Shhhhhhhhhhhh

Have you guys heard of The Secret? It's this new stupid fad self help cult DVD that makes all your dreams come true.

Take Amanda, 25:
"She spent a night diagramming what she wanted in her life, using a piece of paper and a Sharpie pen: happiness, security, freedom; good relationships with her friends and family; fitness and health goals; less stress -- and in one corner, she wrote that she wanted her $50,000 loan by the next day at 3 p.m. She made a call to her banker the next morning: no news. But by 3 o'clock, the mail arrived, containing a letter saying she could call to get the funds transferred into her account."

A miracle? Or just a scheduled bank transaction? You decide.

Me, I'll sit here and diagram with my sharpie a vision of me leaving work a whopping 10 minutes early. If I get $50,000 transferred into my account, I'll let you all know.

Slow Day At The Office

Everyone's leaving early because it's the holidays. This guy here just left to catch his chopper to the Hamptons. The Girl Next To Me and I are playing stupid games on the internet. I took a 45 minute "bathroom break". There are almost no Peppermint Patty's left, thanks to me. I just prank called a co-worker in a glass office 10 feet away from me. I'm tired.

WikiTempia

I finally made it to Wikipedia. Scroll down to the "See Also" section.

Yes, It Would

A quote from a contributer in today's Metro paper when asked about the Spice Girl's reunion: "Didn’t Ginger pose nude? My favorite memory was thinking that the lyrics to 'Wannabe' meant that if you want to be lovers with one of them, you had to sleep with all of their friends. Has anyone ever done that? That would be awesome." — MV

But Who Will Make The Barbie Dolls?

I know what you are thinking.

"Tempy, I want to know what it feels like to be a 9 year old Pakistani child!"

Who doesn't? Well now you can. Thanks to Nike's new "Make Your Own Sneaker" phenomenon available at the Nike on Elizabeth street. It's invite only, much like the children who are forced to invite themselves to work 18 hour days.

Media

This is a crazy and uncomfortably funny clip of a journalist losing it this morning:

Great

Yet another reason to freak out. This story is about a kid who contracted a rare flesh eating virus from bumping his mouth playing basketball.

Spice Women

They're back:


I mean, not much has changed. Except Posh is a wee bit tinier, Sporty is still a closeted homosexual, Baby is now a 40 year au pair, Scary is Eddie Murphy's illegitimate baby momma and Ginger is a sales rep at Laura Ashley.

ADHSTD

I don't know what was worse about the Paris Hilton interview with Larry King. Was it that Paris is actually even more vapid and uninteresting than we originally thought or the fact that Larry King kept referring to her ADD at ADT?

And

There is a blackout on the Upper East Side.

I Am Now Officially Grossed Out

I was doing some research about something completely unrelated to the following when I came across this on a website:

"Are you feeling stressed out, lethargic, bloated and/or gassy? Do you suffer from loss of appetite? Have you ever experienced burning sensations in the pit of your stomach? Do you eat more than normal but still feel hungry?Are you frequently constipated? Do you grind your teeth or drool while sleeping? Have you been feeling fatigued? The reality is you could be infested with parasitic worms."

The next line is:

"Please do not panic! And please remain calm."

No, and no.

I'll Order Your Phoenix

This is for my friend G-String.


Dude. This movie's going to be totally hot.

No, I'll Call You

Check out the new Samsung's SGH-E910 Bang & Olufsen Fashionphone:


This guy from an office in London we do business with was in today and showed off this sweet gadget. I mean, look at the throwback to rotary with an iPod-like wheel. And the screen and shape, damn, Samsung, why you gotta be like that?

1 + 1 = 2

I'm not the new girl anymore, as we have hired two new people and will be hiring one more, but I am still just the assistant. Here is a conversation I just had with High Energy New Woman In The Office:

HENWITO: "Do you have the canceled checks from the company?"

Me: "From this (gesture to computer) account?"

HENWITO: "No. Yes. I mean, yes."

Me: "No, we get the bank statements."

