So I was walking down the street today when I saw some money on the ground. It looked like a $100 bill. Turns out I was wrong. It was two $100 bills.
Let me just let that sink in.
It was on the curb, neatly folded, as if it had come out of a rich person's wallet. I have a lot of experience with rich people's wallets as it is my job to fill one up with $2,000 cash once a week. So I know whoever dropped it wouldn't miss it. I mean really - who carries hundreds anyway? Then I look around exaggeratedly, in case I'm on a candid camera show, as I want to make it very clear I just found it and I'm looking for its rightful owner. Seriously, I so over-mimed the "DID ANYONE LOSE MONEY" face and hand gestures, I could have been in The Artist. I had no shame in my overacting. No one responded. Finally, a guy in a suit sees me and says, "Finders keepers!" Clearly he had just witnessed my Théâtre du Whosemoneyisthis. But then I go up to him, dumbfounded with two hundies in my hand and I see his eyes widen. Clearly he had thought it was just a dollar or maybe a $20. He shook his head. "Wow." I could see the wheels turning in his mind that maybe he could pretend that HE was the one who dropped it, but the jig was up after the "finders keepers" line.
I just put it in my wallet and kept walking. No one followed me. No one jumped out from around the corner with a camera. I just kept walking....
Good morning. Bristol Palin is raising an upstanding individual who will someday contribute to the greater good of society. Haha, I'm just kidding - she's raising an asshole. By her own admission on her reality show (I'll let that sink in for a bit) she stated, "I'm doing a terrible job disciplining Tripp". This, after he calls his aunt Willow a "faggot". Yes, that is wrong on so many levels I cannot even begin, but the BEST part is that Willow and Bristol both just laugh. Right now the Mother of the Year committee is trying to figure out how to quietly change their address and re-locate somewhere far, far away. In the meantime, Bristol's probably making more money than all of us, and her mom still has a job on Fox News.
The only way to possibly feel better about ourselves is to have a collective laugh that she finds the pool at the Phoenix Holiday Inn impressive.
Hey everybody! I just got back from an amazing vacation, and those of you who follow me on the social networks know that I spared all of you from glorious vacation photos. I consider that a Facebook/Twitter dick-move so, you're welcome. There's nothing worse than being at work or in the hot-as-balls NY heat when one of your "friends" posts a litany of pictures of them with a drink on the beach. It's kind of the old fashioned thing where you go to a friends house for dinner, and they whip out a 500 count vacation slideshow. No one wants that. If, however, you'd like to see the few pics I did take, feel free to come over and look through my phone; they're marvelous.
And there's some good news all around! My dear friend Jonah is doing quite well. My boyfriend and I even heard his voice on an episode of our new favorite show Archer while watching season 3, and it was like he was in bed with us. Then things got freaky.
Big news too: You can now buy my romance novel, The Boy in the Basement, on Kindle or in paperback on Amazon! It's super exciting for me because it coincides with a trip I'm taking later in the month to Boulder, Colorado to actually see the play based on the book for the first time as an audience member. This awesome theater company is putting it on and since I hear Boulder is amazing, I though, f@#k it, let's go.
And finally, please watch the latest from the wonderful Sarah Silverman:
You guys you guys you guys you guys you guys. Sorry I've been away. I've been working on some very cool things I'll tell you about when everything is set, but it's all really exciting. CRYPTIC ENOUGH? But really, what's important is that I'm also getting ready to go on a nice long vacation. I actually don't know what's better - going on vacation, or that my boyfriend got us first class plane seats. I'm real simple like that. It doesn't take much to impress me. "Oh, free pizza? What a country!" - Me, after a friend is full at Pizza Hut and offers leftovers. But I felt that I couldn't not blog for all 5 of my loyal followers, so I offer you this: