If I Were A Rich Woman

I had a dream a while back that I won like, a bajillion dollars off a scratch card. It could happen, right? I mean, if J-Lo's mom can win $2 million in Vegas after already giving birth to an empire, I've got nowhere to go but up.

So here's the age-old question: If you won a stupid amount of money, and you already paid off your loans/medical bills/freeloading Southern relatives, how would you spend the extra money? I mean, on fun stuff. Here's what I would do:

1. My dog's got a few years left. So before he buys the farm, I'd like to buy him one. With a talking spider and a whiny pig.

2. Pay NY1's Pat Kiernan to come to my house and read me what's in the papers every morning.

3. I'd buy all kinds of chef's to cater my food so I don't have to rely on take out. I'd get those that specialize in Thai, French, Japanese, Italian, Middle Eastern, Chinese and Indian food. And just to make pat Kiernan happy, I'd get one that exclusively does Canadian.

4. Who wants a house made out of candy apples?

5. I'd get 5 dolphins to go into my humongous pool. Two to do tricks and make me smile, two to transport me from one end to the other, and one to make drinks.

6. Project Runway? Screw that. Tim Gunn and all you designers- you work for me now. And I make the cuts and you still have to have the runway shows, challenges and model walk-off's. And Nina Garcia will feed me grapes.

7. I'd pay Donald Trump whatever he wants to go to Lynne Cheney and say, "Who wants a combover ride?"

8. Speaking of Lynne Cheney, I'd re-publish her lesbian romance novel, Sisters.

Gosh, the possibilities are endless. What would you do?