HENWITO: "So who gets the canceled checks?"

Me: "Not me. I don't think we get them at all. Let me che..."

HENWITO: "But someone gets them?"

Me: "Hold on..." (bee boo bop *phone*) "Hello, (Accountant I Like), do we get the canceled checks?"

AIL: "What?"

Me: "Um, you may want to get over here."

HENWITO: "I am so confused and so high energy all at the same time!"

AIL: "Uh, yeah, we don't get the canceled checks, we get the bank statements.

HENWITO: "So who gets the canceled checks?"

AIL: "No one."

Me: "(to myself) That's funny, I thought I just said that."

HENWITO: "I am going to explode with energy!"

Massive eye rolls from me to AIL.

I'm Hungry

I think the best part of this is that the picture is called "dog-in-a-bun-like-a-hotdog.jpg".

So Witty

I just finished assembling yet another office chair from Staples. They are so easy to put together this time I didn't need the instructions. But this time, I got way many more comments.

"You'll be an expert at that!"

"When you're done, my car's outside; It needs some work."

"Need some help?"

"Uh oh!"

"Wow, a chair!" (2x)

"Part of the job description?" (2x)


But it's all okay because I found out I may be getting DENTAL INSURANCE.

It's Like Babysitting...

... but getting paid more.

My co-worker just vomited.

Um, That's Our Conference Room

I've already told the guy twice that my boss needs to use the conference room that belongs to our company and all I got was blank stares.

No more Ms. Nice Guy. I have physically removed grown men out of places before.

Whopp Whoop

Today on the train I sat next to the well dressed banker blasting techno music out of his headphones.

Things Wrong With This Picture

a. My boss is going to the beach for the summer
b. I just got a free Blackberry
c. I'm drinking orange soda

So many things wrong...

Bllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarff

Huge waterbug walking around the office.

But the thing is, even he had more money than I did.

Mmm... Tempy

Holy f@#king s@#t. Today is the day.

Hanson has a banner ad contest. If my blog has people click the banner ad below the most times, Hanson will write a song for me.

Click away:



Until I win, anyone is free to write a song about me, PS. I just know the one's they'll write will be so infectiously pop-y.

It's Just A Symbol. Of Pain.

Cameron Diaz was chastised this week for wearing a Chinese bag with communist messages in Peru this weekend.

According to CNN: "The actress has been in Peru as part of '4 REAL,' a Canadian TV production that focuses on young community leaders around the world."

Note, name of said show has nothing to do with potential name of a baby in New Zealand.

Trap It Out

I caught a bit of the remake of Disney's The Parent Trap starring Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan when she was 11 years old and still sober. A big fan of the original, the new one is just as fun! But there's something I never quite got- what judge or person in their right mind would approve of splitting up twins so each parent could have a kid? I mean that's just... weird.

The Lindsay's were great, but I prefer her work on TMZ.

Jealousy

You might look at this and see an adorable kitten in a pickle of a situation!

Tempy sees this and is jealous of that person's huge warehouse apartment.

Wow

This fat free tofu herb dressing isn't all that I thought it would be.

But Where Do You Live?

The Girl Next To Me and I were chatting in the elevator about our previous night's adventures and GNTM says, "I got home at like, 2:30 am but my sister ends up on my couch with this British guy at 5 am." To which some random girl in the elevator flips up her sunglasses and slurs, "I just got home seven minutes ago."

Um........

Cyber Terror

My dog does this to the vacuum.

No, 4 Rizzle

After my last post I became obsessed with names.

Here's something cool: The Band Name Generator.

Peace out,

Yellow Tempy of the Abstract River

I Wish This Weren't True

But it is.

Authorities Tell Parents Not To Name Their Son "4real"

It's Like Cher, But Not

This is from an article on CNN.com about new laws imposed among the Aborigines in Australia. I think a certain reporter is having a little snarffle, he is!

