It's that time of year when new things abound and you should hold onto them tight so that they don't bound away!

Aquarius Jan. 20–Feb. 18: Pisces is a tough act to open for, isn't it.

Pisces Feb. 19–Mar. 20: Hello, beautiful. Hey, I hate to see you leave but I love watching you go. Come up and see me sometime. Remember, it's not a cliche if it's the truth. A fool and his money are soon reunited and then he gives you the money. Don't bite the hand that feeds a gifthorse in the mouth.