Guilt Trip

I've been giving my co-workers a hard time about what I might be allergic to. Now whenever they ask me to do something like take a call or if they even just walk by I say morosely, "Maybe that's what I'm allergic to..." It was funny the first ten times but now they're getting quite sick of me. It won't, however, stop me from doing it.

The Best of 2007

Alright guys, it's the end of the year and that means poll time.

What Would Mel Gibson Do?

This is a funny game my co-worker just sent me.

Warning- NSFWIYWIAJOLID (Not Safe For Work If You Work In A Jewish Office Like I Do)

Jesus Camp

If you ever want to sit in front of your TV frozen with your mouth agape, watch this documentary called Jesus Camp. Let's just say it's about these kids that are sent to get the sin smacked out of them so they can get to prayin'. The woman who runs the place condemns science and blesses the powerpoint machine before use so that the evil spirits won't make it break in the middle of the presentation.

What A Weekend!

Wow, things sure got crizazay this weekend. First of all, Thursday I ended up in a hospital via a nice ambulance ride due to an allergic reaction to I don't know what. Long story short my throat almost completely closed up and I had to get the shot of adrenaline, just like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, except it wasn't in my heart and Urge Overkill didn't underscore the three block ride to Lenox Hill hospital which by the way is the best hospital ever. I got my own room and TV and spent all day chilling on a bed on the company dime. Pretty sweet. They finally let me out at 6 PM and I went home with a prescription for steroids, the name of an allergist and a spanking new pair of Epi-Pens.

The next day I went to a wedding in lovely Cape May, NJ which is a cross between a small beachside town and a young girl's dollhouse set. It is actually the National Award winner for "Best Painted Town". We had our own house and it was pretty cool. Plus I was on steroids so I was feeling totally buff and awesome. Unfortunately I had a bit of what is called the old "Roid Rage" and ended up bludgeoning all of my housemates while they slept. No, I'm just kidding!!! But I thought about it.

Anyway, I am back and feeling a lot better. And I'm going to an awesome New Year's party tonight will all of my friends!

So really the question is- anyone want to buy some black market adrenaline?

MeTube

I am officially a YouTube whore. No, not like that kind! I got this awesome camera for Christmas that takes video so I will now bore you with videos of my dog not really doing anything impressive other than being cute. Enjoy.

Design This

I've spent the last hour designing my bedroom.

What Time Is It

I just want to go home and play with my toys.

Aw

Oh, I hate it when this dog does an impersonation of me.

No Thanks

If you couldn't tell from my last post, I'm still drunk hungover from last night's Jesus's birth shenanigans. So I really want some udon. Again with the udon, I know! So I'm adding a sushi roll to my order when I see they have the option to "add natto". I don't know what "natto" is but I goddamn well know how to google so I do and this picture shows up and now I want to barf.

Rap It Up

I'm gone for a few days and a freaking tiger with a "history of violence" escapes the zoo and kills someone. Jesus Christ. Oh, it was his birthday yesterday, speaking of which. Jesus, not the tiger.

Anyway, here's Bindi Irwin rapping about animals.

Americana

If this snowman really were an American that deer would have been shot by now.

I'm Shot

Hey! A Shot At Love, the same show that brought you Tila Tequila is casting for season 2 but with a different celebrity! You can apply online by answering a few simple questions. Let's fill it out, shall we?

1. Stereotype yourself: Are you a player? Hopeless romantic? Shy girl?:

I am a shy hopeless romantic who loves to play. I'm up for everything. Especially love.

2. Do you have any body art? Piercing? Tattoos?:

Yeah, wanna see? Ha, ha! No, seriously, I have a dragon tattoo on my lower back and the Chinese symbol for hope on my neck.

3. Quickly describe your dating life. Do you date often? Go out or Hang out?:

A nymphomaniacal exhibitionist like myself doesn't really need to date. But I like the beach.

4. When was the last time you were really in love? Were you the heart breaker or heart broken?:

I fell for a man on the TV show Eliminidate. He was wonderful but he cut me after ten minutes.