"I'm absolutely disgusted by this patronizing government control," said Mitch, a member of a government board helping Aborigines who were taken from their parents under past assimilation laws. "And tying drinking with welfare payments is just disgusting," said Mitch, who uses only one name.

That's Right

I just used the words, "...she has spent $6,000 on your company," and "...is a very important woman" in the same sentence on the phone to a company manager. The president of the company will be calling me because I do not take no for an answer. I just sure hope those two camp shirts get sent here by today.

OK

I know I always bombard you with animal pictures and I didn't want to do this but it's my damn blog and I can do whatever I want so here's a funny picture of my dog my friend just sent me:

Captain Graybeard AKA Mr. President Herbert Hoover

Picasso

This is Picasso:


Picasso was a dog who lived in my neighborhood. If you think you're seeing things, you aren't; Picasso's nose got twisted to the right due to a birth defect. He was always a sweet dog, and I just found out that he died a while back from liver failure. Luckily, he has his own fund.

Rest in peace, little buddy.

Politics

And get me a turkey pot pie while you're at it.

My Dogwalker...

... as a cop.

I Now Present

Celebrity quote of the day:

"Do I have a large frog in my hair? Something's crawling out of my scalp. No, but I feel it. I'm not worried about the looks. I'm worried about the sensation of my brain being eaten ... What did you ask me?"

- Joaquin Phoenix

Finally!

A lot of you who don't know me probably want to know what I look like. Well, I've attached a picture!

I hope you don't mind, my posts are now taking banner ads.

iCat

Ladies and Gentlemen

I would like to present to you the first ever limited edition L-Rose Balls mug:


Originally created for a special woman as a birthday gift, this collectors mug is now available to the general public for a limited time. Much like those gold coins the guy on TV keeps pedaling, this will be worth a lot of money in a few years. But unlike those gold coins, this mug doesn't suck. Order yours today.

Advice

Feeling down? Here's some advice from self help guru Allen Klein:

"The hardest thing you can do is smile when you are ill, in pain, or depressed. But this no-cost remedy is a necessary first half-step if you are to start on the road to recovery."

Wow, I feel so much better now.

Open Letter

An Open Letter To The Guy In College I Used To Fool Around With My Senior Year (not the gay one)

Dear Guy In College I Used To Fool Around With My Senior Year (not the gay one),

I think the last time I saw you after I let you crash at my place so you could find an apt. in New York was eight years ago. Wow, how time flies. Eight years. A lot has happened! And I know you feel badly we lost touch because I've heard through the grapevine that you remember I was always so nice to you. That's how I roll, GICIUTFAWMSY (ntgo).

So I guess I find it curious that on a nice Saturday afternoon that while I am hanging with friends old and new at one of my favorite restaurants in the neighborhood, you couldn't just come over and say hi.

I mean, you are the goddamn waiter.

Now, I know maybe it wasn't your "section" or "someone else had taken the table", but as I sit outside drinking my pint size bloody mary watching you steal looks at me because I am wearing mysterious sunglasses, could you just put that ice bucket down and say hello? I'm right here. I could touch you. I mean, really.

Yes, yes it's me. You know you took a job in my neighborhood. Would it have killed you to at least pretend you recognize me?

Cuz I ain't coming to you.

Listen, I see no reason whatsoever that we can't be on friendly terms. We were good friends. I never told anyone that the only reason we never had actual intercourse is because you were on high levels of Prozac at the time due to your manic depression and couldn't get it up. No one! I kept that a secret, and I always will. It's between us.

Speaking of between us, there was about three feet between us as my friend walked me out of the restaurant and you busied yourself with napkins. Really?

I don't remember a particular falling out, GICIUTFAWMSY (ntgo), save for the one time you joked after not calling for a month that there was a list of people you call and I'm at the bottom of it (ha ha) to which I said, "Funny... I have a list of people I don't call and now you're on the top of it". Not funny?

Oh, well. So now I can either not go to that restaurant again :( or, rather, make a point of going there every Saturday. But... that's kind of weird. For now, I'll just continue to bask in the fact that I looked good that day.

Uh Oh

I wonder what's going to happen when the tequila wears off.

Can You Hear Me Now?

You know you work in a swanky neighborhood when your resident Vietnam paraplegic in a wheelchair has a cellphone.

Good Tempy

As most of you know, I loves me some painkillers (Vicodin, Percocet). I find they are fun to take in small doses recreationally.

But this minute I just turned down an offer from someone I know for some free Oxycontin. Maybe it's because I am taking care of my body these days, or I associate it with Rush Limbaugh. Regardless, even I can't believe I didn't at least take it to sell on the street.

I Like "Justatesomethingreallyexpensiveandshiny"

What do you think this dog's name is?

Spacey

A woman in Illinois can pick up the inside of space shuttle Atlantis' mission with her baby monitor. In other news, her child has been neglected and NASA still sucks.

Youth

My co-worker's friend is a teacher in a NYC public school. The 8th graders recently did a dance in front of the class to the new breakout rap hit, "Girl You Stank (Take a Bath)". I'd post all of the lyrics but they're pretty raunchy. Here's a taste:

"Now we can chill and watch t.v. or i can take you out to eat
but if we have to leave the house we headed straight to mickey d's
pull up in tha drive through
ask me what I'm buyin you
what you think I am tha bank?
maybe if you weren't so stanky"

Call Him Scruffy

Madge! The dog got in the steel wool again! Maaaaadge!

Just Reading TMZ

Of course my boss' luggage was lost and now I have to get on the phone with the airline. Can't I eat my caramel rice cake in peace? It's like I have a job or something.

Nature Vs. Tempy

I must've gotten bit by a mosquito or something last night because when I woke up this morning my left eye was a might puffy. It actually looks pretty normal now, but it itches and of course that makes it feel worse than it is. So here is a self portrait of how I feel like I look right now:

No Time

Uh oh.

I just got a call from the Intergalactic Trading Company. Turns out- they can't sell me the Fossil Klingon watch because it's been heavily used and they didn't realize that.

How do I break it to my boss? Maybe I can do like what they do in those movies where the lackey loses the important person's dog so they go out and buy a dog that looks like the last one, then the other dog returns and then they've got two dogs.

By the way, this is how I picture my wedding:

Even Better

These

are gross.

But upon doing google research to get a picture for this blog, I found this bit of information:

"Excess Consumption May Have A Laxative Effect".

No, no kids... Tempy stays with the Peppermint Patty's. I was just trying something new. And in small quantities.

Cute Or Dumb (Or Canadian)?

In training for Taco Bell:

Conscience

Is it bad that I am ordering soup two days in a row?

Is it bad that when I need a tampon from the machine at work, I just open the door and don't pay my quarter because I know it's broken?

And finally, is it bad that everyone in the office is having a very hard time keeping their composure when floral print co-worker walks by? I mean, it's serious.

Klingon? I Don't Even Know...On

Since everyone really wants to know, I will now reveal the story behind the limited edition Fossil Klingon watch.

The first one was bought as a gift for a co-worker who is leaving. After working with the company for 10 years he is moving on. It's actually a really nice watch. My boss was so impressed by the first watch, she wanted to buy one for her husband, hence, the second watch.

Wow. That's boring.

Okay, would it be better if I just said they were both for me? They're not. That would be stupid. To buy two watches? Who buys two watches? Just because I have two wrists does not mean I would need two watches. Of course had I bought the watches, which I did not, I would buy one to wear and one to keep for collector's purposes, if I were to go to the annual convention and want to show off or maybe sell it in the next ten years or something.

What?!

bIjatlh 'e' yImev.

Who Cut The Drapes?

If someone vomited large pastel flowers onto a roll of sheer spandex and then fashioned it into a form fitting two piece top and pants set, that will give you a good idea of what one of my co-workers is wearing today.

For My Next Act

Five day old ice cream cake, meet my mouth. Mouth, five day old ice cream cake.

But Can It Become Extinct?

