Weekend Business

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay y'all, you have plans this weekend? I do. Too many of them! But that's cool because it's my birthday Monday, have I mentioned that? Extra points for the most creative birthday ecard.

Anyone? Anyone?

Curious octopus floods aquarium

Did anyone else at first read that thinking it said the Octomom flooded an aquarium? Just me?

Happy Day

I finally figured out what to do on my birthday y'all. Now all I have to do is wait for someone to get me this.

Which One Is Your Favorite?

Okay, I just got this in an email and it is AWESOME.

"Ben & Jerry created 'Yes Pecan!' ice cream flavor for Obama.

They then asked people to fill in the blank for the following: For George W. they created '_________'.

Here are some of their favorite responses:

- Grape Depression

- Abu Grape

- Cluster Fudge

- Nut'n Accomplished

- Iraqi Road

- Chock 'n Awe

- WireTapioca

- Impeach Cobbler

- Guantanmallow

- imPeachmint

- Good Riddance You Lousy Motherfucker... Swirl

- Heck of a Job, Brownie!

- Neocon Politan

- RockyRoad to Fascism

- The Reese's-cession

- Cookie D'oh!

- The Housing Crunch

- Nougalar Proliferation

- Death by Chocolate... and Torture

- Freedom Vanilla Ice Cream

- Chocolate Chip On My Shoulder

- You're Shitting In My Mouth And Calling It A Sundae

- Credit Crunch

- Mission Pecanplished

- Country Pumpkin

- Chunky Monkey in Chief

- George Bush Doesn't Care About Dark Chocolate

- WMDelicious

- Chocolate Chimp

- Bloody Sundae

- Caramel Preemptive Stripe

- I broke the law and am responsible for the deaths of thousands...with nuts"

The Branded

It's my birthday soon you guys and I think someone should buy me this.

Wealthy. Crazy.

Oh, good, a new job.

Oh Charlie

It's weird, I can actually picture these guys as two old men at a bar. I recently hung out with a 2 year old whose mother is British and father is American, and he's got the cutest little 1/2 accent. You haven't lived 'till you've seen him say, "Rooma Boomba!":

Idol Out

I know I said I'd live blog American Idol last night but I didn't get home 'till late so here is my live blog of the pre recorded DVR of American Idol last night:

10:00 pm - Blah blah, Seacrest IN!
10:04 pm - Jasmine Murray aka cute girl who is 17 sings “Love Song” as in "I'm not gonna write you one". It's ok and I can't stop staring at her jacket.
10:14 pm - Matt Giraud does his best "Viva la Vida". I find the fur on my dog's underbelly to be more fascinating. My dog agrees and he rolls over so I can rub his belly.
10:16 pm - My dog is now looking at me with the "wild eye". He's about to start barking because I stopped petting him.
10:18 pm - HOLY SMOKES A COCA COLA COMMERCIAL WHO KNEW WOW I HAD NO IDEA THEY WERE THE SPONSOR.
10:22 pm - I give my dog some rice.
10:25 pm - Jeanine Vailes is someone I'm not familiar with and is singing some Maroon 5 song. I go check my Gmail.
10:26 pm - Paula's vicodin kicks in.
10:26 pm - The judges are listening to the sound of their own voice.
10:29 pm - Oh look, someone commented on my status update.
10:30 pm - I'm back on the couch. The dog looks up and then stretches back again.
10:32 pm - Why the heck isn't my couch bigger?
10:35 pm - My apartment is long, I can fit a nice couch.
10:35 pm - Nick Mitchell!
10:41 pm - Wow- it's weird when I watch him perform and think that's what I look like on a regular night of karaoke at the local bar.
10:46 pm - I'm hungry.
10:48 pm - Allison Iraheta must be on drugs. She looks very confused.
10:50 pm - Wow, she's actually really good.
10:52 pm - What's in my fridge?
10:53 pm - I can't walk by the computer without checking the Huffington Post.
10:54 pm - Yeah, Bobby Jindall's speech was really bad.
10:57 pm - Oh look, the Obamas chose a dog.
10:58 pm - I think I'm going to heat up that seitan chicken and make myself a sandwich.
11:01 pm - Oh good, I have mayo.
11:01 pm - OK Jesse, you can have a piece of bread.
11:06 pm - Megan Corkrey’s aka Edie Brickell is on. I think she kind of sux but everyone loves her cuz she's hot. Oh well.
11:11 pm - Chicken's heated up.
11:15 pm - That was a delicious sandwich.
11:16 pm - Matt Breitzke. OK.
11:19 pm - Paula's deteriorating.
11:21 pm - Jesse Langseth does “Bette Davis Eyes.” She is cute and weird.
11:23 pm - Someone get the other judges what Paula is on.
11:24 pm - I'm officially bored.
11:32 pm - Oh look it's Kai Kalama to spice up the evening. Seriously this guy has about as much personality as a bag of potatoes. He is singing “What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted?”
11:37 pm - I really want this to be over.
11:39 pm - Oh, hi, Jesse. Yeah we can go out for a night pee.
11:42 pm - Blah blah Mishavonna Henson singing "Drops of Jupiter”.
11:44 pm - Is Ryan Seacrest getting shorter?
11:46 pm - Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. I wonder if there's more chicken.
11:47 pm - Nah, all out.
11:51 pm - Adam Lambert aka Emo Broadway sings “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction”. Eh, it's obviously all about the end note and guyliner. You can't fool me, Adam- I know you were in Wicked.
11:56 pm - Ok almost done.
11:57 pm - Thank god. OK so here's my prediction for top 3: Adam Lambert, Allison Iraheta and Matt Giraud. Or at least that's what DialIdol.com says.

