Summer's here and everyone's in a great mood! Well, except for the fact that it's 1051551 degrees in New York today and there may be a blackout in my neighborhood. So I think we can all agree that while Summer is generally awesome, it has its moments. Which is why I compiled this list:
Things I Don't Like About Summer
- It's not the constricting, sweltering, apocalyptic heat that bothers me, it's the constant Facebook status updates about it. I know it's hot. You know it's hot. Is that all you've got for a status update?
- If you're not a man you won't get this, but I do not exaggerate when I say how difficult it is to walk by a construction site during the Summer. Winter's bad enough but I'm not wearing a strappy dress in the Winter. And excuse me, but it's hot out and I can wear whatever I goddamn please. Now I can hear the dudes going, "Oh, c'mon, they're just looking at you and YES you are wearing a dress and probably look nice." Ok, all that is true, but it doesn't take away from the fact that these compliments in the form of leering rapey eyes, hisses and cat calls are coming from a guy who looks like this:
- You think you get a free pass from the asshole kids on the subway once school ends, but during the Summer you are at a greater risk for ending up in the dreaded "Day Camp Group Outing Train". Stay away from large groups of children on the platform in matching yellow shirts with a stupid name like, "Camp Happy Kids Time", because those children know they are being sent to glorified daycare while their more affluent friends are actually going to camp. And get them all in a group on the train and you may as well be riding in a small overcrowded playground. And I'm always worried one kid's going to be left behind. Does anyone else worry about that? I do.
- I know this is unrelated to the season, but I'd like to say the movie 500 Days of Summer was the biggest piece of crap I've ever seen.
- I've never been a fan of sprinklers that go off randomly, and there is a greater influx of them, specifically in my neighborhood, this time of year. And usually when I'm wearing a white dress/tank top*
- I had a lemonade stand when I was a kid, and I really took it seriously. Like, my lemonade was awesome. I don't know what happened, but somewhere along the line kids got lazy. Would I like to pay 50 cents for some warm sticky yellow sugar water? Why yes, that sounds great.
- Clipboard people from Greenpeace or the ASPCA. They don't give a crap about the animals when it's cold, oh no. They choose the nicest days of the year to stand around and act like they care, and as a result make me feel like I don't.
- "Homeless" teens from Connecticut. Again, only are homeless when it's nice out.
*see bullet point two: "construction workers"