This is Pleo, the newest in animatronic robotic technology.


According to CNN: "Pleo's surprisingly realistic movements are created by 14 motors and six processors. (Furby had one of each.) Thanks to a nose-mounted camera and 30 sensors, it's clever enough to avoid walls and table edges. It's also sensitive to touch, noise, movement, and even other Pleos. Its personality is so complex that Chung says it'll take years for each individual dino to come into its own."

Just to be safe, I'm building a giant meteor.

Quiz Time!

Take My Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com Can you Ace my quiz? Yes! No Let's Find Out!

And Another Thing...

This redefines the meaning of "Kiss my ass":

Lost Boys

Okay, a couple of questions. 1. Who is going to watch the new reality show about Corey Haim and Corey Feldman on A&E called The Two Coreys? And 2. When did Corey Haim become a lesbian?

Smart Guy

If you want to meet chicks and drive the kids crazy, don't bother with puppies or kittens- get a hedgehog.



I was on my way to the city this weekend when I heard a kid go on the train, "Doggie! Doggie!" To which this guy holds up a cage and says, "Actually, it's a miniature hedgehog."

Awwwwwwwwwww! All the ladies and children start crowding around him. You should have seen the look in this guy's face like, all this time, who knew- all he had to do was bring a stupid exotic pet on the train with him to meet ladies.

Personally, I just wanted to see what a hedgehog looked like. Guess what? It looks like a hedgehog.

Arts

I hear this is an awesome show:

But How Is It On Poles?

I found out how to remove polyurethane. It's a product called Citistrip Stripper.


But the weird thing is, you can only pay for it with one dollar bills.

Charges At Large

Jaded as I was by the absurdity of this weekend, I was actually blown away by this: Scott Baio has a new reality show and it's called Scott Baio is 45 and Single.



I...just...

It Gets Weirder

I was just instructed to order another Fossil limited edition Klingon watch. This time from IntergalactricTrading.com.

My Super's Ex Girlfriend

Friday when I came home from work I found our favorite character, my super's girlfriend, outside the building complaining about something. But this time everyone in the building was outside and the cops had just left.

Que?

Turns out she called the cops because she was "in danger". The Po-Po chalked it up to a domestic dispute. So after an emergency building meeting following the discovery that she had spent all day shellacking the hallway in polyurethane and telling someone she was going to "burn the building down", coupled with the fact that she insisted one of the girls in the building was her niece and I am a member of the Nazi party, the second time she called the cops (because "they" were going to stab her with "rusty Vietnam knives"), we took over.

We explained to the policemen that she was a paranoid schizophrenic mid-episode and she was a danger to herself and those around her. The cops talked to her for a total of five minutes before they agreed with us and called the ambulance.

First best line from the cops: "How do you spell polyurethane?"
Next best line: "Is one of you her niece?"

And finally, after they explained to her that if she didn't go willingly they'd force her to the ambulance she said, "Like last time?"

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh. Other than that I had a lovely weekend.

Anyone know how to remove polyurethane from a hallway?

More Stuff

I'm also leaving here today with a framed Yankees poster signed by Derek Jeter. I know exactly who I will be giving this to. Let's just call him the Captain.

There Is A God, And Adam Was Gay

Hey, remember that Creation Museum? It turns out that a video of Adam was pulled from the exhibit because the actor who played him used to run a suggestive porn site named Bedroom Acrobat.

So here's a question, what's the best thing about this story?

Presents!

The Girl Next To Me just gave me some swag from her boss' last event, and I got this sweet Tube Cube:


It's a piece of crap really, but it'll be good for when I go to the beach or hang outside my window this summer yelling at neighborhood kids.

In Case You Were Wondering

I need a nap.

Not Cute Anymore

As most of you know, my superintendent's girlfriend is nuts. Like, "the FBI is after me, I hear voices, I'm going to start a fire in the building and then pass out" nuts.

