Because Jonah asked me to, and his foot's all swole, I will be blogging some more. I mean, my voracious fan base, all three of you, deserve it.
So, my friend Molly has pointed out on various occasions how much she hates the Huffington Post (otherwise known as HuffPo, which annoys her more). In fact, she and her brother play a game on their radio show, where they take headlines from both HuffPo and Us Weekly, and have people guess which headline is from which website. I love this game so much I started really paying attention to HuffPo headlines. Here's a few today that will make you want to give your life savings to pay for a NY Times subscription to save journalism:
Kim Kardashian Wears A Very Short Skirt
The 324 Pound Beauty Pageant Winner
Jessica Alba Talks Pregnancy Sex
Praying Away the Pounds
7 Sites You Should Be Wasting Time On Right Now Mom Mistakes Gun For Cigarette Lighter, Daughter Wounded Wurst Crime Ever?: Woman Arrested In Sausage Throwing Incident
and finally... Boehner To Republicans: 'Get Your A** In Line'
Every week our show has a guest star, and I'm really freaking excited to meet and work with the one coming in this week (spoiler alert - I'm psyched to work with all of them). Her name is Aimee Mullins and she's a model/athlete/activist/actress who is a double leg amputee. You may recognize her from some of her print ads with her prosthetic racing legs, or in any other magazine as a model because she's really freaking hot. She's also funny. Here she is on the Colbert Report:
A lot of people ask me, "Hey, Tempy, why are you guys having guest stars on your show?" Well, the short answer is this: we found last season, by happy accident, that people really responded to us when we had guest stars. But the longer answer is a little more complex. You see, as we continue with this show, we're figuring out that we have created a forum for actresses where there are no types. No one can be too fat or too thin or too pregnant. Actresses are starting to come to us - actresses with a giant repertoire of work, who don't want to be typecast, and desire to try something new. Aimee told our casting director that she always gets cast as the victim of war, or a bomb, etc., and for once she wanted to get up on a stage, prosthetic legs and all, and not ever refer to the fact that she is a double amputee. And gosh darn it, our show is one of the few places where she can do that. So, that's what we're gonna do.
It's also becoming increasingly clear as to why it is that we, as regular cast members, do this show. Every audition many of us go on during the day are overwhelmingly for something silly, like a commercial for Fed Ex, or a play that totally sucks. Our show is the ideal situation for most actors - to be in a project that is well received, successful, and most of all, incredibly artistically rewarding. And when I heard that Aimee said that we're giving her an opportunity that hasn't existed for her for most of her life, well, that's really cool.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have an audition for an Audi commercial.
Guys, don't do cocaine. When I bartended, some of my customers used to partake in the drug - I actually never did cocaine myself, which makes me utterly uncool, but people on cocaine are so annoying that it makes it easy not to want to try it. A perfect example of said person is the lady in this story.
For those of you unfamiliar with this woman, her name is Courtney Stodden, and she's a professional fame whore singer, actress and pageant winner, all at the tender and innocent age of 45 16. There was a small story in Huff Po HUGE MEDIA ESCALANDO over the fact that she married 51 year old actor Who Cares Doug Hutchinson. So the two of them rode the magic publicity carpet (that they strung together with lies, low-end meth and remnants of Courtney's weave hair) and took off on an adventure in the press this week. That being said, if you have a moment, please take a look at this and remember kids, don't do drugs. And if you do, don't go in front of a camera. Here's a clip. If you want more (no judgments), watch the better one I can't embed that Gawker made here:
Speaking of drugs and bars, I was at a bar last night where my boyfriend's band was playing. As is quite often the case with me, I had to use the restroom at some point, and this is what was on the wall:
Today is my 3,000th post. Yes, I know, I know - It's a big deal! I have to say, It was difficult deciding which cute cat or dog video to post for the big 3K but then I realized that I can do BOTH. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you an oldie but goldie, Ninja Cat. Followed my my late dog's version, Ninja Jesse.
I'd like to give a shout out to a funny lady by the name of Jenn Dodd. Jenn first came across my radar when she did a hilarious video depicting Anthony Weiner as a teenager.
Now Jenn has teamed up with Funny Not Slutty, and with her bang-on impersonation of easy-target Victoria Jackson, she created web videos in a series that imagines Victoria Jackson is running for President.
But here's the best part - Victoria Jackson found out about it and wrote a very personal response of her own. Before you read it, I just want to be sure everyone is aware of what is so funny, or not funny, about Victoria Jackson these days.
Since her reign on SNL she disappeared for a while, and then reappeared, how shall we say... nuttier than a batshit crazy rat rolling in the feces of Donald Trump's wig lice and Glenn Beck's chalk dust. She's nuts. I say this not because she's conservative. I know many conservative and republican people whose opinions I respect completely. But Victoria Jackson is, well, different. Here's some examples of a few of her latest quotes:
“I notice there are mostly white people here. I wonder why there aren't more Cubans, and Venezuelans, Koreans, Vietnamese, Russians, Egyptians, Africans, Pakistanis, Chinese and Colombians. Didn't they come here to escape dictatorships and corrupt governments? Why aren't they worried about this 'fundamental transformation' that is making our country look like the one they left? Maybe they don't speak English so they don't watch Glenn Beck.”
"This new al-Qaida magazine for women has beauty tips and suicide-bomber tips! Gimme a break! That is as ridiculous as two men kissing on the mouth! And I don't care what is politically correct. Everyone knows that two men on a wedding cake is a comedy skit, not an 'alternate lifestyle'! There I said it! Ridiculous!"
"I was wondering what real doctors think of ObamaCare, not the fake doctors Obama rigged for his photo shoot, but real ones. Now someone bring me more helium*!"
*she didn't say that last sentence but everything else is true
So when Victoria Jackson got wind that someone was doing an impersonation of her, she decided to respond. And respond she did. Now, Victoria Jackson recognizes that Jenn Dodd is one funny lady. She also admits that she will try to get her a job at SNL (?) so... that's great for Jenn. What is not great for Jenn, she warns, is:
"Jenn will have to give her check to Obama, and he will divide it up and give it to whomever he wants (like he's doing with Obamacare waivers and TARP funds). Because we are all 'equal,' Jenn Dodd will get maybe $1,000, and the drug addict next door who stares at his belly button all day will get $1,000, and the drama teacher who said she'd never make it will get $1,000, and a whole bunch of strangers will each get $1,000 of her check."
Congratulations to Jenn Dodd for making an important point through comedy, and quite possibly getting a job out of the process. And thanks to Victoria Jackson, who reminded me that... well... scarves will never go out of style. NEVER!
Finally people are admitting tampon ads are dumb. I've never used Kotex, but now I think I might have to, because I'm such a slave to advertising.
This commercial is funny, except for the commentary about the blue liquid. I actually do bleed blue liquid, and I don't appreciate the joke. On second thought, screw Kotex - I'm staying with CVS brand Tampax knock offs. They're so baller they don't even have to advertise.
It's official - I signed with an agent today. Like, a real live talent agent. I know she alive because I threw water on her and she didn't short out. I KID! I'm just really excited because they're super cool. It was, however, a little questionable when after I was introduced to everyone on the floor, as I stepped in the elevator I hear one woman say to my agent, "She looks like an actress I know. I swear, I've seen her before. Who does she look like?" To which my agent responded, "I'll TELL you who she looks like! She looks exactly like..." and that's when the elevator door closed.
So I'll have to defer to you guys. Who the heck do you think I look like?
I'll tell you what, let me tell you something. I am the new poker champ of the every other month random poker game. I've never won a game before but this weekend I was on FIRE! I just kept getting dealt amazing hand after amazing hand. After being chastised by my boyfriend for being too transparent when I got good cards, (that and I would always rely on my iPhone to see hand orders), I worked on it and was convincing enough to fool everyone into GIVING ME THEIR MONEY! To say that my head is big about this would be an understatement. I AM A FUCKING GOD.
In other news, I think I managed to stay away from reading anything about the 2012 elections this whole weekend, which is probably also why I'm in a good mood. I can't quite tell who is worse for my mental health - Palin of Bachmann. But I will tell you what news item caught my eye that was pretty awesome from The Onion:
Yes, it was ladies night last night, and you know what that means! I was home and in bed by 10:30 because I am old. Yes, I was the first one to leave, which I'd like to believe didn't coincide with me being the oldest, but it did. In fact, the two youngest in the group are still in bed with each other. And yet, I am a bit hungover. Again, because I am old. I can't wait for mozzarella stick time.