5. If you could date any celebrity, who would it be? Why?:

a. the one on this show, b. because I love him/her.

6. What do you do for fun? Hobbies?:

I work with special needs homeless pets in New Orleans.

7. Quickly break down your typical weekend.:

After a water balloon fight with my housemates, I take my clothes off and go skinnydipping.

8. Why look to T.V. for love?:

The internet is too impersonal.

Are We There Yet?

My belly is full with udon, I've solved several crises here at work, taken out more cash for my boss and now I'm ready to go home.

Udon

I have has the craziest craving for udon soup today. I thought about it last night, I thought about it this morning on the delayed F train, and it was still on the brain as I sashayed my way into the office. I mentioned it to a co-worker and she was like, holy shit, udon. Right? Doesn't that sound great?

Doghouse

"They can put a man on the moon but they can't invent a puppy just for Christmas."

- (some comedian whose name I forgot)

I'm trying to convince my co-worker to adopt a dog. I mean, check this out.

Resting Time

Today has been crazier than a rat in a tin shithouse. I've written about million holiday cards and put different increments of money in them for every single maintenance/door person in the building. My bosses are scrambling around the office to finish things before they take very long vacations in very hot climates, one of the gifts I bought online isn't getting delivered in time for Christmas (sorry Lawyergirl) and I can't stop eating chocolate. Who wants to siphon whiskey into my mouth this evening?

Chocolate Rain

Wow. Based on a colossal holiday gift our company just received, there is going to be some serious re-gifting going on on my part.

Security Detail

I'm about to withdraw $17,700 in $50's and $20's at the bank down the street. Please don't mug me.

Frum The Heart

My co-workers and I were talking about weird dating sites. I mean there's Amish dating, Korean dating, and now... Frumster. Frum is another word for Orthodox Jews and until now, the only way to meet a mate was to stay within your immediate community. Now you can search several, even dozens of blocks away.

I'm sorry, was that kind of offensive.

Commercial Break

Ah, the old times.

Stricken

I've been thinking a lot about this writer's strike. When your union is on strike you actually have to go there and march, preferably outside the studio you work in. But what happens when my union goes on strike? You see, I belong to the Screen Actors Guild, and allegedly our union is striking in a few months. Where will I strike? Outside of my non-existent acting job?

A Baby

The biggest news story of the day is not that Britney Spears' 16 year old sister is pregnant, it's that she DOESN'T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED. Actual quote from her: "It was a shock for both of us, so unexpected," Oh my god. Does that mean you didn't have sex? Somebody get this girl an anatomy model of a uterus, stat.

That's the thing about the Spears family. Do you know "Spears" is actually a stage name? Here's the true story.

Many years ago, Britney's mom walked into this agent's office and said, "I have an act that will blow your mind. First, I've got a very talented daughter. She'll be a pop icon, sing halfway decently, and when she's 16 she's going to get a boob job and become a young sex symbol. But wait... it gets better. After a few years she'll lose her mind, marry some dude for 55 hours, get divorced, pick up a nice cocaine addiction and marry a useless and mildly retarded backup dancer with two children who were born with fetal alcohol syndrome from a previous relationship. And then after two more kids born 9 months apart, they get divorced, she goes to rehab three times, shaves her head, beats a car with an umbrella, gets high on vicodin and tequila minutes before she performs live on the VMA's, and right after that her 16 year old sister gets mysteriously pregnant."

The agent says, "Wow. What do you call yourselves?"

"The Aristocrats!"

"How about 'Spears'?"

"Ok."

Game Time

Okay, TMZ has a camera live outside of my office. At exactly 3:50, I will be outside and wave.

update

OK, did anyone see me? I had a nice conversation with the TMZ camera people. They actually act like real paparazzi. "C'mon! Wave for us!" So I put my coat over my head and ran them over with my Porche.

Bassetty

I've said it before and I'll say it again. There's nothing cuter than a fucking Bassett Hound puppy.