Over the years she's actually gotten worse. This morning I exited my apartment only to find that every light in the hallway was shut off. I make my way down the pitch black stairs and flip all of the lights back on. Like a ninja awaiting its prey she jumps out from behind a door and tells me that those lights are to be kept off because they'll just "burn out anyway" and there's "enough light outside". Oh, okay, that'd make sense if out hallways have f@#king windows, which they don't.

I've just about had it. So after years of dealing directly with my super, (who thinks she's autistic and not schizophrenic because she "puts things in piles all day"), I called my landlord. She's going to have a stern talk with them, I'll tell you that.

Rated G For Generally Frightening

Hey, we all know lovable Shrek! Aw, he's so cute and funny looking. And hey, remember his enemy the evil Lord Farquaad? Man, he's nasty and scary. Look at this picture:

Whoo (shudder). Okay, now take a look at the typical villain I was forced to watch on the big screen in one of the more popular movies of my childhood, The Dark Crystal:

Not so bad! The Skeksis only kidnapped the Gelflings into slavery, sucked the life out of Podlings and siphoned sunlight to gain eternal life. No biggs! I'd take bad guys like these nasty creatures over scary Lord Farquaad any day of the week.

Oh, and Bambi's mother deserved it.

If You Like Funny...

I'm sure you've heard of this but it's still priceless.

Evan O'Dorney is the kid who won the National Spelling Bee this year, is home schooled and has Asperger's Syndrome. So how can CNN make the interview even more awkward?

Find out:

Young. Nubile. Illegal.

This morning I was pleased to see a high school trip from the Midwest taking in the marvels of this beautiful city I call home as their teacher stood above them on the marble steps outside of the Plaza hotel educating them about New York history.

And adjacent to the mass of 16 year old girls was a line of older businessmen... staring at their tight shorts.

Aaaaah, New York.

I Can Dance; I Want To

Another mystery solved at the office. I'll share: without googling, what is the name of the band who sang the 80's hit, "Safety Dance"?

Games

Can you guess the "celeb"?

Not Good

"Woof!"

"Reow!"

"Grrr!"

"Rrrrear!"

etc...

I Told You To Sell!

Now this is what I expected when I entered the financial world. HUGE trader fight. I guess someone gave the oder to sell, and something was short or long, and someone didn't get the memo so they didn't sell and now they lost millions of dollars or something.

Awesome. But it's not my company, it's the one that shares the office with us. My only job today is to get new batteries for the Fossil Collectors Edition Star Trek Klingon watch that arrived at 10:00 this morning.

Temptation Idol

There's a new reality show called Bragging Rights that is currently casting. The gist of it is there's a bunch of horny guys and a model, and the guys try to see who can hook up with her. It's like The Bachelorette meets Pretty Woman. No, wait, in Pretty Woman she's a hooker. Wait... no, okay, maybe more like Wife Swap meets Hogan Knows Best. No? Oh dear.

Either way I'm sure the show will be a goddamn train wreck.

The Water's Polish

How many Tempy's does it take to change the big watercooler jug?

One. Bitch.

I Mean

... she really wasn't that short.

Just Like Comedy

"Hey! Did you hear the one about the baby seal who walked into a club?"

Saucer Of Milk, Table Two

The singing telegram is gone. And after she left one of the girls said, "That was the ugliest wig I've ever seen. And last I checked, Marilyn Monroe didn't wear flats... from Easy Spirit."

Oh Boy

The company we share an office with hired a midget Marilyn Monroe impersonator to sing Happy Birthday to a guy in the office.

She's changing in the bathroom right now.

Chaos

The entire building's phone system went out as did the Bloomberg computers. You'd think the investors would be losing their minds, but instead they are taking long walks and eating lunch.

Thank god the internet is up.

Lightning Strikes

I don't like former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, even though he actually cleaned up New York after 9/11 with his bare hands and singlehandedly saved us from all future terror threats, but I have to say I felt bad for him during the debate last night.

While talking about his stance on abortion, the theater was hit by lightning and cut out portions of his answer.



