Oh Really

Ok, last night I stumbled upon an old Gossip Girl. Let me just say that that show is so ludicrous for so many reasons. First of all, I don't understand how these 17 year olds are getting served martinis at fancy bars. As an ex-bartender and someone who generally knows the industry, New York bars don't care who your daddy is- if you're underage you can't drink. Clubs sometimes make exceptions but I'm not talking about clubs. I'm talking about real classy old man Upper East Side bars.

And speaking of which, what the hell are these kids doing in establishments like that anyway? They should take their raging hormones down to the village and hit it real teenager-like, not this highfalutin shitfuckery. I don't know any teenager that really has a taste for a stiff gimlet, I'm sorry. When did they have the time to cultivate such a classy appreciation for good drinks? Were they drinking amaretto sours when they were 3? I was still tipping on vodka-cokes at age 20 and no, I'm not even talking Absolut or Stoli. It was Nikolai all the way, son.

I won't go into all the sex they're having because I'm just jealous I didn't have any of it in high school myself. But everything else genuinely pisses me off.

Look at these fuckfaces. The guy on the right is 18 going on 41. The guy in the middle is allegedly the "Sexiest Man Right Now" according to some magazine. Oh, and the guy on the left? He's way to complicated for you and I. He doesn't even know that he's on a show- he's just high and drunk all the time and as such doesn't notice the camera as he weaves through weak plot point to weak plot point in a vague effort to stay awake so he can take more swigs of Laphroaig 18 out of his flask. He doesn't even know where he is- all he knows is there's a vagina nearby with his name on it.