Fun With Legos

This is hilarious- it's an interpretation with Legos of one of comedian Eddie Izzard's jokes.

It's Just Like Food

My building had a "Holiday Buffet" and it took place on a floor that was still under construction. Or maybe I mistook the "fake snow on the beams" for asbestos.

Shake It Up

My dear friend, let's call him "Matthew", threw a huge surprise party for his wife "Sam" this weekend. It was incredible. There was an open bar, everyone was dressed to the nines, the food was wonderful and it's always great to hang out with my friends. So naturally, the conversation turned to vibrators.

Have you heard of this one? It's a programmable vibrator. You can actually set it depending on if you're in the mood to take your time, or if you'd like, there's the option of "quickie". You can even program it to fall asleep immediately or sneak out at 2 AM without leaving a note.

Movies

I don't know if you've ever had to catch the last 5 minutes of Deck The Halls, the Matthew Broderick/Danny DeVito vehicle about two families or something. I have. I don't want to give away the ending but let's just say that when Danny DeVito's family tries to turn the switch on their house the neighbors helped decorate because he wants to be able to have the first house visible from outer space (true), and it doesn't work, everyone feels bad, but then that chick from Wicked starts to sing a song and people hold their cellphones up to create light, and everyone's smiling and waving their cellphones, and then some kid's like, "Wait a minute, we forgot to plug it it!" and at the risk of electrocution he plugs in the lights and the astronauts can see the house. Really.

New Year

Resolutions, resolutions resolutions!!!

Now is the time people. I normally don't do New Year's resolutions because well, they're dumb, but rules are made to be broken so why the hell not!

I think this year I'm going to be a bit more active politically. On a serious note, we're on very dangerous ground these days, and it's made worse by the majority of our country's passivity. For example, look at the transit fare hike- it's kind of outrageous seeing as how the MTA admitted embezzling, I mean, losing a bunch of money that was in the surplus. It's kind of like that few billions of dollars we misplaced in Iraq that no one seems to care about. Well, what if we the riders did an all city boycott of the MTA? It might work- can you imagine?

Man, I'm gonna need a bigger soapbox.

In Your Stars

And now, horoscopes!

Aries (21 March-20 April)
Do something unexpectedly nice for someone today. Not only will it make their day, but it will solve that little problem you have as well.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Someone will be unexpectedly nice to you today. As a result, you may make a crucial relationship decision.

Gemini (22 May-22 June)
Your loved one will make a crucial relationship decision.

Cancer (23 June-23 July)
Recommend a new website today to friends. Like Blackjack.com or YouPorn.

Leo (24 July-23 August)
Today would be the wrong day to view gambling and porn sites at work. It could lead to a very embarrassing situation.

Virgo (24 August-23 September)
A recording you aren’t proud of might end up being viewed by many.

Libra (24 September-23 October)
Jesus, that’s my sister.

Scorpio (24 October-22 November)
I swear, I didn’t give that tape to anyone.

Sagittarius (23 November-22 December)
Stay away from a meddling co-worker. Remember, office gossip isn’t good.

Capricorn (23 December-19 January)
Find out where Sheila from accounting slept last night.

Aquarius (20 January-19 February)
Today would be a good day to call an old friend.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Don’t pick up the phone.

Faces

Ladies and gentlemen, this is my 1,000th post and the one year anniversary of Tempy. I was trying to think of the best way to celebrate, and I think I want to take the time to honor those that inspire me. You, bloggers of the universe, websites with puppies and kitties and celebs. Some of you I know, some of you I don't, but I'd like to take the time to imagine that in this age of cyber anonymity, who would you be based solely by your blog? How would people think of you and better yet, how would you look?

I've taken the time to picks some of my favorite bloggers, and imagine who they really might be.

G-Strings For Orphans

Patientboy

Cute Overload

TMZ

Adventures In Brooklyn

There's A Reason It's Called Acting

Well, off to my audition for a PSA for the Partnership for a Drug Free America.

And somewhere, my dealer from college is laughing.

Pizza Party!!!

This girl in our office ordered pizza and thereby declared it was a pizza party, and it's just her in the conference room and I've never seen anything sadder.

Let's Get Cerebral

You know what time it is...

Crossword puzzle!!! Print this out and make a day of it.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19

ACROSS 5. This guy wants to rub you with a falafel 6. What TV show was Tempy's dog almost on? 7. Oprah's new "It" boy 9. This is the hottest anchor on NY1 11. Someone who doesn't update their blog is called this 13. Go on this website to find pictures of puppies 14. Adventures in where? 15. These are who the G-Strings are for 16. Female boss's nickname 17. What is the name of Tempy when she is working at a bar 18. It swings, but it's not JQ

DOWN 1. Want a picture of a flying tree squirrel? Go here. 2. Abortion is the biggest threat to America according to these guys 3. I just got licensed to be this 4. Nickname of my old cubicle neighbor 8. America's favorite polar bear 10. Mitt Romney! You're such a _____________!!! 12. This was the corporation where Tempy was born

Scardey Kat

So last night when I got home I remembered that I had agreed to feed my neighbor's two cats because she was at her boyfriend's house. Granted I was a bit soberly challenged but I thought, how complicated can these directions be? "There's a can of cat food in the cupboard". Got it.

So I'm looking all around the kitchen and could not for the life of me find any cat food. And these cats really wanted it. There are two of them and they are both kind of overweight. My neighbor also confessed that she hadn't been home in a couple of days and forgot to feed them so they were starved for both attention and food.

One of them kept weaving in between my legs, or maybe my legs were weaving around the cat, I dunno, but she was purring like crazy, whereas the other one was giving me the Condoleeza Rice stink eye. And I still couldn't find the food. I tried reasoning with them and asking them if they knew where the food was. They did not. So, ever the problem solver, I ran downstairs and brought up two cups of dry dog food. They were thrilled. Then I felt bad so I called my neighbor who directed me to the proper pantry where the food was hidden- it was actually blocked behind this thing of wood. So I don't feel like such an idiot. I gave them both the dog and cat food. If you are what you eat, I hope they don't hate themselves today.

An artist's rendering:

Flair-roid

Today the baseball world was shocked to find that some of their players use steroids! But what was even more shocking was the finding that Jason Christiansen of the San Francisco Giants has been playing with a backward torso for years.

Big Day

You guys, in 5 posts it will be my 1,000th post and the one year anniversary of this blog! Give me some ideas of how we should celebrate!


(I got this photo from a Kerry rally)

Google Image Procrastination

The makers of Google Image, Earth and Streetview should just get together and find a way to completely suck the time out of your day. So far today I've seen the building I grew up in, a street I've lived on and where I work. Ask me how many Christmas cards I've finished.

Names

I'm addressing my boss's Christmas cards and I just wrote one to a woman named Bunny. Seriously. I think that's what I'll name my child. Because Whoathatwasanaccident isn't embarrassing enough.

Hair Of The Dog

Yesterday I went out to buy my dogwalkers a Christmas gift. It's bonus season, and I hear that's what you do. And I can write this because I know they don't read my blog so it's not like I'll be ruining the surprise anyway.

First you may ask, why do I have two dogwalkers? Simple: One to walk the dog, the other to screw in a lightbulb. Hey-oh! No, actually the guy who walks my dog is also a friend of mine and sometimes he needs help so he has his friend help out every now and again. And anyone who's walked my dog knows that it's kind of like wrangling an out of control super-powered vacuum cleaner. But I digress.

So I know the main dogwalker guy loves Jameson and his friend is a drunk who'd probably huff a dead horse in a glue factory to get high, so two bottles of Jameson seemed about right. So yesterday I walked into my neighborhood liquor store and brought two medium sized bottles of Jame-o to the counter. You know the kind- they're not the small airplane bottles, but just a teensy step down from the big ones.

The woman behind the counter stares at me and goes, "Uh, why don't you just get one big bottle?" Now, she's thinking I'm buying two medium sized bottles because I really need that much whiskey tonight, whereas I'm still of the mindset that it's for my dogwalkers, to which I respond, "Uh... it's a gift and I mean, they're not that good..." Oh and then we had a laugh! Because she thought... and I thought... ha! Ha... I guess you had to be there.

Anyway, happy holidays to my dogwalker and his drunk friend.

Plumbing

The other day I had the trickiest drain. It was so stuck I could barely even maneuver the plunger into the bathtub and the snake did nothing.

Finally I got me some of that Dran-o and you'll never guess what popped up!

That mangy rascal! It was my dog, Mr. Whitters, I had thought I lost like, 2 or 6 years ago; I forget.

Welcome home, Mr. Whitters!!!

Pie

According to the internets, there was another debate between the GOP hopefuls where they talked about America's most important problems. Here's a little pie chart detailing what, according to them, our country should be most worried about:

Trollson Twins

Peta recently created a website about the Olson Twins, or as they like to call them, "Hairy Kate and Trashly Trollson". I hear you can dress them up in fur and watch doctored episodes of Full House. There goes my afternoon...

Losing It

I guess everyone here in my office is on a diet kick (hi-yah!) because a. it's the holidays and b. my office is full of chicks, but everyone asks me, "Where's the fat free cottage cheese" or, "Did you order dark chocolate?" because dark chocolate is a lot better for you then milk chocolate.

But I guess what I want to know is, I'm the one who needs fucking glasses, why are they always asking me where the rabbit food is? It's their super sneaky way of thinking I'm going to get it for them. Instead I give them the most confusing directions possible: "Go to the kitchen and look at the left hand row of cabinets, up top, three from the left on the lower right hand shelf next to the third box of Wheat Thins."

Lazy bitches.

Work It

According to a study done somewhere by somebody, here are some ways you can burn everyday calories. Looks like I'm doing something right!

Activity Calories burned/hr Aerobics 480 Eating cookies 90 Bicycling ( > 10 mph) 590 Crying, softly to onesself 250 Light gardening/yard work 330 Capoeira 15,590 Sitting 81

Activity Calories burned/hr Sleeping 45 Stretching 180 Talking about a co-worker 310 Blogging 102 Reading TMZ.com 280 Walking (4.5 mph) 460 Thinking about the innocence of puppies 440

What In The...

I used to love someecards.com until they started making this:

Good Boy

Have you heard of "agility dogs"? Agility dogs are dogs especially trained to go through obstacle courses. They win ribbons so the owners feel good about themselves and the dogs get to exercise; everybody wins.

I once tried to teach my dog to jump through a hoop and by "teach" I mean "put a piece of roast beef in front of him" and by "jump" I mean "lazily walk through it". It took a few tries. Much like me, he hates a challenge. He took one look at the hoop and walked around it to get to the food. The same went with jumping over a stick. Why jump when you can walk around? The fastest way from point A to point B is only a straight line if you don't have to exert any buoyancy from your legs.

Here is an agility dog:


Here's my dog:

Feel The Vibration

Someone's cell phone is on vibrate and it feels like it's somewhere near my office. I know it's not my phone, but it sounds like it's coming from my bag. Should I be concerned? It'll be like that scene in Ocean's 11 where this George Clooney slips a cellphone in Julia Roberts' coat and it starts to ring and her boyfriend is like, "Aren't you going to answer your phone?" and she's like, "I don't have a cellphone," and then it's in her coat?

Anyway, there it goes again. Seriously, I'm scared to look in my bag.

On The Trail

Behind the scenes from the Hillary Clinton campaign tour...

Hillary takes a drag of her cigarette, looks out the window. Campaign adviser Alvin Brown is sitting on the edge of the table, swinging one short leg back and forth.

Clinton: It's absurd.

Brown: Oh, is it?

Clinton: Do you think it's time? Do you think the public will believe it?

Brown: Oh, do you think it's time for Oprah to be riding Obama on her back like a friggin circus dolphin? Wake up, Hil! It's time to play dirty!