I have to say, I really did like his response and it takes guts for a candidate, especially a republican, to talk about separating church and state.

It's too bad god hates him.

Today

What I did today:

- Ordered a collector's edition Fossil Star Trek Klingon watch with next day delivery
- Arranged a private jet to fly to a camp in Maine
- Enjoyed a complimentary continental breakfast in the lobby of my building

All this before 10:00.

This Is The Box; This Is Me Thinking

I just ordered a box for a lacrosse stick. The box was $4.50 and the shipping was $20. The question is, what does the box come in?

Let's Learn Each Other

From my internet spam box:

"Subject: How about learning each other

Hi, my gentleman

I believe that you are my soul mate and I am even more confident that you are kind, bright, well-behaved person with wonderful manners and polite sense of humor. Indeed I am a wise lady and I will not stand living with a fool or a cry-baby. I know that I am worth thousands of women; my intelligence is far more advanced than it is of an average lady my age; my sexuality is million times stronger than it is of a young, inexperienced girls. I am worth a fortune and I am happy for you, because from now on you can write to me at http://lovelifeme.com/looks and we will learn each other better. You will never regret that you've finally met me!

Looking forward to hear from you soon

Gilian D"

Rocket Science

I just spent roughly 15 minutes assembling a leather office chair from Staples. The instructions were so easy they didn't even have words, just pictures with arrow signs.

As easy as it was and as much as I broke no sweat I heard these comments during the 15 minutes:

"Whoa. Multi talented!"
"Wouldn't catch me doing that."
"Wow, you are smart!"
"I could never do that."
"I'd offer to help but we'd be here all night!"
"You done that before?"

And my favorite:

"New chair?" (Three people said that).

Who Let Kyle In?

There's always a party crasher.

Bootz

These are the boots that were bought for me to wear during the movie that they let me keep:


I am wearing them today at work and my female boss actually looked me and said, "I like your look. You got it going on today!"

As opposed to every other day. But seriously, I'm blushing.

What's Your Name, B@#ch?!

I was reading up on my latest in Paris Hilton news, and it turns out that at the prison where she is staying, there are no razors, tweezers or wax allowed- that is, according to recent inmate, "Babydol".

What do you think your name would be if you were in the slammer? Luckily, I found the Prison Bitch Name Generator. Warning- it can get a tad dirty.

- Skankster

Who's Feeling Shy?

I was at a party briefly this weekend and saw someone I know who confessed that he reads my blog, but never comments because he is worried he's not funny enough. That is crazy! I'm not going to name names but for someone who hosts karaoke as well as he does, I'm sure he's got a few tricks up his Steve, I mean, sleeve!

Anyway, I thought, maybe the comments section is a bit intimidating. So I will give you all an exercise/challenge. Following this will be a short blog "entry". The goal is to come up with the most un-funny comments possible. Sound good? Let's go:


"Hey, look at me! I'm a baby penguin! I can't wait to walk 200 miles in the frozen tundra to find one mate I'm stuck with and maybe get an egg out of the deal with which I have to sit on it for the duration of the freezing cold winter with a bunch of pissed off penguins in a gargantuan huddle only to find my kid's going to be a little snot like me and garner as much attention as possible until it gets old and ugly! Where's the goddamn zoo?"

Paro Wants To Hear About The War

This is Paro, the Mental Commitment Robot.



The inventors claim that "Unlike industrial robots, Mental Commitment Robots are developed to interact with human beings and to make them feel emotional attachment to the robots." Which is handy when your grandkids hate you.

Hey Guys!

What a weekend! For the last three days I was shooting the movie and I am so tired! Long story short it was a great shoot. I learned a lot, got professionally flogged by a dominatrix, took stunt choreography training from a WWE wrestler, hung out with a Coen brother, learned how not to crack a whip, and made a bunch of new friends. But I am so tired! I think it's because I got home at an ungodly hour!

Hey, can you guess when Tempy got home this morning? If you answer correctly within the closest half hour, you win a prize.

Here's a hint: I got home at 5 am.