Tempy

A day by day and often hourly account of a temp

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Tick Tick

Is it 5 yet? No?

Parrot Love

Watch this right now.

Cat and parrot

Kinda Weird

WEIRD ALERT!

So my male boss is taking a 29 year old female analyst here out to lunch and a movie. Man, the jokes have been FLYING around the office. But seriously, how creepy is that?

me (12:32:58 PM): I think I'd rather eat a bed of nails than go out w/him
other co-worker (12:33:06 PM): me too
me (12:33:12 PM): like, seriously
other co-worker (1:15:28 PM): in all honesty isn't it weird he asked her to do that, lunch and a movie
me (1:15:34 PM): um...
me (1:15:46 PM): YES

Debt Free

So you guys, it only took me like, 80,000,000 years but I am now officially out of credit card debt! I was about 12k in the hole as of a few years ago and for the last 5 I've been paying, consolidating, crunching, you name it. But now cc companies are so desperate to get ANYTHING I was able to even talk a few down to about half what I owe. Some are willing to forgo any finance charges just to get the base amount. Woo-hoo! I mean, I'm not rich- I currently have barely anything in savings. But at least I'm not in debt. Can you imagine if it was like it was way back when you had to go to debtors prison? The kicker is 95% of the country would be there.

I have to say, I'm not glad at all that people are losing their homes and are drowning in a system made to keep them down, but I think there is a lesson to be learned - we can't as a country or a people take what we cannot afford. It's the same mindset we've had with our last president, the "bomb first, ask questions later" approach. Well I think we've all learned a valuable lesson; I know I have. And I think unfortunately it will be a long time before I even entertain the idea of having a card not just for emergencies. Because sometimes it still feels like if I don't have that awesome dress, it is an emergency.

OK I did buy a new dress the other day but it was $24.

Monday, December 29, 2008

I Do

So I will be hosting a show on January 7th with Groinstrong's girlfriend, and since it is a dance related show, I have decided to wear this:


This is a Vera Wang wedding gown that once belonged to a friend of some lady here, and the woman brought it in to lend to someone here who didn't want it. As it is a dance show, I thought it would be best to look as ballerina as possible, and since the event also has a cabaret style boozy club feel, I felt an unwanted wedding dress would add to the tragic boozy atmosphere.

Christmas Cheer

In feel-good "pets saving humans" news, this article came out about a parrot that alerted a babysitter that the two year old in her care was choking on a pop-tart:

"'I heard Willie say 'momma baby, momma baby,' Howard said. 'I knew something was wrong.'

When Meagan rushed back in the room, she could see Hannah at the kitchen table, with her back to Willie, and her lips and face were turning blue. She had been eating a Pop Tart and was choking on a piece.

'And the second I got Hannah down off the chair and started doing the Heimlich, he stopped screaming,' Howard said. He knew it was going to be OK after that.'"

All was well in the household after that, with even a Christmas present for Willie- a new safflower lick. Willie could later be heard mumbling that what he had meant to ask for for Christmas was actually the Tina Fey/Amy Poehler vehicle, Baby Momma, which he did not receive despite what he describes as repeated attempts to ask for it.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Presents! Yay!

Dear Santa,

Thank you so much for the early gift this morning. I really love it. What's even better is that it ALWAYS seems like I get my period right before Christmas. I was thinking it might be nice one year not to get it, but you know, in the good way not get it, not the whoops way. What do you think? Anyway, thanks again, it's great.

Love,

Tempy


Dear Tempy,

I got your letter and even though I'm pretty fucking busy I read it because it was from you so I thought, yeah, she's been so good this year I can squeeze one last gift in. But then I get this patronizing shitball request and seriously? First of all, I got one reindeer down with the flu, two elves on strike and Mrs. Claus has been up in my business about some thing I said about her ass five months ago and she's decided to bring it up this week so if you EXCUSE me I've got a lot going on. Congrats on your rag- I passed this on to Mother Nature.

Best,

Santa


Dearest Moon-Child,

Oh, love and fruitful joy! Nature! Ah... I love to smell you live.

I received this letter from Mr. St. Nick and I am so glad you are flowing with the tides, my earth woman friend.

As for the timing I see here that you are taking a human made synthetic no baby pill called Ortho Cyclen and as such, that may be why your natural fertile cushion is being released at certain times!

Love,

Mother Nature


Dear Tempy,

Ortho Cyclen contains a combination of female hormones that prevent ovulation (the release of an egg from an ovary). Ortho Cyclen also causes changes in your cervical mucus and uterine lining, making it harder for sperm to reach the uterus and harder for a fertilized egg to attach to the uterus.

Serious as well as minor side effects have been reported with the use of oral contraceptives. Serious risks, which can be life threatening, include blood clots, stroke and heart attacks, and are increased if you smoke cigarettes. Cigarette smoking increases the risk of serious cardiovascular side effects, especially if you are over 35. Women who use oral contraceptives are strongly advised not to smoke. Some women should not use the Pill, including women who have blood clots, certain cancers, a history of heart attack or stroke, as well as those who are or may be pregnant. The Pill does not protect against HIV or sexually transmitted diseases.

Happy Holidays,

Ortho-McNeil-Janssen Pharmaceuticals, Inc.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Mile Stone

So... let's see...

Tomorrow's a half day.

I don't have to be here Friday.

Soon I'll get to give an receive presents.

What else? Oh that's right.

THIS IS MY 2,000TH POST!

Wow, I never thought I'd reach this milestone. I'd like to thank the douchebags who firewalled my email at my first temp job at JP Morgan which forced me to blog so I didn't lose my mind, all my friends, my old blog friends and new ones I have yet to meet (I'm looking at you, Raymi and Stephanie!), and all those loyal fans and friends and people I've not seen in a while but I know read my blog, those who don't know that I know read my blog (I'm looking at you!), oh my who else? I have to thank Sarah Palin for her inspiration and endless jokes, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton for hours of sexual tension induced posts, the media, and everyone!

Gossip Girl

So I was sent out on the impossible errand of buying something today in a store. Have you been to the stores, people? They're pretty packed. Anyway, I had to buy her 11 year old daughter some books from the creator of Gossip Girl which is really just kid smut porn. I told her,

Me: "You know this is all F-Bombs and sexual situations, right?"

Her: "Well it says here on the back 'Sex and the City for the younger generation."

Me: "Yeah, first of all for 17 year olds, second of all, have you seen 'Sex and the City'?"

Her: "Wow my daughter is such a slut."

Dog Night

You guys, it's almost my 2,000th post! I don't even know what to do with myself. I'll try to think of something witty and amazing to amaze you with my wit.

In other news, some of you have been asking me about this stray puppy. Well, it wasn't a tiny puppy, it was about 8 months old and it was of the Rottweiler persuasion. Long story short I came out of a store on Court street to find that a stray dog with half a tail was playfully sniffing my dog who was tied up outside. Then it took off and bolted across the street, stopping at every garbage can searching for food.

I wasn't even sure of what I was doing because it didn't have a tag and there's no way I could have taken it home, but I figured if I got it to hang out with me we could walk to the local vet and they could maybe lend me a leash so I could call animal care or something. There's no way this thing was surviving the night.

With the help of a kind stranger, 30 minutes later we followed it around the neighborhood until it finally decided to join our pack but when we got to the vet it was closed and the dog just took off up the street. I mean at that point there's not much you can do. It was clearly not domesticated and had strayed from its own. It was also rather alpha as it kept reminding my dog by jumping on his back every few blocks. Boy was Jesse pissed.

Anyway, it was really depressing. By the end of it all I was farther away from home than I had liked and as frozen as a popsicle with a pissed off and hungry dog. So, you know, give money to a local shelter, urge friends to adopt and if you have a dog, give it some extra love. And then do what I do and smack him upside the head to make him appreciate you.

The Grinch

Yay holidays! Yesterday I tried to save a freezing stray puppy in my neighborhood and failed, I almost locked my neighbor's cat in the bathroom, I have no idea what to get my mother and my allergies are about to put me in the hospital again. Hooray! But all of the cards I got put me in the holiday spirit. How could this not?

Monday, December 22, 2008

Snow Dog

This... is the best thing you'll see all day.

Some Service

Hey, have you noticed that the clerks at Chanel are kind of pricks?

Sneeze Attack

This proves my theory that both cats and cat owners who tape they cats are just f@#king weird.

Bribe Back

This article was sent to me recently- it's about the concept of bartender/patron loyalty, ethics, and the secret world of buybacks.

It is often noted by many bartenders that, "You never get a free drink if you ask for it," which is one of the reasons the buyback is so special. Although there is a difference between the truly earned buybacks and the ones where the bartender just wants you to stay and hang out. I call these the bribe-backs.

Buybacks are common bar policy. They are a way to get a patron to stay for more rounds than intended, therefore increasing the chance they'll have another, and it is also a good opening for increased tips for the hardworking bartender. Buybacks traditionally happen after the 3rd drink because it is a little known fact that most people consume only 3 drinks per bar stay. Ply them with a 4th and they feel obligated to stay for a 5th. That's when the fun begins.

Bribe-backs are a whole different animal. They happen when the bartender has decided that you are their new best friend for the night. Let's face it- shifts are long and good conversation is scarce as most people who come to bars are weird and depressing. Have you ever sat down at a bar for the first time, only to find that you and the bartender are laughing at something and the next thing you know you've only paid for one drink all night? That's the bribe-back: please stay. I like you and you are fun and I have access to free liquor.

I had the most incredible group of regulars at my bar and in all honesty they did really pay for a lot of their drinks, but they were privy to the first drink on us, heck maybe even the third and fifth and oh and look, here's a shot. Most of this crew were great tippers but that's not why we took such good care of them. It was because they really made the bar. They brought their friends who brought their friends. They made the environment fun and they all hung out at the corner by the front window making the bar look full to curious passers-by. And the friendships that were forged as a result were a beautiful thing.

I quit bartending a couple of years ago but the fact that I am still good friends with most of these people I met says a lot. Heck, I don't even hang out at that bar which makes the time we make to spend with each other that much more valuable. We'll meet for have dinner together, go to movies, brunch, shows, even rent cabins for a weekend.

Most of the people still go to my bar- I don't because geographically it's just too challenging and the scene has changed to make way for a new generation. But for me, bribe-backs were just a way of saying, "I like you. I really like you. And if I ever quit this job I really really still want to hang out with you." I am blessed to have had that time in my life. And while I may not still be friends with everyone from those days, coincidentally, one of few I'm not was a bad tipper anyway.

I Have A Wonderful Life

According to somebody on who posted this on Facebook, if you've seen more than 85 movies on this list of 236 you officially "Have No Life", whatever that means. I totally took the challenge ready to be all, whatever, just because I watch movies doesn't mean I don't have a life- I actually have a pretty awesome one. I am a creative, accomplished, humble woman with incredible bone structure and the most amazing friends anyone could ask for so SCREW YOU quiz!!!

But here's the thing- I've only seen 83 of them. So... I guess it is surprisingly accurate. Enjoy. Click on the list for a larger view.

Friday, December 19, 2008

The Doors

Palin4PresNow (10:07:54 AM): Haaaaaaaaaaaay Jeez the Big Cheese!

Palin4PresNow (10:08:00 AM): hello

Palin4PresNow (10:08:02 AM): it's me Sarah P.

Jesus2956 (10:08:41 AM): Oh, hi

Jesus2956 (10:08:42 AM): saw the thing with the turkey

Palin4PresNow (10:08:47 AM): hahhahha classic, right? So funny LMAO!

Palin4PresNow (10:08:49 AM): so whats up with that door???

Palin4PresNow (10:08:54 AM): yer dad workin on it?

Jesus2956 (10:09:07 AM): door?

Jesus2956 (10:09:10 AM): oh right that door of opportunity you keep bitching about

Palin4PresNow (10:09:15 AM): what?

Palin4PresNow (10:09:22 AM): yer jokin right

Jesus2956 (10:09:34 AM): haha yes

Palin4PresNow (10:09:37 AM): so how's the door doin?

Jesus2956 (10:09:39 AM): Sarah, listen- in 2012 you can run like everyone else. No one gets special doors.

Palin4PresNow (10:09:40 AM): HAHHAHHA

Palin4PresNow (10:10:18 AM): UR SO FUNNY!!!!!

Jesus2956 (10:10:35 AM): ha

Jesus2956 (10:10:38 AM): yes, but I am not joking

Palin4PresNow (10:10:44 AM): I'll keep lookin' for it

Jesus2956 (10:11:06 AM): you do that

Palin4PresNow (10:11:20 AM): still looking!

Palin4PresNow (10:11:30 AM): It's been a whooooooole minute

Palin4PresNow (10:11:35 AM): is that the door?

Jesus2956 (10:11:36 AM): Sarah, please

Palin4PresNow (10:11:46 AM): hahha you keep puttin these doors in front of me

Palin4PresNow (10:11:48 AM): better not stop with those doors!

Single Girl

This is pretty amazing and gets even better at about 48 seconds.

Pop It

So as you know, 'tis the season for our company to receive gifts like champagne and wine and chocolates. But this one we just got is pretty weird. It's two huge boxes- not one, count 'em two huge boxes of flavored popcorn.


They all have wacky names like Cheddar Jalapeno and Crappy Gift Flavor but this one was the weirdest.



Yes, that says Puppy Chow.

Anyone want some popcorn?

Janother Jbaby

In order to increase the population in Arkansas, a woman has just given birth to her 18th child. Word is that the Duggar family would like to start their own WalMart and soon will have given birth to enough staff members to do so. The happy future greeters and customer care reps include Josh 20, twins Jana and John-David, 18, Jill 17, Jessa, 16, Jinger, 14, Joseph, 13, Josiah, 12, Joy-Anna, 11, twins Jedidiah and Jeremiah, 9, Jason, 8, James, 7, Justin, 6, Jackson, 4, Johannah, 3 and Jennifer, 1 and baby Jordyn. Word on the street is that once they have enough children to round out the J's, they will hold a raffle for any other 25 letters of the alphabet that have been available to them for the past 20 years.

In a related story, Mrs. Duggar has never had her period.

Weather Man

I hear it's going to snow today, people.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Piv Out

Rut roh, looks like someone's too TIRED to speak memorized lines for two hours a night. Apparently Jeremy Piven quit his Broadway show, Speed The Plow, because his mercury levels are high, or as playwright David Mamet put it, "He is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer."

Jeremy, really? Gosh that sucks. Try talking to a child sweatshop worker or a busboy working 12 hour days seven days a week to support his family. Never mind the fact that a lot of people would like a sweet acting gig.


"I'm too hot to take your temperature."

Not Fun

Hmmm. We have the "office Christmas party" tonight which is totally gonna "blow" and I don't feel so good. Seriously, I just started feeling kind of ill. I guess we'll just wait it out.

Mad Money

Today I have to take out a RIDICULOUS amount of cash and I'm so not nervous at all about it. What's 5 figures to most people? Nothing, I'll tell you that.

Just... walking around.

Have you guys seen the beginning of Psycho?

Storage Space

FINALLY a place to keep my food while I play my musical paintball.

Add This

Facebook Foul! There are so many of them. They include changing comment status's while intoxicated, mis-tagging photos and going on other people's pages to see who they just became friends with and then trying to friend that person's friend just to look popular.

But the one I committed yesterday is perhaps the greatest Foul of all: accepting the friend request of someone who you are blatantly not friends with.

I see it happen all the time. Someone has the message on their wall- [person] is now friends with [person they either don't know or have nothing to talk about with them]. Then it gets sad when the non-in real life friend starts writing on your wall like, "HEY! Hi! I'm here and I am SOOOOOOOOOO your friend!"

But what is the option, click "ignore" to the request and then have to explain it to them?

So yesterday I got a request from my friend's douchey ex. I thought about it and I was hesitant but I clicked accept. I was IMing her at the time and I told her, "Ewww! [your ex] totally just friend requested me!" and she was all, "Gross!" and then we went on and on about how ugly/untalented/creepy he is. Like, for several minutes. And yet now he is my "Facebook Friend".

Now, there are certain people I am on the Facebook with for networking purposes- the difference is we know that we are not at all friends. I added a girl with my name who was receiving some of my emails in error so we started talking and now we're on the Facebook. She lives in DC and I have never met her. I also am pretty sure she knows that we are not friends, but if she ever needed a contact in New York or I in DC for professional purposes, knowing her could come in handy.

So, in conclusion, I'll probably add you even if I barely know you. But you know what they say:

To Facebook is human. To really be a friend is divine.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Baby Steps

OK, I give up.

Colorado Doctor Finds Foot In Newborn's Brain

And there's a picture, people.

Errands

Why, hi Mr. Sherry Lehman employee- I'm actually here because my boss, I mean, I need to get a nice bottle of wine as a gift for you see I am the person whose name is on the credit card my boss gave me today. Which means I'm her. Um. So... what do you have in a nice red for around $100? Oh, Clos des Papes Châteauneuf-du-Pape 2005, the best of Wine Spectator 2007? Sure, why not. Here's MY credit card. Oh, yes, the nice gift wrapping. Sure I'll wait to pick it up over there. Great. Have a great day.

Oh, hi man who is giving out free champagne samples. No, just waiting for the gift wrap. Um, ok I'll try a glass of that. Mmmmmmmmm wow. That's good. $40 a bottle? That's rather reasonable. Yeah, I can taste the breath of the grapes. Mmmmmmm. Oh, look, all gone. What? Um more? I mean, sure I'll try the $150/bottle vintage one. Okay. Wow. Damn. That is good. Whoa.

Hello man behind me that I've never seen before in my life. Have you tried this shit? It's fucking good. Try the good one. NO the GOOD one! Right?!? RIGHT?!? Wow.

I'm drunk.

Holiday Card!

By now most of you have received my holiday card. This is the first year I have done this because I figured, OK, I'm an adult and I have an animal to humiliate. So for those of you who did NOT receive one, here it is:

If you did NOT get a card, it could be one of several reasons:

1. You never gave me your address - 95%

2. I just didn't have enough and I ran out - 3%

3. I would like to but the Bad Thing happened... - 1%

4. I sent you a card but it got lost in the mail - 0.998

5. I don't like you - 0.002%


So everyone, please enjoy the outtakes!













The News

a. I am tired.

b. The Walkmen's version of "White Christmas" was amazing.

c. This article is blowing my mind.

"Guilty Plea From Internet Gambling Executive

Article Tools Sponsored By
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Published: December 16, 2008

A co-founder of an Internet gambling company has pleaded guilty to a federal crime and agreed to forfeit $300 million.

The plea was entered by Anurag Dikshit of India Tuesday in federal court in Manhattan. He is the co-founder of PartyGaming, an online gambling company registered in the United Kingdom.

Mr. Dikshit, who pleaded guilty to violating the federal wire act, signed a cooperation agreement, and prosecutors indicated they might eventually submit a letter to the judge asking for leniency. The charge carries a potential prison term of up to two years.

Mr. Dikshit and a defense lawyer, Mark Pomerantz, declined to comment."

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Conversation

BOSSLADY: So I really need you to find this toy for my daughter's present. I mean, I promised and she really wants it.

ME: It's sold out everywhere.

BOSSLADY: Damn.

ME: I can check eBay.

BOSSLADY: Sure.

ME: Or you could just make this a lesson to her that you don't always get what you want in life.

BOSSLADY: Oh, I have many more years to crush her dreams.

Advice

Montrealian

I sent out an email, asking for people's preferences of food for the holiday party:

Italian
Japanese
Korean
Chinese
French
Canadian
Indian

And no one got the Canadian joke.

On a side note, my new co-worker is so enamored with my stapler, she is going around the office making people try it out. To be fair, my stapler is pretty awesome.

It's Now

Question, when is Choco Pie?

Oh, it's now.


This was given to me, wrapped in Christmas paper and everything, as a gift from my Korean deli around the corner. I've known this family for years and at first I assumed they got this extra order of them, or they were stale and just wanted to give them out, but then I did some research and Choco Pies are a big deal in Korea- my co-worker vouched for them. I brought them into the office this morning and she's all, "Oh! Choco Pies!"

The question is, what should I get them? Twinkies?

Monday, December 15, 2008

BTW

Oh, I'm sorry, did I mention I'm seeing The Walkmen tomorrow? Yeah I'm pretty psyched- they're great live. Plus I kissed the lead singer's fiancee a couple of times. WHAT? WHO SAID THAT? (Don't get too excited- it was for a play.)

Tempy Search

Here are the top search terms that people use when they find my blog:

19.05% feeling tempy
14.29% link:www.publicintegrity.org/investigations/broken_government/
9.52% debbie duhane
9.52% tempy blog
4.76% debbie duhane weather
4.76% this day is an important day
4.76% whats a sexual innuendo
4.76% tempy bogspot
4.76% sexual innuendo day
4.76% who is actress zicam commercial
4.76% jerking or jumping of the eye itself
4.76% illegal nubile
4.76% tempy tires
4.76% ranaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Chøcølåtë

These are in our kitchen right now and they're pretty intimidating. What is nøttebiter? Valnøttkrokan? I don't know whether to eat it or put on clogs and dance around it.



What Not To Wear

Hey guys! I'm going to a concert tomorrow and I just don't know what to wear! So I found some suggestions from this website:

The Dos Do: Have fun! A concert gives you a little license to go wild. Do: Wear something with pockets, zip ones are especially useful. Do: Think of the climate it's in. It gets very hot indoors and very cold outdoors.

I won't even talk about the "Don't". So I went a little closer to home with this website:

• Leggings, leggings, leggings! • Ankle boots or fuzzy winter boots over your leggings. • Converse All Stars. They're baaack! • Tunics in bright colors like purple, hot pink or yellow. • Big doorknocker or hoop earrings. • Braids and Nicole Richie style headbands. The more boho the better. • Easy, breezy makeup. (Neutrals or golden glows were popular.)

I dunno. I am taking suggestions. Right now I think I'll wear whatever doesn't me look too old or like I'm trying to look young.

Know Your Bartender

I never did any of these. But I always wanted to. OK, I did one. Or maybe two.





Friday, December 12, 2008

Reality Show

OK so I know actors can get catty but this is a story about how a prop knife was switched and an actor ended up really slitting his throat onstage. They think it was a jealous rival. Jeez! At least he wasn't as convincing as this actress:

Baby Doll

Please watch these clips and then take the poll.







Thursday, December 11, 2008

Those Two!!!

I'm drinking 1/5 of peppermint schnapps and watching this tonight, what are you doing?

Hiney-Kin

Heineken just launched the Know the Signs campaign, an interactive flash game on their site where you can spot the 5 troublemakers at your typical bar: The Fighter, The Crier, The Sleeper, The Groper and The Exhibitionist. And I'm all, THAT'S SO FUNNY until I realized I can technically be qualified to be all five.

Smells Like Wet Baby

Remember that kid on the cover of Nirvana's album? The baby in the pool chasing the dollar bill? Well he's 17 now and apparently people just want to give him money.

"Stuff happens like random cool situations where I get paid $500 just to go hang out," he said. "People just call me up and they're like, 'Hey you're the Nirvana baby, right? Well just come and swim in my pool and we'll give you some money."

Wish I got paid to swim naked, although I'm sure if I thought enough about it that could be arranged.



Mad Cows

Someone sent this along to me- it's a comprehensive site of all the governmental failures since 2000. As it was pointed out to me, we "are going to be able to tell our grandkids that we lived through the worst and very possibly one of the best presidencies in our nation's history all in the course of one 16 year period."

True that. All you have to say to me is something about a failure in meat safety and I'm listening.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The Pipes

Joe "The Plumber" Wurzelbacher is now being quoted as saying that he was "appalled" and "felt dirty" after being on John McCain's campaign trail.

According to Wurzelbacher, "I honestly felt even more dirty after I had been on the campaign trail and seen some things that take place. It was scary, man. You know, I was angry. In fact, I wanted to get off the bus after I talked to him. [He touched my privates and told me that if] I [told anyone that he would kill my parents] was really pissed."

According to the same interview, "Asked why he didn't leave McCain's campaign if he was 'appalled' by the candidate, Wurzelbacher said, 'Honestly, because the thought of Barack Obama as president scares me even more [because I am a giant douche] you know?'"

Holiday Swag

What has two thumbs and just received two bottles of Veuve Cliquot? This gal.

Cheers to You

I keep going back and forth with the same person about the proper proportions for a hot toddy. I've always been a very visual drink maker i.e. I really can't follow a recipe and I'm pretty sure most people get confused when you start talking about ounces, jigger's and pony's. So I made a picture:



Then I thought, wow, most people are scared when it comes to bartending recipes so maybe I should just make a book about how to make drinks but visually. Here's some:

Bloody Mary:



Cosmo:



Beer:

Modern Love

A Japanese man invented a fem-bot named Aiko who is allegedly "the perfect woman". She is "perfect" save for the fact that she can barely move, isn't yet sexually compatible and oh, that's right, isn't a human.

According to Crazypants, "I want to make her look, feel and act as human as possible so she can be the perfect companion." The article goes on to say, "The odd looking pair go out for drives together in the Canadian countryside, before sitting down at the dinner table, but Aiko never eats anything. The fem-bot has a touch-sensitive face and body so she reacts if shown affection or hurt."

“Like a real female she will react to being touched in certain ways," says Coo-Coo Bear, "If you grab or squeeze too hard she will try to slap you. She has all senses except for smell."

I don't even know where to begin with this. Please watch:

Useless Knowledge

Hey guys! Raise your hands if you aren't a sight for sore eyes? Hm... one... two... hey ME TOO! I look like crap. I didn't shower this morning, barely woke up from my dream of being on a cruise ship (?) and only had beer for dinner and some left over cous cous for dessert when I got home, which was late. What did I do last night you ask? Well, I was asked by my sister to host a trivia game at a fundraiser for this charity she is on the board of to help needy kids or something, but I just did it for the free cab money home.

My office actually bought a table, and my friends bought a table as well. It was a blast and my friends won because they had this guy on their team who is ridiculously good at trivia, but really everyone was a winner because the children benefited. Or something like that.

I need some food.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Puppy Love

A recent study found that dogs experience jealousy, along with other minor complex human emotions.

Well, no shit. I didn't have to conduct a study to tell you that. If I so much as touch another dog in the park my dog will barrel his nose so far into my knee I might topple over.

But as further proof that dogs feel love and loyalty, watch this video of a dog saving another dog that has been hit by a car on a highway. Yes, the dog survived. WARNING: Do not watch this if you don't want to cry, hate dogs, or have an aversion to Castillian Spanish.

PC Barbie

Hey guys, remember Barbie's friend Share a Smile Becky? She was just like every other doll. She loved to get her hair done and play with Barbie and get new clothes. Oh, and she was in a wheelchair.


But one day a young girl with cerebral palsy was playing with her new friend when she realized that Becky could not get into the Barbie dream house because it was not wheelchair accessible.

This story is totally true. Mattel made sure that they widened the doors to all of the dreamhouses, which was convenient because now Barbie could also invite her normally proportioned friend Cecil and High Riding Hoopskirt Cindy-Lou, both of whom also could not previously fit into the doors.

But nothing, nothing can quite explain this fiasco:

Tpye-O

There's a great new book out called Holy Headshot! and it has some of the worst headshots ever. What a brilliant idea. I learned about it first from my actor-y type friends and we all agreed we should have thought of it sooner.

Know what I love more than bad headshots? Bad typos. I know one or two of these is familiar to you but please do enjoy.





Questions Questions

Questions I've answered for my co-workers in the last hour.

Q. How do I conference in a call? Don't I just hit conference?
A. Did they pick up? No? Well they have to pick up.

Q. How do I mute my phone?
A. Press "mute".

Q. How much money is in my checking account?
A. Too much.

Q. Why is the machine buzzing?
A. Because it's from 1972.

Q. What are you getting for lunch?
A. Something expensive.

Q. Why is the door so temperamental?
A. You didn't push the star key after the code.

Q. What are you doing?
A. Not blogging.

TV Time

What has two thumbs and is probably acquiring a flat screen TV from her boss? This gal.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Pat's Papers

You guys Pat Kiernan emailed me! This is just one step closer to completing my goal of becoming the next Mrs. Pat Kiernan.

Holiday Cards

Well I thought it was difficult to make my own holiday cards. Try dealing with cards that have 4 kids on them. It seriously has taken me two hours to make the perfect holiday card and they aren't even my children. Chance are they will still blame me for things in therapy years later.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Mmmmmmmmm Boobies

This is awesome. Thanks to this website, I have now felt my boobies like, 3,846 times today.

The LE

I could SWEAR the people in this picture from a CNN article was taken at the bar I used to work at from a few years ago. Anyone?

Viral

So I got a request for one of those Facebook virus things from a friend- apparently she had opened a link and it went through her entire computer and sent out a message to all her friends and I almost went on but I know better. Turns out it's called a Trojan worm. Guuuh- that sounds gross.

Like I said, it's usually pretty easy to smell these things from a mile away, but this Facebook one is nasty. It's hidden in the style of an adobe flash update so be warned!!!

There were ones on MySpace a few years ago that were rather laugh-worthy. People were getting viruses into their accts by re-typing their name and password in order to get into a link that promised porn or hot babes or something, then they'd complain, "OMG a virus got into my acct and now I'm offering you Macy's cards" but really we all knew they were total pervs.

It's A Good Thing


Hello, everyone. It's me again, Martha Stewart. A lot of you have been asking me about what makes a good meal for the holidays. Well, it depends on what you mean by both "meal" and "holidays"! I usually can figure this out by looking at who's coming over. Let's check go to my homemade Family/Friend Event Wheel to see when to prepare what and for whom!

First, let's take it for a little spin. Oh, uncle Rick and "aunt" Roger? That's easy. This handsome couple appreciate good food and decorations as much as I do. So remember:

Uncle + 1= Fancy Food Fun! I'd try a nice horseradish crusted salmon with poached sugar pears and fresh gelato for dessert. Those two could "bear" it!

Ok, let's spin it again. Oooooh! Mom, dad, sis and the grandkids! Best to keep it simple because young children are developmentally incapable of appreciating all that hard work! Canned ham and beans for these guys. Remember:

Parents and Kids = Food with Pull off Lids

Ok! Let's take her for another spinny! Whoo! My brother Carl. Carl is quite possibly the least productive member of society. He barely clings from job to job in order to support his burgeoning career as an alcoholic. What fun! He's easy. I usually whip up some Bratwurst Sandwiches with Caraway Saurkraut. It goes great with beer and the best part is it makes great leftovers for my beloved dogs (may Paw Paw rest in peace). So remember:

The Brother I've Disavowed= Good Doggie Chow

Well that's all the time we have for today! Tune in next week to see how you can make a sugar bowl cozy for parties. And now, I'd like to leave you with a picture of my new puppy, Genghis Khan.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Holiday Cheer

So I FINALLY got my holiday cards you guys! Yippee! They came out great- I've never sent holiday cards before but I'm really looking forward to doing it this year. One weird thing though- on the edge of the inside flap of the box, this is printed on:

WTF? Seriously? I don't know who thought this would be a good idea. Can you imagine the pitch? "So Bob, at the end of every flap we'll totally insult the customer, sound good?" Yeah, sounds great. Remind me to order from Snapfish next time, a-holes.

You Gotta Fight For Your Right To Party

This is the PARTY OF THE SEASON YOU GUYS!!! Ain't no party like a Public Safety party cuz the Public Safety party don't stop... unless someone needs the Heimlich in which case it might come to a halt temporarily. Thanks, Courtney. I will be there.

Hil and Bar

A door squeaks open and Barack Obama enters the room. Hillary Clinton turns.

OBAMA: Why, hello.

CLINTON: Oh, hey, hi.

OBAMA: So. It's just us. it's been a while since we've been alone.

CLINTON: Yeah. Well except...

OBAMA: Oh, Rusty? He's just Secret Service. Don't mind him; he doesn't care about anything. He even lets me smoke cigarettes behind Michelle's back!

CLINTON: Ha ha! So.

OBAMA: Hi Hil.

CLINTON: Hey Mr. President.

OBAMA: Please, call me Bar. You make me feel like my dad.

CLINTON: Oh, I can't.

OBAMA: Missed you.

CLINTON: Me too.

OBAMA: You happy with your post?

CLINTON: Yes, thanks again Mr. President.

OBAMA: Please... Bar.

CLINTON: Okay. Bar.

OBAMA: So, I've been thinking about some serious things. Like, who to best put in my cabinet, working out some details...

CLINTON: Uh huh.

OBAMA: Figuring out who'll take over cooking detail in the White House, how to tell you I'm in love with you, what to do about the Big 3...

CLINTON: Wait, what? Go back.

OBAMA: Oh, to the cooking thing? The White House chef will stay but she needs a new asst.

CLINTON: No, to the other thing. After that.

OBAMA: The Big 3?

CLINTON: Before that.

OBAMA: Gosh I... don't remember.

CLINTON: It was... about me.

OBAMA: Hm. Beats me. Oh heck, look at the time. (checks watch) Looks like I gotta go to a meeting. Or something.

CLINTON: Or something.

OBAMA: Bye, Hil.

He and Rusty leave.

Hillary closes eyes, slides down the wall. Starts to sing.

(To the tune of I Don't Know How to Love Him" from Jesus Christ Superstar)

I don't know how to love him.
What to do, how to prove to him.
I've been changed, yes really changed.
In these past few days, when I think about fate,
I'm more than just the Secretary of State.

I don't know how to take this.
I don't see why he moves me.
He's man. He's just a man.
And I've been with a President before,
In very many ways,
He's just one more.

Should I bring him down?
Or is this a sham?
Should I speak of love,
Call him at 3AM?
I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?

Don't you think it's rather funny,
I should be in this position.
I'm the one who's always been
So calm, so cool, no political fool,
But now I've looked within.
I'd swear him in.

Missed Connection

Looks like I'm getting NOTICED. Woo hoo!!! I'm so glad my "Poor Tortured Soul Crying On The Train With Headphones While Stealing Smiles" trick worked.*



*This isn't really about me, ps. When I cry, I take off my headphones.

P Train

There was a strong scent of urine on the train this morning. I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty awful. No one could identify its origin; it was the kind of pee smell that's really sickly strong, like it's been there for days and had evaporated into a compressible solid liquid state. There's really no way around it- someone had definitely urinated in that train car somewhere at some point.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

What's New

I just had this IM conversation with my co-worker:

her (3:52:56 PM): are you getting paid for your health insurance stuff yet?

me (3:53:00 PM): YES!

her (3:53:04 PM): in cash?

me (3:53:06 PM): they worked it out

me (3:53:35 PM): I just told them I couldn't afford my anti-violent rage medication anymore

me (3:53:42 PM): they took me seriously

me (3:53:52 PM): it's called NoPostal

her (3:53:58 PM): [co-worker] offered me amex reward points

her (3:54:06 PM): i kid you not!

her (3:54:41 PM): he wants to reimburse me in amex points

me (3:54:42 PM): he's like the anti grinch

her (3:55:00 PM): he's like pick out something nice for yourself on the website

her (3:55:08 PM): for 30,000 pts

me (3:55:16 PM): "especially if it's lingerie"

her (3:55:20 PM): ew

Saxby Chambliss

Man that Margaret and Helen blog post reminded me of how much I dislike that Saxby Chambliss.

Why I Don't Like Saxby Chambliss
by Tempy

Okay, first of all, I'm not going to make fun of the name because our president elect has a funnier one than Saxby's but I will say that I went to a strip club the other night and my dancer had the same name as Chambliss. HEY-OH!

But seriously folks, never mind that he called Max Cleland un-American- let's look at his latest musings on Obama in an interview with Fox News:

"But when he wants to raise taxes on everybody, when he wants to tinker around with the Second Amendment, when he wants to do things that are not in the best interest of Georgians, then I'm not going to be with him."

HAHAHA! Douche.

First of all, Obama, a former constitutional law instructor does not believe in 'tinkering around' with anything except for maybe a truck engine or a wooden toy. According to AP reporter Nedra Pickler:

"Senator Obama, said some scholars argue the Second Amendment to the Constitution guarantees gun ownerships only to militias, but he believes it grants individual gun rights." In that article Obama is quoted as saying, "I think there is an individual right to bear arms, but it’s subject to commonsense regulation like background checks."

So, that's the first thing. No one's gonna take his precious guns away, they're just going to make sure that schizophrenic ex-con's don't get their hands on them.

Second, Obama's not going to raise taxes willy nilly on everyone. It's the Joe the Plumber fear machine tactics. At worst your rich neighbor's taxes will go up by 3 percent. At best yours will be cut.

Oh and did I mention he's a cannibal? It's true, look it up.*

Anyway, looks like we're stuck with him in the senate for a while, but at least we have Obama. I can deal with that.


*It's not true

Read This

I can't get enough of the Margaret and Helen blog. If you can, please read this entire post- it is hilarious.

Funny Stuff

You guys have to watch this- it's Proposition 8, the musical with Jack Black, John C. Reilly and others. I think Neil Patrick Harris steals the show but that's just me. Also, if you look closely you can find Broadway's darling, Barret Foa, who I saw in Avenue Q and The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. Enjoy.

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Your Health

According to Dr. Sanjay Gupta on CNN, more than two alcoholic drinks a day for women can cause serious heart problems.

Other problems caused by having more than two drinks a day include:
  • Nausea
  • Increased incidents of late night bacon, egg and cheese on a roll making
  • Headaches
  • Inexplicable loss of funds and increased cab receipts (not necessarily related)
  • Increased chance of dating an unemployed alcoholic
  • Depression
  • Sporadic delusions of celebrity during unexpected karaoke session

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Gone Mental

I am the goddamn mental health champion of my office. I made the company retroactively pay for a certain clause in our health care plan from the beginning of the year just so I could have all of my shrink visits covered and THEN I went to all the people who are or have spouses/kids in therapy and instructed them on how to send in a years worth of claims. That can add up to nearly $10,000 for some people here. In your face, sneaky insurance company that took away the option in the beginning of the year w/o telling us.

Sad/Cute

You guys have to watch this. It's the weirdest/saddest/cutest thing. It's a story about this beagle who fell in love with a duck. When the duck went away for the winter or whatever it is that ducks do, they bought the dog a decoy and the beagle was so happy. Just... watch. And feel free to keep the volume off.

Femme Chic

I am acting like such a chick right now. I decided that for the next hour I'd listen to beautiful slow songs. Currently Rob Dickinson is on the rotation. All I need is a cosmo and a pack of Virginia Slim's Menthol Ultra Light 100's.

Super Friends

OBAMA: OK here's what I have so far.

ADVISER: Sir, go on.

OBAMA: Hillary as Secretary of State.

ADVISER: Brills.

OBAMA: Eric Holder as Attorney-General.

ADVISER: LOVE it.

OBAMA: Susan Rice as ambassador to the United Nations.

ADVISER: Hey-Ya!

OBAMA: Retired Marine Gen. Jim Jones as the National Security Adviser.

ADVISER: Mmmm mmmm, sock it to me, Bam.

OBAMA: Aquaman as Secretary of Homeland Security.

ADVISER: I... what?

OBAMA: Remind me to place a call to Flash too. He's such a self important prick he might accept my offer of Postmaster General.

ADVISER: But sir, I...

OBAMA: And get Flash Gordon on the horn. I'd be curious to see what he's up to.

ADVISER: Mr. Obama Sir, with all due respect you cannot use everyone from the Justice League.

OBAMA: Why not?

ADVISER: Because they don't exist.

OBAMA: What?

ADVISER: Sir...

OBAMA: Well if they don't exist then what are the Wonder Twins doing here?

ZAN AND JAYNA: You rang, sir?

ADVISER: This is unbelievable.

OBAMA: Zan, Jayna, I need a new Secretary of Transportation.

ZAN AND JAYNA: Wonder Twin powers, ACTIVATE!

ZAN: Form of... Secretary made of MIST!

JAN: Form of... Giraffe who knows a lot about transportation!

ADVISER: OK, this is nuts. I don't see anything.

OBAMA: Oh, I know why! That wacky monkey of yours got in the way! Ha ha ha ha ha!

OBAMA, ADVISER, ZAN AND JAN: Gleek!!!

Gleek has pissed all over the rug. Everyone laughs.

Trivial Pursuit

Hey guys! Sorry, I've been a bit busy lately like, actually doing work! I know, I know.

So I will be hosting this trivia event next week for charity and I'm having a lot of fun coming up with some questions but as a result I am bombarded with useless facts in my head all day. Like, did you know that In 1998, Sony accidentally sold 700,000 camcorders that had the technology to see through people's clothes? 93% of all greeting cards are purchased by women? And an office desk has 400 times more bacteria than a toilet?

I know, I know. We are all still thinking about the x-ray vision camcorder. To save you all time and energy, this is what I look like under my clothes:

Monday, December 01, 2008

Blasted

Hey! Sorry it's been a while. First 4 day weekend and then this morning I went to the dentist to get my teeth sandblasted. I feel great now but then I drank 4,375 cups of coffee so now I need to go back.

Comments

And now, a look at a sampling of today's comments section from TMZ's latest post on Britney Spears:

1. FIRST .......!!!!!
Posted at 9:37AM on Dec 1st 2008 by Jen

2. FRRIST!
Posted at 9:50AM on Dec 1st 2008 by callmecrazyokyurcrazy

3. It's so sad what happened to hrt and her kids they are so cute
Posted at 9:56AM on Dec 1st 2008 by Denise

4. HATERS GET REAL JOBS
Posted at 9:56AM on Dec 1st 2008 by Lou

5. Leave brit-brit alone she's had enough
Posted at 10:02AM on Dec 1st 2008 by LR

6. WHY U GUYZZ GOTTSA BE SO ALL OVER THA PLACE WITH THE LOVING BRIT LOL HER KIDS LOOK RETARDED SHE A DUMB HO
Posted at 10:02AM on Dec 1st 2008 by Mr. B

7. I think u guyz were too hard on Sarah Palin
Posted at 10:04AM on Dec 1st 2008 by SP4PRZ

8. Who cares about Britney- I wanna see more about that carpetmuncher Lindsay Lohan and her lady
Posted at 10:10AM on Dec 1st 2008 by JENotMyBaby....

9. FIIIRST!!!
Posted at 10:11AM on Dec 1st 2008 by IloveAniston

10. Wait, Sarah P, that u?
Posted at 10:13AM on Dec 1st 2008 by JENotMyBaby

11. Ya maybe who that
Posted at 10:16AM on Dec 1st 2008 by SP4PRZ

12. you paps are all crazy and shiz- Brit's gotta learn life lessson 4 herselfffff
Posted at 10:27AM on Dec 1st 2008 by CUH

13. Me, John Edwards. How are you? Totes didn't kno u were into gossip, you of all people.
Posted at 10:44AM on Dec 1st 2008 by JENotMyBaby

14. Edwards how the heck are ya! I like to read all media cuz I respect all media- u kno I have to read all the papers and blogs I read them all.
Posted at 10:50AM on Dec 1st 2008 by SP4PRZ

15. FIRST
Posted at 10:51AM on Dec 1st 2008 by Yolanda

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