Clinton: But... he wasn't even there...

Brown: That's why it's so brilliant! (Hops up, pulls down a chart) I get some Vietnam vets to come forward and say Obama was responsible in the killing of over a thousand children in Hanoi on their way to a church newly constructed by Christian missionaries. In retaliation, their parents used Russian Novitock nerve agents against our troops, causing three swiftboats to collide into our safe camp in neutral territory, killing thousands of our own.

Clinton: Novitock nerve gas wasn't invented until the 1990's.

Brown: Oh, was it? (smiling)

Clinton: Even if it was, Obama wasn't in Vietnam.

Brown: So he says... (flips chart over revealing Obama with a gun)

Clinton: That's just a photoshop of the famous picture of Lee Harvey Oswald in his backyard.

Brown: Exactly.

To be continued...

What A Night

"Woooooooooooo. Wooooooooooooooooo..."

That's the noise your dog makes at 1 AM when his dewclaw is caught on the blankie covering the chair he sleeps in.

On an unrelated note, the New York Times wrote an article about how rewarding it is to be a giver. Am I right, ladies?

Staples

Because I ordered more than $175 worth of equipment for the office and used the special coupon code at Staples, I got a free "spa basket". I gave all the weird loofah/sponge/pumice parts to one of the girls and I kept the brushes, mirror and back-exfoliator. I really only want the basket and back-exfoliator. Anyone want some brushes?

A Dare

Okay you guys, a live TMZ camera is set up on the corner of Mercer and Prince street in SoHo. If anyone works near there or is in that neighborhood within the next hour, let me know and I'll watch you. Extra points for holding a sign up to say hi to me.

He Used To Serve Your Food

Remember my friend who did the sketch called, "Knock Knock" who I used to work with at the restaurant?

Here he is in the latest sketch he made with his partner, Brian. If you don't want to watch the whole thing, just skip to minute five. Let's just say Bill Murray makes more than a cameo.

Guess Who

What has two thumbs, is slightly nearsighted, needs glasses and has pupils the size of golf balls causing blurred vision and slight nausea?

This gal.

Eye Don't Know About This

I'm getting my eyes checked today because a. it's been 15 years and b. I'm having trouble seeing. So since I haven't been to the eye doctor in a long time, I forget what to expect. I just think he's going to ask me to read from a chart and then give me a lollypop. Now my co-workers are telling me horror stories of debilitating pupil dilation, contrast sensitivity testing and "puffs of air in the eyes". I've had my pupils dilated before, but everything else doesn't sound so cool.

Lewis "Scooter" Fibby

Jesus H. Christ.

Are you kidding me? Lewis "Scooter the Cooter" Libby dropped his appeal, which is smart because if he's found guilty again, papa Bush probably won't be able to pardon him.

Boo hoo, whaa. Whaa. This man is guilty of obstruction of justice for covering the fact that an active CIA operative was outed and basically, given a death sentence. I think that's called treason and I think that you can kind of get the death sentence for that.

If I Were A Rich Woman

I had a dream a while back that I won like, a bajillion dollars off a scratch card. It could happen, right? I mean, if J-Lo's mom can win $2 million in Vegas after already giving birth to an empire, I've got nowhere to go but up.

So here's the age-old question: If you won a stupid amount of money, and you already paid off your loans/medical bills/freeloading Southern relatives, how would you spend the extra money? I mean, on fun stuff. Here's what I would do:

1. My dog's got a few years left. So before he buys the farm, I'd like to buy him one. With a talking spider and a whiny pig.

2. Pay NY1's Pat Kiernan to come to my house and read me what's in the papers every morning.

3. I'd buy all kinds of chef's to cater my food so I don't have to rely on take out. I'd get those that specialize in Thai, French, Japanese, Italian, Middle Eastern, Chinese and Indian food. And just to make pat Kiernan happy, I'd get one that exclusively does Canadian.

4. Who wants a house made out of candy apples?

5. I'd get 5 dolphins to go into my humongous pool. Two to do tricks and make me smile, two to transport me from one end to the other, and one to make drinks.

6. Project Runway? Screw that. Tim Gunn and all you designers- you work for me now. And I make the cuts and you still have to have the runway shows, challenges and model walk-off's. And Nina Garcia will feed me grapes.

7. I'd pay Donald Trump whatever he wants to go to Lynne Cheney and say, "Who wants a combover ride?"

8. Speaking of Lynne Cheney, I'd re-publish her lesbian romance novel, Sisters.

Gosh, the possibilities are endless. What would you do?

Weekend Plans

I don't know about you all, but my plans have been canceled.

Masterpiece Theater

Please enjoy as these squirrels re-enact the pivotal scene from Knocked Up:

TV Personality

My boss was just doing an appearance on a live TV show in our conference room turned studio, and we were all next door watching it daring each other to walk in there while she's talking to fix the piece of hair in her face.

Cat In A Bowl

This is insane.

Who's The Embosser?

Yeah, that's right.

Trump Tower

This is a recent tip from Donald Trump:


Somebody has a small penis.

Free Booze!

It's the holidays and that means office gifts from people who do business with us!

We just got delivered a case of Veuve Clicquot. And we each get a bottle. I know what I'm doing tonight. Kickin' back with a bottle of bubbly in my new flannel PJ's and some episodes of Tila Tequila.

In Your Facebook

Have ya heard about this newfangled Facebook the kids are crazy about these days? Well after numerous friend requests I finally joined, and it's really weird. Friends can do all these strange things to you like bite, chest bump, defenestrate, dropkick, headbutt, high five, hug, kiss, lick, pet, pinch, slap, spank, sucker punch, tickle, trip, worship, throw a sheep at you. I'll log on and it says "Hello! A [friend from ten years ago you smoked pot in the bathroom with from college] has superpoked you!" I'm emotionally bruised.

Your friends can also "write on your wall" and become a zombie.

So basically... people you haven't seen in years, but whom you are actually happy to get back in touch with, are now immortal abusive vandals.

Fun With Eyes

Okay, this is super creepy. It's one of those "look at this painting for a while and you'll see an elf masturbating" kind of thing but better because it actually works.

So, look at the 4 dots in the middle of this thing for 30-40 seconds, then look at a white wall and blink a bit. Who do you see?

Trampy Holidays

So yesterday evening I was about to leave work when two of my female co-workers cornered me. They said, "Listen, we've been talking and... we think that at the holiday party, as long as you name your price, you should give [Creepy Male Boss] a lap dance right when he starts talking about the superiority of Judaism." Ha ha ha, very funny.

Now, if this were still my bar job, this wouldn't even be an issue but seeing as how it isn't I actually vomited a bit in my mouth. It's now a joke amongst us three which will be great during the holiday party where the three of us have already created a drinking game. Wouldn't it be something if I did that, though? Put a little tramp stamp tattoo of a dreydel on my lower back and hired a Klesmer band to play some Tone Loc?

Triv This

I used to run a very successful pub quiz night at this bar I worked at, and I have to say I miss the old trivia. One of my co-workers made it his mission today to stump me, but I showed him who was boss. And then I got a hankering to make an old fashioned quiz. Indulge me, will you? Now don't cheat and Google- I'll know if you did. Good luck and enjoy:

* note- on question 9, it should be "boils" not "freezes".

Tempy's Trivia Challenge

No...

I love Heidi Klum and I'm sure Seal is a nice guy, but this duet thing is a worse idea than when Gwyneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis sand "Cruising Together".

I'm Bendy

For those of you who don't know, I have started taking Capoeira, a Brazilian fight-dance thing. It's what you see those people in the park do where they stand on one hand and do slow motion Matrix kicks. Me, I've just learned how to do this thing called Ginga, not to be confused with the Jenga, the game the whole family can play. If the whole family were to do the Ginga invariably someone would be calling child services.

Anyway, the thingamaGingy turns into a duck and roll, much like the person on the left of this photo, like so. There's a twist and leg roll that follows it that when done by my instructor looks like poetry in slow motion, but when done by me looks like a newborn foal trying to walk.

I Have The Power

Yeah, I just used my drill gun to build some shelves...

(hair flip)

Pittiful

Okay, I'm going to reveal something here- even though I am a straight, sexually aware woman, I have never really gotten the whole Brad Pitt thing. I mean, I guess he's cute and a good actor from what I hear, but he just doesn't do it for me.

So now I read in the news today that he's all, "I think I'm over the acting. It's a young man's game," First of all jacktard, that's why men are so lucky- they are never too old to get the good roles.

Then he's all, "Yeah, I'm going to take this massive amount of money I've accrued from my 'good looks' and build eco friendly houses in Louisiana. And maybe every few years I'll throw the ladies a bone and do some dumb flick with George Clooney where I show my asscrack. And then I'm going to bite the Hollywood gift horse in the mouth and talk about how shallow it is that all people care about is looks. By the way, have you seen my hot girlfriend I left my wife for?"

Maybe I'm paraphrasing a bit, but I still think he's a douche.

Wisdom

Again, wise words from my friends at someecards.com.

Happy Anniversary

Ladies and gentlemen, it will soon be Tempy's one year anniversary, which happens to coincide shortly with a 1,000th post. So my question to you is: How shall we celebrate? I am accepting ideas. An online party? How would one do that? What a great idea for a website- like a big chat room party without the pedophiles or those who try to entrap them.

Iran-y

So, Iran it turns out has no nuclear weapon making capabilities, but Bush said that it didn't matter because, "Iran will be dangerous if they have the knowledge necessary to make a nuclear weapon."Bush then said, "Like I have the knowledge to make mountains crumble." He then dramatically put baking soda in a papier-mâché volcano and poured some vinegar in it and stood back solemnly whispering, "It's just like that".

Somewhere in the south, a Fox news fan saw that and pulled out his rifle, ready for anything.

Anchor Love

Okay, I have a confession to make. I have the biggest crush on NY1's morning anchor Pat Kiernan. And it's not just because he hosts the World Series of Pop Culture, the best show ever. It's not only that he has dashing good looks and is Canadian (I have a thing for Canadians). But every day he just gets sassier and sassier. In my favorite segment, In The Papers, he just goes through all the morning newspapers and says the snarkiest things. I find myself waking up in the morning just to spend my five minutes with him. Also, here's a weird PK fact- he never closes his mouth in between sentences. Once you know that, you'll start noticing it.

Testify

Those of you who read my blog in lieu of picking up the phone to talk to me may have noticed that I was absent yesterday. I'm going to tell you a story. It's loosely about my "acting career" so if you don't want to hear it please just scroll down to the picture of a baby fennec fox.

A few days ago I got a call from the nice people at Law & Order asking if they could show my photos to the director for a featured role. Now I'm not stupid and I know that you can dress it up all you want, but featured role sans audition is a glorified word for "extra". But I was intrigued so I said, sure.

The next day they called with "Good news! The director has picked you to be the 'feminist rocker'". Typecast, natch. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I was in a lesbian punk band called Bitch Chicks on the Rag in college. That is actually true.

Still curious, but prepped for the worst, I got out of work for Monday, packed my bag of wardrobe options and arrived on set. Once there, I went through what was explained to me was a very important "Phase Three" of the casting process, where the director walked by the a batch of us there and handpicked myself and some other people.

And that's how you get picked for jury duty on Law & Order.

Now, I haven't served real jury duty but I am amazed at how the selection process for both are equally selective. I also found out that because I was "on the jury" that I couldn't be on Law & Order for like, 2 years or something. Much like real jury duty. I guess they're afraid some crazed fan will protest.

Anyway, I served my time. It was a good day, no overtime, nice people and craft services had warm chocolate chip cookies. It was actually a grand jury so I didn't get to sit in that fancy elevated deck thing; just a dusty old room. And now, I'm off the hook for a while.

As promised, a baby fennec fox: