Ridiculous Research Done Here

By now most of you have seen this video of these women fighting on the subway because one of them was eating spaghetti. It's been called the "Subway Spaghetti Fight" on more than one blog, and even the title of the video has the word "spaghetti" in it. But what's shocking about all of this to any self respecting New Yorker is not that the fight occurred, or the racial comments, or the eating on the subway part. It's that anyone who lives here knows that there are very few places to get spaghetti to go in a Styrofoam container. Seriously, I couldn't fully watch the video without thinking, "But... where did she get that spaghetti?"

But you know what you CAN get anywhere in New York City to go? Chinese food. So upon further inspection and one very helpful youtube comment, I realized that it is indeed lo mein. LO MEIN IS THE REAL CULPRIT! And I don't know what's worse - that this fight happened, or that the spaghetti part perplexed me so much.

2Getha 4Eva

In this article I read on the train this morning, the reporter "interviewed" today's Ken doll. In case you missed it, a few years back, Ken and Barbie split up - it was such hard hitting news, even FOX covered it. Now they're back together!

These are excerpts from the actual interview.

Ken's Tips on How To Get Your Doll

Shower her with compliments
I know my doll always dresses like she’s ready to strut down a runway, so why does she need me to tell her she looks good? Seriously, she needs to hear it, and she needs to hear it often. Compliment her hair, her shoes — even her handbag.

Clean up your man-cave
Dude, you have to get your bachelor pad in order. Give her the impression that you don’t need a doll to take care of you (even if you do). Transform your man-cave into a love lounge.

Make a grand gesture
You have to pony up some hard-earned play money to impress your doll. When it comes to my doll, I know I have to think outside the toy box. I’m not saying light up Times Square, but you get the idea.

Dress for success
As you know, my doll is into fashion — shocker! I can’t show up to a premiere or fashion show looking like I’m ready for a pick-up game at the gym. Man up, guys, it’s time to check it or chuck it. If it has holes, is from another decade or she just plain hates it, chuck it. You don’t want your doll to cringe when your mug shows up on Facebook.

I'd like to point out that while this is very sweet, it is also coming from the great (and also real) Earring Magic Ken Doll, Mattell's fastest selling Ken Doll to date. I wonder why.

How To Succeed In Business While Trying

I've been thinking a lot about a friend of mine lately. I won't be naming or linking anything here that has anything to do with her because she's opening a new business, just in case a Google search will bring her up in correlation to my imaginings about Sarah Palin or videos of cats. But for those of you who know me, you'll know who I am talking about.

I've known this woman for almost 10 years. She's amazing - was always one of the coolest customers I had at my bar, and someone who I would hang out with outside of work. She had a nice, well paying job, and was able to buy her own apartment and on more than one occasion took me to the theater. I'm talking Broadway shows, people. For rizzle.

A few years ago she realized she wasn't happy and decided to completely change her life around. She didn't quite know what she wanted, but she did know what she didn't want. Now, two years later, she has quit the job, gone back to school, graduated, and is opening the most amazing business. I have no doubt that it will be a huge success, and it will all be because of the tireless energy, commitment and love of what she's doing. If that's not inspiring, I don't know what is.

Another friend and I (I can link to that) were talking about her last night because he'll be working with her, and we were discussing how proud we are of her. I am inspired by people all the time - political figures, artists, people in the news. But it's an amazing feeling when you realize that someone you look up to so much is also someone sitting right next to you (she's not actually sitting right next to me - that'd be weird because I'm at my day job). But, you know what I mean.

On more than one occasion she's said to me, "You know what's cool about you? You're an actress who actually acts. You don't just talk about it." I can say the same about her. (Minus the "actress" part, unless she wanted to be an actress, in which case I have no doubt she would be hugely successful because she's super dedicated. You know what I mean.)

Great Show

I saw an amazing show last night - comedian Mike Birbiglia's one man piece, "My Girlfriend's Boyfriend". I highly recommend it. It's a perfect little performance. The thing about Mike Birbiglia is that he has the amazing ability to tell personal stories that make you cringe and laugh and cry all at the same time. As someone who recently did a one-person show where I shared personal stories, I will tell you right now, it is terrifying, even when it goes well. It kind of feels like if you are actually naked in front of an audience, and even if the audience likes your body, doesn't matter - you're still naked. Let's just say I could never be a stripper.

No, actually, I probably could. Because the difference is when you tell personal stories to strangers you're stripping emotionally, whereas I can easily take my clothes off anywhere if the right Missy Elliot song is on and I don't have to talk about my childhood. Anyway, I still have a lot to learn about performing solo, and Mike Birbiglia makes it look so easy. This is because he has been working at his craft for so long, and it shows. Birbiglia created a genuinely entertaining seamless story. So, yeah. See the show.

And in other comedy news, I will be seeing the amazing comedian Jordan Carlos (clip below) perform tonight. He's great, and the line-up of the whole show is awesome. So if you're free and not afraid of the snow, you should go.

Glee, Gays and God

Never-Funny-Comedienne/Tea-Party-Activist/I'm-Guessing-Valium-Fan Victoria Jackson brought her special brand of crazy to some entertainment show that doesn't interview people with valid, educated points. And she talked about a gay kiss on a show I don't watch, Glee. Naturally they asked her opinion, since she is the President of Batshitville. Her response to whether or not she was homophobic was, "It's not what I think. It's what the bible says."

I'd like to draw your attention to the scarf on her head, most likely purchased from the exquisite Claire's at the Galleria, and guess either that or some piece of clothing she has worn in recent years was most likely mixed with linen and wool, which is wrong in the eyes of God too, according to Leviticus. So really, if the bible's totally right about everything, let's all have sex with our daughters.

Anyway, here's the clip if you want to watch. All I can think when I hear her speak is every unfunny character she ever played, but seriously folks. Apparently liberals are also supposed to hate Muslims because Muslims kill gays, but liberals love Muslims and that's makes them hypocritical because... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Some Observations

The pity party is officially over, and now I'd like to look at a few of the positive things that can result from losing a pet.

1. I have an extra 20 minutes in the morning. I loved every walk Jesse and I ever went on, and as a morning person I never had any problems getting up bright and early, but it's nice to know that if I want, I can "sleep in". That of course didn't stop me from walking around the block this morning anyway, stopping at every tree and sniffing out trash.

2. Plants and cards. Who doesn't love plants and cards? My upstairs neighbor's boyfriend is an old-school graffiti artist, and they bought me a potted plant and he totally tricked out the pot with graffiti letters that spell my dog's name. Also, the cards. They really do make a card for everything. Unfortunately, they also only make a limited number of "dead dog" cards, and most of my friends apparently shop in the same area, because out of the 5 cards I got, two of them were exactly the same, two were slightly different cards but both clearly from a company called "Passages" that uses the same font and artist, and then I got a card from some friends who didn't get the "dead dog card" memo because they sent me a full on "dead person" condolence card. I think it's because they live in Williamsburg, and that's the one trend the fauxhemians have not yet picked up on. But yeah, it was nice to get so many cards.

3. Crippling depression-induced weight loss. Hear me out - since this started, I've had almost no appetite. I won't eat for a long time, then get crazy ravenous and eat a little, and then I'll go another day without eating. I know that I will soon get to the point where I will be able to begin eating regularly again because I just love food too much. But as far as the depression/loss of appetite goes, I'm going to ride this one out. Bathing suit season is coming up, ladies!

4. Not having to go home is a big one. Luckily I've gotten surprisingly busy over the last week. I just joined the cast of a show as an understudy and I went on for the first time this weekend. This still would have been possible had my dog been around, but I wouldn't have been able to meet up with friends afterwards yesterday, because I would have felt bad for leaving him for so long. So my social life has had a tiny boost, although I never really was a big party animal to begin with. But I have a lot of great friends who are always doing fun stuff, so it's nice to know I can, on a whim, meet up with people.

5. Less fur. I'm just gonna say it. My apartment has way less fur.

I think that's about it. Oh, this is totally unrelated but I'm seeing Mike Birbiglia tomorrow and I'm really freaking excited. Enjoy some of his work, won't you?

Non-Random Acts Of Kindness

So many people have come forward to offer me support with the passing of my dog, it's overwhelming. I mean, I know it's not the worst tragedy in the world, and a lot of people go through similar situations, but these emails help me remember how lucky I am, and the last thing I feel right now is alone. And then my wonderful friend Jonah had to go and make me cry again with this beautiful posting. He also sent me this which I highly recommend if you have a minute. Going back to the condolence emails, there were quite a few that stood out. Here are some of them, because they really express the, shall I say, "character" of my dog, and the unique sense of humor among my friends.

"So sorry to hear about Jesse's passing. Let me know if there is anything we can do. We're happy to send [our son] to you for a few hours and let him nip at your heels, pee on your rug, and chase thrown balls."

"I am so sorry to hear that. I have many fond memories of Jesse. Like the time I crashed at your house and he pooped on the floor."

"Sorry to hear about Jesse. I enjoyed being around him and remembering the bee-line he made for [our cat's] food bowl the one time he came in the apartment will always make me laugh. So will the memory of him going ballistic when I came through your door with a package of supposedly vacuum-sealed salmon dog treats."

"I am SO sorry to hear about Jesse. He was such a sweet dog, he'll be missed! How are you holding up? Let me know if there's anything I can do, sing you sad songs, buy you drinks, wax nostalgic about the time Jesse and I were on P. Diddy's yacht in the south of France and Kate Moss was there with a Saudi prince and then Jesse peed in the champagne but no one noticed.... That was a good vacay!"

I promise to stop talking about my dog soon and get back to very important Charlie Sheen news.

My Jesse

Last night I had to put my sweet friend Jesse to sleep. For those of you who don't know, Jesse is my dog. He's made many, many, many, appearances here on this blog, and he was just shy of 13 years.

The story of Jesse is a tale (I spared you from writing "tail") like any other. I wanted a dog my entire life, and right when I got out of college and moved into my first ever big girl apartment, I went to the North Shore Animal League "just to look". I planned on getting an adult dog, walked around, assessed my options, then went to leave. When you walk out, they make you go through the puppy room. Yes, there's a room full of puppies. Yes, I only thought they existed in my dreams. It's kind of like being a single gal leaving a bar full of perfectly nice young men, when a bus full of Brazilian soccer players pulls up. It's just not fair. So, I looked around.

I was just about to leave when I saw him. A little puppy hound mix with the sweetest face and the hugest paws I've ever seen. Apparently someone had tried to adopt him but that person's references didn't check out, so they were bringing him back in the room. Our eyes locked. I thought, "F@#k, I'm going home with a dog today."

We had our share of adventures. In his "wily" days he liked to eat my friend's underwear, panty hose and expensive moccasins. And that was in just one afternoon (hi, Sharda). He loved to eat. A lot. My friend Ed was watching him one time and Ed decided it would be a perfectly good idea to make a burrito and leave it alone on the counter for one second. Silly Ed. When he came back in the room, my dog was up on his hind legs, licking the cheese off of the burrito. Wouldn't you? We've gotten hours of entertainment from that one, "Hey, I guess my DOG likes to lick CHEESE off of your BURRITO. GET IT? It's a EUPHEMISM and it's DIRTY."

Another time Jesse ate an entire stick of butter. And a bag of chocolate covered pretzels. And a bag of whole wheat bread. And that was in just one afternoon (kidding).

As the years went by, he got a little mellower, but was still spry nonetheless. He's survived two dog attacks, numerous trips to the vet for eating all the wrong things, and a tooth abscess. He's been to Connecticut, The Adirondacks, Vermont and even Manhattan. He was amazing with children and kept me company many, many a night. He had a really good heart and always knew when someone needed a snuggle. On the night of 9/11 we were at our local dog-friendly bar, in shock, watching the news huddled along with our neighbors. At one point I realized Jesse was missing - he liked to wander around behind the bar, like his mom. I looked down and saw that a random stranger was clutching him and crying, and he was sitting sweetly with her, rubbing his face in hers. They were like that for almost 20 minutes, it was beautiful. I can't say he's a faith healer or anything (that's for other people to say) but I know he helped that woman that night. And really, that's what having a pet is all about - companionship. And adventures. And learning that you have an incredible tolerance for picking up feces on an average of three times a day. That's love.

My friend Sonya's favorite story about Jesse happened when she was watching him one time. They were on a walk, and Jesse spotted a slice of pizza on the ground. It was covered in ants, but that didn't stop Jesse from swooping in. The way Sonya tells it, although by this point in the story she's breathless from laughing so hard, Jesse was both vigorously eating the pizza as fast as he could while simultaneously trying to rub ants off his face.

Jesse was recently diagnosed with Laryngeal Paralysis, which basically means he had a lot of trouble breathing and could technically die from choking to death. His arthritis was also getting worse, and a few days ago he tore his ACL from said arthritis and quickly lost his ability to walk. I knew it was time.

On one of his last walks, he was hobbling down the street when he saw a piece of pizza on the ground. At this point, I couldn't deny him his favorite thing so I didn't even try to pull back on the leash. But out of habit, he lunged towards it, and, in doing so, fell off the curb and into the street. But that didn't phase him. Splayed on the ground, pizza crust in his mouth, he ate that thing like a honey badger devouring a live snake. You may call that dumb, I call that dedication. I always joked that Jesse would steal food from the ground (or a counter top) until his dying day. And he did.

Jesse James "Bones", 1998-2011

The Kiernan

If you don't all know, I really like NY1's Pat Kiernan. Not in a super creepy way - I just think he is an excellent news anchor, I have a thing for Canadians, and he has a fun sense of humor. Take this blog post for example. In rehearsals, (they rehearse the news? Pat always makes it look so fresh!), he was supposed to say snagged, but instead said shagged. How cute! Then he took video of it. Now, what kind of responsible blogger would I be if I didn't share it with you nice people:

Staying Classy

I take a few days off of work and the first thing that happens this morning is I get a nasty paper cut! No this thing is really impressive. I'm not even mad, I just want to know how I did it. And we're out of band aids here, so I broke out the first aid kit and tried to cut up a small piece of gauze, then I started bleeding all over the gauze roll and a co-worker found me in the kitchen, rapidly unrolling the bled-on gauze over the first aid kit. I think she almost fainted. That would have been amazing; the paper cut that causes someone to keel over and get a concussion. Luckily that didn't happen. We're both fine. Now.

Sorry Mel Gibson

I am having a phenomenal birthday so I've just been too busy to keep up with the latest news. Oh, well except for how the pope exonerated the Jews for killing Jesus. Yes. Yes, the Pope is finally getting around to the "To Do" list that was left on the steps of the Vatican thousands of years ago. Among those things on the list was also:

1. Clarify the whole "don't wear cloth made out of a mix of wool and linen" rule.

2. Stoning. It's kind of dumb.

3. Remember to talk to the priests about those little boys.

4. Buy milk!

5. Maybe cursing is okay if thou has stubbeth thy foot on a nightstand.

6. Do we really want to start a holy war? Note- get back to this L8R.

7. Remember to tell people that Jesus's last words were, "For the love of my father, homosexuality is totally acceptable and women should be treated with respect. Don't go changing my words around to make me look like an asshole."

8. Feed the camels (I really hope this got tended to).

9. Look into where this rule originated: "A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the Lord." Um, okay.

10. Rest.

It's Warm

While Charlie Sheen is bringing the crazy, New York is bringing in the warm weather, all in time for my birthday. My birthday is tomorrow, mind you, but I've been celebrating for days. And while I'm feeling supremely happy and overall blessed with the best people in my life, blah blah, I can't help but think about how deep down, I really am jealous of Charlie Sheen and his winning.

Now if you haven't heard, that's his new big catchphrase, "winning", next to "duh" and "boom" among others. But let's think about it for a second - he has millions of dollars. Win. Huge house. Win. A substance control problem and a lack of responsibility for harmful actions. Win-win. What more can a person want? So on my birthday, I will learn to accept the reality of the biggest gift of all. Losing. That is to say, not being Charlie Sheen. I'll just have to get used to it.

Now in the meantime, let's get back to that forecast.