Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Ok, last night I stumbled upon an old Gossip Girl. Let me just say that that show is so ludicrous for so many reasons. First of all, I don't understand how these 17 year olds are getting served martinis at fancy bars. As an ex-bartender and someone who generally knows the industry, New York bars don't care who your daddy is- if you're underage you can't drink. Clubs sometimes make exceptions but I'm not talking about clubs. I'm talking about real classy old man Upper East Side bars.
And speaking of which, what the hell are these kids doing in establishments like that anyway? They should take their raging hormones down to the village and hit it real teenager-like, not this highfalutin shitfuckery. I don't know any teenager that really has a taste for a stiff gimlet, I'm sorry. When did they have the time to cultivate such a classy appreciation for good drinks? Were they drinking amaretto sours when they were 3? I was still tipping on vodka-cokes at age 20 and no, I'm not even talking Absolut or Stoli. It was Nikolai all the way, son.
I won't go into all the sex they're having because I'm just jealous I didn't have any of it in high school myself. But everything else genuinely pisses me off.
Look at these fuckfaces. The guy on the right is 18 going on 41. The guy in the middle is allegedly the "Sexiest Man Right Now" according to some magazine. Oh, and the guy on the left? He's way to complicated for you and I. He doesn't even know that he's on a show- he's just high and drunk all the time and as such doesn't notice the camera as he weaves through weak plot point to weak plot point in a vague effort to stay awake so he can take more swigs of Laphroaig 18 out of his flask. He doesn't even know where he is- all he knows is there's a vagina nearby with his name on it.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Please, if you watch one thing today, (besides my friend JQ's rendition of Smooth Criminal), watch the senile talking cat:
No, YOU'RE a Mammatus
For those of you who don't know, some crazy stuff happened in New York this weekend. FIRST of all, the weather was freaking beautiful all weekend so all those meteorologists can suck it.
Second, after one flash storm on Friday afternoon, these insane clouds came out. Turns out they're called Mammatus clouds, which is a Latin term for "fluffy balls" or "wolf testicles". I was at a party on my friend's terrace and everyone who arrived was in awe. "Did you see the sky?" Well yes, we're on a terrace.
For more photos, click here.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Since no one answered the weather challenge but Jonah and I've lost interest in waiting a whole five days to see if anyone else takes a guess, I'm going to declare him the winner. But of what? As usual, please put your "other" options in the comments section.
If you haven't already heard, it's been raining in New York for about 237,889,664 days straight and everyone is getting kind of tired of it. What bothers me almost as much, however, is the lack of information we get from these people who make a living by convincing us they know what the weather is going to be like. This is the latest from 3 weather sources:
So that is why I'm announcing Tempy's first ever "Why Don't You Try To Predict The Weather" contest. Just email or send me a comment about what YOU think it will be like in the next 5 days, and whoever gets closest will win something awesome.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
My commercial agent needs a flair bartender. Quick- I have to learn how to do what I did for a living for 8 years but make it look fancy! Sadly, I may need some practice, but luckily there's some site with good tips. Like these, for example:
The golden rules of flair are:
1. Never make a guest wait because you’re flairing.
2. Train at home, perform at work. Don’t do moves you’re unsure of at work.
3. Never attempt risky moves if there are colleagues or guests nearby.
4. Never do flair involving fire.
Hmmm... the only tricks I know involve fire.
If You Havent Already Heard
And now, an open letter from Governor Mark Sanford to his family:
Hello, it's me again, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. I just wanted to apologize again in a very public manner to my family. I didn't think the news conference got to enough people, so I really want to go into great detail about my whereabouts.
I was in Argentina with my hot, young Argentinian lover.
I want to apologize again in great public display for humiliating my family, wife and sons. Now that all the emails are coming out, you'll see in great detail how we fell in love, beautiful, passionate love. You'll see me reference her curves and tan lines. It will be awkward. My poor wife will have to relive the pain over and over, every single day. Each day may be worse than the next, who knows. That is why I am making another public apology.
I will also be creating a Facebook page dedicated to my philanderings, so I can rehash exactly what happened when. For my family. There will also be bi-minute Twitter updates or "Tweets" about how difficult it must be to live through this. I will write them myself. I will also be constructing a website, www.WowThisMustBeReallyEmbarassingAndIAmSoSorry.com dedicated to an exact timeline of when my attraction to my wife slowly faded over time, and my desire for a hot, young Argentinian girl began. My wife doesn't deserve such behavior that was spurred by no fault of her own, just nature's great miracle of a female aging process which is common, and causes sagging breasts, weight gain and wrinkles. She's just a woman for godsakes. An older, mature, pre-menopausal mother of my four kids. Which is why her lady parts also aren't as tight as they used to be. Unlike my Argentinian mistress, who is taut in many many places, as you'll see in my many references to her once all the emails are distributed, via flier and emails, to every citizen of this great country.
Again, I am sorry. You don't deserve this. I am such a jerk. A jerk with a hot girlfriend.
Governor Mark Sanford
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
I may be a lot of things, but if there's one thing I am, it's mildly into exercise. I usually go to the gym a couple times a week and work on my hot body. Ok, ok, I'll admit, I've gained about 10 lbs. since those days where my diet consisted of coffee and cigarettes, but now that I'm healthier I still have to "move around". So today instead of going to the gym, I walked over the Brooklyn Bridge to work. Yes, it took me only 50 mins. from home to Manhattan- then I hopped on the express train because there's no way in heck I am walking all the way up to the Upper East Side. Either way, it was awesome. I will definitely be doing it more often if anyone wants to join me.
Monday, June 22, 2009
I'm having one of my epic allergic attacks which means I needed to take a Claritin redi-tab my boss happened to have. I've never taken one before and it dissolves in your mouth. For those of you that don't know, my last big attack landed me in an emergency room via an ambulance so they've learned to take these things seriously. My boss is now overly cautious.
Bosslady: You sure you're okay?
Me: Yeah, you'd know if I wasn't.
Me: I'd stop yapping and it would be strangely quiet in this office.
So I took the tab and it dissolved in under.004 seconds. Wow! Pretty powerful stuff. I hope this doesn't happen to me:
Did Twitter save Iran or did Iran save Twitter? That's one of the "Chicken and Egg" questions floating around today as thousands of pieces of information that normally would be blocked by the Iranian government are now available by Twitter. Remember what they say: You can't stop the tweet. As a result, we have more of an insight into what is going on during this tumultuous time.
Twitter. Who knew? For ages I just thought it was a tool to see in what stage of denial Lindsay Lohan was in about her breakup with Samantha Ronson. I mean, I love me some techno-trash but even I couldn't get into Twitter. Seeing as how it has become such a powerful tool for these young rebels, can you imagine what would happen if Twitter was around during, say, the French Revolution?
Friday, June 19, 2009
Good Morning Office
I'm not normally the first one here, but Hyper Lady is on vacation so today I was. It was quite strange to turn everything on- I felt like I was awakening a large living creature. It was so magical and inspiring. So I wrote this.
Good Morning Office: An Ode To Being The First One At Work
Good morning office! How do you do?
It's time to wake up now. It's just me and you!
It seems so dark here. It's the early hour.
Let's flip on the lights. We have to save power!
Ah, yes here's the light switch. But why won't it work?
If I weren’t patient, I would go berserk
First there's the dimmer. And lights are flicked on.
It should be quite simple- what went so wrong?
Look! I can see now! No more distress.
You see, to save power, there was another button to press.
Now off to the kitchen, for I need caffeine.
Who knew it would be so complex to go green.
Hello Mr. Kitchen! I gave you a masculine gender.
See Mrs. Coffee? I'm about to befriend her.
Good morn, coffee pot! Don't you look quite nice.
With coffee so good, I might visit twice!
In with the filter and water and grounds
I am glad we got coffee by the pounds and pounds.
And how good it smells! And I am in luck!
For this poem was brought to you by Starbucks.
And now to computer. Hello there, good sir.
I see you a lot, and I know you concur.
So let's turn you on. There's a big day ahead
Of Google and Facebook and my favorite: DListed.
Well my day has begun now, what fun it has been!
We've got a full office - my co-workers are in.
So I hope you all slept well, now time to work!
Good morning office. I have too much time on my hands.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
My Lovely Llama Lumps
To be sung to the tune of the Black Eyed Peas', "Lady Lumps"
What you gon' do with all that clump?
That sexy fur clump on your rump?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my lump.
My lump, my lump, my lump, my lump, my lump,
My lump, my lump, my lump, my lovely llama lumps (Check it out)
I drive these mammals crazy,
I do it on the daily,
They treat me really nicely,
They grass they buy is pricey.
I lay here in the sunshine,
Y'all looking at my behind
Hot wool, son, I be wearing
That got them brothers staring
That fur I got is re-al,
Don't keep it on the D-L,
Men tripped up by my powers,
I'm laying in the flowers
You wish you could get with me
Hanging by the fir tree
Straight up you keep on dreamin'
I got the fellas screamin'
What you gon' do with all that clump?
That sexy fur clump on your rump?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my lump.
My lump, my lump, my lump, my lump (what).
My lump, my lump, my lump, my lovely llama lumps (Check it out)
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Palin4Pres2012 (11:51:37 AM): That you dave?
D_Letterman (11:52:19 AM): aw jeez
Palin4Pres2012 (11:52:28 AM): what in the hey does our lord and personal savior JC have to do with this? Hahhahha! Just sayin' hi!
D_Letterman (11:52:29 AM): yeah hey
Palin4Pres2012 (11:52:31 AM): whoo!
Palin4Pres2012 (11:52:33 AM): whatta week
Palin4Pres2012 (11:52:36 AM): hahah!
Palin4Pres2012 (11:52:45 AM): thx for the apology
D_Letterman (11:52:50 AM): sure
Palin4Pres2012 (11:52:55 AM): good thing to know you are sorry bout wantin' to have sex with my 7 year old daugghtrer! HAHHAHA!
D_Letterman (12:40:10 PM): What?
Palin4Pres2012 (12:40:19 PM): LOL!!!!!!1111
D_Letterman (12:40:23 PM): Wait, seriously?
D_Letterman (12:40:48 PM): That's messed up.
Palin4Pres2012 (12:40:55 PM): oh just jokin' witchya
D_Letterman (12:41:03 PM): oh, ok
D_Letterman (12:41:10 PM): wow that was so funny
Palin4Pres2012 (12:41:16 PM): it's a good thing yor're not a homo
Palin4Pres2012 (12:41:19 PM): cuz then I'd hafta keep my eye on Trig!
D_Letterman (12:41:30 PM): okay, that's disgusting. I'm a parent too.
D_Letterman (12:41:34 PM): and the joke was about
Palin4Pres2012 (12:41:37 PM): ono I think yer perverted! HAHHAHAH! LOLOLOOOOOROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!
D_Letterman (12:41:37 PM): too bad your daughters had to be involved
Palin4Pres2012 (12:41:41 PM): what'd you say?
D_Letterman (12:42:05 PM): you can read it right there. This is IM.
D_Letterman (12:42:09 PM): really
Palin4Pres2012 (12:42:14 PM): Did you say
D_Letterman (12:42:14 PM): oh man
D_Letterman (12:42:32 PM): seriously?
Palin4Pres2012 (12:42:39 PM): well that's just a fine how do ya do!
D_Letterman (12:42:50 PM): …………
There's a girl in DC I have become acquainted with because she has my name. Well, the same name with one letter off, and therefore, she receives a lot of my emails by accident. We have since become Facebook buddies and occasionally pal around, as one would do on the F'book (I just made that abbreviation up. Use it often and credit me).
The other day on her page she said she would "bake cookies for whoever can come up with the best title for a paper on gender and the extractive industries." Oh, did I mention she was smart? Her profile pic is her sitting at a huge DEFCON 5 computer setup or something like that. Also she went to Harvard. Anyway, not to be outdone by her actual friends that she has physically encountered in the real world, I sent some suggestions:
"Extractor? I Barely Even Know Her!: An Exploration Of Female Absence in the Oil Gas and Mining Industry"
"You Make Me Feel Like A Natural (Resources) Woman"
"He's Just Not That Into You Working In This Industry"
"The FemMining Mystique"
Guess what- I WON!!! Now I have to get the cookies from her. Hmmmm...
This is my hero of the day:
From the Smoking Gun- "A North Carolina man is facing criminal charges for creating an amusing piece of public art from construction barrels. Joseph Carnevale, 21, was nabbed Wednesday after a Raleigh Police Department investigation determined that he was responsible for the work constructed May 31 on a roadway adjacent to North Carolina State University. Carnevale was charged with misdemeanor larceny for allegedly building his orange monster from materials pilfered from a construction site."
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Where Is That Tempy?
Well I can FINALLY tell you all something now I have been dying to blog about but couldn't. I went to Vegas this weekend! I couldn't say anything because it was a surprise party for my friend's 40th and his cheeky wife managed to finagle all of his closest friends to fly out and surprise him. No, he's not from Vegas either- Brooklyn proper. So imagine the look on his face when he walked into the dining room of this fancy restaurant and we were all there. It was fantastic.
Now, this guy, let's call him "Satthew", reads my blog on occasion and so I couldn't say anything about being away for a few days, where I was going or the fact that there is a surprise party, because any of those things just might tip him off. He's clever, that one. And his wife, let's call her "Mamantha", would check my blog regularly just to be sure.
Do you know how hard it is not to tell anyone that you are gtoing to Las Vegas? I swear the first thing I wanted to do after I booked my ticket was tell the world. All I could manage to do was a measly Facebook post asking if anytone had gold heels size 7 to match my sparkly gold Vegas dress. (I got the heels).
I have so much to tell you about it, but first I just want to apologize to those who didn't know I was away and so kindly asked me over for dinner, or anyone who were all, "Where Tempy at?" Sorry. I was sworn to secrecy.
While rereading this, I realized I really like the name Mamantha.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
So Miss California Carrie Whatsherface got fired and who cares? Apparently everybody. Seriously guys, her 15 minutes were up 16 minutes ago.
Now they are releasing emails between her and management. This snippet is my favorite:
"You do not cooperate with me, and you pick and chose the the things YOU want me to do. That is not happening anymore. Stop speaking for me. I have MY own voice. What are u gonna do fire me for volunteering for the special olympics hahaha ur crazy No I am doing this appearance. You do not need details. Its for the SPECIAL OLYMPICS!!! You just need to know I will be doing it alright."
Actually Carrie, as a contractually bound puppet you have to get appearances to the bathroom approved. That being said, you'll still always have more fame and money than me.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
So I go to 2 more Duane Reades. No beach balls. Then I hit a CVS and I see this:
I think, amazing, fantastic, an aisle of beach balls, which is nicely denoted by... beach balls.
Guess what? No beach balls.
Oh, they had floaties and flippy floppies and towels and chairs and beds, but no balls. I finally get a CVS employee and he goes, "Aw, no. We don't have beach balls." And I'm all, "But you've got like, three hanging from the ceiling."
"Those are for decoration."
"Decorating for what?"
"The beach aisle. But you'll find no beach balls here. Those are only at the 42nd street location."
So let me get this straight- beach balls, while existing for decor, can only be bought at another location. It's like having a huge Snickers sign on the door only to find out there is just a person there directing you to the nearest location to buy Snickers.
Now I want chocolate.
If you haven't yet seen this and can get through the Lexus commercial, this is Stephen Colbert debating Stephen Colbert in Iraq in front of service members about the Don't Ask Don't Tell Policy:
|The Colbert Report||Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c|
|Formidable Opponent - Don't Ask, Don't Tell|
My assignment the last few days? Buying beach balls. Ask me how many stores I have gone to. Did you know beach balls are actually really hard to find? I didn't. I'm off soon to roam the city for some more balls. I found two at the CVS near my house but they need four.
For the record, I also have a BA in Communication from a prestigious liberal arts college, am a classically trained actor and maybe soon to be published writer. Just so you know. Now I'm off to buy beach balls. I'm not complaining- I really like my job. I just don't know why it's so damn hard for me to find a beach ball.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Ferrari For Hire
Have you ever thought, hey, I want to ride around in a Ferrari with a douchebag with a guitar? Me Too! Thankfully there's this guy.
Saved By Mark Paul Gosselaar
This is, by far, the BEST thing Mark Paul Gosselaar has ever done since he added that extra "a" to his last name.
Monday, June 08, 2009
In the "We Couldn't Make This Up If We Tried" category, Lindsay Lohan had a fit and curled up in a ball this weekend at a place called the the "Cuckoo Club". I mean really, this stuff is just writing itself.
That reminds me of the time Britney Spears' top fell off at an appearance at the "I'm A Mess Pavilion and Mini- Mall" or when Michael Jackson tripped down a flight of stairs in the "I Love Children A Little Too Much Bar & Grill".
Tons Of Food/Fun
I didn't know, until it actually happened, that I could consume as much food as I had this weekend. It seemed like every day was a BBQ because, well, there was. I ended up in my bed late last night in a food coma, dreaming about finger food. I am only recalling now that I had a full on phone conversation with a neighbor about a key exchange from my weekend cat sitting duties, and somehow the conversation lasted half an hour. I probably gave up my social security number and PIN to my bank card I was so out of it.
On a completely unrelated note, every time my co-worker walks by I have to stop myself from staring. It's bad enough that he's about 5 feet tall and has this sturdy short man swagger, but today he's wearing this 1950's blue bowling/golf shirt and blue jeans. He looks like a miniature Mr. Cleaver doing chores on a Saturday, I'm serious. I just want to buy him one of those Fisher Price mini-mowers, sprinkle the office with grass and watch him go.
Friday, June 05, 2009
An Englishman On My Roof
Yesterday my next door neighbor informs me that the schizophrenic woman who lives downstairs is at it again. This time, she blocked him in the hallway and started saying that Sting, yes, the artist Sting, was on the roof and refused to get down. Apparently I was up there too with Arianna Huffington. Then she said she called the police and my neighbor said, "Wait, do you mean the police, or like, the band The Police?"
She says, and I'm not making any of this up:
Thursday, June 04, 2009
So I was borrowing some Fed Ex slips from my friend's office upstairs, and there's these two high level security guards by the door with the earpieces and whatnot, and I just walked right by them, which is weird, because they asked everyone else for ID. Maybe it's because today I'm wearing jeans and look like I work in the mailroom. Anyway, we don't yet know who it is but it's someone in the government. But the security detail isn't that great so it can't be someone that high up. I'll keep you posted.
So I'm on Virtual Fortune Cookie and I get this:
"Dream your dream and your dream will dream of you"
What in the heck does that supposed to mean? Will the person I'm dreaming about have a dream of me and if that's the case, what if it's a nightmare? And what about those dreams where you fly? I'm confused. Will said air dream right back at me? Even if it's a daydream, I can tell you right now my co-workers pizza is not thinking of me no matter how long I stare at it. So I opened another one:
"Let your heart make your decisions - it does not get as confused as your head "
What in the balls is that supposed to mean? If I only listened to my heart I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to pay my rent or eat. I need some rationality, people. Here's the next one:
"Romance follows you if you can only see it"
Whoa whoa whoa... how are you supposed to see what is following you? I think Peter Pan had the same problem with his/her shadow. And even though Peter Pan is a dude, why is he always played by a woman? Okay, last one:
"Being happy is not always being perfect"
Well no s@#t, Virtual Cookie, like I need you to tell me that. That's what good wine is for.
Feel free to make your own here.
Breathe Deeply And Calm Down
Did you know there's a show on the Discovery Health channel called, "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"? Well there is. It's part documentary/part re-enactment and it tells the story of intelligent, able bodied people who honest to god did not know they were pregnant until they go into labor. What makes this even more disturbing is that not only is there more than one episode, there are enough of these stories for a marathon of them. I must have watched three episodes the other night straight through and the look on my face was frozen in that "I am fascinated yet terrified all at the same time" kind of way.
I told my co-workers about it and now everyone thinks they are pregnant.
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Two things happened simultaneously on the train this morning that made me smile. 1. The young man in a business suit next to me reading "The Complete Idiot's Guide To Writing a Novel" and 2. The older guy in a business suit on the other side of me blaring Kris Allen's version of Heartless from his iPod.
Nature Vs. Nurture vs. Dressy
It's amazing what happens when you run a comb through your hair.
You see, there's this study that says once a month, when women are their most fertile, they unintentionally dress like ho's. Let me rephrase that- they dress to attract the opposite sex in hopes of getting impregnated and furthering the human race. Again, this is all subconscious and based on evolution. Case in point- I actually took some care in my appearance today and I took one look in the mirror and realized that while I looked nice, I was sure showing more leg than usual. That's when I remembered the study. Who knows if it's my cycle, my hormones or the fact that every now and again I want to remind people I'm a girl, but it really is a fascinating theory. Now to be fair, I look great every day because I have a natural beauty and shine at all times that glows longer and brighter than the sun shower that bathed baby Jesus on the day of his birth, but believe it or not you'll normally find me in jeans.
So today I'll be spending most of the day avoiding street grates, crossing my legs and admiring my creamy white thighs. Maybe tomorrow I'll be in a potato sack covered with a barrel and top it off with rain boots. I like to keep people guessing.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Okay everyone. Hide the kids, grab a drink and take a seat. You're gonna thank me. Are we all sitting? I have some news.
American Idol's Adam Lambert may be a homosexual.
Now before you hit the roof throw things in shock and amazement, hear me out. After his sexuality was kept a secret to keep it from swaying the teen heartthrob vote, (although young girls will always fall for gay men no matter what you tell them), he is now able to be himself. Word on the street is that he will be coming out in an article in Rolling Stone. OMG that's going to be such a surprise.
Who knew? I mean we saw all those pictures on the net and yesterday he was snapped holding hands with a guy, and he loves musical theater and wears makeup, but who doesn't? Gosh. This can't be true. Can it?
My boss's garage rent every month is about $900. I finally said something.
Me: Your car's apartment must be very nice.
Bosslady: It's ridiculous. My whole life is ridiculous.
Monday, June 01, 2009
As most of you know, I have my finger on the pulse of the world due to a tad of downtime at my job. I'll be the first to report any breaking news about celebs and politicians, I'm down with all the cool new videos and I have somehow accessed and posted many private IM conversations. So it shouldn't surprise you that I have the inside scoop of NBC's new sitcom lineup.
Looks like a little show based on Bristol Palin and Meghan McCain is in the works and boy am I excited. It's tentatively called Elephant in the Room and the premise is this: Two daughters of well known GOP politicians are forced to live together, but they are totally different! One has a baby out of wedlock but preaches abstinence and the other is a real party animal who believes in sex education. And get this- their gay Latino-Eskimo-American neighbor is a democrat! Pobo doesn't care if his music is too loud or his parties are too rocking. In fact, the Bristol character usually has to drag the Meghan character out of the parties! What an insensitive roomie!
Here's a snippet of the pilot:
BRISTOL: Good morning Meghan. When did you get in?
MEGHAN: An hour ago. I stayed over at Jummy's because I was having a lot of sex.
BRISTOL: Oh dear!
MEGHAN: Hey, I used protection. Unlike SOME people. Speaking of which, how's your BABY?
BRISTOL: Oh, he's fine. He's seeing his daddy today.
MEGHAN: Cool. Yeah, if I had a baby, which I don't, I totally wouldn't know who to bring it to for visitation since I have so much sex with so many different people.
BRISTOL: Oh, honestly.
MEGHAN: Hey, speaking of many partners, I hear Pobo might be getting married.
BRISTOL: Well he only has four ststes to choose from.
MEGHAN: I'm gonna go take a nap. Try to keep that baby quiet.