Easy Video

There's nothing better than a music video about the band making a music video. Nothing. Thanks, Patientboy.

A Dilemma

Should I take pictures of my dog with Santa this year or should I just drink a bottle of whiskey and cry while putting my dog in human clothes and contemplate freezing my ovaries? Or both?

No Dice (and it's not a ball reference)

So Jesse walked by the camera being the tease that he is but so far no good shots of Jesse. I'll keep you posted. In lieu of the real dog, I give you this picture:

Jesse 2.0

Ladies and gentlemen, JesseCam rides again.

He's currently on the couch so right now it's Tempy'sBedCam with snarky IM comments on the side.

01:50 ustreamer-60913 : He just ate a wheel of cheese and pooped in your refrigerator
01:53 spkheller-1 : oh Baxter. You know I don't know Spanish.
01:54 ustreamer-60913 : Is that how you "make" your bed in the morning? What a slob.
01:57 spkheller-1 : I have no witty retort to that.
01:57 spkheller-1 : Also, why "make" the bed when your dog is just gonna rustle it all up?
02:19 ustreamer-60913 : That's not a very feminine looking room. Are you sure you're a girl?
02:20 spkheller-1 : yeah, the pink and mint paisley swan pillar on the left is real mannish

Two Birds With One Stone

I received this cell phone shaped mint tin from a company that apparently wanted to both tell me about their company and inform me that I needed a breath mint.

Make Light Hard Motions

I just unsuccessfully replaced a part on the espresso machine because the manual was poorly translated into about 15 languages. My favorite part: "Push fully as you make light oscillating movements".

This is a good example with what I was dealing with:

Memo Received

It's always awkward when you know someone and they're in another state about to get married and then you receive an email that has the subject line, "EMERGENCY" and it's all about how he has just moved back to NY and needs a roommate ASAP, isn't it?

Today's Lesson

Today's featured Person You'll Learn About When You Google "Medical Oddities" is the smallest woman in the world, Jyoti Amge. She is 15:

Oh, Anette

Peppy Pups

Remember the Shiba Inu puppy cam? This is just as cute!!!

Google Oggling

I was having a conversation this weekend about Google Street View, and some of the funny things that have been captured. It's definitely worth a look.


If you go onto my apt, you can see my crappy super putting our trash into the neighbor's trash can:

Man Suit

I don't know about you but I think every man in the world should wear this:

Tele Phony

Oh man, today is gonna be a touch busy. Some news came out about us for some reason or something and we're in like ALL these papers today and stuff and reporters are calling me and I'm all, "You never ask me about me. How I feel." All I gotta say is if the Post calls I'd like to talk to that one guy who reviewed my show.

Analyze This

I have just spent way too much time on this, the Gender Analyzer (thanks a lot, Raymi). It analyzes if a blog is written by a man or a woman and I have yet to stump it! Well, except for Groinstrong:

"We guess http://groinstrong.com is written by a man (55%), however it's quite gender neutral."

Daily Douche Alert

I'm pretty sure this was sent to me on email in error. Being a bartender for many years, I can identify what each person is drinking- from the left: Zima, Douche Island Iced Tea, choad & coke and a vodka & dumbbitch.

Please Stop Singing

Does anyone else get a physical reaction from this song? And I'm not talking about the one you're supposed to have. Thanks Katie for making me find this.

Convenient Truth

LiebermanJ4Obama (12:16:55 PM): Hey! Al G that you?

GlblWrmngIsBad (12:17:01 PM): yes

LiebermanJ4Obama (12:17:42 PM): whattap?

LiebermanJ4Obama (12:17:45 PM): haaaaaaaaaaaaaay

GlblWrmngIsBad (12:17:53 PM): hello

LiebermanJ4Obama (12:17:54 PM): remember 8 years ago

LiebermanJ4Obama (12:17:58 PM): freaking REPUBLICANS we showed them LOL

LiebermanJ4Obama (12:18:10 PM): such jerks u know

LiebermanJ4Obama (12:18:15 PM): so glad I'm a dem like u

LiebermanJ4Obama (12:18:21 PM): ran a BAAAAAAAAD campaign so neg

GlblWrmngIsBad (12:18:21 PM): yes I know. I saw you speak at their convention.

LiebermanJ4Obama (12:18:56 PM): oh man that? Just playing 'round no one got the joke haha

LiebermanJ4Obama (12:19:07 PM): so crazy

LiebermanJ4Obama (12:19:11 PM): that Palin lady is def not qualified

GlblWrmngIsBad (12:21:15 PM): Oh I'm sorry I was under the impression you supported them

LiebermanJ4Obama (12:21:44 PM): right wing media lies and so not true- I'm a proud dem- why else would Pres Elect Obama hang w/me

GlblWrmngIsBad (12:21:53 PM): sure, everyone deserves redemption

LiebermanJ4Obama (12:22:01 PM): totes! Whatevs, I'm just so proud to be with the winners

LiebermanJ4Obama (12:22:07 PM): we're winnerzzzzz!!!

GlblWrmngIsBad (12:22:09 PM): yes

GlblWrmngIsBad (12:35:01 PM): winners

LiebermanJ4Obama (1:00:00 PM): hahhaha

GlblWrmngIsBad (1:00:30 PM): howws the environment

GlblWrmngIsBad (1:00:33 PM): still warm?

LiebermanJ4Obama (4:09:32 PM): Yes

GlblWrmngIsBad (4:09:46 PM): LOLZZZZZZ!!!!11!!!

Stalkey and the Beast

Whoa you guys, what a morning!!! I went to the Lady Doctor and got my mysterious lady parts felt up, and then I came into work to find that a future stalker called the office five time looking for me to ask, "DID SHE GET MY EMAIL ABOUT MY RESUME?!? I SENT AN EMAIL!!!" Man, I'm pooped. I actually have a slightly busy day today. But the best part about this morning was when the receptionist typed in "beast" instead of "breast". Don't worry you guys- my beasts are wonderful.

Last Pick For Dodgeball

Wow. Watch this. I'd feel bad for the guy but he is an arrogant narcissistic unapologetic douchebag, you know the kind who takes a metaphorical shit in the middle of the room and then expects everyone else to clean it up? "Whoa, some people don't like me." Well, some people can politely deal with the fact that you don't take any responsibility for your actions but the rest of us sort of have a problem with this whole reckless war you started based on lies without apology and the economy and all. So no, you took that shit; go roll in it. I, like these other world leaders, like to surround myself with better company, thank you. If you have a problem with that perhaps you should take a good hard look at yourself as to why.

Let's Walk

This is why I hate flying.

Recently a co-pilot totally had a mental breakdown while flying an Air Canada plane. Apparently after they subdued him, "The pilot then asked flight attendants to find out if any passenger was a qualified pilot."

I don't know about you but that's not the kind of question you want to hear over the loudspeaker. Luckily a flight attendant had a commercial pilot's license so she was able to help because as we all know, that automatic pilot is worthless.

JesseCam 2: Electric Lick-a-Loo

You guys, JesseCam was such a hit, I might have to do it again. Not too often, though, because he needs his privacy- I will keep you posted.

A Team

I was just having a conversation with somebody about the Fleshlight, the sex toys for males. They come in many styles, including this pack of four aptly entitled, "Pink Stealth, Mouth, Lady and Butt". Doesn't that sound like a crime fighting team or a new cartoon quartet? Look out Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde. There are new sheriff's in town.

New Food

OK I just tried fried linguine and it was pretty awesome.

Oh No

Whoop whoop RAPTURE ALERT! Okay you guys so the blogosphere is all, talking about how Obama might be the anti-Christ. Thankfully we have one man on the site who's thinking with a clear head! The blue comments are my inner thoughts.

From Jack Kelley:
"As for him being the anti-Christ: I've discouraged that thought because I don't believe it's time for the anti-Christ to be revealed yet. Yeah seriously. But apart from that there's no Biblical reason I can find that would absolutely disqualify him. W... what? And based on the things we know about the anti-Christ there's a fit in several important places. Like what- the anti-Christ is actually kind of cool and comes from a disenfranchised people? The anti-Christ will have to burst on the scene quickly and powerfully to accomplish so much in the little time he has, so maybe he'll need a head start. If that's the case, maybe Mr. Obama is on his way to becoming the anti-Christ. Jesus Christ. Let's find out. Oh, lets."

It's Tempy, Bitch

In a recent interview, Britney "Unfitney" Spears was quoted as saying about her life,"I have really good days, and then I have bad days. Even when you go to jail, y'know, there's the time when you're gonna get out. But in this situation, it's never-ending. It's just like 'Groundhog Day' every day. [There's] no excitement, there's no passion. I think it's too in-control."

And now, An Open Letter to Britney Spears:

Dear Britney,

As someone who understands the difficulties of single parents everywhere, I understand that it must be tough living in that 14,000 square foot cage you call "home". It's so often that single parents get unlimited money and freedom to, you know, like, do whatever they want like be creative and make albums and stuff. There are millions of women out there with unlimited funds and time on their hands who just like to sit around by the pool and smoke cigarettes and instruct their nannies AND get to go out to clubs and dance and dream and sing!

Now we finally understand your hardships. You have the money and the nannies and time but you have this darned thing called responsibility. So what if you've been caught driving without a license and been rushed to the hospital on several occasions due to psychotic episodes that endangered the lives of your children. You should be able to do what you want girlfriend!

And how about that hands on-dad, Kevin? God. If I have to see one more dad who begs to spend time with their kids I don't know what I'll do.

In conclusion, you tell 'em! I don't know how you've endured such suffering for months. I guess those war prisoners in Columbia totally know how you feel but at least they get to go out on long walks. Man! Thanks for finally being brave enough to come forward.

Love,

Tempy

The Weeds

Oh, did I mention to anyone that I found a bag of strong, stinky weed on my way home last night and I took it and I'm going to give it to my co-worker? I stopped smoking after a I OD'd on a hash brownie a few years ago. It's so strong I had to wrap the bag in many many bags and put it in a cookie jar and my apartment still smells like a dorm room.

Update

OK so for those of you who are interested, I am getting home at approx 6:45-6:50 and if you watch JesseCam I will say hi.

For those of you still waiting to see Jesse, check back every 5 mins- he will probably mosey onto the bed soon...

But Seriously

The following is not a joke. First, this sketch Barack Obama made of his co-workers just sold for a lot of money on eBay:



This is a sketch pad doodle Sarah Palin made when she was thinking about running for Mayor:

Jesse Cam

Not to be outdone by puppy cam, and just as an experiment, I present to you, live streaming video of my dog (FYI he goes between the couch and the bed so you have a 50% chance of catching him):

The embedding is wonky so click here.

NOTE: JesseCam may be inexplicably off. Don't Panic. It will go back on again.

Entertainment

God, I'm bored. What should I do?

Chrysalises Make Me Crazy

I was at a wedding in Hippieville, Vermont when I came across this painting on an electrical box. I'd be scared of butterflies too if I took as much acid as everyone there did.

Whoops

New Addiction

Someone this weekend turned me on to the Church Sign Generator. Needless to say, I won't be getting any work done today.

Hot Seat

If there already weren't enough reasons to want to have sex with Jon Stewart:



I'd also like to take this moment to remind everyone for the millionth time that Bill O'Reilly once told a woman he wanted to rub a falafel on her privates. Just so no one forgets.

I Don't

Here's a news story for you: A woman filed for divorce because her husband's avatar was cheating on her avatar in an online game.

"Amy Taylor, 28, said her three-year marriage to David Pollard, 40, came to an end when she twice walked in on him watching his online character, Dave Barmy, having sex with other virtual women.

Second Life enables players to create online lives in which their virtual alter ego, or avatar, can socialize, develop relationships, buy property and set up businesses in an imagined world using the game's virtual currency.

The couple met in an internet chatroom in 2003 and married in real life and in a fantasy tropical setting in Second Life.

However, Taylor always had suspicions about Pollard's online loyalty. At one point she hired a virtual detective to test whether his avatar was cheating on her, after finding him at the computer watching his character having sex with a prostitute.

Pollard passed that honeytrap test but earlier this year Taylor found his character in a compromising position with another virtual woman.

'He confessed he'd been talking to this woman player in America for one or two weeks and said our marriage was over and he didn't love me any more,' said Taylor, who filed for divorce the next day."

The couple in real life:

Their avatars, in better days:

Pupalicious

Turns out the puppies are a huge internet sensation.

Holy Groinstrong!

You guys I am so excited about the GROINSTRONG-A-THONG fundraiser tonight!!! I bought hot pink plowers to put in my hair that's how excited I am. Here's the prizes I'm raffling off:

Cufflinks from Wabisabi Brooklyn
Brooklyn Tattoo
GC to Homage
2 bottles of wine courtesy of Damien Carney from Michael Skurnik Wines
vintage necklace from Silpada jewelry
2 bottles of nice wine
$50 GC to Sephora
$50 GC to The Bell House
$50 GC to Last Exit
$25 GC to The Brazen Head
$100 Gift certificate to Shut Skateboard Shop
$50 CG to Restaurant Apartment 138
Autographed copy of a new punk rock encyclopedia
Sub Pop Gift Bag
Ernest Jennings Record Company gift bag
Triple Eight Brain Saver Skate Helmet
Skateboard
Norton Records Gift Bag
$100 CG to Jake Walk
3 vintage Tees from Giveandtaketees.com
$25 GC for Press 195
One adult acting class from the New Acting Company
LeNell's in Red Hook, is donating a certificate for a 4 person in store whiskey tasting
A HOT HOT HOT pink faux snakeskin vest.
GC to Sample
$25 certificate for Mongo
Dead Flowers Productions Bag
Baseball cards from the 1980's grab bags
Adidas sneakers
Children’s Books from Scholastic - Ages 3 & Up – List Price over $150
Children’s Books from Scholastic – Ages 7 & Up – List Price over $120
Harry Potter Hard Cover Collection from Scholastic – Books 1-7 in a free Scholastic Beach Bag

Puppies

Ladies and gentlemen, puppy cam. Live puppies. All day.

Gay, Not Happy

Recently Arkansas passed an initiative that bans people who are “cohabitating outside a valid marriage” from serving as foster parents or adopting children. In other words, gay people cannot adopt.

Freaking fabulous.

You know what? I'm sick and tired of all this gay-tred especially when it is crammed down my throat in the name of a religion that I don't belong to. To pass this law insinuates that gay people cannot care for children. So what happens when a gay couple or heterosexual couple that is not legally married has biological children? Should the state take them away? Seriously, this is intolerable.

Now, I'm not gay so I can adopt and mistreat as many children as I want, but as MLK famously said, "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere". This anti-gay trend ia a dangerous mindset and I've been reminded recently that the majority of the people in this country are pretty smart. We can definitely do better.

Palin's Push

Sarah Palin says she'll only run for President in 2012 if "God opens the door for her".

Dog Gourmet

I'm going away this weekend and my friend is going to watch my dog. I love my friend for many reasons but last night took the cake when I came home to her email:

"So I'm thinking of making Jesse homemade dog food - is that okay? been looking up recipes and here's the ingredients in case Jesse is allergic to anything:

ground turkey or chicken
brown rice
egg with omega 3 (cook white, yolk raw)
baby food - peas & carrots
cottage cheese

of course there are snacks too but I'm just going to get them at the pet shop."

OK first of all, big props to my friend. It's so nice to know that she cares that much. I of course responded with a resounding, "Do what you want! Yay!" but what I really wanted to say was this,

"Dear Friend,

My dog once tried to eat a dead pigeon. Anything is a step up.

Love,

Tempy"

50 Facts and 1 Lie

Below are 50 facts about Barack Obama. Totally true- no editing.

I have inserted one non-truth. Can you guess (without checking the original article) which one it is?

• He collects Spider-Man and Conan the Barbarian comics
• He was known as "O'Bomber" at high school for his skill at basketball
• His name means "one who is blessed" in Swahili
• His favorite meal is wife Michelle's shrimp linguine
• He won a Grammy in 2006 for the audio version of his memoir, Dreams From My Father
• He is left-handed – the sixth post-war president to be left-handed
• He has read every Harry Potter book
• He owns a set of red boxing gloves autographed by Muhammad Ali
• He worked in a Baskin-Robbins ice cream shop as a teenager and now can't stand ice cream
• His favorite snacks are chocolate-peanut protein bars
• He ate dog meat, snake meat, and roasted grasshopper while living in Indonesia
• He can speak Spanish
• While on the campaign trail he refused to watch CNN and had sports channels on instead
• His favorite drink is black forest berry iced tea
• He promised Michelle he would quit smoking before running for president – he didn't
• He kept a pet ape called Tata while in Indonesia
• He can bench press an impressive 200lbs
• He was known as Barry until university when he asked to be addressed by his full name
• His favorite book is Moby-Dick by Herman Melville
• He visited Wokingham, Berks, in 1996 for the stag party of his half-sister's fiancé, but left when a stripper arrived
• His desk in his Senate office once belonged to Robert Kennedy
• He and Michelle made $4.2 million last year, with much coming from sales of his books
• His favorite films are Casablanca and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
• Every time he pees unicorns and stars fly out of his urine
• He carries a tiny Madonna and child statue and a bracelet belonging to a soldier in Iraq for good luck
• He applied to appear in a black pin-up calendar while at Harvard but was rejected by the all-female committee.
• His favorite music includes Miles Davis, Bob Dylan, Bach and The Fugees
• He took Michelle to see the Spike Lee film Do The Right Thing on their first date
• He enjoys playing Scrabble and poker
• He doesn't drink coffee and rarely drinks alcohol
• He would have liked to have been an architect if he were not a politician
• As a teenager he took drugs including marijuana and cocaine
• His daughters' ambitions are to go to Yale before becoming an actress (Malia, 10) and to sing and dance (Sasha, 7)
• He hates the youth trend for trousers which sag beneath the backside
• He repaid his student loan only four years ago after signing his book deal
• His house in Chicago has four fire places
• Daughter Malia's godmother is Jesse Jackson's daughter Santita
• He says his worst habit is constantly checking his BlackBerry
• He uses an Apple Mac laptop
• He drives a Ford Escape Hybrid, having ditched his gas-guzzling Chrysler 300
• He wears $1,500 Hart Schaffner Marx suits
• He owns four identical pairs of black size 11 shoes
• He has his hair cut once a week by his Chicago barber, Zariff, who charges $21
• His favorite fictional television programs are Mash and The Wire
• He was given the code name "Renegade" by his Secret Service handlers
• He was nicknamed "Bar" by his late grandmother
• He plans to install a basketball court in the White House grounds
• His favorite artist is Pablo Picasso
• His specialty as a cook is chilli
• He has said many of his friends in Indonesia were "street urchins"
• He keeps on his desk a carving of a wooden hand holding an egg, a Kenyan symbol of the fragility of life
• His late father was a senior economist for the Kenyan government

Dance Off

Yet another reason not to go to Jersey:

Morm-Off

Okay, hold the freaking phone. It's bad enough that Mormon's spent all their time and money scaring people into voting against same sex marriage, but now the Mormons are posthumously baptizing dead Jews. I could not even make this up if I tried; it's despicable. Their rationale is that based on genealogy if anyone happens to be even slightly related to a living Mormon, they must baptize them posthumously so that they may meet in the afterlife, and apparently their "Jewishness" is not altered.

First of all, I don't know about you, but who the heck wants to hang out with their family in the afterlife- it's hard enough as it is here. Second, and what is even more disturbing, is that the Mormons are doing this to Jews who died in the Holocaust- a tragedy based on religious intolerance. Mormons, you were cute for a second with your nametags and family oriented PSA's and your magical underpants and your cute little Joseph Smith and plural wives and whatnot, but this is just too far.

The Transition

BushThe43st (10:15:03 AM): hi!

BushThe43st (10:15:10 AM): was soooooooo great seeing u yesterday

BushThe43st (10:15:15 AM): your family is gorgeous!

BushThe43st (10:15:21 AM): had a grt chat

PresidentElectObama (10:19:22 AM): Mr. President, it was an honor and pleasure. Thank you for your hospitality.

BushThe43st (10:19:39 AM): OMG it was nothing!

BushThe43st (10:19:44 AM): so great to have u

BushThe43st (10:19:54 AM): Laura's a fan

PresidentElectObama (10:20:08 AM): She is lovely. Send her my best.

BushThe43st (10:20:16 AM): kno what?

BushThe43st (10:20:33 AM): UR much taller in person.

PresidentElectObama (10:20:37 AM): Ha ha. LOL.

BushThe43st (10:20:42 AM): u are!

BushThe43st (10:20:46 AM): Do u have any more questions for me? Just fire away.

PresidentElectObama (10:21:04 AM): No, but if I think of any I will definitely let you know.

PresidentElectObama (10:21:10 AM): actually, I do have one.

BushThe43st (10:21:18 AM): shoot!

PresidentElectObama (10:21:22 AM): How late is the kitchen open? I do my best thinking at night and I usually like to steal some cookies.

PresidentElectObama (10:21:26 AM): don't tell Michelle!

BushThe43st (10:21:30 AM): hmmmmmmmmmmmm

BushThe43st (10:21:33 AM): dunno

BushThe43st (10:21:38 AM): I usually am in bed by 8

BushThe43st (10:21:45 AM): Mr. Cheney sez I can't get up unless gotta go

PresidentElectObama (10:22:28 AM): OK well thank you

BushThe43st (10:22:41 AM): can I ask you something?

PresidentElectObama (10:22:49 AM): Anything, Sir.

BushThe43st (10:24:08 AM): u feel like starting early?

BushThe43st (10:24:12 AM): u kno as president. just a thought PresidentElectObama (10:30:31 AM): Sir, very funny. ROTFLMAO.

BushThe43st (10:30:46 AM): I'm serious, Bar.

BushThe43st (10:30:52 AM): I can make a law that sez you start tomorrow

PresidentElectObama (10:30:57 AM): Sir, I am honored but will have to respectfully decline

PresidentElectObama (10:30:58 AM): I am still a citizen

BushThe43st (10:30:59 AM): no seriously, I can make a law

BushThe43st (10:31:06 AM): play yr cards right and I'll give u an amendment

PresidentElectObama (10:31:09 AM): you can't really do that. You do know, and I know you do, that first the legislature has to pass an act

BushThe43st (10:31:12 AM): done. I made a law that says I can do that

PresidentElectObama (10:31:25 AM): with all due respect I don't think you can just do that

BushThe43st (10:31:28 AM): oh, I just did

PresidentElectObama (10:31:32 AM): sir, again, I appreciate the offer but I personally need some time as well to transition

BushThe43st (10:31:35 AM): oh, I brought it!

PresidentElectObama (10:31:35 AM): I don't have a team yet

BushThe43st (10:31:43 AM): I brought the pain

PresidentElectObama (10:31:47 AM): Sir, please tell me you are joking

BushThe43st (10:31:49 AM): guess what?

BushThe43st (10:31:52 AM): I have sent the military to pick u up and bring u here- captain's orders

PresidentElectObama (10:32:01 AM): there's a helicopter landing on my lawn. Sir, please, I am asking you kindly- please finish your term

BushThe43st (10:32:20 AM): lallallalla can't hear u!

BushThe43st (10:32:25 AM): I'm gonna miss this

Get it Out

I found the word CETERA in Facebook's Word Twist and now this song is in my head. Who's the creepy stalker in the Bauhaus shirt? Oh, right:

Telephone

So President Elect Barack Obama will be meeting with President George Bush today at the White House for a tour. Below is the a transcript of the secret phone conversation the two had when Bush extended the invite:

*ring ring*

Michelle Obama: Hello?

Bush Aide: I have the President on the line for the President Elect Obama.

Michelle Obama: Great, I'll get him. Bar? BAR? Yeah, it's the phone. For you. It's President Bush.

George Bush: Hello?

Michelle Obama: Oh, hello!

George Bush: Uh, hi. I was told I have Mr. Obama on the phone.

Michelle Obama: Oh, he'll be right here. This is Michelle.

George Bush: Oh, hi. (to aide) You told me he was on the phone. Now I look like a jackass.

Bush Aide: Sorry.

Obama: Hello?

Bush Aide: OK, now I have him.

Obama: Have who? Who is this?

Michelle Obama: President Bush!

Obama: Hello? Hello? Must be those darned kids pranking us again.

(he hangs up) *click*

Bush: Hello?

Phone: *bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

Bush: Dammnit we lost him?

5 minutes later

*ring ring*

Obama: Hello?

Bush Aide: Hello? Oh, Mr. President Elect?

Obama: Yes?

Bush Aide: Great! Great I've got him!

Obama: Now look here you kids, this is a very important line and I need to keep it clear!

Michelle Obama: Let me handle this.

Obama: Oh, you're the best.

Bush: Hello.

Michelle Obama: Yes, didn't you hear my husband the first time?

Bush: Uh, who is this?

Michelle Obama: Your mom.

Bush: Oh, hello Mammy. Sorry, I meant to call someone else. *to aide* Can't you do anything right?

Bush Aide: Oh, no.

Back Home

Palin4Pres2012 (9:54:18 AM): hey that U?????????

Palin4Pres2012 (9:54:28 AM): senator Stevens!!!

iLikePresents1923 (9:54:31 AM): oh hey Sarah welcome back

Palin4Pres2012 (9:54:34 AM): HI! So good to be back

iLikePresents1923 (9:54:39 AM): yes, sorry about the election but you handled yourself very well

Palin4Pres2012 (9:54:39 AM): aw thx!

Palin4Pres2012 (9:54:46 AM): everyonez been great except for the press

iLikePresents1923 (9:54:47 AM): yes they can be nasyt

iLikePresents1923 (9:54:49 AM): nasty

Palin4Pres2012 (9:54:49 AM): hahha

Palin4Pres2012 (9:54:56 AM): LOLOLOLOLOZZZZZ!!!

Palin4Pres2012 (9:55:03 AM): hey so

Palin4Pres2012 (9:55:19 AM): heard about the felony charges

iLikePresents1923 (9:55:19 AM): yes well the people have spoken

iLikePresents1923 (9:55:23 AM): u know, still a Senator

Palin4Pres2012 (9:55:27 AM): hahah!

Palin4Pres2012 (9:55:33 AM): I kno- that goodness 4 your supporters!

Palin4Pres2012 (9:55:40 AM): it would stink if u had to go to jail tho

Palin4Pres2012 (9:55:42 AM): hey sorry about the whole "I think you should step down" thing- they made me say that, the McCain peeps

Palin4Pres2012 (9:55:49 AM): u kno- also made me buy the clothes- GAAAAH like I'd ever shop at Neiman Marcus for realz

Palin4Pres2012 (9:55:53 AM): but anyway

Palin4Pres2012 (9:55:55 AM): what do u planning on doing now?

Palin4Pres2012 (9:55:57 AM): u know- in case you have to step down

iLikePresents1923 (9:55:57 AM): I am standing my ground

iLikePresents1923 (9:55:59 AM): have an appeal out u kno

iLikePresents1923 (9:56:03 AM): will wait to see the will of God and my people

Palin4Pres2012 (9:56:06 AM): totes!

iLikePresents1923 (9:56:08 AM): I assume,e I have your support

Palin4Pres2012 (9:56:11 AM): does a moose wear a hunting vest?

Palin4Pres2012 (9:56:25 AM): hahhahahhah!

iLikePresents1923 (9:56:26 AM): actually, no. No Sarah, a moose does not wear a hunting vest.

Palin4Pres2012 (9:56:30 AM): thatz funny- a moose in a vest

iLikePresents1923 (9:57:44 AM): but wait- are you saying I don't have yr support?

iLikePresents1923 (9:57:46 AM): Gov. Palin I don't like to believe the press but they are saying u want my job

iLikePresents1923 (9:57:47 AM): is that true?

iLikePresents1923 (9:57:49 AM): I need yr support- u kno I belong here

Palin4Pres2012 (9:57:50 AM): That vest would have to be all furry!

iLikePresents1923 (9:57:55 AM): Gov. Palin, please…

Palin4Pres2012 (9:57:58 AM): i am soooooooooooooo picturing that moose LOL

iLikePresents1923 (9:58:02 AM): Um, I am uncomfortable with the direction of this conversation

Palin4Pres2012 (9:58:37 AM): Why? Of course I support ya!!!

iLikePresents1923 (9:58:51 AM): oh thank goodness. Thank u

Palin4Pres2012 (9:59:05 AM): I'll support ya like a moose in a vest!

iLikePresents1923 (9:59:51 AM): ono here we go again

Palin4Pres2012 (10:00:06 AM): Gotta go!!!

Palin4Pres2012 signed off at 10:00:06 AM

Facebook Applications Gone Wild

Et tu, Wordtwist?

Sign Of The Times

So there is a line around the block of my building of hundreds of well dressed, upscale people with briefcases. Turns out there is a job fair next door. Oy. And if that's not bad enough, I found out that after they take your resume you get free bread.

Concess This

So apparently, Sarah Palin had a concession speech prepared even though the VP traditionally does not speak on election night, which most people know but that didn't stop her. I have here the actual speech. You can click on the image for a larger view.

Rental

Speaking of Mannequin, have you heard about that other movie that came out? It's about a real Maverick who thought he picked out a Mannequin to look pretty next to him, but it turns out she's actually alive! And she's a bitch! You should rent this- it's a wacky comedy.

Hey Baby

Miss Information

It has recently been brought to light that Sarah Palin is actually more ignorant than she originally let on. According to McCain aides, she thought Africa was a country, not a continent.

Among other things Palin didn't know:

• Which countries are in NAFTA
• The concept of American Exceptionalism
• How a bill becomes a law
• The capital of North Dakota
• The capital of Delaware
• The capitals of Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Georgia, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Maryland, South Carolina, New Hampshire, Virginia, New York, North Carolina, Rhode Island, Vermont, Kentucky, Tennessee, Ohio, Indiana, Louisiana, Mississippi, Illinois, Alabama, Maine, Missouri, Arkansas, Michigan, Florida, Texas, Iowa, California, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Oregon, Kansas, West Virginia, Nevada, Nebraska, South Dakota, Colorado, Montana, Washington, Idaho, Wyoming, Utah, Oklaholma, New Mexico, Arizone, Alaska and Hawaii
• Her mother's maiden name
• The preamble of the Constitution
• That Congress is made up of the Senate and the House of Representatives
• How to Google
• The definition of the first amendment
• The definition of the third amendment
  
• Wolf Blitzer's real hair color
• The cost of a McDonald's dollar meal
• Who Oliver Stone is
• Who she is, where she is, what is going on
  

All Wet

THE FUNNIEST thing just happened.

This wimpy princess girl in my office asked me if I could change the big Poland Spring water cooler jug because I'm "so much stronger." At this point my lady boss overhears it and she's like, "I can try it."

Me and Princess Girl looked at each other and then back at her.

"No, seriously it's... really heavy and I have a method," I said.

"Ah, screw that! Are you saying I'm weak?" And at that point Bosslady goes into the kitchen.

Once we pointed out where the 5 gallon jugs were, Princess Girl and I stand there biting out nails. I mean, today in particular Bosslady was wearing a really nice suit and had to be live on TV in about an hour. But no, she insisted.

She lifted the jug up towards the cooler and with a huge whoosh, throws it down into the funnel.

And it missed.

Gallons and gallons of water go spilling everywhere, my boss topples back into the espresso machine, knocks over a ceramic coffee cup and it crashes into a million pieces. While flailing about she accidentally activates the steam button, so now there's water splashing all over the kitchen, my boss just trying to steady herself and steam blowing everywhere. Princess Girl is carefully tiptoeing to help her, and I am just frozen at the other end of the kitchen laughing and laughing.

She is now blowdrying her clothes.

New Poll

Run In

It is a lovely day at the Stop 'n Shop.

Michelle Obama: And you know what, we need some more of that 409- the unscented.

Barack Obama: Yes, of course.

Barack Obama steers his shopping cart into aisle 3. He bumps into someone.

Barack Obama: Oh so sorry I... Hil?

Hillary Clinton: Bar? Oh, hey... hi.

Barack Obama: Hi!

Hillary Clinton: Hey.

Barack Obama: Wow! Funny seeing you here!

Hillary Clinton: Oh, just... shopping and stuff.

Barack Obama: Ha! Me too!

Hillary Clinton: Yes, I see.

Barack Obama: Uh so...

Hillary Clinton: Well, I'd ask you what's new but...

Barack Obama: Oh! You heard!

Hillary Clinton: Y...yes. Yes I did.

Barack Obama: Yeah, it was crazy! Last night was nuts.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah.

Barack Obama: Like, I dunno if you saw but there were like, dozens or hundreds of people all on this field...

Hillary Clinton: I know.

Barack Obama: Oh, someone told you?

Hillary Clinton: Yes, it was on the news.

Barack Obama: Oh! Right.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, so. Congratulations.

Barack Obama: Thanks!

Hillary Clinton: So.

Barack Obama: Whoo!

Hillary Clinton: Ah.

REM

This is awesome. Thanks, Steve.

Yes We Did

I had a dream last night that Americans actually turned out and voted. I woke up to find that this was true. I am so happy this morning but a little sad at the same time- could it be that in the past people were so disenchanted with their government in the past that they just didn't vote and that's how we've ended up with Major Dickhead for the last 8 years? Yes, yes they did. But then came Barack Obama. A man who had all of the cards against him- he has a very different (and "scary" to some) name, a busted middle name that for years symbolized fear, he is an African American, and he is young. And in droves people came out to vote for him. Because for the first time in a long time people actually believed that he could make a difference.

I am drunk on pride, enthusiasm, and a half a bottle of Jameson from last night. I am basking in the new health of this country even though I am fighting a nasty cold. And last night I cried tears of genuine joy.

I was also glad to see someone smack that attitude off Sarah Palin's face. You see her at McCain's concession speech (which was awesome, by the way)? I would be a happy woman if I never had to see that hateful, divisive hypocrite ever again.

But back to the love- Barack Obama, I am proud to serve you as much as you are proud to serve us. Welcome home, America.

Go Bama

OK I AM OFFICIALLY FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW.

Could it be after 8 years of major corruption and lies we are embarking on a new era of minor corruption and lies? Last night I broke down and through the awesome Obama website, called registered democrats in Pennsylvania to make sure they got out and voted. Later I found out that through those efforts, the campaign has contacted 3 million people alone this weekend. I spoke to a sassy 93 year lady who proudly told me she mailed her ballot in early, and a parent of a first voting teen who told me she just got off the phone with her son and she planned on picking him up and driving together to their local polling station to vote for Obama. I love it.

Holy Turnout

I've never seen lines like this; this is unbelievable. This is in my friend's neighborhood in Park Slope, Brooklyn. Normally it takes me less than two minutes to vote, today it took 45. So amazing.

Voting

Hey guys! Today, besides being Markie Post's birthday, it was pointed out to me that it is also election day. That's right- it's time to get out and vote for your next president, among others. I've heard a lot of back and forth about some difficulties at the polls, so I've come up with a few tips to make voting easier for you.

• Make sure you are registered. You can do this here at canivote.org.
  
• Bring an ID. Many states require proper identification.
  
• Dress warmly- you may have to wait a while.
• Bring a hot cup of coffee. This will give you both warmth and energy.
• You might want to get a portable chair- one of those cane things that turn into a seat.
• Before you leave the house, make sure all the lights are off, the fish are fed and the cat has extra water in his bowl.
• If you have one, bring a tent. This will provide you shelter.
• No one should leave the house to vote without making sure all bills are paid for the month.
• Set up an "away message" on your email acct.
  
• If you haven't already, make sure you can use one or two vacation days from work.
• Practice your breathing. These things take time.
• Arrive with games to play. Nothing cheers a crowd up more after 10 hours of waiting on line than a little game of "I Spy" or "Who Stole The Cookie From The Cookie Jar". ("Who me? Yes you! Couldn't be! Then who?")
• Think of other fun ways you can amuse your new neighbors. Like say, "Hey, is this the line for the Britney Spears tickets?" or, "I hear they have good bread here."
• When you get to the booth, make sure you know who you are voting for.
  
• If you are unsure, you may want to refer to the internets on your iPhone. Your fellow voters should be patient while you look for a signal.
• Take your time in the voting booth. This is your day.
  

Conversing

McCainCampaignAid2008 (10:33:47 AM): Ms. Palin? That you?

Palin2012 (10:34:00 AM): Haaaaaaaaaaaaaay Don!

McCainCampaignAid2008 (10:34:15 AM): Ms. Palin, u need 2 be in Arizona soon

Palin2012 (10:34:30 AM): I'm votin' in Alaska then headin' down!!!

McCainCampaignAid2008 (10:34:41 AM): Ms. Palin, I see that you are in DC

Palin2012 (10:34:51 AM): Just getting' the vote out!

Palin2012 (10:35:03 AM): lotsa campaingers

McCainCampaignAid2008 (10:35:15 AM): Ma'am you need to be in Arizona in case or when McCain and you win

Palin2012 (10:35:23 AM): aw ya kno I totes talked 2 John- dunno if I can make it

McCainCampaignAid2008 (10:35:49 AM): excuse me?

Palin2012 (10:36:14 AM): prolly not 2 nite- gotta talk ta some Americans!

McCainCampaignAid2008 (10:36:42 AM): Ms. Palin, are you trying to distance yourself fm the party?

Palin2012 (10:36:46 AM): What? Can't hear ya! Yer crackin' up!

McCainCampaignAid2008 (10:36:57 AM): Ms. Palin, this is an IM conversation

Palin2012 (10:37:05 AM): tha screen's all crackly!

Palin2012 (10:37:15 AM): gotta go do some more campaignin

McCainCampaignAid2008 (10:37:27 AM): Ms. Palin, the Senator expects to see you in Arizona

Palin2012 (10:39:11 AM): what?

Palin2012 (10:39:14 AM): darn internets!

Palin2012 went idle at 10:39:24 AM