Tempy

Year of Tempy

2012-01-31T09:49:00.002-05:00

Those of us who write random thoughts on the interwebs know that people often visit our sites not because they know us, but because of key search terms. And when we track said traffic, we can see what those search terms are. Here's the top reasons people found my blog in search engines for the last year:

It's really not all that shocking. I'm only slightly surprised that naughty secretary is right below cookaroos, but I'm glad that people who are interested in ornithology are getting what they need from Tempy.

To be quite honest with you, I don't really remember what all these posts are about - I do remember writing about kittens, George Bush, dinosaurs and dwarf dogs, but I can't quite place the x-ray porn part. Oh, well. Let's all do our share to bring "mexico ID" up in the ranks, shall we?

Who Do You Think I Am?

2012-01-27T10:41:00.000-05:00

Based on search terms, there's a way to find out how old Google thinks you are. Say, for example, I'm Googling "Werther's Original" and "When is Jessica Tandy's birthday", you'll likely assume that I'm 75. Here's what Google has to say about me, based on my search terms (click on the picture to enlarge):

Yes! Google thinks I'm younger than I am! Wait... that might not be a good thing. To find out how old Google thinks you are, click here.

GOP Theater

2012-01-24T10:41:00.001-05:00

A door opens. In the silhouette we see the figure of a man - lean, tall.

Newt Gingrich: Come in.

Mitt Romney enters the room, closes the door behind him, and sits across from Gingrich.

Mitt Romney: Newt.

Gingrich: Mitt.

Romney: Newt.

Gingrich: Mitt.

Romney: Newt.

They burst out laughing

Gingrich: Aw, dude! Good to see you. Scotch?

Romney: Newt, you know I don't drink. I'm a "Mormon".

They both laugh as Gingrich gives Romney a hearty pour in a glass. Romney downs it and tips his glass for more. Gingrich obliges.

Gingrich: Ah, but seriously. I asked you here for more than just drinks.

Romney: Of course.

Gingrich: I have a question.

Romney: Shoot.

Gingrich: Does this tie make me look fat?

They laugh

Romney: Yes!

Gingrich: But seriously folks, what doesn't! Ha ha, no, anyway, we need to talk about the primaries. First of all, great job on your attack ads.

Romney: No, no not my attach ads... my Super Pac's ads!

Gingrich: Ha! Yeah. Anyway, nice work.

Romney: Thank you sir, same to you.

Gingrich: I know. Now, I want to talk about Santorum.

Romney: Ugh, that piece of shmegma?

Gingrich: I know, I know. But... he's still on our tail.

Romney: I should have pantsed him when I had the change at the last debate.

Gingrich: Yeah, that guy deserves a major wedgie.

Romney: Big time.

Gingrich: Listen, you know and I know that whoever "wins" this is still the "winner" since we've each bet $200 million that the other one of us will win. Shit, I'll take that money and take Calista to a nice island off the coast of somewhere and just disappear.

Romney: I have the same plans for my family. I seriously hate politics.

Gingrich: But if Santorum wins, then what?

Romney: Exactly.

Gingrich: He has a chance.

Romney: Not with the ladies.

Gingrich: ZING!

Romney: ZOWWWWA!!!! Ahahhaha, but seriously.. I'm listening.

Gingrich: We need to do something drastic. I mean, drastic.

Romney: I'll kill him with my own bare hands. I'll put him on the roof of my car in an airtight container and watch him shit himself. I'll get one of my sons to shoot him in the...

Gingrich: Wait wait no! No. Here's what we do. In Florida, let's make a major push for one of us to win. The other will screw up in a debate - stammer, look a fool. Perry it up.

Romney: Got it. Ok, last time was me so this time how about you fuck it up.

Gingrich: Weeeell... let's toss a coin.

Romney: Think that's fair?

Gingrich: I mean, it is a coin.

Romney: OK.

Gingrich: Heads I win, tails you lose.

Romney: Sounds fair.

Gingrich: Ok, Heads! I win.

Romney: So... wait, that means you'll take Florida?

Gingrich: That's what we agreed on!

Romney: Um, ok.

Gingrich: Hey HEY! This is all about keeping this from Santorum. Shoot, if I win, which I don't WANT to do, you'll get $200 million from me.

Romney: Yeah... about that. Do you even have $200 million? I mean I know you know I do.

Gingrich: Of course! It's in an offshore... money market... trust... thing.

Romney: I know we didn't sign anything, but a gentleman's agreement means a lot to me.

Gingrich: Me too.

Romney smiles and gets up. He and Gingrich shake hands.

Romney: I mean, we're all on the same team.

Gingrich: Except Santorum!

Romney: Exactly. Well, I better go. I have to start practicing my "awkward debate pauses".

They laugh

Gingrich: K, see you later!

Romney: Buh bye!

Romney strides out. Gingrich closes the door behind him.

Gingrich: Fool.

Gingrich laughs. And laughs. Laughs long and heartily. Then coughs a bit. And laughs again.

My Night With My Week With Marilyn

2012-01-23T14:22:00.001-05:00

I had the absolute pleasure of seeing "My Week With Marilyn" last night courtesy of the SAG awards freebies. It was actually quite a beautiful movie, if I may be serious for a moment. It also had some parts that really hit home for me as I am in the "business of show" as they say.

The plot is pretty simple, and it is based on a true story. Marilyn Monroe is cast alongside Lawrence Olivier in a romantic comedy in London (yes, I know). Once they start shooting, it becomes painfully obvious that Marilyn Monroe can't act. Or rather, she's ok, but her insecurities and the need to be loved by everyone hinder her ability to do much, let alone show up on time. Plus there's all those pills she's taking.

She is shadowed constantly by an "acting coach" who quite literally walks her through every step of every line, much to the chagrin of the director (who also happens to be Lawrence Olivier). When Marilyn is convinced she's doing a terrible job (she is), her acting coach gets on her knees and tells Marilyn that she is the greatest actress that ever lived. I have actually met actors like this, and the people that "worship" them. I don't even need to tell you why this is a very unhealthy situation. In the end, well, I won't give anything away, but you should see it.

My only beef with the movie was that Michelle Williams was just too damn skinny. Scrawny, actually. I know, I know, it's all been said before but come on - if I was cast in something where I knew it was ok to be 20 lbs over from what I am, I would be on it like white on rice. Literally, I'd be on a mountain of rice. That being said, Michelle Williams was phenomenal (as usual).

Important News

2012-01-20T10:18:00.000-05:00

It's Friday and you know what that means - ground breaking GOSSIP! Yes, today I am going to give you some insider information. I have it on good authority (ie something I read somewhere) that Jennifer Aniston is indeed pregnant. I know, I know. This news affects all of us. But seriously, if I am right, can't we agree that I scooped all the major mags? Just wait... I'll be the one sitting on a throne with a pimp chalice wearing the "I Told You So" shirt.

In other news, did you know our President can sing? Showtime at the Apollo indeed.

Contagion: Catch It!

2012-01-13T10:15:00.000-05:00

Well it's SAG awards season which means I come home to free DVD's in my mailbox. The theory is that SAG members are supposed to watch all the movies that are nominated, then vote. But seeing as how most people have not seen all the movies nominated, the studios send out DVD's to encourage people to see them. The problem with that is a. I think awards ceremonies are a sham so I don't vote anyway and b. No, I'm not going to watch The Help. I am excited about some of the others, so that's good.

The one movie that did NOT get nominated, however, is the one movie I wanted to see this year but never got the chance: It's the thriller caller Contagion. I finally rented it last night.

First of all, any movie where Gwyneth Paltrow dies within the first few minutes is right by me, so it got off to a good start. I'm not giving anything away - from the trailer you learn that she's the first patient to catch it. I was upset when Kate Winslet died (spoiler alert one line too late), but other than that, the movie was pretty damn good. I did learn a lot about disease, too. For example, did you know that the Spanish Flu killed 100 million people in 6 months? Holy crap, that was less than a hundred years ago. I learned some other interesting facts as well:

When you're one of the first to be infected by a highly contagious and fast acting yet still unknown virus, always take public transportation.
While on said public transport, especially when you start to feel faint and sweaty, be sure to touch every single handrail, pole and surface you find. Lean up against someone to hold yourself up. It's also best to do this while swaggering, and in slow motion.
When you finally die, make sure someone arranges a flashback scenario recounting how many people you touched that day.
Always trust the liberal blogger who thinks he has a cure.
But not at first. At first, you shun the liberal blogger.
If you've shunned the liberal blogger, you'll die.
When you have been working on the case for days and then suddenly cough, say out loud, "Oh. No."
Don't go to Hong Kong.

That's about it. But seriously, the movie was really good. Tonight we will likely be watching Moneyball, and I'll let you know how that goes, although I'm pretty sure I'm going to learn that the underdog who loves math too much will eventually win something.

Santorum? I Don't Even...

2012-01-06T10:10:00.000-05:00

Yes, we've all known for about 8 years now what happens when you Google Santorum. So, let's just get the giggles out of the way for a second. Better? Ok, I'll give you another minute. No, no... it is funny.

ANYWAY I saw Santorum on the news this morning and he was going on and on about how gays are dangerous and the anchors on Morning Joe said, and I quote, "You gotta give it to the guy for not changing the subject whenever people ask him about it". I'm sorry, but if he was talking about his ideas about the economy or our military role overseas, I'd be like, yeah, talk all you want. But when he insists on getting airtime to spew his ignorant opinions on homosexuality, it's kind of like saying, "Gosh that serial killer keeps killing people but darn it, he's got gumption!". Now, if Rick Santorum were to get up and say, "Okay, I am stating a bigoted opinion about a group that repulses me based on my own homophobia and strict adherence to the religious convictions that I am trying to impose on you," I'd give him a slow clap. But until then, stop giving him props for "not changing the subject".

This is him on Fox, making even a Fox news anchor go, "Wha?"

Put The Cauc in Caucus

2012-01-04T10:35:00.000-05:00

Well, the Iowa "Huh Why Do We Still Do This" Caucus is over, and Mitt is it! I think we all knew he's do well, although with the way this race has been going, nothing surprises me anymore. You could tell me a two ton octopus with rickets had entered the race and I'd still think it had a chance. Speaking of who we have running, the other day I heard Mitt Romney talking and I was like, aw, you're the guy in high school who was perpetually in the "friend zone". So, if I had gone to high school with any of these candidates, who would these people be?

Mitt Romney - Like I said, Friend Zone. Someone who I thought had a really nice personality but I'd never want to see naked.

Rick Santorum - I cheated off him in bio.

Ron Paul - He was a player, a major player. He'd get all the girls stoned behind the bleachers as they collectively made fun of the football team. Complicated goths read him poetry while he strummed guitar, and, at some point over the year, he made love to every single one of them. Some of them at the same time. (I'm kidding - he was in the glee club. I just wanted to put that image in your head of him having lots of sex. Good luck getting it out.)

Newt Gingrich - I'd like to imagine him as the quiet, pudgy, endearing guy who eagerly helped me out in English class and volunteered to be my partner during presentations. Maybe I kind of liked him. Don't judge, he was really nice.

Rick Perry - DID SOMEBODY SAY FOOTBALL?!? Because he was the water boy.

Michele Bachmann - I'm not joking, I actually went to school with someone like this. She was in every club, on the staff of every publication, and ran for class president. I don't know if she won, because honestly, who cared. She became salutatorian and has since vanished into obscurity. Enough said.

Jon Huntsman - Oh, let's face it, he's the narc.

Vacation Time

2011-12-27T13:44:00.001-05:00

Well, even though I'm the only one at work, it's actually great because I got a lot of personal work done. Plus, I can almost taste the salty air of Atlantic City, which is where my boyfriend and I are going in a few weeks for an extended stay at one of their fine casino suites. It'll be like the real life version of the Hangover, except there'll be just two of us, no one will go missing, and a tiger will likely not be involved (but one can hope!) Seriously, this place has one of those hot tubs that fit people. Not one person - people. Let's just hope Ashton Kutcher isn't staying nearby. We all know about him and those hot tubs, and as far as I know, my boyfriend may have a man crush on him. 2 and a half men, indeed.

And now, a dog who loves guitar.

Miss America

2011-12-23T09:28:00.000-05:00

Every now and again I wake up and think about the wonders of the world. So many beautiful things. Or to quote the Insane Clown Posse, "Pure motherfucking magic. Right? This shit'll blow your fucking mind." And it should be noted that when I think about the joys of life, and magic, I think of this woman. I'm not joking, I think she is a national treasure. I know I've blogged about her before, but I saw her on the news today and I just had to watch this again and get my freaking mind blown. Happy holidays.

If I Were A White, Middle Aged Certified Public Accountant Who Occasionally Writes For Forbes

2011-12-22T14:31:00.002-05:00

A lot of responses have been written about an article in Forbes this week by Gene Marks entitled, "If I Were A Poor Black Kid". The hilarious comedian and Onion writer Baratunde Thurston even started a Twitter feed as A Poor Black Kid. So I figured I'd throw in my 2 cents.

If I Were A White, Middle Aged Certified Public Accountant Who Occasionally Writes For Forbes

President Obama gave an excellent speech last week about our nation’s veterans by calling for lawmakers to find them jobs. “For all our differences and disagreements, they remind us that we are all a part of something bigger,” said the President, “that we are one nation and one people.”

He's right. More and more of our troops are coming home to find that not only is the economy in a poor state, but it is very difficult to get a job.

The president's speech got me thinking. I have a job, but a lot of people don't. Some people have jobs, but choose to write opinionated blog posts about whatever they feel like for free. Regardless, the world is not fair to those who both have and don't have jobs. But no matter what, people will always have the opportunity to write about whatever they want on the internet. This is a fact. In 2011. 2012 may be a whole different ballgame, but let's get back to the issue at hand.

I am not a white, middle aged certified public accountant who occasionally writes for Forbes. I am a white woman who comes from white parents. So life was different for me than it might have been for someone who wasn't me, and I take pride in blanket statements. But that doesn't mean that having knowledge of basic facts, and cultivating coherent, inoffensive thoughts from said facts isn't a potential strong suit for someone who is a white, middle aged certified public accountant who occasionally writes for Forbes. It doesn't mean that they can't be sensitive when penning their beliefs. It doesn't mean there are no opportunities for them to ever grasp the basic concept of what is appropriate when dealing with sensitive matters they honestly know nothing about. I believe that everyone in this country has the chance to succeed at making only mildly offensive arguments as opposed to colossally offensive ones. Even a white, middle aged certified public accountant who occasionally writes for Forbes.

It takes brains. It takes a little bit of hard work, depending on how knowledgeable one is with selective fact grabbing. And if I was a white, middle aged certified public accountant who occasionally writes for Forbes I might say it takes technology. Because technology is a big fancy word and can mean just about anything. Maybe I would like to take the rest of the article to talk about how much I know about technology.

Technology.

If I was a white, middle aged certified public accountant who occasionally writes for Forbes, I would first and most importantly work to make sure I got the best profile picture possible. That's the first thing people see when they read your words to get knowledge. I would also make it my #1 priority to be able to read sufficiently, so I could write. I wouldn't care if I was a blogger at the worst blog with the worst IP address. Even the worst have their best. Chew on that. And the very best bloggers, even at the worst blogs, have more opportunities because I just said so. And getting good comments is the key to having more options. Because the more comments you get makes you more searchable on Google. Google is a part of technology.

Speaking of technology, I after I would write my blog piece based on thoughts in my head with said selective fact grabbing, I would find places to re-post on various social networking sites along with others. Many places, that I will now list off and link to, as a favor to you. Like Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, Flickr, Foursquare, CliffsNotes, Fubar, Gather.com, Google Buzz, LinkedIn, Livejournal, MySpace, AIM Pages, Badoo, Bebo, CyWorld, EarthFrisk, ECpod , Faves, Grono, Hi5, iBritz, LiveJourna,l Lovento Multiply, MyWebProfile, NetFriendships, Netlog, Orkut, Passado, Plaxo Skyrock, Tagged, Tribe, Trig, Windows Live Spaces, Yahoo! 360 Zaadz and CIA World Factbook .

I would then check to see if I was "trending" with sites like CNN, Blog Engage, Blogg-Buzz, BloggingZoom, BlogsVine, BookmarkUs.net, BuzzFlash, Content Pop, Digg, Fark ,Hubdub, NewsCloud and NewsHeat.

I might then make some dinner while I waited, using sites such as All Recipes, Barmano, Bake Space, Epicurious, Community Family Oven, FohBoh, Kitchen Bug, MyDish, Nibbledish Recipe Key, Recipezaar, Sharecipe, Tasty Planner, We Eatt and WineLifeToday.

Once you're done with your opinion piece and put it on your homepage, you'll want to get it published on a reputable blog. There are a lot of hard ones to get it into. But there are also those who are willing to take a chance on a white, middle aged certified public accountant who occasionally writes for Forbes. Most fancy newspapers, like the New York Times, are filed to the brim with the 1% best reporters imaginable. But there's a secret about them. They want to show diversity. They don't want to look like elitist asshats, so they take a chance on white, certified public accountants who occasionally write for Forbes, to make it look like they mix it up. Mind you, this would never work for anyone a notch lower than my status, but that is what would makes me exceptional. And you can be exceptional too.

President Obama was right in his speech last week. The lack of jobs is a national problem. But the biggest challenge we face isn't inequality. It's ignorance. Ignorance on the part of white, middle aged certified public accountants who occasionally write for Forbes. If only they knew how easy it is to disseminate their opinion far and wide about anything and everything. And it's all because of technology.

Now, don't even get me started on those poor black kids.

Our Beautiful Little Lula

2011-12-12T19:50:00.008-05:00

One of my dear friend's daughter, Lula, passed away last week, after a very challenging 18 months of life. She had many health problems since she was born, and everyone who ever met her was enraptured by her. She had the most beautiful green eyes, along with the longest eyelashes I've ever seen. Lula is survived by a twin brother, who is also extraordinary. I know someday soon he will learn about her beautiful presence. She was as stubborn as her mom, and just as charming. As my friend put it in the memorial service, "In the end the greatest gesture of love that we could return to her enchanting spirit was to release it from the beautiful but broken vessel that was her body."

I am thinking a lot about my friend and her daughter for many reasons. But one of the extraordinary things that I can't stop thinking about is the amount of heart-exploding love one can feel for a human being. And it's not just the love for this amazing little girl; it's also the love one can feel for life-long friends. It's rare that you can get everyone you've ever known in a room together and know that it's ok to cry. Cry, and laugh, about everything and anything. I am truly blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. Below is a beautiful video a friend of ours made for the memorial service. The song, "Lula", is written and performed by a band they've never met. Months ago, someone forwarded my friend the link to the song, and when she passed, Lula's mom and dad contacted the band and they sent them the MP3. I hope they can meet the writers of this someday.

So here's to love, and friends. I also put in the story Lula's mom wrote that was read at the service.

"The twins were due on my birthday, June 21st, the summer solstice. Throughout the pregnancy Sam and I resisted finding out the genders, but I knew I desperately wanted a girl. We had weekly sonograms in the third trimester and each time I reminded the technician; don’t tell us the genders. One day she let it slip: baby B was a girl. My heart was full.

They were born on June 11, 2010, the day after our fourth wedding anniversary. Roan Douglas Walker Murray at 11:37am, Lula Neave Walker Murray two minutes later. Roan and Neave are both islands off the north coast of Scotland, an inspired place that we both love. Lula was my maternal great grandmother and as I learned later, my paternal great grandmother as well. Roan burst out with a scream, but Lula was silent.

We never had a moment when we believed that Lula was healthy. From the first day an avalanche of mystery symptoms and deficiencies were piled on us by specialists; global developmental delay, hypotonia, poor eating reflexes, weak vocal chords, failure to thrive. But in her own complicated way she was utter perfection. She was sea green eyes and the softest skin imaginable.

Despite her catastrophically uncooperative body, Lula’s spirit emanated. She found a way to connect with all of us without any of the conventions of communication that we all take for granted. She couldn’t smile, cry, laugh, she couldn’t even hold her head up. But she was a brilliant little girl; she insisted on being held nearly 24 hours a day for her entire life. When you held her you couldn’t help but feel her very essence pouring through her skin. She oozed love through her pores to anyone lucky enough to hold her.

In eighteen months Lula was able to teach us everything that eluded us during a lifetime of conventional living. There is only one thing that means anything in this universe and that is love. There is no cause, job, accomplishment, or goal greater than to love and to be loved, to care for the people closest to you. Her needs and complexities stripped us of all the artifice of a life without meaning. She struggled to survive for eighteen months, through endless deficiencies, illnesses, procedures, tests, and hospital stays until she knew that we understood what she wanted us to know.

In the end the greatest gesture of love that we could return to her enchanting spirit was to release it from the beautiful but broken vessel that was her body. Lula died on December 4th, my grandmothers birthday. We were able to hold her, bathe her, kiss her, and rock her without the tubes, wires, machines, or needles. Losing Lula is a pain of withdrawal that has reset our heartbeats, that is only survivable because we have been engulfed in overwhelming love from friends and family. She has gifted her twin brother Roan with an ethereal sidekick who will be with him always. She has given us an indelible legacy. In the blink of an eye she has managed to reinvent us all."

To donate in the memory of Lula Neave Walker Murray, please go here: http://www.extremekidsandcrew.org/xkids_site/Donate.html

Part Of Your World, And Coats

2011-12-12T11:28:00.003-05:00

This is what happens in a coat room of a holiday party.

Happy Cabby NYC

2011-12-01T10:40:00.005-05:00

First of all, for those who were asking (so nice of you!), yes, the mammogram was clear and everything is fine with Breasty - I can commence motorboating!

So last night I went to visit a dear friend of mine whose daughter is in the hospital, and as you can imagine it was pretty intense. Considering it had also been a very long day of running around, I was feeling pretty emotional by the time I left. Because it was late, I treated myself to a cab home, and was ready just to listen to my music and zone out. Well, Happy Cabby NYC™ had other things in mind.

I get into the cab, and do the obligatory in-charge sounding, "I'm going to Brooklyn" just to make it clear that he's taking me home even if he doesn't want to, (which invariably, cab drivers don't). But he turns and says, "Wherever you want! I want to make you happy. I am Happy Cabby NYC! Cabby with a 'y'. Google me!" Ok, I'll bite, I thought, as I pulled him up on my phone. Well, what do you know, there he is, all over the internets.

At first I was a bit hesitant to listen to him talk, but he was just so darn charming. He put on loud dance music and would turn it down to spout aphorisms like, "Peace and love" and "Keep smiling, stay happy, throw stress into the garbage", and "Happy Cabby", only to turn the music right back up. He even made his light turn into a flashy strobe during the intense parts of songs. What started out as an emotionally draining day turned into a fun, relaxing night. I wish I had gotten it all on video, but here's a snippet:

Best Day!

2011-11-22T09:41:00.003-05:00

Not exactly. It's a long day, and it's only 9:40. I woke up at 5am. My bad. Since I couldn't get back to sleep I decided to go to the gym BECAUSE I AM A MANIAC and then I went for my follow up mammogram because I LOVE SOME TITTIES IN A VICE. By the time I got to work I really needed a nap but then I finally had my first cup of coffee, and now I'm ready to rock out. So, what on earth shall I do? Work? Please, that's for amateurs.

In other news, my friend who writes the blog the Bitchy Waiter was on CBS Sunday Morning, and he's pretty funny, so if you're bored at work you should check out this clip:

Tiny Dancer

2011-11-17T10:21:00.005-05:00

I spent the better part of this morning at the knee doctor for the Rangers, because I joined the Rangers. No, it's because my health insurance covers his office, and he was highly recommended by two friends. Apparently I have the legs of a dancer, without the benefit of having been a dancer (not counting the amazing thing that happened on the dance floor at this guy's wedding). Because of my high "dancer's" arches, my knee is slightly dislocated due to from years of running and exercising, again because of my sweet ballet feet. In other words, I'll live, but I need mild physical therapy and when I exercise I need to go easy on the knees. And after all that, I should have stuck with ballet.

Master Cleanse

2011-11-09T12:50:00.003-05:00

I had a very interesting conversation today with a woman who you may know from one of the weirdest commercials running today. And when I say running, I mean running non-stop. It's for Phillips Colon Health and... I'll just let you watch below. Anyway, the woman in it is with my agency, so I see her all the time at auditions and I've never talked to her about the commercial. But every time I see it, I get really happy for her. It's weird, I know. Maybe it gives me hope that someday I, too, can talk about my gas and bloating on national TV to the tune of a gigantic residual paycheck every time it runs.

So I saw her at an audition today, and I finally told her that I was really happy for her. She immediately "got it", if you will. She thanked me for saying it and told me that when she speaks to kids in schools about acting (she volunteers at schools in lower income neighborhoods), she tells them how important it is to support everyone around you in your profession, and to be happy for your friends when they get jobs, even if you were "up for the part". And it's true - we all have to stick together. It's easy to want to be jealous when you see someone on TV making bank, but in my experience, if they're a friend, I'm happy for them. It gives me hope that actors get work. It was really emotional talking to her, actually. Who knew that I'd get a ray of sunshine in my day with the Phillips Colon Health Lady (and you know that's what people call her). But guess what? She doesn't mind.

Daniel Dog

2011-11-01T10:22:00.005-04:00

Hello, sorry, it's been a while. With all the weddings, work and holiday stuff I've been barely able to do much blogging. So for my three readers, I apologize. But let's get to the SERIOUS STUFF.

No, it's not the story of famewhore Kim Kardashian filing for divorce after 2 months from a dude she paid to pretend to get married to. No. It's the story of the zombie beagle, Daniel.

For those of you that don't know, (which includes me until I saw this), in some states dogs are gassed to death if they don't get adopted. If that seems cruel, I will say that at least they don't go full medieval and do firing squad or iron maiden. But Daniel got out of the gas chamber that all of his friends and relatives died in, and he was all, "What's up?". Let's call him the Anastasia Romanov of dogs. If you have "allergies" or "something in your eye", go ahead and watch this.

Per SeNSATIONAL!

2011-10-12T09:23:00.005-04:00

I really didn't think the New York Times could out-New-York-Times itself, but after reading an article today, it appears I was mistaken. Now, don't get me wrong. I love the New York Times, and if the paper wasn't true to itself, I would be disappointed. So I share this with you lovingly.

Here is what happened: I'm on the train today reading the New York Times on my iPhone because I'm that girl. Sidenote - my boyfriend was also reading the New York Times on his iPhone because he's that guy. Together, we are blindingly white. So he's reading about sports or Slovakia (collective WTF about that, right?) and much like the commercial, I check out the magazine. Or, an article about Per Se. Basically, it's a food critic's last article there and he wants to go out with a bang, so he chooses his "last meal", and declares Per Se as the best restaurant in New York City.

That wouldn't have been bad at all had he not compared the restaurant to an opera, proceeding to declare each dish certain aspects of said opera. Here's some fun parts:

"And to some, a simple garden salad is the functional equivalent of an aria — particularly as sung at Per Se."

"Standing-room tickets are not sold, but there is an à la carte menu available in the salon up front."

"The restaurant’s truffle-stuffed fat-chicken thigh — crisp, soft, juicy, deep in flavor, with Medjool dates made into marbles, a Nantes carrot mousseline and buttery truffle sauce — might be a tenor’s great turn."

Fuck, now I'm hungry. Where was I? Oh, yes:

"And the beauty of Christofle flatware and Raynaud china, as well as a polished view of the Christopher Columbus statue below, the twinkle of gas firelight and the feel of linens ironed to the texture of freshly sanded pine, can be exactly analogous to towering sets and a thundering orchestra, to the kind of stagecraft that can lead to tears and applause."

No review like that would be complete without this line:

"You may ask to tour the kitchen afterward, or linger over coffee, or simply stare out at Columbus and his dour expression, and contemplate Nirvana."

I swear, this entire review has an air to it akin to the breathlessness of a Courtney Stodden tweet. But really, it was over for me when he managed to make a reference to Marlboros and Coca Cola. And don't think for one second I don't know that as a "blogger" I, too, have jumped the shark by making a Courtney Stodden reference. No one should ever have to deal with that.

Presidential Primary Theater

2011-10-11T09:44:00.005-04:00

Herman Cain: Thank you for meeting me here.

Michele Bachmann: Why are we at a Denny's?

Cain: Shhh!

Bachmann: What?

Cain: I don't want to get recognized.

Bachmann: Ok. So, why did you bring me out here?

Cain: First, have you tried the Grand Slamwich? It's fucking delightful.

Bachmann: Mr. Cain!

Cain: Herman.

Bachmann: Herman, I'm a busy woman, and I don't have a lot of time so will you please get to the point?

Cain: Michele, I think you know why you're here.

Bachmann: They say you are ahead in the polls.

Cain: "They" are right.

Bachmann: If you win the nomination, you'll need a running mate.

Cain: No.

Bachmann: What?

Cain: That's not true. Not in my world. I'll need you.

Bachmann: Herman, I don't follow.

Cain: How about... I be YOUR running mate.

Bachmann: I... huh?

Cain: Michele, it's PERFECT! No one has ever seen anything like this before! I win the primary and then BOOM! I declare, as president of the nomination, my first order of business will be to step down and be YOUR running mate!

Bachmann: I have no idea how that will work but I like where you're going.

Cain: Michele, this party is all about surprises. We're going to need to do something radical to get people's attention. And let's face it, you are more qualified.

Bachmann: That's true.

Cain: And your husband has always been so nice to me.

Bachmann: He does like to give a good back rub!

Cain: Plus all the time he's visited me at Grandfathers Pizza late at night, walking me to my car to make sure I get home safe.

Bachmann: He's a heck of a guy.

Cain: It's your calling, Michele.

Bachmann: Herman, you know I only listen to God.

Cain: Just think of me as his son, Jesus. (He takes Michele's hand)

Bachmann: (she holds it, then pulls away) Herman I...

Cain: Yes?

Bachmann: I should go.

Cain: Should you?

(They gaze into each others eyes)

Heart, Occupied

2011-10-04T09:02:00.009-04:00

Well, we knew this would happen. It's our first, or, fist (you'll see), official Craigslist Occupy Wall Street Love Connection. I can't believe there's not more of these. I have a lot of friends who are heavily involved in this issue, so I've refrained from making a, "Jobs may not be getting made during the Occupy Wall Street protests, but I'll bet you that babies are" joke. Either way, we can only hope that this is just the beginning. But I do hope that in the future, the second word of the post doesn't have a sexually connotative misspelling.

Cute anarchist(?) protestor arrested at Occupy Wall Street - m4w - 29 (90th precinct house, Williamsburg)

Date: 2011-10-02, 5:14AM EDT
Reply to:

I fist spotted you at Zuccotti Park/Liberty Square right before the march started. You're a few years younger than me with short, dark hair and you were wearing all black with leggings and a red handkerchief around your neck. I thought you crushingly attractive but things got moving and I lost track of you before I was able to work up the nerve to say hello. I saw you again a couple hours later when we got arrested on the Brooklyn Bridge, and then we ended up in neighboring cells at the 90th precinct house in Williamsburg. I'm the tall guy with glasses and short, dark hair wearing jeans and a tan t-shirt. I had a gray hoodie with black stripes on the bridge. You made fun of my shoes' tongues falling out because they'd confiscated our shoelaces! Unfortunately you were released in the first group and I in the last, so I couldn't find you by the time I got out. Curses!

I'll be looking for you hard the next time I'm down there, and I won't let the opportunity pass by me a 2nd time! But in case I don't see you, know that I'd love to buy you a coffee or tea or what-have-you (it's cold in that park!) and hear what draws you to the demonstration. Say hello!

UPDATE: You are photographed very prominently on The Guardian:

Location: 90th precinct house, Williamsburg
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

For The Love of Facebook

2011-09-28T09:35:00.006-04:00

My new favorite blog is STFU Parents. It's kind of the most amazing thing in the world. If you don't know what STFU stands for, like my sister and my shrink didn't, it stands for Shut The Fuck Up. Yes, I told my shrink about it - that's how awesome it is. Here's an example of today's mom:

Exactly. So it brings to mind many things I see on the Facebooks that are silly. But you know, it's like if you had a party and invited all of your friends, acquaintances and co-workers - someone's going to get drunk and say something stupid or just... say something stupid at 9am with no excuse. I had a friend who quit FB recently (so she says) but I still find it highly entertaining in small doses. You can complain all you want but honestly, think of all the time we have saved through this interactive platform. Now when a friend or close acquaintance gets married or has a baby, I can just comment on their status, they "like" it, and I've saved us each a phone call. Or, a friend or close acquaintance has had a bad day, I comment on it, they "like" it, and I've saved us each beer money. This is not to say that I've lost touch with my actual friends; quite the opposite. I'm extremely close to my loved ones and see them quite frequently. But if a friend lives far away, instead of having to email pics of the baby to a mass email, they can just post them on the Facebooks and we can all see them. A show coming up? Tell me about it! I actually go to the "events" section some days and see what shows are around. And here's the best part - if you don't feel like hearing from anyone, don't go on. The only people emailing and calling you are those you actually want to talk to.

So, hate on Facebook all you want, but I think it's a handy interactive tool. And honestly, if it weren't for Facebook, would we be able to see hilarious exchanges like this?

Interesting Day

2011-09-23T15:22:00.005-04:00

Boo. My friend was in the hospital all week, my dress got soaked to the bone today so I'm wearing the gym clothes I worked out in this morning at work, and it's still raining. The good news is my friend is getting out of the hospital soon, gym clothes are comfortable, and it's date night and rain makes date night sexy. I think I may have also found a dress to wear to said friend's wedding. I had to consult my fashion expert (my boyfriend gets all his suits custom made so he knows what he's talking about), but at least I have a few options. I got one delivered today that's a little racier than I remembered when I ordered it, and I'm holding it up and my Bosslady walks by and goes, "Try it on". Like, in front of her. We'll see if that happens.

So this morning I recorded a commercial spot for a Petsmart's vet service. Yes, Petsmart has a vet (apparently), and I played a cat lady talking to her cat. They loved the "talking to your pet" voice. I told them all my dog recently died and it was difficult finding the emotional place to channel it.* It got really uncomfortable in the room.

* I didn't. I wanted to, but I didn't.

In Debt

2011-09-21T14:26:00.025-04:00

Ok, I've seen more than one of these on my Facebook feed, and it kind of annoys the crap out of me. Surely you've seen this too:

I'm a little disappointed in my liberal friends. I get that we want the economy to be stimulated, but do you think we can do that by stiffing professors and colleges nationwide? You know what else your student loans paid for? Food. And housing. And I don't know about you guys, but student loan companies historically have very low interest rates, and are extremely accomodating if you are in a financial crisis. Also, I know this may sound crazy, but not all of your friends had to even get student loans, because they already paid for college. Then there's those who have worked extra jobs just so that they could pay their loans off. If this thing passes, (which it never, ever will), do those people get that money back?

Here's where we all need to come together and just take a collective deep breath. Okay, so you have student loans. You can still pay off as little a month as possible, and have it not kill you. And let's look at the positive - at least you had the college experience. Not many people can say that. And truthfully, that's priceless. For example, if it weren't for my education, how could I have gotten in this extremely intense game of Scrabble with a fellow elite graduate earlier?

Two And A Half One Girls Broke

2011-09-20T10:10:00.003-04:00

Because my sister has a new baby-person I spent the night at her place to sleep on her couch and listen for when he woke up just to say, "Need help?" before I passed out again. Kidding, the baby and I had some hang time the first few hours while my sister actually slept, and the rest of the night he barely woke up. This means for those few hours I was awake with him, I watched TV shows I never thought I'd watch. Two and a Half Men, 2 Broke Girls, and 1 Broken Sad Man AKA The Roast of Charlie Sheen. Honestly, it was very educational, and by educational I mean terrible.

Two and a Half Men, which I have never seen, now stars Ashton Kutcher and it was awful. I heard it was awful before, so that means it's doing just fine. 2 Broke Girls was predictable and trite, but Kat Dennings is always awesome, and because it takes place in Brooklyn, it will be a smash hit. I love how the Hollywood producer types don't get that Williamsburg is now too expensive to be broke in, and apartments in NY still aren't the size of those on Friends, but I'm telling you, it's gonna go places. And the Roast of Charlie Sheen was, well, funny and sad. How many jokes can one make about getting your kids taken away from you until it's clear that your kids were taken away from you? HahhahahahAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I got some sleep, not that much, but who cares, really. Now I can finally say I've seen those shows, so the next time I'm at a watercooler with people who watch primetime TV that's not The Daily Show, I'll have something to talk about. Now, to find those people.

!!!

2011-09-16T15:19:00.002-04:00

Well it's been a little crazy in Tempy land because a few days ago my sister birthed a baby friend! He's perfect and amazing and he loves me, so that also makes him smart. In other news...

I had two auditions today and one of them was for a place called "Big Lots". I had actually never heard of "Big Lots" because I live in a city. Apparently Big Lots is like WalMart, but cheaper. Sign me up! So I was nervous about auditioning for this because they warned us that "we had to be comfortable wearing a costume". Um, ok, aren't actors usually going to be in a costume? Then I get to the audition and we get a piece of paper that says, and I'm not paraphrasing, "Hello there! You are a giant orange exclamation point." They wanted me to improvise and the woman asks me, "What are you doing on your holidays?" (I had to assume the exclamation point is Jewish because the only holidays coming up that I know of are Rosh Hashanna and Yom Kippur, but whatever). So I talked about how I had to visit my brother semi colon and his annoying wife, question mark. Yes. Yes I said that.

When I bartended, we had nicknames for customers (that they weren't aware of), and my favorite from back in the day was, "Semi-Colon". We called a man this because he always started talking to you as if you were already in the middle of a sentence. Like, I'd walk by him and he'd just go, "And then he asked me to go outside. I was all... go outside? I didn't even..." then you'd walk away and walk back and he'd go, "Really, really great. Isn't that funny?"

Related, I get back to the office and I'm catching up with all my favorite blogs when I see a post from my favorite site Dlisted and it makes a reference to Big Lots. Consider all of us more informed.

Interesting Piece

2011-09-08T11:11:00.004-04:00

Well, it's 9 to the 11 up in this city and everyone's buzzing about it. There's going to be a big memorial event on Sunday, and already there's infighting. Who's going to sit where, why aren't the first responders invited, the attack was an inside job, etc. I try hard not to read too much about it but every now and again you can't help but stop to look at a photograph or watch a news story. That being said, my hero Pat Kiernan from NY1 news posted what he thought was the best coverage of that day, a New York Times's audio piece. This is an interesting way to look back 10 years later. It's a collection of recently released audio files of calls from the planes, air traffic control, and emergency dispatchers. It's also the most fascinatingly user friendly thing I've ever seen the New York Times do. If you have the interest, check it out here. If not, I don't blame you (I couldn't listen for more than a minute). But I have to give the New York Times props for putting it together.

Stalker Cookies

2011-09-06T14:11:00.003-04:00

Last week my boss asked me to make her home number unlisted. You see, she's not "famous", but she's known in certain circles and is on a TV show, so occasionally she gets attention from the crazies. I still have the fan letter where someone mailed her their shaved mustache hair - this is true. So I just assumed she'd tell me about whatever happened if she felt like it, and got the number unlisted. Today she comes in and there's a delivery on her desk. I open it after pretending to listen for ticking and sniffing the folds of the paper (we have a really funny running anthrax joke here when she gets packages), and it was a tin of Mrs. Fields cookies from... the stranger who called her at home the other night after getting her number from the phone book.

This person who called, a random woman, didn't mean any harm. She was just looking for stock tips. Really. And my boss was obviously put off by it enough that she wanted her number unlisted. And then she gets a box of cookies. I said to her, "How do you expect to get cookies now that you're unlisted?"

The cookies are in the kitchen, and this afternoon a co-worker came out with a cookie in her hand. She asked, "Where did the cookies come from?" I waited until after she took a big bite before I said, "[Bosslady's] stalker." Hahhahahha. But seriously, they're delicious.

Dudus, Where's My Coke?

2011-09-01T10:11:00.006-04:00

Hello, I'm back! I've been back for a while, but I'm officially at work today. I spent the earlier part of this week celebrating the birthday of a very special man and now I'm ready to focus on my non-job. Actually, it's rather slow here because everyone is on vacation, and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. So I'd like to dedicate this post to an unknown hero amongst the drug trade game, cross-dressing Jamaican drug lord Christopher "Dudus" Coke of the Shower Posse Gang.

Now, I'm not drawing attention to him because he used cross-dressing as a disguise, or because he recently pled guilty to racketeering and is responsible for a bloody drug war in Jamaica that killed dozens. It's because his name is Christopher "Dudus" Coke of the Shower Posse Gang. I just don't know if you can do better than that. First of all, where does one get the nickname "Dudus"? It's very all-encompassing. It's as if it is the original Greek root of "dude". Maybe it is. And then Coke. Coke! He's a drug dealer and his last name is... I'll stop. But really, that's amazing. Finally, I don't know how the Shower Posse Gang got its name, and frankly, I don't want to know. But if you could come up with another gang name that sounds simultaneously jovial and terrifying, I'd like to see you try.

Scotchy Scotch Scotch

2011-08-19T12:43:00.004-04:00

Hello all, I know it's been a while. I just knew if I didn't check in all three of you loyal readers may start to worry about me. I've been a bit busy this week, and tonight I fly off for Scotland! I'll be there for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and boy am I excited.

So in the meantime, I urge you to watch this video of Anderson Cooper giggling on live TV. Trust me, it's the most amazing thing you'll see in a long time.

Comment Of The Day

2011-08-15T14:30:00.002-04:00

Today's comment of the day is brought to you by this guy. This is his response to a post about Google becoming more harsh in their company policies, ie. no more free belly dancing lessons at lunch, and other fun perks:

First of all, he calls himself HungDaddy. And if I'm not mistaken, that's the Brawny Man in the photo. Moving on, he's admittedly "an old". I know what he's saying. He's simultaneously saying "I'm older" and "I don't proofread my comments". But there's no need to proofread his comments, because as we all soon learn, he only uses the internet anonymously to stalk people. Under an alias of a fictional character with the screen handle that insinuates he has a big cock. Awesome work, HungDaddy. I hope I never run into you in an empty Twitter feed.

Too Big To Fail

2011-08-12T09:47:00.007-04:00

A few years ago I paid off all of my debts and started saving money. I guess that makes me un-American. Ba-dum-bum! But seriously, folks, I'm starting to feel like a chump. I see people (and corporations) getting away with spending like children with Monopoly money and then just getting bailed out. Case in point - a woman who runs a preschool my friend's daughter attends is filing for bankruptcy for the school. Why? The woman, in her 30's, is a spoiled brat who just stole all the money and is now getting drunk in Barbados with her girlfriends, and is sending emails to the parents all like, "Whoopsie!" Meanwhile her father, who is loaded, is then bailing her out.

I'm telling girls in their 20's that this is the way to go: marry rich. Just do it. Sign a pre-nup with the clause "if he cheats" as the only loophole to get all the money. Then hire a private detective. DONE.

Yeah, yeah, you can talk all you want about morals and values, but if a sweet atheist like me who doesn't break any laws and is fiscally responsible keeps getting told by conservative bible thumpers that my lifestyle is ruining America, then call me what you want. It's too late for me to marry an old geezer with money - I'm happily in a relationship with a great man (cue violins and barf gestures) - but young 20 somethings, SAVE YOURSELVES.

Graffiti, Scotland, and Magics

2011-08-11T09:07:00.003-04:00

My neighborhood has a wonderful graffiti artist. When I say graffiti artist, I don't mean the kind that tags up their names or other various artsy depictions. I'm talking about commentary graffiti. The one in my subway station is usually pretty funny. This is what I saw today:

But on to bigger things. I'm going to Scotland in 2 weeks! I'll only be there for a short period of time, and I will be back for the birthday of a very important man who may or may not be getting the best birthday present ever (twiiiiins!), but it's going to be a blast. I'm getting a chance to see some old friends, and I'm super excited to re-visit the newly renovated Whisky Museum, which is aptly titled The Scotch Whisky Experience. When I went back in 1996, it was a very old and creaky Mr. Toad's Wild Ride kind of train, but instead of a train you rode in a large whisky barrel while dusty anamatronic "people" twisted back and forth in an oversized diorama showing how whisky and scotch are made. Honestly, I was just in it for the free tasting at the end. Now that I'm a more refined lady, I'm really excited to see what they've done with the place. Let's check out their new video, shall we?

Holy crap! That looks like what Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium would look like had I actually seen the movie! Magic indeed. Slainte!

What In The Propaganda Hell?

2011-08-10T09:09:00.010-04:00

This morning I saw this ad on the train:

You go with that badass programming, National Geographic Channel. From the network that brought us Dog Whisperer, Inmate Uprising and the ever-inspiring Paddle Fish Hatchery, I have to wonder where they're going with this, a week before the 10 year anniversary no less. The network whose tagline is: "Inspiring people to care about the planet since 1888" sure is making me want to change it to: "Giving Attention To People Who Decidedly Lack The Skills To Pay Attention, Since Sunday, August 28th, 2011 at 10pm".

So my question to you is this: What is George Bush thinking about in that photo?

Blueberry pancakes. I know this as fact. If anyone's got an "I have a hankering for blueberry pancakes" face, it's this guy, hands down.

But seriously folks, I get that the channel may want to do a "retrospective", however the wounds are still a bit fresh here. The thing that bothers me personally is when politicians use 9/11 for their own political advantage, and this happened a lot after the attacks. I don't know what President Bush is trying to achieve with this strangely timed interview, but I'm going to guess it's his last ditch attempt to make him look like he did something amazing when he acted like a leader for ten minutes that one time. To get an idea of how much we New Yorkers don't like getting our dick pulled on this difficult issue, check out this insightful article. It's very interesting, even though it took me a second to get over the fact that the reporter's name, Anemona Hartocollis, sounds like something Pfizer would make to treat iron deficiency. That being said, no, I won't be watching this interview. Sundays are my time to watch To Catch A Predator marathons on MSNBC thankyouverymuch.

What Are You Looking At?

2011-08-05T09:46:00.006-04:00

Last night we met an incredible actress who will be guest starring in our show on Monday. I say incredible because her life story is fascinating at the tender age of 20-something. She's worked in TV and film all of her life, so we started trading war stories of worst lines we ever had to say or strangest auditions, etc. My favorite line that the actress we met had to say in Law & Order was this: "I know he loved me, because he gave me this baby." That was pretty funny. Another girl in the group recounted the time she had to audition for Law & Order SVU to play a rape victim, and the scene where she had to pick the guy out of a lineup went like this:

Woman: Can he see me?

Officer: No, it's one way glass.

Woman: Are you sure?

Officer: Yes.

Woman: Because I really don't want him to see me pick him out.

Officer: He won't.

Woman: So... he won't see me?

Officer: No.

Woman: I'd really he rather not see me.

You get the idea.

I actually didn't pipe in with my Law & Order story - it was the time I was cast to give January Jones the side-eye for about 2 minutes. Really. I had to audition for that. If you see the whole thing it's funnier because it keeps cutting back to me looking all butch and pissed. I won't upload the whole thing to here because this short clip really says it all.

Me giving January Jones the shade:

Oh Really

2011-08-04T12:10:00.002-04:00

Jesus H. Christ.

Mike Huckabee, America's favorite funny portly politician who makes us all laugh even though his policies are super out there, made a little cartoon about 9/11. Yes, you read that right. I'm not quite sure what to think about this, and if I go on I will talk about how many politicians did, and continue, to use this horrific day to their own advantage. So I won't talk about that.

What I will talk about is the poor quality of the cartoon. Even those annoying Xtranormal bears that everyone and their grandmother was making look better than this piece of crap. It's as if it was made on a Donkey Kong Commodore 64 cartridge. If this is so, it would mean that Huckabee knew about the attacks before they even happened. Who's the terrorist now, huh?

Important News Of The World

2011-07-28T09:09:00.008-04:00

Because Jonah asked me to, and his foot's all swole, I will be blogging some more. I mean, my voracious fan base, all three of you, deserve it.

So, my friend Molly has pointed out on various occasions how much she hates the Huffington Post (otherwise known as HuffPo, which annoys her more). In fact, she and her brother play a game on their radio show, where they take headlines from both HuffPo and Us Weekly, and have people guess which headline is from which website. I love this game so much I started really paying attention to HuffPo headlines. Here's a few today that will make you want to give your life savings to pay for a NY Times subscription to save journalism:

Kim Kardashian Wears A Very Short Skirt

Got Votes?

The 324 Pound Beauty Pageant Winner

Jessica Alba Talks Pregnancy Sex

Praying Away the Pounds

7 Sites You Should Be Wasting Time On Right Now
Mom Mistakes Gun For Cigarette Lighter, Daughter Wounded
Wurst Crime Ever?: Woman Arrested In Sausage Throwing Incident

and finally...
Boehner To Republicans: 'Get Your A** In Line'

Class all the way.

Tempy Getting Deep

2011-07-27T10:56:00.006-04:00

Every week our show has a guest star, and I'm really freaking excited to meet and work with the one coming in this week (spoiler alert - I'm psyched to work with all of them). Her name is Aimee Mullins and she's a model/athlete/activist/actress who is a double leg amputee. You may recognize her from some of her print ads with her prosthetic racing legs, or in any other magazine as a model because she's really freaking hot. She's also funny. Here she is on the Colbert Report:

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Aimee Mullins

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

Video Archive

A lot of people ask me, "Hey, Tempy, why are you guys having guest stars on your show?" Well, the short answer is this: we found last season, by happy accident, that people really responded to us when we had guest stars. But the longer answer is a little more complex. You see, as we continue with this show, we're figuring out that we have created a forum for actresses where there are no types. No one can be too fat or too thin or too pregnant. Actresses are starting to come to us - actresses with a giant repertoire of work, who don't want to be typecast, and desire to try something new. Aimee told our casting director that she always gets cast as the victim of war, or a bomb, etc., and for once she wanted to get up on a stage, prosthetic legs and all, and not ever refer to the fact that she is a double amputee. And gosh darn it, our show is one of the few places where she can do that. So, that's what we're gonna do.

It's also becoming increasingly clear as to why it is that we, as regular cast members, do this show. Every audition many of us go on during the day are overwhelmingly for something silly, like a commercial for Fed Ex, or a play that totally sucks. Our show is the ideal situation for most actors - to be in a project that is well received, successful, and most of all, incredibly artistically rewarding. And when I heard that Aimee said that we're giving her an opportunity that hasn't existed for her for most of her life, well, that's really cool.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have an audition for an Audi commercial.

Just Say No To Stupid

2011-07-22T10:22:00.006-04:00

Guys, don't do cocaine. When I bartended, some of my customers used to partake in the drug - I actually never did cocaine myself, which makes me utterly uncool, but people on cocaine are so annoying that it makes it easy not to want to try it. A perfect example of said person is the lady in this story.

For those of you unfamiliar with this woman, her name is Courtney Stodden, and she's a professional ~~fame whore~~ singer, actress and pageant winner, all at the tender and innocent age of 45 16. There was a ~~small story in Huff Po~~ HUGE MEDIA ESCALANDO over the fact that she married 51 year old actor ~~Who Cares~~ Doug Hutchinson. So the two of them rode the magic publicity carpet (that they strung together with lies, low-end meth and remnants of Courtney's weave hair) and took off on an adventure in the press this week. That being said, if you have a moment, please take a look at this and remember kids, don't do drugs. And if you do, don't go in front of a camera. Here's a clip. If you want more (no judgments), watch the better one I can't embed that Gawker made here:

Speaking of drugs and bars, I was at a bar last night where my boyfriend's band was playing. As is quite often the case with me, I had to use the restroom at some point, and this is what was on the wall:

Tempy 3000

2011-07-11T09:20:00.004-04:00

Today is my 3,000th post. Yes, I know, I know - It's a big deal! I have to say, It was difficult deciding which cute cat or dog video to post for the big 3K but then I realized that I can do BOTH. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you an oldie but goldie, Ninja Cat. Followed my my late dog's version, Ninja Jesse.

Jenn Dodd is Funny

2011-07-07T09:22:00.006-04:00

I'd like to give a shout out to a funny lady by the name of Jenn Dodd. Jenn first came across my radar when she did a hilarious video depicting Anthony Weiner as a teenager.

Now Jenn has teamed up with Funny Not Slutty, and with her bang-on impersonation of easy-target Victoria Jackson, she created web videos in a series that imagines Victoria Jackson is running for President.

But here's the best part - Victoria Jackson found out about it and wrote a very personal response of her own. Before you read it, I just want to be sure everyone is aware of what is so funny, or not funny, about Victoria Jackson these days.

Since her reign on SNL she disappeared for a while, and then reappeared, how shall we say... nuttier than a batshit crazy rat rolling in the feces of Donald Trump's wig lice and Glenn Beck's chalk dust. She's nuts. I say this not because she's conservative. I know many conservative and republican people whose opinions I respect completely. But Victoria Jackson is, well, different. Here's some examples of a few of her latest quotes:

“I notice there are mostly white people here. I wonder why there aren't more Cubans, and Venezuelans, Koreans, Vietnamese, Russians, Egyptians, Africans, Pakistanis, Chinese and Colombians. Didn't they come here to escape dictatorships and corrupt governments? Why aren't they worried about this 'fundamental transformation' that is making our country look like the one they left? Maybe they don't speak English so they don't watch Glenn Beck.”

"This new al-Qaida magazine for women has beauty tips and suicide-bomber tips! Gimme a break! That is as ridiculous as two men kissing on the mouth! And I don't care what is politically correct. Everyone knows that two men on a wedding cake is a comedy skit, not an 'alternate lifestyle'! There I said it! Ridiculous!"

"I was wondering what real doctors think of ObamaCare, not the fake doctors Obama rigged for his photo shoot, but real ones. Now someone bring me more helium*!"

*she didn't say that last sentence but everything else is true

So when Victoria Jackson got wind that someone was doing an impersonation of her, she decided to respond. And respond she did. Now, Victoria Jackson recognizes that Jenn Dodd is one funny lady. She also admits that she will try to get her a job at SNL (?) so... that's great for Jenn. What is not great for Jenn, she warns, is:

"Jenn will have to give her check to Obama, and he will divide it up and give it to whomever he wants (like he's doing with Obamacare waivers and TARP funds). Because we are all 'equal,' Jenn Dodd will get maybe $1,000, and the drug addict next door who stares at his belly button all day will get $1,000, and the drama teacher who said she'd never make it will get $1,000, and a whole bunch of strangers will each get $1,000 of her check."

For the entire response, click here.

Congratulations to Jenn Dodd for making an important point through comedy, and quite possibly getting a job out of the process. And thanks to Victoria Jackson, who reminded me that... well... scarves will never go out of style. NEVER!

BADvertising

2011-07-06T10:06:00.006-04:00

Finally people are admitting tampon ads are dumb. I've never used Kotex, but now I think I might have to, because I'm such a slave to advertising.

This commercial is funny, except for the commentary about the blue liquid. I actually do bleed blue liquid, and I don't appreciate the joke. On second thought, screw Kotex - I'm staying with CVS brand Tampax knock offs. They're so baller they don't even have to advertise.

My Doppleganger

2011-07-05T15:47:00.002-04:00

It's official - I signed with an agent today. Like, a real live talent agent. I know she alive because I threw water on her and she didn't short out. I KID! I'm just really excited because they're super cool. It was, however, a little questionable when after I was introduced to everyone on the floor, as I stepped in the elevator I hear one woman say to my agent, "She looks like an actress I know. I swear, I've seen her before. Who does she look like?" To which my agent responded, "I'll TELL you who she looks like! She looks exactly like..." and that's when the elevator door closed.

So I'll have to defer to you guys. Who the heck do you think I look like?

Hello Everyone

2011-07-05T11:31:00.002-04:00

I'll tell you what, let me tell you something. I am the new poker champ of the every other month random poker game. I've never won a game before but this weekend I was on FIRE! I just kept getting dealt amazing hand after amazing hand. After being chastised by my boyfriend for being too transparent when I got good cards, (that and I would always rely on my iPhone to see hand orders), I worked on it and was convincing enough to fool everyone into GIVING ME THEIR MONEY! To say that my head is big about this would be an understatement. I AM A FUCKING GOD.

In other news, I think I managed to stay away from reading anything about the 2012 elections this whole weekend, which is probably also why I'm in a good mood. I can't quite tell who is worse for my mental health - Palin of Bachmann. But I will tell you what news item caught my eye that was pretty awesome from The Onion:

Lady Gaga Kidnaps Commissioner Gordon

Ladies Night

2011-07-01T10:23:00.004-04:00

This hangover isn't gonna un-hang itself!

Yes, it was ladies night last night, and you know what that means! I was home and in bed by 10:30 because I am old. Yes, I was the first one to leave, which I'd like to believe didn't coincide with me being the oldest, but it did. In fact, the two youngest in the group are still in bed with each other. And yet, I am a bit hungover. Again, because I am old. I can't wait for mozzarella stick time.

Not News

2011-06-29T09:37:00.002-04:00

Well, this is unfortunate. In today's Metro, there are two articles next to each other that people who aren't really paying attention, like me, may read as one. Let's put these two tragic stories together to make them even more tragic, shall we?

Brooklyn Man Killed Mom Sues When Tree Frat House Crushes Tent.

I know that title doesn't make a lot of sense, but in this day and age of the internets I've noticed that poor grammar has started to permeate into print journalism (although the NY Post never really had a chance), therefore, I didn't question it.

So now I'm imagining a woman that was killed by a Brooklyn man is suing because the local fraternity's tree house crushed the tent she was living in. Either way, this does not bode well for our economy when a woman lives in a tent, and a frat needs to be in a tree house.

Where's my coffee?

Ceiling Eyes Has Some Competition

2011-06-27T13:11:00.003-04:00

Well hello there young Americans! I'm back, refreshed after a day at the beach and ready to party. TEA PARTY THAT IS!!! No, not really. If I were a member of any non-traditional new political party it would definitely be the "Martini Party" but that's neither here nor there.

On that note, batshit crazy eyes Michele Bachmann is running for president, and I'm pretty sure the most excited person right now is SNL's Kristen Wiig, not that she needs any job security. Can you tell which is which?

Exactly. In other news, here's an actual quote from our future Republican presidential candidate (don't be surprised if she is):

"Normalization [of gayness] through desensitization. Very effective way to do this with a bunch of second graders is take a picture of 'The Lion King' for instance, and a teacher might say, 'Do you know that the music for this movie was written by a gay man?' The message is: 'I'm better at what I do, because I'm gay.'"

That is totally what the message of the Lion King is! This is why I, as a straight woman, don't write songs and marry gay men. This is exactly why!

In other other news, Palin was spotted drunk on Miller, kicking a moose and wailing in the back woods of Alaska today.

Milestones, Gay Marriage, And Gay Marriage Milestones

2011-06-24T09:21:00.006-04:00

Gosh you guys, it's been a while and I'm almost at my 3,000th post!

So, what shall I do for my 3,000th post? Is that even a lot of posts in this day and age? I know a girl who's been blogging for 10 years. Shoot, 10 years ago I didn't have a computer and still used my rotary phone to make reservations for a carrier pigeon to tell my friends I'd meet them at the nickelodeon to see a talkie. I mean THAT is old, people. I think I've even only tweeted 200 times, and that has all been show related or messages to my local congressperson. So I'm not quite sure this is an achievement.

But when I get to my 3,000th post, I'll do something fun. Just a little thing for the 3 of you who read this.

In other news, let's talk about gay marriage! I'd just like to quote something I read today in Metro, in reference to Kim Kardashian and Nick Lachey's weddings (not to each other - yet) getting televised, and Hugh Hefner:

"So here we have Hefner publicizing his failed attempt at wedding No. 3 to a woman sixty years younger than he is and two celebs (one of whom got famous for making a sex tape) trying to make a buck from their second marriages by planning huge, wasteful, over-the-top nuptials.

And here people complain about gay people trying to ruin the 'sanctity' of marriage ..."

Amen sister. Oy. I really hope NY lets gays marry. Not just because it's the right thing to do, but because apparently I'm on a lot of gay rights mailing lists I don't have the heart to unsubscribe from that are filling up my inbox.

Special Sheep

2011-06-14T09:23:00.004-04:00

Having recently gone through the whole breast cancer "better safe than sorry" freak out, I think I'd like to invest in a sheep. Not just because their wool is so functional, but apparently they can detect cancer.

Hear me out - I don't have a dog anymore so this may be the perfect solution. I'll let him graze outside in the back all he wants, and every three months he can do a body scan/bump.

This goes back to a story I read this morning: a woman's sheep totally freaked out one day and began chest bumping her. She knew this was unusual because he was normally very docile and neither of them were watching their favorite competitive sports team. So naturally she went to the doctor. I'll let you read the story but let's just say I'll be spending the rest of the day googling "miniature cancer detecting sheep". They're like miniature giraffes, but with less opulence.

Google Street Phew!

2011-06-06T14:00:00.002-04:00

I was walking down the street today when the GOOGLE STREET VIEW CAR was about to roll by! Oh my gosh, there are so many amazing things one can do. So, what should I have done? Show them my boobs? Flip the bird? Make a silly face? Pretend I was being muggged? As the van rolled closer and closer, all I could think to do was wave stupidly at the car. So in a few months, check out the northeast corner of 46th and 5th and you'll see me looking like a fucking idiot. But at least I'm wearing a pretty dress. It won't be as good as this, though:

Friday Friday

2011-06-03T09:50:00.002-04:00

It's a beautiful day to have someone else do my laundry! I'm having such an interesting week, I don't really know where to start. Oh, I have an idea - Tuesday, accidental drinks with Steve Buschemi's brother. He was introduced to me at a gathering that our show's manager throws every month and she's all, "Here's one of my clients, So-and-So" and I'm thinking, wow, if Steve Buschemi were older and had crazier hair he'd be... this guy standing in front of me. Turns out he lives near my neighborhood so we talked about Brooklyn and food and not his teeth. NOT HIS TEETH.

Wednesday I had a group session with a sexologist. Not like that, you pervs! She's going to be a guest on our show so we met with her, and we ended up having a fascinating conversation about sex and relationships. She's a very interesting person because she's from Iran and specializes in teaching women about their sexual pleasure. Surprisingly, she's not as welcome in Iran, but then again, her brand of teaching hasn't been welcomed in many places. I could have listened to her talk all day about her life, but we eventually started talking about the good stuff - I mean, she wrote a book called "Orgasm". (I know most of you thought I wrote that book!) It was fascinating to hear her thoughts about the mind-body connection, and what makes a good relationship. On of my friends/cast mates was open enough to talk about her last relationship where the sex was "mind-blowing" but the relationship was so co-dependent, suffocating and unhealthy that she spent half the time being euphoric and the other half utterly miserable. Her problem now is learning how to be in a functional relationship where she can take care of herself and be her own person, while still co-existing with another fully formed individual, and have great sex. And, I might add, she's doing very well with her new man. So that night was rather interesting. Then we braided each others hair and talked about Justin Bieber!

Yesterday I got to spend some quality time with my friend who was stuck in the hospital for yet another annoying complication with his health. He's doing so much better now and he looks great. I'd like to credit his speedy recovery to the US Weekly I bought him, but I'm pretty sure it was the team of doctors and antibiotics that did the trick. Luckily he goes home today.

So I hope everyone has a wonderful Friday. As for me, I'm ordering pizza. Because why the fuck not?

Vita Cocolicious

2011-06-02T16:35:00.011-04:00

This commercial for Vita Coco is confusing. It starts out with Rihanna shooting a man, and then follows her running around Barbados drinking Vita Coco, in front of signs for Vita Coco. In fact, she can't get enough of the delicious coconut milk, that she has a guy with a big machete open up a coconut for her and put a straw in it straight up. Meanwhile, she's singing some "I shot the Sherriff"-esque auto tuned mess about how she shot this dude. All while drinking her Vita Coco. And then it turns out the guy had raped her the night before, and she sings about how she doesn't want to go to jail, because they don't serve Vita Coco there. That is some crazy s@#t.

Yelp!

2011-06-01T11:32:00.002-04:00

A few weeks ago, the satire paper The Onion had an hilarious article about Planned Parenthood's new "Abortionplex". Naturally, some people didn't get the joke, but Yelp users are having a field day. Please do enjoy some of the comments.

Totally Get It Now

2011-05-31T14:27:00.002-04:00

"As a pet lover, I am outraged by this article about a dog being killed by a hunter."

"As an actor, I am appalled at how many untalented people there are on TV."

"As a woman, I think it's sexist to comment on another woman's boobs."

"As a Jehovah's Witness, I will not be celebrating my birthday."

"As someone who never promotes themselves, please check out this play I am in."

"As a human being, I breathe oxygen."

"~~As someone who loves shorter sentences~~ I think prefacing a thought isn't generally important in most cases."

So, I spend some time on the Facebook, social networking, etc. As such, I come across many people's public thoughts. This is what happens when you are on Facebook. So I can't complain when I see messages like the ones I see above. But I'm starting to get a little tired of when people justify themselves constantly. I mean, I get it. You have a belief or a thought. Is it because of your profession or religion? Maybe, but if I know you, I already know that about you. Even if I don't, I'm not going to question your opinion. "Whoa whoa whoa... what do you MEAN you don't like litterers? Oh, you should have said 'As an EARTH LOVER...' because I totally didn't get that! Man, do I need extra clues to understand the basis of your opinion."

And as a blogger, I like to write about how I feel.

Earth Girls Phone Home

2011-05-26T09:22:00.004-04:00

Okay guys, hold the phone. Or don't. Today on my way to work, I saw a woman with a huge red phone receiver attached to her cellphone. Even I had to stop and say, "Now, that's just ridiculous".

But now I'm thinking about it - I mean, it does keep down the levels of radiation on your head. It may be more functional than using a crappy iPhone (let's just be honest. I love my small-computer-that-sometimes-functions-as-a-phone but let's just call it what it is: an Angry Birds console). And there is something very classic about it. But if I'm going to go all the way, I'm going full Zack Morris:

Oi! Canada!

2011-05-24T10:23:00.002-04:00

Now this is new I could get behind. Last night, Canadian actress Estella Warren was charged with DUI, and while she was being booked in the police station she GOT OUT OF HER HANDCUFFS AND FLED. This is serious news, people. Canadians are shifty - I've always said that (I haven't).

I hope this doesn't start an international kerfuffle, but if it does, I know whose side I'm on. Don't be a traitor, eh.

Aw Jeez

2011-05-19T10:25:00.008-04:00

YOU GUYS, THE RAPTURE IS ALMOST HERE! No, actually, this is kind of sad to me. I'm not worried about floating up to heaven and hanging out with Pat Robertson and Sarah Palin; that, I'm excited about. What is sad to me is that, well, just in case it doesn't happen, a lot of people emptied their bank accounts and quit school/jobs because of this alleged event. This guy, for example, spent $140,000 of his life savings for subway and bus ads to warn people that the end is nigh. The kicker is, he doesn't even know if he'll be one of the lucky few saved. He actually just wants to warn us about it. I kind of feel like donating money to him. Then again, he'd probably just spend it on gambling and cocaine. Wouldn't you, if you woke up Sunday morning non-raptured? Shit, I may just do that anyway. Let's go to Vegas. Who's with me?

Today's Very Important Medical Pointers

2011-05-18T09:22:00.004-04:00

Well, this week has been more exciting than expected! A show I'm in opened on Monday and it was freaking fantastic, plus other acting jobs have been popping up here and there, which is good because I've got to save up some money for Summer, know what I'm saying? Homegirl's gotta WORK. But on the flip side I ended up in the ER this week (boo) and unrelated I have to get a biopsy today (boob). Both things aren't all that serious, but I was reminded, due to both events, that sometimes I shouldn't be a wise-ass. Let's just say that not all people in the medical field have a sense of humor. That being said, here's a few pointers on how to conduct yourself in a situation where it pays to be serious. I've also rated them on a very scientific scale from one star (it's okay to joke a little) to four stars (please stop talking).

When a 20 year old med student who looks like he's 15 asks you if you are having double vision, just answer the question. Don't say, "No, but your twin brother is ADORABLE!" (*** I'll be here all week)
When said med student asks you what medication you are on, and you respond with "birth control pills", and he innocently asks, "How often", just answer "Once a day", not, "Whenever I don't want to have a BABY!". (**1/2 Try the veal) (FYI I opted for "Once a day")
If you are getting a mammogram, it's best to keep the obvious jokes to a minimum. I'm pretty sure the mammo tech has heard the "panini press" reference more times than she can roll her eyes in a minute, which, by the way, is a lot. (** Take my wife... please!)
On the off-chance you find yourself topless, face-up on a table in front of an ultrasound technician who is preparing the machine, it's not recommended to throw your hands up over your head, stick your chest out and say slyly, "We're about to get real intimate, you and I..." It ~~may~~ will just freak her out. You aren't in a Will Ferrell movie. (**** Why did the chicken cross the road) (FYI I did do this. It wasn't funny. To her.)
Finally, remember to tip your surgeon. They're not supposed to take tips, but they do!

Movie Time

2011-05-17T11:56:00.001-04:00

Okay, I have seen a lot of great marriage proposals, but this one really takes the wedding cake. I mean... I'll just let you watch for yourselves:

Trump Card

2011-05-16T13:33:00.011-04:00

Today Donald Trump announced that he would not indeed be running for president. This is a very sad day for the 8% of people who would have thought him fit to lead the country. Luckily for them, the rapture is happening next week, so it doesn't really matter. Here is the full transcript of Trump's speech:

"After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the Presidency. Today I'm very proud of myself ... Because I've accomplished something that no one else has been able to accomplish. I was just informed, while on the helicopter, that I am not running for president. I want to look at this, but I hope it's true, so that we can get onto much more important matters so the press can stop asking me questions. I should have not run a long time ago. Why I didn't do it when the Clinton's asked for it, why I didn't do it when everyone else was asking for it, I dunno. But, I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully, HOPEFULLY getting rid of this issue. Now, we have to think about it, we have to say, 'Is this real? Is it proper? What's on my head?' And I hope it checks beautifully. I am really proud. I am really honored. Now we can talk about what a giant douche I am, and China."

Site Down

2011-05-13T13:33:00.006-04:00

Well that was weird - Blogger, the wonderful service that hosts my ramblings for free, decided to delete my last post and a whole bunch of other people's posts from yesterday because of some kind of failed maintenance. I re-posted it for all 3 of you who read this blog. But really, Blogger? I expect more from a highly functional 99.9% accurate free service with a simple user-friendly structure. What do I pay you for? Those $0's don't come cheap.

Feral Patients

2011-05-13T13:28:00.002-04:00

I was at the doctor way early this morning to avenge the doings of the Tit Waffle Machine (spoiler alert: the Tit Waffle Machine won), and I was in the waiting room with about 5 other people. It was 7:45, the office was on the Upper East Side, and it seemed everyone had a case of the cranks. So this woman walks up to the receptionist and hands her the prescription, and the receptionist asks her to take a seat. Well, apparently this woman has never been to a doctor's office before, because she informed the receptionist that SHE has an appointment. The receptionist gave her a sharp, "Everyone here has an appointment." At this point the collective energy of the other people waiting converged into one big massive hate on this woman. We had a reason to bond. So the 45 year old Doctor's Office Virgin then says, "But my appointment is for now." Oh DAMN! Yes, we were ready for an all-out rumble. I, the other woman my age, the 80 year old, the 20-something hispter boy with unfortunately large hips and the middle aged Indian man were about to POUNCE. Luckily we all know that most receptionists in the medical field have passive aggressive bitch blood rushing through their veins (also found in flight attendants who man the desks at airport gates), and she put that woman down with another, "Have a seat." The woman sat. We all eased into our chairs, and went back to resenting each others' presences for no logical reason.

Um Ok

2011-05-10T10:41:00.005-04:00

It's been a very busy weekend over here at TempyCo, what with partying like a rockstar and getting ready for a show to open. But as some of you know, my other job during the day is in the personal assistant territory, and as such I get sent on interesting errands (ie. the time I had to pick up my boss's sister's Oscar award, investigate a puppy's lineage, order an out of stock American Girl doll from Ebay, etc). Today was a simple one: find and purchase dry shampoo.

I don't know about you, but I think they named this stuff after the sound it makes when you use it:

What's even funnier is that this is the exact brand my boss wanted but couldn't remember the name of, so the mission was successful. Here's how our conversation went.

Me: Uh... (pulling it out of my bag)

Her: Oh! PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST! That's the stuff.

Me: That's amazing.

Her: Doesn't it sound like the name of a feminine product?

Me: They should make SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Tampons.

Hey-OH!!! In other news, anyone want to come over here and give me a body rub? Not that kind, you pervs. I feel like every muscle in my body is telling me to slow down but my mind has other ideas.

Breast Day

2011-05-05T11:29:00.002-04:00

Guess who had their first ever mammogram yesterday? This gal. And may I say it was ~~horrible~~ delightful. Who doesn't love tit waffles? I do, I'll tell you what. Nothing serious, it's just something my insurance covers as a preventative thing. What a crazy concept, right? I also had a sonogram just because. Why not? God bless ~~top tier insurance my day job pays a ridiculous amount for so I get the best treatment that other people have to wait months for~~ universal health care. What a country!

In other news, I spent all morning looking at houses to rent in Edinburgh. Why's that, you ask? Well, it looks like a show I'm in will have the honor of performing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival! I'm so excited I could flatten my breasts in a vice. Oh, wait, I already did that. Anyway, yeah, I'm pretty excited. I also realized by doing this search that real estate anywhere but New York offers backyard space and walk in closets for dirt cheap.

Man Baby

2011-05-04T12:18:00.004-04:00

I would just like to say that I respect sexual fetishes, and I understand that everyone has their own thing. But I can't really get this desire to be an adult baby, when it's NOT sexual. Hear me out - there's this guy who likes to be an adult baby. Ok, fine. He's found someone who wants to act like his mom. To each their own; I know tons of people in co-dependent relationships. But for him it's not sexual, it's a mode of comfort. Ok, I'm still with them. In the Adult Baby's own words, it's a way to "blow off some steam" after a "tough day's work". But here's where I'm lost - he doesn't even work. He just likes to drink from a bottle all day and play with toys. So really, the only difference between he and the Man Children I have talked about in the past, is that he's honest about wanting to be taken care of. Actually, I'm gonna go ahead and say more power to him.

Warning: only watch the video if you'd like your jaw to get a little loose and possibly open for at least an hour.

Buy Brooklyn!

2011-05-02T11:50:00.010-04:00

What an exciting weekend! My friend's store, By Brooklyn, opened and it was a huge success! What was even more successful was my purchase of this amazing bag at her store. Oh, and it wouldn't be fair if I didn't mention her special helper.

As I've said in previous posts, my friend Gaia is one of those people that says they're going to do something, and then does it. Not everyone can say that. Her store is a celebration of people in our community who make things - beautiful things.

If you live in the BK, please go to her store! If you don't, all her amazingness will be available online starting in September.

In other news, did you hear that President Obama announced President Obama is dead? Zombiebama.

I Don't Need A Certificate To Know You're An Asshole

2011-04-27T14:52:00.006-04:00

I don't even know what to say about what happened today, but it's not funny. I've been making light of it in that awkward, "Ha, ha... how about those racists, eh?" but really, it's sad and infuriating. I'm talking about Donald Trump and the birthers, and our esteemed President taking time out of his busy schedule to assuage the people who don't like him and are just trying to find more reasons not to like him.

It didn't really hit me until I saw Trump, a grown male, say to the media how proud of himself he was, but he couldn't get too happy because he needed to look it over himself. I'm sorry, excuse me? Do you know who you're talking to? Since when are you the President of Shitfuckery? Oh, that's right, since forever.

A citizen with an inflated ego is talking about our President as if he's a child that has just handed in a homework assignment. "Oh, I'm glad it's done, but I'll have to look over it myself". No. No, actually you don't. Trump needs to sit in the corner for a big "Time Out" and let the adults get back to work.

I can't really express it as well as this guy did. Please have a look at what he wrote, and his accompanying video.

Some Observations

2011-04-26T11:23:00.005-04:00

The topic of the "Man Child" came up at rehearsal last night, and its popularity in films. For example, look at Seth Rogen's character in Knocked Up - everyone loves the Man Child, pities him, laughs with him. Why are those dumb girlfriends asking them to get a job, right? Seth Rogen's character is working on a website, dammnit, and when it hits he'll have money! But in the interim he smokes pot, watches TV and plays video games with his other Man Child slacker friends. And you know he's never going to make that website. Along comes a woman who forces him to have some responsibility, hilarity ensues and then... wait for it... he changes! He gets a JOB! And we're supposed to be really proud of him.

As you can tell, it just so happens I wasn't the biggest fan of the movie Knocked Up, but I do like most Judd Apatow films and the "bromance" and "rom-com" genre. Forgetting Sarah Marshall, too, had the Man Child, and it was hilarious. So I'm not hating on the model - it works and it's often funny. It also gets flipped around where the responsible male friend has the Man Child friend, as in I Love You, Man (Child), or the woman is the irresponsible one (Along Came Polly).

Where it gets weird is when it translates into real life. One of the younger cast members was lamenting about how laziness is often celebrated amongst some of her male friends, and seeing said friends at 25 with the beginnings of a beer belly who can't afford to go out to a nice dinner with a girl is actually sad, not funny. I had to remind her that in reality, there are men who don't need to do the "shape up or ship out" thing. There have, are, and will always be responsible/kind/employed men in New York. She just doesn't hear about them as often because her profession (stand-up comedy) innately leads her to bars where the Man Children tend to hang out the most. (That is not to say that Man Men don't go to bars - they do, they just don't live there). So it was an interesting conversation about our different places in life, and comedy, and her friends.

In conclusion, maybe it's just Seth Rogen I don't like. Because every other comedy in that genre I'm a big fan of. Unless it's real and on your couch. Godspeed, my 25 year old friend. I'd also like to congratulate myself on the phrase "Man Men"; it's hot for so many reasons.

When Tabloids Aren't Bad

2011-04-25T11:32:00.007-04:00

Yes. Yes, this is happening. Did I mention that's my boyfriend in the article? This will be one of the few times that seeing someone you're dating in the NY Post as a good thing. For those of you unfamiliar with the NY Post, it's a tabloidy paper that likes to highlight political scandals, domestic abuse and knife fights on the street. So you can understand why NOT being in it might be a good thing. But this is awesome. It'd be better if they added a photo, but they couldn't find his mugshot.

Time On Her Hands

2011-04-21T09:49:00.002-04:00

There's so many awesome things about the below video I can't even say. I'll let you be the judge. Honestly, my favorite part is when her boyfriend makes it very clear he could use a "dislike button" when it comes to this foolery. Too bad for you, champ. Your girlfriend is a rockstar.

Speaking of creativity and judges, I will be on the judging panel of the hat contest at the upcoming social event of the season, the Kentucky Derby Party. As someone who's won more than a few times in the Non-Traditional hat contest, it's only fair that I take a step out one year and give someone else a chance. That does not mean that my hat still will not be awesome, just not contest worthy. In this particular instance, I am not modest - my hats have been incredible.

That being said, I feel that deep down this woman and I were separated at birth.

Wild Animal

2011-04-19T09:36:00.007-04:00

Yesterday as I was walking to rehearsal I noticed that a bunch of tourists AND NON-TOURISTS huddled over the railing at the south end of Central Park as if it were a freaking zoo exhibit. Turns out, a raccoon, yes, a plain old raccoon was meandering around.

For those of you who don't know, as my friend aptly put it, "Raccoons are assholes." I once encountered one at 4am when I was getting back from a bar shift back in the day. It was going through my neighbor's trash and looked at me with such a death stare that reminded me of those rare times when you run into the wrong kind of crack-head. It was also freaking huge. So, yeah, they don't mess around. And in NY, some of them are rabid. As they are also nocturnal, it is rare to find one with the balls to put on a show in Central Park during the day, which made me think the b@#ch wasn't right in the head (see: wrong crack-head reference). I'll admit it, I was certainly one of those people that took a pic and video. Maybe I was kind of hoping it would secretly bug out and jump on a tourist. Which leads me to the POLL OF THE DAY! Please watch the video below, and let me know your thoughts on this.

Pocket Poem

2011-04-14T15:45:00.005-04:00

Hello! I was away for a while - I was rocking out in Miami. Actually, I did the exact opposite of rock out. We just laid around by a gorgeous pool for 5 days straight and I think I ate and drank enough for the rest of the year. I also read 1 1/2 books and got a lot of gossip magazine time in.

SPEAKING of literature, today is national Poem In Your Pocket day! This is a day when you can write a poem, or just borrow one from one of your favorite authors, and keep it in your pocket to share with friends!!! It's just as fun as it sounds!

Is that a poem in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Here's mine:

Hello friend

I just saw you and

Decided I wanted to

My poem with you.

It's in my

Pocket.

Give me one second.

Hm.

Where is

It?

I could have

Sworn

I put it here somewhere.

Well, this is

Embarrassing

I mean, here

Am, telling you I have

A Poem in my

Back

Pocket, and now I'm just shuffling

Around feeling

My own butt.

Wait.

Oh, that explains

It.

I'm wearing jeggings.

The "pocket"

Is decorative and

Does not really hold

Anything.

Sorry about that.

So,

Yeah.

Anyway.

Ok, bye.

Casting Notice Of The Day

2011-04-04T14:32:00.005-04:00

I browse the casting notices often, and this one stood out to me:

BOYS AND GIRLS

15-20, all ethnicities. Must be able to play basketball WELL, and be good actors. In the spot, kids are playing basketball. When one of the kids makes a mistake, another one says 'That move was gay.' The spot features 3 NBA basketball players who then tell camera that using gay to mean dumb or stupid is not cool.

First of all, I don't think of a 15-20 year old as a boy or girl, but that's not a big deal. And I get the message they're trying to get out to the kids. It'd be a stronger message if homosexuals weren't treated like second class citizens by our own government, but we can't have it all, right? I guess what I'm concerned about is that PSA's never really get taken very seriously. Look at this one, for example. It also explains why my dog died.

Ridiculous Research Done Here

2011-03-31T10:00:00.002-04:00

By now most of you have seen this video of these women fighting on the subway because one of them was eating spaghetti. It's been called the "Subway Spaghetti Fight" on more than one blog, and even the title of the video has the word "spaghetti" in it. But what's shocking about all of this to any self respecting New Yorker is not that the fight occurred, or the racial comments, or the eating on the subway part. It's that anyone who lives here knows that there are very few places to get spaghetti to go in a Styrofoam container. Seriously, I couldn't fully watch the video without thinking, "But... where did she get that spaghetti?"

But you know what you CAN get anywhere in New York City to go? Chinese food. So upon further inspection and one very helpful youtube comment, I realized that it is indeed lo mein. LO MEIN IS THE REAL CULPRIT! And I don't know what's worse - that this fight happened, or that the spaghetti part perplexed me so much.

2Getha 4Eva

2011-03-29T09:02:00.009-04:00

In this article I read on the train this morning, the reporter "interviewed" today's Ken doll. In case you missed it, a few years back, Ken and Barbie split up - it was such hard hitting news, even FOX covered it. Now they're back together!

These are excerpts from the actual interview.

Ken's Tips on How To Get Your Doll

Shower her with compliments
I know my doll always dresses like she’s ready to strut down a runway, so why does she need me to tell her she looks good? Seriously, she needs to hear it, and she needs to hear it often. Compliment her hair, her shoes — even her handbag.

Clean up your man-cave
Dude, you have to get your bachelor pad in order. Give her the impression that you don’t need a doll to take care of you (even if you do). Transform your man-cave into a love lounge.

Make a grand gesture
You have to pony up some hard-earned play money to impress your doll. When it comes to my doll, I know I have to think outside the toy box. I’m not saying light up Times Square, but you get the idea.

Dress for success
As you know, my doll is into fashion — shocker! I can’t show up to a premiere or fashion show looking like I’m ready for a pick-up game at the gym. Man up, guys, it’s time to check it or chuck it. If it has holes, is from another decade or she just plain hates it, chuck it. You don’t want your doll to cringe when your mug shows up on Facebook.

I'd like to point out that while this is very sweet, it is also coming from the great (and also real) Earring Magic Ken Doll, Mattell's fastest selling Ken Doll to date. I wonder why.

How To Succeed In Business While Trying

2011-03-24T09:25:00.007-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about a friend of mine lately. I won't be naming or linking anything here that has anything to do with her because she's opening a new business, just in case a Google search will bring her up in correlation to my imaginings about Sarah Palin or videos of cats. But for those of you who know me, you'll know who I am talking about.

I've known this woman for almost 10 years. She's amazing - was always one of the coolest customers I had at my bar, and someone who I would hang out with outside of work. She had a nice, well paying job, and was able to buy her own apartment and on more than one occasion took me to the theater. I'm talking Broadway shows, people. For rizzle.

A few years ago she realized she wasn't happy and decided to completely change her life around. She didn't quite know what she wanted, but she did know what she didn't want. Now, two years later, she has quit the job, gone back to school, graduated, and is opening the most amazing business. I have no doubt that it will be a huge success, and it will all be because of the tireless energy, commitment and love of what she's doing. If that's not inspiring, I don't know what is.

Another friend and I (I can link to that) were talking about her last night because he'll be working with her, and we were discussing how proud we are of her. I am inspired by people all the time - political figures, artists, people in the news. But it's an amazing feeling when you realize that someone you look up to so much is also someone sitting right next to you (she's not actually sitting right next to me - that'd be weird because I'm at my day job). But, you know what I mean.

On more than one occasion she's said to me, "You know what's cool about you? You're an actress who actually acts. You don't just talk about it." I can say the same about her. (Minus the "actress" part, unless she wanted to be an actress, in which case I have no doubt she would be hugely successful because she's super dedicated. You know what I mean.)

Great Show

2011-03-23T10:40:00.019-04:00

I saw an amazing show last night - comedian Mike Birbiglia's one man piece, "My Girlfriend's Boyfriend". I highly recommend it. It's a perfect little performance. The thing about Mike Birbiglia is that he has the amazing ability to tell personal stories that make you cringe and laugh and cry all at the same time. As someone who recently did a one-person show where I shared personal stories, I will tell you right now, it is terrifying, even when it goes well. It kind of feels like if you are actually naked in front of an audience, and even if the audience likes your body, doesn't matter - you're still naked. Let's just say I could never be a stripper.

No, actually, I probably could. Because the difference is when you tell personal stories to strangers you're stripping emotionally, whereas I can easily take my clothes off anywhere if the right Missy Elliot song is on and I don't have to talk about my childhood. Anyway, I still have a lot to learn about performing solo, and Mike Birbiglia makes it look so easy. This is because he has been working at his craft for so long, and it shows. Birbiglia created a genuinely entertaining seamless story. So, yeah. See the show.

And in other comedy news, I will be seeing the amazing comedian Jordan Carlos (clip below) perform tonight. He's great, and the line-up of the whole show is awesome. So if you're free and not afraid of the snow, you should go.

Glee, Gays and God

2011-03-22T11:59:00.009-04:00

Never-Funny-Comedienne/Tea-Party-Activist/I'm-Guessing-Valium-Fan Victoria Jackson brought her special brand of crazy to some entertainment show that doesn't interview people with valid, educated points. And she talked about a gay kiss on a show I don't watch, Glee. Naturally they asked her opinion, since she is the President of Batshitville. Her response to whether or not she was homophobic was, "It's not what I think. It's what the bible says."

I'd like to draw your attention to the scarf on her head, most likely purchased from the exquisite Claire's at the Galleria, and guess either that or some piece of clothing she has worn in recent years was most likely mixed with linen and wool, which is wrong in the eyes of God too, according to Leviticus. So really, if the bible's totally right about everything, let's all have sex with our daughters.

Anyway, here's the clip if you want to watch. All I can think when I hear her speak is every unfunny character she ever played, but seriously folks. Apparently liberals are also supposed to hate Muslims because Muslims kill gays, but liberals love Muslims and that's makes them hypocritical because... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Some Observations

2011-03-21T09:34:00.003-04:00

The pity party is officially over, and now I'd like to look at a few of the positive things that can result from losing a pet.

1. I have an extra 20 minutes in the morning. I loved every walk Jesse and I ever went on, and as a morning person I never had any problems getting up bright and early, but it's nice to know that if I want, I can "sleep in". That of course didn't stop me from walking around the block this morning anyway, stopping at every tree and sniffing out trash.

2. Plants and cards. Who doesn't love plants and cards? My upstairs neighbor's boyfriend is an old-school graffiti artist, and they bought me a potted plant and he totally tricked out the pot with graffiti letters that spell my dog's name. Also, the cards. They really do make a card for everything. Unfortunately, they also only make a limited number of "dead dog" cards, and most of my friends apparently shop in the same area, because out of the 5 cards I got, two of them were exactly the same, two were slightly different cards but both clearly from a company called "Passages" that uses the same font and artist, and then I got a card from some friends who didn't get the "dead dog card" memo because they sent me a full on "dead person" condolence card. I think it's because they live in Williamsburg, and that's the one trend the fauxhemians have not yet picked up on. But yeah, it was nice to get so many cards.

3. Crippling depression-induced weight loss. Hear me out - since this started, I've had almost no appetite. I won't eat for a long time, then get crazy ravenous and eat a little, and then I'll go another day without eating. I know that I will soon get to the point where I will be able to begin eating regularly again because I just love food too much. But as far as the depression/loss of appetite goes, I'm going to ride this one out. Bathing suit season is coming up, ladies!

4. Not having to go home is a big one. Luckily I've gotten surprisingly busy over the last week. I just joined the cast of a show as an understudy and I went on for the first time this weekend. This still would have been possible had my dog been around, but I wouldn't have been able to meet up with friends afterwards yesterday, because I would have felt bad for leaving him for so long. So my social life has had a tiny boost, although I never really was a big party animal to begin with. But I have a lot of great friends who are always doing fun stuff, so it's nice to know I can, on a whim, meet up with people.

5. Less fur. I'm just gonna say it. My apartment has way less fur.

I think that's about it. Oh, this is totally unrelated but I'm seeing Mike Birbiglia tomorrow and I'm really freaking excited. Enjoy some of his work, won't you?

Non-Random Acts Of Kindness

2011-03-17T12:45:00.003-04:00

So many people have come forward to offer me support with the passing of my dog, it's overwhelming. I mean, I know it's not the worst tragedy in the world, and a lot of people go through similar situations, but these emails help me remember how lucky I am, and the last thing I feel right now is alone. And then my wonderful friend Jonah had to go and make me cry again with this beautiful posting. He also sent me this which I highly recommend if you have a minute. Going back to the condolence emails, there were quite a few that stood out. Here are some of them, because they really express the, shall I say, "character" of my dog, and the unique sense of humor among my friends.

"So sorry to hear about Jesse's passing. Let me know if there is anything we can do. We're happy to send [our son] to you for a few hours and let him nip at your heels, pee on your rug, and chase thrown balls."

"I am so sorry to hear that. I have many fond memories of Jesse. Like the time I crashed at your house and he pooped on the floor."

"Sorry to hear about Jesse. I enjoyed being around him and remembering the bee-line he made for [our cat's] food bowl the one time he came in the apartment will always make me laugh. So will the memory of him going ballistic when I came through your door with a package of supposedly vacuum-sealed salmon dog treats."

"I am SO sorry to hear about Jesse. He was such a sweet dog, he'll be missed! How are you holding up? Let me know if there's anything I can do, sing you sad songs, buy you drinks, wax nostalgic about the time Jesse and I were on P. Diddy's yacht in the south of France and Kate Moss was there with a Saudi prince and then Jesse peed in the champagne but no one noticed.... That was a good vacay!"

I promise to stop talking about my dog soon and get back to very important Charlie Sheen news.

My Jesse

2011-03-15T12:50:00.006-04:00

Last night I had to put my sweet friend Jesse to sleep. For those of you who don't know, Jesse is my dog. He's made many, many, many, appearances here on this blog, and he was just shy of 13 years.

The story of Jesse is a tale (I spared you from writing "tail") like any other. I wanted a dog my entire life, and right when I got out of college and moved into my first ever big girl apartment, I went to the North Shore Animal League "just to look". I planned on getting an adult dog, walked around, assessed my options, then went to leave. When you walk out, they make you go through the puppy room. Yes, there's a room full of puppies. Yes, I only thought they existed in my dreams. It's kind of like being a single gal leaving a bar full of perfectly nice young men, when a bus full of Brazilian soccer players pulls up. It's just not fair. So, I looked around.

I was just about to leave when I saw him. A little puppy hound mix with the sweetest face and the hugest paws I've ever seen. Apparently someone had tried to adopt him but that person's references didn't check out, so they were bringing him back in the room. Our eyes locked. I thought, "F@#k, I'm going home with a dog today."

We had our share of adventures. In his "wily" days he liked to eat my friend's underwear, panty hose and expensive moccasins. And that was in just one afternoon (hi, Sharda). He loved to eat. A lot. My friend Ed was watching him one time and Ed decided it would be a perfectly good idea to make a burrito and leave it alone on the counter for one second. Silly Ed. When he came back in the room, my dog was up on his hind legs, licking the cheese off of the burrito. Wouldn't you? We've gotten hours of entertainment from that one, "Hey, I guess my DOG likes to lick CHEESE off of your BURRITO. GET IT? It's a EUPHEMISM and it's DIRTY."

Another time Jesse ate an entire stick of butter. And a bag of chocolate covered pretzels. And a bag of whole wheat bread. And that was in just one afternoon (kidding).

As the years went by, he got a little mellower, but was still spry nonetheless. He's survived two dog attacks, numerous trips to the vet for eating all the wrong things, and a tooth abscess. He's been to Connecticut, The Adirondacks, Vermont and even Manhattan. He was amazing with children and kept me company many, many a night. He had a really good heart and always knew when someone needed a snuggle. On the night of 9/11 we were at our local dog-friendly bar, in shock, watching the news huddled along with our neighbors. At one point I realized Jesse was missing - he liked to wander around behind the bar, like his mom. I looked down and saw that a random stranger was clutching him and crying, and he was sitting sweetly with her, rubbing his face in hers. They were like that for almost 20 minutes, it was beautiful. I can't say he's a faith healer or anything (that's for other people to say) but I know he helped that woman that night. And really, that's what having a pet is all about - companionship. And adventures. And learning that you have an incredible tolerance for picking up feces on an average of three times a day. That's love.

My friend Sonya's favorite story about Jesse happened when she was watching him one time. They were on a walk, and Jesse spotted a slice of pizza on the ground. It was covered in ants, but that didn't stop Jesse from swooping in. The way Sonya tells it, although by this point in the story she's breathless from laughing so hard, Jesse was both vigorously eating the pizza as fast as he could while simultaneously trying to rub ants off his face.

Jesse was recently diagnosed with Laryngeal Paralysis, which basically means he had a lot of trouble breathing and could technically die from choking to death. His arthritis was also getting worse, and a few days ago he tore his ACL from said arthritis and quickly lost his ability to walk. I knew it was time.

On one of his last walks, he was hobbling down the street when he saw a piece of pizza on the ground. At this point, I couldn't deny him his favorite thing so I didn't even try to pull back on the leash. But out of habit, he lunged towards it, and, in doing so, fell off the curb and into the street. But that didn't phase him. Splayed on the ground, pizza crust in his mouth, he ate that thing like a honey badger devouring a live snake. You may call that dumb, I call that dedication. I always joked that Jesse would steal food from the ground (or a counter top) until his dying day. And he did.

Jesse James "Bones", 1998-2011

The Kiernan

2011-03-09T09:23:00.004-05:00

If you don't all know, I really like NY1's Pat Kiernan. Not in a super creepy way - I just think he is an excellent news anchor, I have a thing for Canadians, and he has a fun sense of humor. Take this blog post for example. In rehearsals, (they rehearse the news? Pat always makes it look so fresh!), he was supposed to say snagged, but instead said shagged. How cute! Then he took video of it. Now, what kind of responsible blogger would I be if I didn't share it with you nice people:

Staying Classy

2011-03-07T09:17:00.003-05:00

I take a few days off of work and the first thing that happens this morning is I get a nasty paper cut! No this thing is really impressive. I'm not even mad, I just want to know how I did it. And we're out of band aids here, so I broke out the first aid kit and tried to cut up a small piece of gauze, then I started bleeding all over the gauze roll and a co-worker found me in the kitchen, rapidly unrolling the bled-on gauze over the first aid kit. I think she almost fainted. That would have been amazing; the paper cut that causes someone to keel over and get a concussion. Luckily that didn't happen. We're both fine. Now.

Sorry Mel Gibson

2011-03-02T12:46:00.002-05:00

I am having a phenomenal birthday so I've just been too busy to keep up with the latest news. Oh, well except for how the pope exonerated the Jews for killing Jesus. Yes. Yes, the Pope is finally getting around to the "To Do" list that was left on the steps of the Vatican thousands of years ago. Among those things on the list was also:

1. Clarify the whole "don't wear cloth made out of a mix of wool and linen" rule.

2. Stoning. It's kind of dumb.

3. Remember to talk to the priests about those little boys.

4. Buy milk!

5. Maybe cursing is okay if thou has stubbeth thy foot on a nightstand.

6. Do we really want to start a holy war? Note- get back to this L8R.

7. Remember to tell people that Jesus's last words were, "For the love of my father, homosexuality is totally acceptable and women should be treated with respect. Don't go changing my words around to make me look like an asshole."

8. Feed the camels (I really hope this got tended to).

9. Look into where this rule originated: "A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the Lord." Um, okay.

10. Rest.

It's Warm

2011-03-01T15:20:00.003-05:00

While Charlie Sheen is bringing the crazy, New York is bringing in the warm weather, all in time for my birthday. My birthday is tomorrow, mind you, but I've been celebrating for days. And while I'm feeling supremely happy and overall blessed with the best people in my life, blah blah, I can't help but think about how deep down, I really am jealous of Charlie Sheen and his winning.

Now if you haven't heard, that's his new big catchphrase, "winning", next to "duh" and "boom" among others. But let's think about it for a second - he has millions of dollars. Win. Huge house. Win. A substance control problem and a lack of responsibility for harmful actions. Win-win. What more can a person want? So on my birthday, I will learn to accept the reality of the biggest gift of all. Losing. That is to say, not being Charlie Sheen. I'll just have to get used to it.

Now in the meantime, let's get back to that forecast.

And Now

2011-02-28T09:23:00.005-05:00

QOTD:

"Did you turn to alcohol and drugs because you were bored?"

"No, I did that because they work."

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Shhhhh Secret

2011-02-24T16:18:00.009-05:00

I just got this in my inbox:

7. Differentiation Tactics That Make All Of Your Competition Minor League And YOU The Only And Obvious Choice. How to identify an agents and casting director's biggest problem and concerns... and how you can give a solution and exceed his expectations.

6. Foolproof tips on Grabbing Industry Professional's Full Attention, without which no one will read your copy. Your prospects are busy, distracted people. Get their attention in 7 seconds or less – or they are gone. You will learn exactly how to literally FORCE them to read your every word...

5. Discover jaw-dropping techniques to build immediate credibility and rapport so that agents, casting directors, managers, producers and other industry professionals will believe in you from the first few seconds - it's nothing short of transformational!

4. I will expose the power and precise design of the perfect business card. A card that clearly motivates an agent, casting director or any industry prosfessional to want to know more about what it is you can do for them

3. The Ultimate Secret to a "Killer" headshot that to my knowledge has NEVER been revealed to a live audience before... a true world first! Discover the mistakes most actors make that are literally costing them thousands of dollars

2. How to create websites so that YOUR success is virtually guaranteed enabling you to have the unfair advantage over your competitors

1. A whole new approach to finilazing your cover letters that assures they attract so much attention the reader is practically compelled to call you

I look forward to seeing you at 'Acting Is A Business - Training Event'. I'm sure it will be the most enlightening and profitable event you have ever attended.

First of all, I don't trust that his secret is that awesome. And if he holds the key to some "never revealed" information about headshots and won't just tell us, then he's just a dick.

As an actor, I attend seminars, networking sessions and classes. Much like being a dentist, you have to constantly keep up with new things in the industry to be good at your craft. I am friends with a casting director who runs these, and most of these people aren't scam artists- they're just looking to help new talent, and invariably will bring you in to audition for stuff they are working on. As much as I make fun of actors, the majority I know are genuinely hard working and talented.

But then I see an email like this. From a man who purports himself to be the expert at "jaw dropping techniques" and "exposing a power". Sounds to me like he is more skilled at going through a thesaurus than at helping actors.

Now, I agree that acting is a business mastery. I hear a lot of people say they want to be actors because they were in a friend's thing once, and they thought it was fun. Well, it is fun. It's actually a stupid amount of fun (that's the secret). But the hard work it takes to get there gets minimized by scam artists like this who claim to have the one secret to the business. You know what the secret is? Hard work, passion and patience. It helps to sleep with the director, but that can be a personal preference.

The seminar is in 2 days so I wonder if he's desperate for people to sign up. Because I'll tell you, if this man is such a magician at getting people to notice people, maybe he wouldn't have a hard time filling up his own class. But the power and precise design on the opening graphics are exemplary.

Tubby Alert

2011-02-22T11:10:00.005-05:00

In today's batshit crazy news, Rush Limbaugh calls Michelle Obama fat. Well, he doesn't so much say it as imply it. I'll spare you the pot kettle glass house talk and just get straight to the point - this is a direct quote:

"The problem is—and dare I say this—it doesn't look like Michelle Obama follows her own nutritionary, dietary advice. And then we hear that she's out eating ribs at 1,500 calories a serving with 141 grams of fat per serving, yeah it does—what do you mean, what do I mean?

What is it - no, I'm trying to say that our First Lady does not project the image of women that you might see on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue."

I totally see what Rush is saying, what a freaking fatass. She really needs to stop eating her high horse and get with the program. Whale.

Achy Forsakey Heart

2011-02-15T14:29:00.009-05:00

Billy Ray Cyrus says a lot of things about a lot of stuff in a recent interview with GQ. It's really hard to talk about this sad piece without making references to his hit, "Achy Breaky Heart" but I'll try. Let's just say that he's feeling really bad about the way Miley Cyrus's life hasn't yet turned out, and he also has a mild paranoid borderline personality disorder (that last part is just my opinion). But really, he blames the devil. He uses one very important anecdote to prove that Hollywood is full of satanic people out to get him, and it's about when he saw this sign on the highway on the way to the Hannah Montana studio:

ADOPT-A-HIGHWAY

ATHEISTS UNITED

Yes. The fact that non-believers donated money to be sure the highway he is driving on is not littered with potholes or trash means that it is the end times. Personally, I think the real sign of the apocalypse can be found further up in the story: "...highway on the way to the Hannah Montana studio..." Yeah, that right there says it all.

And seriously, what the heck are those atheists thinking? Everyone knows the highway stays clean if you just pray it so.

Surprise Twist!

2011-02-14T15:02:00.002-05:00

My dog's getting old. He's doing okay, but he has a lot of health problems. One thing he is though for sure is GOSHDARN CUTE!!! Here is a video I took of him digging himself a spot on the couch. He was doing this for a good minute until I finally turned the camera on, but then he got shy and... there's a SURPRISE ENDING!

My Brunch

2011-02-11T13:16:00.004-05:00

So I try to be a healthy eater - lean proteins and a ton of veggies and greens and such. I ate half a head of kale last night, I'm not even playing.

There's a place near me for lunch called Energy Kitchen, and all of their food is really good for you. I've always been pleasantly surprised by what I find there, and today I decided to go for it- the 5 egg white breakfast sandwich (but for lunch). It's their #1 selling item but what I wanted to know was, what do 5 egg whites look like?

I'll tell you what, they look like this:

For real. That item is so popular and they take their preparations so seriously, they actually have a round pan in which to bake all those damn egg whites, which makes it so beautiful. And yes, it was delicious.

Honey Badger Don't Care

2011-02-11T09:50:00.003-05:00

I've watched this video a lot since it was introduced to me yesterday, and I think you should too.

Gifs! Gifs!

2011-02-10T11:37:00.007-05:00

I FINALLY figured out how to make a gif! The only problem is they have to be from youtube clips that are 15 seconds or less. All I had was this one of Jesse being walked by a child in my neighborhood. I call this the "'Help Me Mom' Side Eye".

And On That Note

2011-02-10T10:37:00.002-05:00

With a mighty guffaw, harrumph, and not a hint of skullduggery, the New York Times took on a humdinger of a topic - the odoriferous prospect of women in men's clubs. Consider me gobsmacked to ascertain that this kind of tomfoolery is still tolerated. Bumfuzzle!

Nobody Panic

2011-02-09T14:51:00.002-05:00

OK, maybe just a little.

There's a teeny teeny tiny chance that an asteroid could hit earth on 2036. No biggs, I'll only be 50 by then, (not really), but in case you were wondering what it would look like, the Discovery Channel made a video of what may happen. Warning: the music is especially cheesy.

Guilty Pleasures

2011-02-09T14:35:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I have a confession to make. I kind of love that band Infant Sorrow. No, no, they're not a real band. It's a band that Russell Brand and Jason Segal created for the Brand's character "Aldous Snow" in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Get Him To The Greek. It's sort of a secret because it's just as embarrassing as my unrelenting passion for Oasis. So, maybe I bought a few of their songs from the last movie. Guess what - it's also incredible workout music. I'm not even joking, I went to the gym to do my regular few miles of warm up jogging to get ready for the stretches, Hot Plank Action*, weights and stuff, but I put one of the Infant Sorrow songs on loop, and I ran like, 10 miles without even realizing it (kidding, more like 6). I was late for everything the rest of the day because I hadn't planned on spending that much time at the gym. So a word to the wise - buy some Infant Sorrow songs. You won't be disappointed.

*quote courtesy of Captain Quinn's Boot Camp

I'm Famous For All The Wrong Reasons

2011-02-09T14:09:00.001-05:00

I may or may not be on TMZ today. No, I didn't steal any jewelry from Lindsay Lohan.

Oh Dear

2011-02-08T10:05:00.002-05:00

Now, this is why I don't participate in cockfighting. A man was killed, yes, KILLED, when a rooster sliced him with the razors attached to his feet. Which brings up two very important life lessons. 1. Never get in the ring with a rooster with razors on his feet and 2. Just... don't get near a rooster with razors on his feet.

I never supported cock fighting. Cock loving, on the other hand, is an entirely different story. Just don't put razors on your partners feet.

My Big Celebrity Gossip League

2011-02-03T10:09:00.003-05:00

A few years ago I was asked by a friend if I wanted to join a celebrity gossip league for a $20 entry fee. It's a lot like fantasy football - you get drafted celebrities, and every time one of them makes it into the popular tabloid websites, they get a point. So, if you have Lindsay Lohan or Halle Berry, you're doing pretty well. You can swap celebs within teams, and at the end of the month the person with the celebs that have scored the most points wins the money. I did it for fun, and ended up winning. Of course I spent all the money on drinks for the women in the league when we all finally met face to face at a bar. But the funny thing is, even though at first I only knew one of the women going into it, I made quite a few friends - women who I still hang out with today. I've gone to their going away parties, baby showers, s@#t got real. So when one of the ladies asked if I'd like to do it again, I said yes.

The problem is, the celebrities in my pool aren't performing very well. I'm doing okay - I'm in 3rd place so far and it's still anyone's game, but I need some help. Which ones should I swap out? Who is the dark horse in the running? I'm not hoping for Hugh Hefner to have a health scare (I am). Here's who I have:

Kim Kardashian: She's my best horse right now. Always in the news.

Ricky Gervais: Surprisingly enough, he's scoring really well.

Mel Gibson: I am shocked. Shocked that he is underperforming. I mean, this is a guy who hates women and Jews and has a drinking and anger problem, but he picks this month to "stay out of the limelight". Still, I can't swap him out. He has potential.

Johnny Depp: Not sure about this one.

Eva Longoria: Didn't she just get divorced from Tony Parker? Why no more press?

Michael Lohan: He's doing okay. He's the kind of guy who actually makes press statements about how he's not going to make any more press statements. And then does it again. So he's a keeper.

Nicole Polizzi: Snooki. C'mon.

Jessica Simpson: This is another surprising one to me. I guess she too is taking a break.

John Travolta: Pleaselethimcomeoutpleaselethimcomeoutpleaselethimcomeout

Hugh Hefner: Again, nothing with this one.

Homage To An Ice Storm

2011-02-02T09:21:00.009-05:00

Did you guys hear that there's an ICE STORM in New York right now? Well, if you've been on Facebook, Twitter, near any news station, window, or listened to a single person when their lips moved recently, you'll know that yes, there is. And apparently the Midwest has a real down home Snowpocalypse™ right now.

Not to be outdone by everyone's award worthy videos and photos of this winter's storms, I took it upon myself (you're welcome) to take some iPhone 4 pics, filter them through Camerabag, flip my hair in an exaggerated fashion, and post them here with some commentary.

May I present to you:

Pretentious Douchebag Photos Of Frozen Tree Limbs And Icicles

This one I call "A Bulbous Bauble". It signifies the playfulness of encapsulation.

"Innocence". It represents the instinctual fear children have of rodeo clowns.

This one below is entitled "NotAPenisNoReallyItIsTotallyAPenis"

I call this one "Love and Ignorance". It makes me cry with both joy and curiosity.

"Geisha Dissonance". It's profound, and if you don't get it, you should be ashamed.

I call this one "Contrasting Compositions" because the ice is straight and the railing is round.

"The Fastidious Philanderer"

"Poles Apart". It encapsulates the disparate dissimilarities of incongruence.

"Untitled". I don't have a title.

This one represents humor, wanting and hunger. It is called "Humantinger".