I can't believe I've never seen this before. Please, please watch this.
A day by day and often hourly account of a temp
So, there's this "women in comedy" website that I've been featured on, and the woman who runs it is really nice, which is why I won't name it. But yesterday one of the contributors wrote this "hilarious" piece, and here it is:
I don't know if any of you have ever been evacuated from a train but I will say it is quite the experience. For some reason never explained to us (probably a false alarm situation at a major subway hub), the trains were all halted for an extraordinarily long period of time. Finally, ours went forward a few inches, just enough for the first door of the first car to open up- and from there the whole train was asked to evacuate through that one door. Everyone was surprisingly nice and calm. I think we were really excited top finally get off the train, (which had already been re-routed twice). Crazy! The funny thing is I actually couldn't care less- I was playing my new favorite game Gem Spinner on my iPhone and was really happy I had the extra time.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you haven't yet seen the best acting job ever of all time, you don't know what you're missing. And I'm not talking about Jesse Spano and her No-Doz breakdown/Emmy worthy scene with Zack Morris in Saved By The Bell. Amateurs, people. I present to you the best thing you'll ever see today ever (today). Bristol Palin in her acting debut.
A few years ago I did some union extra work on a film that went nowhere. Being an extra is horrible- it's like being glorified scenery. You sit around for hours on end and usually you are paired with someone really annoying who thinks this is "acting". I had that same experience when I was on the set of this particular movie, but the money was so good and I needed it at the time, so I did it.
My friend Jonah was on the news! Check this out!!!
A few months ago I had to make cut out horses for some presentation my boss was making, apparently at Romper Room. I had an extra one so I made it for my friend here, Clara. Well, she moved to California recently and left her horse behind to remember her by in her empty office. We finally hired a new guy and everyone kept asking, "Where's his horse? Where's my horse?" Hahhahah. Well, I know how to work a scanner, printer and sharpie, bitches. Horses for everyone.
OK, please someone caption this for me. It's only 9 seconds long so you have no excuse not to watch. Here's an idea, "B@#ch you call that a hat?!?"
A Jesus statue was struck down by lightning in Ohio recently, but the sign for a triple x porn store across the street was untouched. Which proves my theory - God is a jealous, perverted pyromaniac.
It's not my birthday. I just want everyone to know that. But I got a delivery of birthday balloons because I hosted a trivia night for a charity and they thought it would be funny to send me birthday balloons (because they didn't make "thank you for hosting trivia" balloons). Aw, how sweet. It's a damn shame I can't take them home, but someone's gonna have fun with helium this afternoon.
Today's Hero Award goes out to this delicate angel. She's young, but don't let that fool you- she managed to get away with saying "cunt" not once, but twice, on the Today Show. Meredith Viera just about jumped out of her pleather chair, but she handled the rest of the interview with dignity and grace. Listen closely and you can hear Katie Couric do a slow clap.
I know I shouldn't make fun of this lady, so instead I'm going to give her a salute. I mean, we've all done some very interesting drunk dials, but this one takes the cake- a lady was arrested for dilaing 911 because she wanted a husband. It was, after all, an emergency.
Today's Idiot of the Day is this guy, Joran Andreas Petrus van der Sloot, the f@$king a##hole who allegedly killed Natalie Holloway in Aruba 5 years ago, and then 5 years ago to the day of her disappearance killed a woman in Peru, which he admitted to. To paraphrase him, "I had to- she was looking through my shit."
This video is hilarious/cute/mildly depressing. Thanks to Justin Long and Mike White for making my nerd-on-nerd fantasies come true:
For those of you that don't know, Elmo is voiced by a very large, handsome African American man by the name of Kevin Clash. Let's just say that the high point of the evening (besides a rare sighting of Snuffleupagus!) was when John Legend did a duet with Elmo, and I swear the sexual tension between John Legend and the guy playing Elmo was thicker than my apple compote. For reals.
Tonight I'm going to a benefit for Sesame Street, and Elmo and Vice President Joe Biden are going to be there, among other fun guests. There's a very small chance I'll actually get to meet him (Biden, not Elmo. Are you kidding? He's way too busy). If that's the case, whatever shall I say? I need your help. God as my witness, whatever wins, if I get the chance, I'll do.
It's been a touch busy here at TempCo today because I have a show opening in less than a week and it's been a little crazy to say the least. Hey, who needs programs? I'm kidding- we're actually shockingly on track. I think you'll like this article, it explains a lot.