Whine Whine

I don't understand why, if I order wine from upstate NY, it has to go through New Jersey to end up back in NY. I've been tracking it and it is now in Secaucus, probably sucking up toxic fumes and getting knocked up. Dammnit.

Nice Sign

Amen.

Mail Bag

One of the perks of my job is that I can have a little fun with the bosses every now and again. See, my Bosslady has an issue where this fan guy keeps writing her letters, and she (me) wrote him back once, but then he sent her a birthday card.

We decided a short, little thank you note would be okay. So I made a card that said,

"Thank you so much for the birthday card! I really appreciate all of your letters and look forward to continuing our correspondence. If you are ever in town, please feel free to visit me at home at [home address]. With great and growing affection, [Bosslady]."

Luckily she got the joke. In reality the one I sent was one line, "Thank you for the birthday card! Best..."

Speaking of birthday's, I hear mine is coming up and I think it's about time I start reminding everyone.

No Privacy

Remember this guy?

Tasty Fashion

You guys, my birthday is coming up next week and this is what my ex-bosslady just told me she's getting me. Vicodin earrings, y'all! They're gorgeous. They'll look even better in my bloodstream.

Work Out

My friend who works next door took a picture of this this weekend.

The Kids Really Are Cute

All I could think when the cast of Slumdog Millionaire took the stage last night was that Angelina Jolie must have been looking at the children and thinking, "And I want that one and that one..."

But seriously, I'm feeling a little bit ill because yesterday I had OSCAR FEVER. Kidding, I actually couldn't care less. I did appreciate Ben Stiller as Joaquin Phoenix- that was amazing. For any of you who missed it, here it is. You better watch it now before youtube pulls it down.

It's Fun at the Office

This an email thread that just happened between myself and a co-worker:

Him: What are you getting for lunch?

Me: Grilled cheese and fries. American lunch, son.

Him: I'll get hot pastrami sandwich, Mutli grain bread, Deli mustard. Add air baked fries unless you want to split yours…

Me: I’m an American. I don’t split no fries.

Him: Let’s go buy a giant house we can’t afford.

Me: Nice- and I’ll have 14 kids I cant take care of.

Him: Bring them over to play with my chimpanzee.

Me: Ok but leave the firearms out where the kids can see them.

Old Guy

Um... ok as you all know my dog is getting older and he's been really weird and talks a lot now, has breathing issues, gets sick more often and is a general overall asshole. I took him to the vet recently for a tune up and she says that he is doing just great, lumps and all. Oh, did I mention he has lumps all over his body? He does. So I get this email from the ASPCA about older dogs.

"What Symptoms Should I Be Concerned About in My Older Dog? If you notice any unusual symptoms, please don’t wait for your regularly scheduled checkup to see your vet. Call right away. Symptoms to watch out for and promptly report include incontinence, lumps, constipation or diarrhea, shortness of breath, coughing, weakness, unusual discharges, changes in weight, appetite, urination or water intake, stiffness or limping, increased vocalization and uncharacteristic aggression or significant behavior change."

Um, pu-scuse me? All you need to do is tack on "bad breath" and "intolerance to As Seen On TV Pet Aids" and you've just summed up my dog.

Words Words!

Uh oh- I don't know what this scrabble board is trying to tell me.

Bye Good

Ladies and gentleman, Joaquin Phoenix has officially made it into the halls of Dickipedia.

Now That's a Real Party

I just got the best invite to a kid's birthday party. After saying specifically not to bring the child gifts because he has enough from the family, they reiterated:

"If you bring the kid a gift we will sell it and use the money to buy alcohol."

God, I love my grown up friends.

Idol President

Palin4Pres2012 (10:53:06 AM): Haaaaaaaaaaaay Tatiana!

Palin4Pres2012 (10:53:21 AM): saw u on the TV last nite so sorry!

AmericanIdolTatiana2009 (10:53:22 AM): Who is this?

Palin4Pres2012 (10:53:30 AM): Sarah Palin

Palin4Pres2012 (10:53:43 AM): Gov of Alaska

AmericanIdolTatiana2009 (10:53:46 AM): no

AmericanIdolTatiana2009 (10:53:51 AM): dunno

Palin4Pres2012 (10:53:53 AM): I ran for VP

AmericanIdolTatiana2009 (10:53:59 AM): wait are u that girl who cried in New hampshire

Palin4Pres2012 (10:54:01 AM): no that was Hillary

AmericanIdolTatiana2009 (10:54:01 AM): sorry I'm not into politix

Palin4Pres2012 (10:54:04 AM): hahah! You were robbed last nite

AmericanIdolTatiana2009 (10:54:04 AM): I KNOW RIGHT

Palin4Pres2012 (10:54:07 AM): listen, us gals gotta stick 2gether

AmericanIdolTatiana2009 (10:54:08 AM): you sing too?

AmericanIdolTatiana2009 (10:54:12 AM): I'm really really good. I begged Jesus to give me another chance and I think he will

Palin4Pres2012 (10:54:12 AM): HAHHAHAHHAHAHHA Jesus is awful bizee! He's got some doors to open for me! Hahha!

Palin4Pres2012 (10:54:21 AM): u know, in case God wants me to be Pres.

AmericanIdolTatiana2009 (10:54:29 AM): No, I think he's been real busy working on me so

Palin4Pres2012 (10:54:32 AM): hahhahha

Palin4Pres2012 (10:54:34 AM): not true

AmericanIdolTatiana2009 (10:54:39 AM): who are you again? I'm Tatiana Del Toro and I'm the best singer in the world

Palin4Pres2012 (10:54:42 AM): well I'm the GOVERNOR of ALASKA and I almost became PRESIDENT and I think I've got a little more experience on you in the GOD department

Palin4Pres2012 (10:55:03 AM): ok? Hahhahahah!

AmericanIdolTatiana2009 (10:55:28 AM): Whatever, old lady.

AmericanIdolTatiana2009 (10:55:35 AM): God wants me to win

Palin4Pres2012 (10:55:49 AM): No God wants ME to win

AmericanIdolTatiana2009 (10:57:39 AM): but u don't sing

AmericanIdolTatiana2009 (10:57:41 AM): right?

Palin4Pres2012 (10:57:44 AM): As President you little twit

AmericanIdolTatiana2009 (10:57:44 AM): that's like, 25353345 years from now

Palin4Pres2012 (10:57:48 AM): no it's 3

AmericanIdolTatiana2009 (10:57:57 AM): you'll be in a wheelchair by then and I'll be an Idol

Palin4Pres2012 (10:58:17 AM): oh ur funny!!!

Palin4Pres2012 (10:59:34 AM): ok hahha

Palin4Pres2012 (10:59:36 AM): LOOKS LIKE GOD IS TESTING ME AGAIN!

AmericanIdolTatiana2009 (10:59:46 AM): you're crazy

Palin4Pres2012 (10:59:52 AM): You're calling ME crazy?

AmericanIdolTatiana2009 (10:59:56 AM): yes

Palin4Pres2012 (11:00:01 AM): Whoa… Tatiana, seriously?

AmericanIdolTatiana2009 (11:00:03 AM): ya I'm the sane one

Palin4Pres2012 (11:00:06 AM): Tatiana, um, really?

AmericanIdolTatiana2009 (11:00:10 AM): I can feel the love tonight. Elton John will be dancing at my coronation.

Palin4Pres2012 (11:00:12 AM): oh dear

Mucho Stress

Because of the Madoff scandal, everyone is feeling it here. Our auditors are forced to work twice as hard to please everyone and proove that we are NOT a giant Ponzi scheme and that is making my job just that much harder. Oh, who am I kidding, I still don't really do anything here, but everyone else is sweating. Good thing I am leaving early to go to the tooth doctor. Wait... is that good? Either way, my Facebook Lexulous game is ruined.

Family Matters

Lets see... do you think I should put this on my Netflix queue? Yes, that is Jaleel White. And yes, he DID do that.

An Announcement

Since you asked for it (even though you didn't), by popular demand (also not true), I will be live blogging Tuesday's American Idol (I will probably forget) so remember to check back Wednesday, Idol fans (I mean there is a chance I may if I have nothing else planned that night but then again I may so who knows)!

I'M TIRED

So I'm pretty convinced that my dog is the canine version of Benjamin Button because he's slowly turning into a freaking baby. Now that the Doggy Steps™ are just out of the question he has to sleep on his special chair, but halfway through the night he cries because he wants to get into bed and he probably wants to breastfeed. Today I'll probably buy him his own big bed with a goddamn mobile and binkey. Little bitch.

Wha Wha

Ho boy, quarterly letters are a bitch. I swear, when I do longer than an hour's worth of solid work here, I sure get cranky. Thank god there's leftover chocolate cake.

Also, The Sky is Blue

Rut roh- Bristol Palin went on the Fox News to talk about how abstinence no workey. That's kind of like having a shop teacher with missing fingers say bandsaws might be dangerous.

Mmm Bacon

Okay, I'll try a small order of the cheddar chowder with double smoked bacon.

Searched Engine

Good morning! Did you all have a nice weekend? I had a great weekend, actually. I finally got to see Slumdog Millionaire and man, it was awesome. Did I cry at the end? Sure, but real women cry at movies while clutching a guy's arm, am I right, ladies? All in all it was a great solid three days. Maybe not as eventful as Raymi's weekend, but lovely nonetheless.

So this is funny- I got this article from my new friend who works at google. If you type in, "Why do I have", it fills in the top most searched items with that sentence. The most popular one is "Why do I have no friends". This is not made up- try it yourself.

That's It

So... this boy became a dad at 13.

Have a great weekend.

Gotchya! Oh.

There is a REALLY awkward practical joke about to happen that I have nothing to do with. Basically our new co-worker was nervous all week about taking this potential client out to lunch today, so another co-worker thought it would be funny to pretend that he sent her flowers when she came back from lunch. So she's gonna come in thinking this beautiful bouquet is from her husband, which it will not be, which is doubly awkward because it's almost Valentine's Day so it should be from her husband. Plus it won't even be from the client. It will be... from us. Ha ha!

Let the fun begin. I am proud to say if it were a joke I came up with it would be 10x funnier and much less uncomfortable.

My Talented Friends

This is my friend Molly's story about Valentines day in her stand up act. She's pretty awesome.

And may I remind some of you out there who knew me in college that yes, the grunge chick liberal arts look is and always will be in, thank you very much. Molly just pulls it off better than I did. Enjoy.

Happy... Uh...

Hmmm... it's hard enough buying Valentine's cards for young boys but for the nannies? Surprisingly there's no nanny section. There is, however, a section for Valentine's Day cards in Spanish but I didn't think that would be appropriate.

Saint Who

According to Wikipedia's definition of Valentine's Day: "In the West, it is the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sending Valentine's cards, presenting flowers, or offering confectionery."

I love that, presenting flowers or offering confectionery, like this is a religious service as opposed to an incredibly marketable holiday. Shoot, I already sent my Valentine a dirty Ecard this week- keeping it classy ladies. But just who was St. Valentine, and why did he totally get that chicks love attention?

Again, according to Wikipedia, "Numerous early Christian martyrs were named Valentine. Until 1969, the Catholic Church formally recognized eleven Valentine's Days. The Valentines honored on February 14 are Valentine of Rome and Valentine of Terni. Valentine of Rome was a priest in Rome who suffered martyrdom about AD 269 and was buried on the Via Flaminia. His relics are at the Church of Saint Praxed in Rome."

Uh... what? That doesn't really explain why Valentine's Day is linked to cherubic babies with wings and arrows. I mean, since when has the Catholic church ever associated its members with underage boys, am I right? This is confusing.

Research later goes on to blame Chaucer and Shakespeare, but I think they get enough heat for a lot of things. No, I think we can all agree that Valentine's Day just sort of evolved from a bizarre religious event to where it is now: a day to drain the wallets of both couples and pissed off singles. Either way, Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go shopping for my boss's kids, because nothing says love like the sweat and labor of your assistant.

Do You Believe In This

I cannot get this guy's version of Cher's Believe out of my head and I think you should have the same problem.

Interesting Factoids

I need to talk to you for one second about this mom that gave birth to 8 kids. There's a picture of her pregnant belly right now on TMZ and it's so ridiculous I cannot even post it here as I care about you. Let me just say this- wow.

Now this case fascinates me because it brings to light a lot of ethical questions. Is it okay to implant even one embryo when a woman is clearly insane and has 6 kids at home, let alone eight embryos? And going the other way around, who can tell a person whether or not they should/can have kids? If that doctor hadn't done it, she may have found someone who would. Or not, I have no idea. It blows my mind. But what really freaks me out is that I know people who resemble the pregnant picture of the octuplet mom, but they're dudes and their bellies are swollen from beer, not babies.

Factoid of the day! Did you know that a "Beer Belly" is actually caused when a long time drinker's liver starts to fail and circulation and filtration is impaired causing water to collect in the abdominal cavity? Sexy!

In The Way Before Time

Say what you want about Chris "Where's My Dinner Bitch" Brown, but the first time I saw him was this, and this is one talented young man:

Ortho Doggie

Oh man you guys- so I've decided that since my dog is now a cripple that I should just go ahead and buy him a nice orthopedic dog bed. There goes some more money! Oh, well. As long as he's comfortable that's all that matters. I called a place today called Pet Dreams and they had a few suggestions for me. And then I was all, "Hey, do you know that your company is called Pet Dreams and that's kind of weird?" And then I looked at my bank account and cried.

Me OW!

This is both beautiful and weird at the same time:



Also an update on Jesse- my dogwalker/friend is checking in on him and we'll know more this afternoon. If he's not better, well, let's just say his new nickname may have to be Old Yeller. KIDDING!

My Jesse

So my dog broke again today- his back legs went out as he tried to go up the stairs to the apartment. He's a 65 lb dog so he sure is heavy. I'm hoping it's just another one of his spells but if he doesn't get better I don't know what I'll do.

Medicinal Hazard

The DayQuil is kicking in. Just thought you should know in case you get any inappropriate text messages.

Nerdy McBartender

So a co-worker of mine is getting married and as an ex-bartender she asked me what I might consider reasonable for a wedding bar of 50-60 people. What do YOU guys think? (the prices are the total of that row- ie tequila 2 bottles at $50 = $25 per bottle.

Vodka 3 bottles cheap $80.00
Vodka 2 bottles nice $80.00
Gin 2 bottles $50.00
Rum 1 bottle $25.00
Tequila 2 bottles $50.00
Triple Sec 1 bottle $15.00
Scotch 1 bottle $50.00
Whiskey 1 bottle $45.00
Dry Vermouth 1 bottle (not too big) $10.00

Mixers
Coke 2 2 liter bottles $6.00
Diet Coke 2 2 liter bottles $6.00
Sprite 1 2 liter bottle $3.00
Seltzer 4 2 liter bottles $8.00
Tonic 3 2 liter bottles $6.00
OJ 2 cartons $6.00
Grapefruit 1 carton $3.00
Cranberry 3 bottles $9.00
Grenadine 1 bottle $5.00

Lemons 10, cut $4.00
Limes 15 cut $5.00
Olives – jar $4.00
Toothpicks $3.00
Cherries $3.00

White wine 7 bottles $70.00
Red wine 7 bottles $80.00
Champagne 8 bottles $100.00

Total = $726.00

Sneeze Cough

Rut roh. I think I'm getting a cold. I'd do my usual trick- Nyquil and a hot toddy, but I watched an episode of Intervention last night and I'm afraid I'll turn into that woman, screaming on her back porch, "Where are my BABIES?!?" Man it was brutal. More green tea, please.

Shut Up

Hey you guys, my day is half done and I just got here! A fun part about being an actor is getting up way super early for casting calls. Today was my first union call since I joined so there's all these rules and stuff because Equity people are PROFESH. Well, no, they're just actors with a bit more of an excuse to make demands. For example we get a lounge and a dressing room and free happy endings after every monologue from the casting monitor. But this was the best part- this sign:


The smoking, eating and drinking I can deal with but for the love of god, if I hear any scales or vocal warm ups involving primary colored pieces of leather, that's it.

Boring Stuff

Wow. Scanning sure is annoying when it is not old pictures of your friends.

Bacon Tastic

This weekend I went to a party with a chocolate fountain. It's amazing how creative one can get when given some booze, fruit, chips and a chocolate fountain. Oh, and there was also a smores maker but I cut out the middleman and just ate graham crackers and chocolate.

But the real star of the night were the bacon chocolate cupcakes. You heard me right. Bacon chocolate cupcakes. Look, I said it again.

You know what? I think everything is better with bacon. Including my blog.

Viva La Puppy

So this weekend I saved a puppy. I know, I know. It's a long story but I found this guy's puppy on the street and got him home. Look I saved a puppy- where's my Grammy? Oh, I know. Chris Martin stole it.

Jump It!

So as a lot of you know, I am clearly a 63 year old shut-in because I purchased those "As seen on TV" Doggy Steps™. You see, my dog only sleeps in the bed when invited, but there are times I don't mind him getting on and as such I want to have that option. Now since I purchased my new fabulous queen sized bed/mattress/love cushion, he can't get up without hurting himself from jumping.

The problem is, he had absolutely no idea how to use these steps and as the days progressed they became more and more attached with a negative experience- I'm forcing him on, he starts to cry, I start to yell and tell him how dumb he is, I swear our weekend was just like a regular night out with Chris Brown and Rihanna.

Finally by the time Sunday rolled around I figured out that they just weren't high enough. So I affixed part of a box to the bottom and well, you'll see the result. Now I just have to figure out a way to cover the bottom box so it at least looks nice. I smell a project! Anyway, I record these things for you, people. Enjoy.

Record This

I think I've figured out a way to teach my dog how to climb those freaking steps. Once I do, I think I might take another recording. What do you think? Ladies and gentlemen, it's poll time. Thank you, polldaddy.

Step Up

Operation Doggy Steps™ is a disaster. My dog normally cries and laments when he can't get on the new bed but the second I buy him these steps, he keeps walking around them. Oh, and he can magically jump on the bed when there's food involved- imagine that. Here's a video. Please feel free to at least admire my nice new sheets.

Jesus Juice

What's better about this- the dog, or the box of Riunite wine in the background?

I'll give you one guess. It ain't the dog.

Kool Koala

I wonder if someone could tell captain slushbucket that he is a koala, not a poster child for 1920's bath shot stock photography.

YOU HAVE BEEN REDIRECTED TO AMERICAN IDOL'S ANOOP DESAI UNOFFICIAL FANSITE. IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR FEELING TEMPY YOU WILL BE RE-RE-DIRECTED IN A FEW HOURS.

Hello Anoop Desai fans, you are in the right place! For the next few hours I am dedicating this entire blog to the awesomeness that is Anoop Desai. From his first audition to his exciting second, I'm hooked. You're my boy, Anoop.







The Anoop Dog in action:

Bzzzzzzzz Kidding!

Aw Bill Gates you are such a playful lug!

Bill Gates Playfully Frees Swarm of Mosquitoes

"'Malaria is spread by mosquitoes,' Gates said while opening a jar onstage at a gathering known to attract technology kings, politicians, and Hollywood stars.

'I brought some. Here I'll let them roam around. There is no reason only poor people should be infected.'

Gates waited a minute or so before assuring the audience the liberated insects were malaria-free."

What a lovable little guy! HAHAHAHA mosquitoes!

Hey, Gates- I don't know if everyone gives a crap about malaria. It's the sucking of blood, stinging and itchy hives that they may have a problem with. Gates then went on to rip open a box of killer bees, assuring the audience that only 14% of the crowd may be allergic.

Blarf Tastic

Do you HATE your girlfriend? Send her a Pajamagram. Look at how freaking gross the guys in this commercial are, especially the guy at the end. I don't know what I hate more- the nasty guys in this commercial or the actresses who pretend that they really love their stupid ugly pajamas.

Hedged Out

So one of the analysts here just sent a delivery guy back and forth in this weather because first the cottage cheese was bad and the second time because he didn't send re-send two fruit salads, just one. So she called to complain and I said, "Hope you like saliva with that fruit," so she cancelled.

Then I was IMing another co-worker about it and she said, "You can tell when someone has never worked in the food service industry." Not only that but lunches are free here, and we can order whatever we want from wherever we want so, relax. It's our boss's money that got wasted on bad cottage cheese. Then she said, "If the fund goes under THEY might have to get a job in a restaurant," and then I thought, that's IT! What a GREAT idea for a sitcom! 2 hedge fund mangers from riches to rags, pulling themselves back up by the bootstraps.

Better yet, they all have to live together and the two ex-managers now work in a restaurant, one ex-COO is a construction worker and the analysts have to work retail.

And the BEST role is the former admin (me) who also goes back to work in the restaurant, but is now the manager and bosses HER EX BOSSES around. Holy crap!

What should it be called?

Spin Zone

This kid is my freaking hero.

Nerd Alert

Well lookie here.

Masked Man Robs Convenience Store With Klingon Sword

But don't worry. Luckily the store clerk spoke Elvish and summoned Professor Dumbledore who rode in on a Hippogriff with Anakin Skywalker.

Those Who Can't Act, Do

So if you haven't heard, it's Tempy's Media Blitz Tour 2009 - getting out there meeting with casting directors and agents. It's such a fascinating world. I've never speed dated but I'm told it's a lot like that. You meet a lot of people who may or may not be into you, and that's just life. But yesterday I had a very strange experience in the hallway of the place of one meeting. I ran into a casting agent I had met a while ago and we got to chatting. After about 15 minutes of really interesting conversation about actors and agents and people and the business he goes to me, "How do you do it?" I told him I really enjoyed doing what I do. Even auditions to me are fun. Then he just looks away and goes, "I used to be an actor. I just couldn't deal with it. It's so hard out there. I could never do it again."

Que? I mean, I know that they say, "Those who can't do, teach," and I've never necessarily agreed with that, but then I thought about some actors I've known who are now casting agents or associates and some of this is making sense to me. That is not to say that all agents are ex-actors, but apparently a lot of them are. The same goes for reviewers. Very interesting.

Moral of the story? If you used to be an actor and now you are a casting director, don't tell an actor that you used to be an actor especially if that actor also keeps a blog. But seriously, I have a lot of respect for this guy. To be fair, he is an excellent casting director.

That's Security

"Me: Good morning.

Security Guard Downstairs: Good morning. You know, these past two weeks, there's something different about you.

Me: What, that I'm not drunk? Ha ha! Kidding.

SGD: No, seriously- it's something.

Me: Uh, good?

SGD: Oh, good. Reeeeeeeeeeeal good."

That is the LAST time I wear a bikini to work in this weather.

He's Old

Oh, it's happening, people. Tune in soon to see an exclusive video of my dog learning to use the steps.

Pub Quiz

So yesterday I played trivia at the bar I used to work at and guess what- my team won! There is a guy on my team who is ridiculously smart but I added a few value points. I mean, who else could name Britney Spears' controversial new single? Me, that's who.

Puxatawney Day

Puppy Bowl

Screw the Superbowl. This year it's all about the puppies:



Oh, and I am frightened of this cat: