Shut Up Dude

This is an awesome comedian I know named Liz Miele. You may recognize her from our NY Post Parody video. Here she is dealing with a heckler, like a boss:
 

She's great for many reasons, but may I add that she runs like, 2 or 3 marathons a year, and has been known to do night comedy sets after running a marathon? Damn. I give myself a reward when I get up off the couch to find the remote.

RESPECT YOUR NON ELDERS

There's yet another opinion piece in the Times today about kids called, "Children are Just Small People. Deal With It". (Seriously, that's the name of the article.) I know a few "small people" who may find offense to that, but I'll let that go for now. I think what the woman is trying to say is that we should all accept children as part of the collective community so don't complain when they're in your presence. What she sounds like is an asshole parent. Listen, no one hates your children, they just don't like the way you're raising them.

Case in point: I never had a child at the restaurant I worked at who was a problem. The place was family friendly, so children were encouraged. The only times there was trouble was when a child was left unattended. I don't blame the kid for wanting to run around - that's what kids do. But when the parents just ignore their kids' behavior, not only is it annoying, but also dangerous. In fact, I often prefer children to adults. Never am I on the subway when I think, "God, that parent is so pleasant - if only the child would SHUT UP".

On some occasions I'll find myself at an audition with a child and their stage mother/father. Guess who's the annoying one? Go on, take one guess. To be fair, I only met one stage father and he spent most of the time hitting on all the other actresses. Come to think of it, he's got it made. Anyway, all of the kids I meet are so polite and nice, and the second their parents open their mouths it's nothing but loud nagging or bragging OR they're on their phone super loud.

I think the author of this article should just relax. Sure, it sucks when people don't help you with a stroller on the stairs or offer you a seat on the subway, but on the whole, I do see a lot of people helping people out. New York is a surprisingly friendly place, even when toting a child around. I think everyone would be a lot better if they just took this parent's advice.

New Book Alert

Everyone and their grandmother has been posting about author/Brooklynite/general rabble-rauser Amy Sohn for writing a new book which "reveals" (shock) that people in their late 30's and 40's who are parents in Brooklyn drink and party too much. You can read her excerpt here. There's also a big "is she/isn't she" backlash about whether the stories are true, or if she's just trying to start an ESCALANDO! That, along with piece after piece about children in bars, I feel the need to respond.

Yes, there are parents who are like the ones Amy mentions. I used to bartend for these people, and frankly, seeing someone who is a nightly regular when they have children at home is kind of sad. Then there are the handful of people I see in my neighborhood who bring their babies and children to a bar - and stay past 7:00pm. This is not to say they are bad parents; it's just not something that most people do. The parents Sohn describes are just a small representation of those in Brooklyn. And while the majority of the parents I know aren't like this, a book about responsible parenting isn't going to be as interesting.

I could write a thousand page novel about some of the shit I saw fully grown adults doing at my bar, but again, it's not a representation of everyone who patronized the joint. Amy Sohn may come across as a fame-grubbing scandalous whistleblower, but I say, read her book if you want - she's telling true stories, and I'll bet they are interesting. Does she want to stoke a fire? Sure, maybe, and it's working. But at the end of the day, it's not about everyone over 40 in Brooklyn. Just the ones who peaked in High School.

The Wall Street Journal Gets Something Right

The Wall Street Journal has an article out today about one of my least favorite trends: Facebook bragging. Don't get me wrong - I actually like it when a friend posts a pic of their baby, puppy (please post more puppies), or an advertisement for a play they're in. What I have little tolerance for, however, is what the article talks about: unnecessary bragging. What makes this extra sad is that I've noticed it always comes from people who I know for a fact are terribly insecure, huge narcissists or even clinically depressed. And all of those people get hidden from my feed faster than you can say "My hubby is the best bec..."

The article really nails it from the start:

"Best gift ever from the best husband ever. 

Swam 30 minutes at a very fast time despite the large amount of Chardonnay served to me on the plane last night. 

Got my first royalty check for my book! 

Sunset sail. Turned into a moonlight sail. Shooting stars everywhere…Perfect.

A benign reading would be that these are just typical daily updates. But folks, this is bragging, whether you recognize it or not. And it's out of control. How did this happen?"

Case in point - I have a friend from high school who is married with two kids. She talks about how great her husband is CONSTANTLY and posts pictures of her children at various locales because he works hard and makes a lot of money to support a lavish lifestyle. I know this because she actually posted once, "My hubby is the best because he works hard and makes a lot of money to support our lavish lifestyle! LOL!" The thing is, I know her husband. And from what I've seen, let's just say he's not really as into the marriage as she is. I also have a (highly scientific) theory that the more self-taken "happy couple pose" photos a person posts, they may as well take out a billboard on the highway that says: "This relationship isn't going very well but I'm really trying to make everyone think that it is." I actually know someone whose wife was on the cover of the NY Post a month ago for cheating on him in a very public way, and his Facebook page TO THIS DAY is nothing but daily photo uploads of the two of them with sappy captions.

On the flip side, I have many married/coupled friends who are very happy together. And wouldn't you know it, rarely to never do I see them posting pics to prove how happy they are. They don't "like" each others status's unless it's for comedic value. And never ever do they say to each other over Facebook how great each of them is. I saw a friend on the train recently who has a really nice husband and cute newborn and I mentioned casually, "Hey, I want to see more pictures of your baby and Peter," and she said, "Yeah, I keep meaning to post some pictures on Facebook, but I haven't gotten around to it." She probably hasn't gotten around to it because she is too busy enjoying her life and doesn't think people should care about how awesome her life is.

Again, I really do like a good baby pic or career update, etc. But I think we can all agree this can be solved in only one way: more pictures of puppies on Facebook.

Obama CARES

You guys. I walked into my pharmacy yesterday to get my birth control. You know - "Whore Pills". I also take them because I have ovarian cancer in my family and I am prone to ovarian cysts, and the "No-Baby Candy" keeps my hormones in check, so the chance of me getting said cancer is 80% lower. Unfortunately this preventative care has cost me various co-pays once a month for about 14 years. When I was uninsured I had to go to Planned Parenthood (I'm sorry - I'm a fan of what Planned Parenthood does, but for anyone who has gone there, you know what I mean when I say "had to go"). And believe it or not, the most I ever paid for the pill was at Planned Parenthood. I am very thankful we live in a country where birth control is readily available, but the "Licence to Rawdog Med" co-pays can add up. So imagine my surprise when I went to the pharmacy, cash in hand, when the woman behind the counter just smiled at me and said, "No more co-pay. Just sign here."

I knew that starting this month most birth control is covered thanks to the ACA, but for some reason it didn't yet feel real. What DID feel real was when I audibly gasped and sputtered, "Th...this is the best day of my life!" and then proceeded to strut down the CVS aisle in slow motion to a rousing round of slow claps from equally gratified onlookers. No, that last part didn't happen (it did in my mind), but that's how it felt.

So, thank you ACA and Obama. I'm totally going to celebrate by having an unprotected four-way in Chick-Fil-A.

Don't Pee On My Leg And Tell Me You Love Me

Colorado's not really having the best Summer. What with the wildfires, theater shooting and Miller beating out Coors in the punch can strategery, I'm sure the state would like to take a collective break. But then this guy has to piss on this woman's leg at a bar. No, she had not just gotten stung by a jellyfish, and he wasn't trying to prove it was raining - he just pissed on her because he was, well, pissed at her for rebuffing his advances. I really, really hope this is an isolated incident as I will be in Colorado in a few weeks to see this show. I hope the play isn't a piece of crap; I hear the playwright is totally pretentious. I have no qualms with peeing all over the stage.

Oh, speaking of which, the theater company just opened up a site for donations because said playwright's royalty fees are through the roof. Do donate if you like/can/want to feel good.