Better Than Hallmark?
I have a new favorite eCard site.
It even has an apology for pissing the bed. Seriously.
A day by day and often hourly account of a temp
I have a new favorite eCard site.
Blarf. In doing research for this "Mistress" character, I've been trolling the internet. I know, I know, the last thing I'll find on the 'net is anything remotely sex related but I thought I'd try. Turns out there are quite a few sites. Anyway, once again I was led to a site about ballbusting.
Turns out everyone in this office is on IM. That's all they do all day. That's why the Girl Next To Me just types and laughs all day.
If you ever had hope Americans had any chance of being taken seriously on this earth, the Creation Museum opened this week to hordes of giddy Southerners. Included in this $27 million biblical romp through the Garden of Eden (complete with full scale dinosaur replicas, of course... you do remember that they too shared the Garden with humans. Right? RIGHT?!) there is also a planetarium and a two story tall "re"-creation of Noah's Ark.
Stop the presses. David Hyde Pierce is gay.
This is the new KFC Chicken and Biscuit Bowl:
Guess what's going on?! This guy called a meeting but he's not at work yet and has not called anyone and his meeting is here waiting for him in the conference room and I got the guy water but now he's just sitting there and no one knows what to do and guess what? I don't care! I'm just waiting on my lunch.
For those of you who have been to Tempy's apartment you'll know Tempy runs a tight ship. I have had neither a single roach nor mouse in three years due to my exceptional cleanliness and high pitched noise pest deterrent contraption thing. So while I know we live in New York City, you can imagine my delight to find the worst of the worst this morning taking a walk in my apartment- the waterbug.
I found myself at a house this weekend with one of those cats that "won't hurt you, she just doesn't like people". Which was great when the little b@#ch snuck up to my leg under the table, sniffed it for a full nerve wracking minute and then decided to both scream and swipe at my bare flesh.
From Britney Spears' website today:
I often wonder what is really going on in the minds of celebrity children. I mean, really, how can you live your life knowing nothing but the flashbulbs of the paparazzi, frequent plane trips to exotic locales and unlimited privileges? Well, wonder no more, as your dutiful Tempy has managed to find the secret online blogs of said children. Enjoy...
Due to some inexplicable force I was again driven to visit my old restaurant this weekend. Maybe it's the burgers or the steak skewers, it could be the atmosphere or the slow but friendly service, either way, I went back. So as you may remember from last time, I had an interesting conversation with the busboy who recently had a baby. She's the one who "fell off the bed" but "bounced back" (get it?!)
As some of you know, Tempy has also have been known to do some film and theater work, and not of the R Kelly kind. I recently got cast in a short film where I will be playing a dominatrix with a heart of gold. I'd blog about it as my actor alter-ego but we do not yet have the technological capacity for on-set PC's. Although I'm sure the union is working on it.
I am finally getting payback for all the times I popped vicodin when I was not in pain. This lower back pain I've had has gotten so bad, I actually had to call my (new) doctor who can't see me for two weeks. Last night I had to sleep with a pillow under my legs because I googled what I should do to sleep better. Yes, I googled how to sleep with lower back pain. I am 60 years old, by the way.
This article claims that a hammerhead shark was able to fertilize its own eggs and have a baby. Experts said it is the first confirmed case of shark parthenogenesis, which in Greek means "virgin birth". People are up in arms about the scientific meaning of this concept, but I think Catholics should be more concerned about the fact that their savior has returned in the form of a hammerhead shark.
I have not gotten my hands on the video montage of my dog walker drunk, but I instead found this:
I am awaiting embedding capacities for a video of my dog walker drunk that is going around MySpace. If you have an account, you can see it here.
Let's talk accessories people. And yes, I am looking at both men and women when I say "handbag". Today on the train I saw a woman with a little tourist-purse bag thing. You know the kind that are big enough for a passport but too small for that summons from the fashion police? This one in particular had a bear glued on but wait- it was supposed to look like the bag was the bear's backpack, and yet there were no straps on said bear's arms. So, was it just supposed to be a bear stuck on a bag? It's too early in the morning for this kind of quagmire.
The Girl Next To Me is going to Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament this Friday. She needed some terminology to bring with her in order to add to her friends' planned drinking game at the event. Having nothing to do all day but pet horses, go on walks and blog, I offered to do some research for her.
I've been feeling the need to get in touch with child-like happiness, so I just walked to Central Park and befriended a horse named Phalem. It felt so good to touch his face, delicately bent into my hand, until I remembered that this magnificent creature should be running wild on the plains, not chained up to a carriage in a park hoisting around overweight Midwesterners, abiding by its handler because its spirit had been broken by a whip and a stupid human name.
My co-worker just told me I had "issues" because I used a "calligraphy font" on an "envelope".
The Girl Next To Me and I were just talking about platonic opposite sex friends and how great it is to get an insight into how the other half lives. GNTM had dinner with said platonic friend last night where he spent the whole time picking her brain about what to do with his crazy girlfriend.
I just spent an hour on the phone with a Verizon representative in Kentucky after a mistake on their part cost us exorbitant cellphone bills for the last three months. She "just caint understaind how you people could not notice for three months wheyen the beyall was so high".
Of all the junk e-mail I have received, this one's my favorite:
It's almost summer and you know what that means!
Somebody help me out here. I am a dog lover, I have a dog, puppies make me smile. But why... why is it in almost every neighborhood I am in I always see the infamous Chihuahua twin phenomenon. Basically, it's like this- there is always someone "walking" two Chihuahua's. One is being held like a tired two year old, and the other is on the ground, but off the leash. Do you know what I'm talking about? You never see two Chihuahua's walking on the leash, or both off the leash, or both being held, oh no. And why is it that the one on the ground walks like it has scoliosis and hops around a bit as if the sidewalk is too hot?
Welcome to the last five minutes of thoughts in my head:
Girl Next To Me: Britney Spears is such a ho.
Hey guys, guess what? It's Dead Baby Bird Season! You see, every year around this time the birds have already built their nests, met their mate and laid a batch of eggs and are currently awaiting the hatching. Invariably it only makes sense that sometimes, due to wind or irresponsibility, a stray egg will fall to the ground. So now you have a dead baby bird on the sidewalk. Hence, the aptly named season.
That's it. I give up. I was perusing a picture of a cute puppy on the internet and I saw in the comments section that someone referred to the dog as a "fur baby".
This article is amazing.
For those of you who do not know, "Frum" (pronounced froom, like a Roomba but without the Ba) is a term used in the Jewish community. Yiddish for pious, it's also the word orthodox Jews use in New York when trolling for outer-marital sex on craigslist missed connections.
I'm not kidding, I will actually be taking this class with my friend next month.
My favorite little hairplug guy here just announced his resignation. What will I do now? I actually really got along well with him.
Well spank my behind and call me Sally. Tempy is in the worst mood. Everyone in the office is depressed, the Girl Next To Me who is 27 just said, "I'm old" and I hate everything. Can somebody please send me something, anything to brighten my day?
That's a drink, people. Namely it's the shot of choice of the security/door guys downstairs. They told me about this place around the corner that they drink at where the cocktails are "mad cheap" and strong. I made the mistake of telling them I used to bartend and now all they do is ask me about drinks. Red Headed Slut shot is a favorite. I forget because I only made it once but I think it's Jaeger and Southern Comfort with a splash of cran but some people substitute peach schnapps for the SoCo. Either way, I'm checking your ID.
I am making arrangements for my boss and her daughter to attend a retreat. Just so you know, here's a list of things that will be discussed at the 2007 Mother Preteen Daughter Retreat:
Wouldn't it be funny if in his next life, Dick Cheney returned as this:
24 has been renewed for two more seasons but get this- they are completely revamping the series. New cast members, new premises and new locations. Which basically means a. my prayers have been answered and if God really is listening to me then b. Jake Gyllenhaal should be calling my house any minute now and c. There will be so many left overs from the meeting I made catering arrangements for upstairs I can take enough food home for days. But actually I care more about the food than Jake Gyllenhaal because he's dating Reese Whitherspoon and I really like her and I hope it works out.
It is a certain child's one year birthday today and I need a flash animated fun birthday ecard to send. Anyone have any site recommendations?
Jerry Falwell died today.
Alright guys. You know you want to win the Metro caption contest.
"Hey Tempy. Do you mind running several mindless errands around the neighborhood on this sinfully beautiful day?"
I got this letter in my email account from this imaginary British prick named "Mr. Douglas Sheneman" with some scam about finding a "dormant" account, and can he "put the money in my name". I have edited the letter to give you the gist but I have also italicized the spelling errors:
If you are interested.
There's this crazy story in the news about a sea lion (named Astro) who was abandoned by his mother. Instead of shacking him up with the Notorious Knut on the Island of Misfit Wild Animals For Profit, he was bottle fed and released back in the water. But Astro so missed human touch he has since twice attempted human contact. The first time he swam under the Golden Gate Bridge and went onshore. They dropped him off 27 miles away from San Francisco but he returned the next week. To join a walk-a-thon. He saw kids doing laps on a course they made and decided to join them for an entire lap.
I think that would have to be one of my favorite Garfield quotes. But as far as this toxic flush went, which promptly went into "Operation Reverse" on Friday night at approximately 8:30 pm, I actually lost some weight and feel really good. I can't wait to gain all the pounds and sluggishness back. But until then, I'll revel in my new found appreciation for health.
I still can't move my head to the right. Ever since I was little, once in a blue moon I'd get neck spasms, so they are nothing new. But just because a. I'm a hypochondriac and b. I have nothing to do, I decided to do some internet research on muscle spasms.
Alcohol abusers may have legal problems such as drinking and driving. They may also have problems with binge drinking (drinking 6 or more drinks at one sitting)."
PS I think my spasm may have something to do with taking a nap on the couch last night.
I have a muscle spasm that hurts more than anything. I cannot turn my head to the right and yet I keep forgetting that. Ow.
Somebody help me out here. I was watching a rerun of The Colbert Report last night and Jane Fonda got in Colbert's lap, and passionately kissed him on the lips not once but twice. It got... creepy. I'm going to ask for G-String's help on this one, if she is at liberty to say.
I may have an audition coming up and I may have to use this Hillary Duff monologue from the critically acclaimed, "A Cinderella Story":
Quick! A game!
I just went across the hall to this other company that does the same thing our company does.
Inspirational Corporate Quote of the Day:
This is kind of gross for so many reasons.
Well, I found the pool of ink the leaky pen left at the bottom of my pen-holder that got all of my pens wet with ink that consequently transferred onto my skin.
I am having an argument with my office mate about this diet we're on. She claims she can't use artificial sweeteners in her coffee because the diet states "No sugar or sweetener". I said that "sweetener" counts as honey, and if they didn't want you on Splenda, they would have said, "no artificial sweetener". She thinks I'm wrong, we are both frustrated, and all we've had to eat the last three days are fruits, vegetables and water.
What a name. Anyway, Mitt Romney is a Mormon, and he's running for president. Here's what Al Sharpton had to say in a recent debate with author Christopher Hitchens:
Okay, one morning mystery is solved. There's this guy who gets off at the subway stop I get on at, and our paths cross on the sidewalk every morning. And every time he sees me he waves and says hi to me. Obviously, I'm a bit freaked. This happens almost every day.
From the Post today about a Derby after party:
There were no takers, and a spy said Kid started to "tool" on Federline, making fun of him."
Oh, okay. That's innocent enought I mean they were just... wait...
"While Kid Rock was verbally jousting with Federline, his girlfriend, May Anderson, was giving her own performance. The Danish beauty lay on the floor of the club, pulled her skirt up and allowed her friends to take photos of her undergarments."
And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse:
"Across the room, Scott Speedman was unsuccessfully hitting on every blonde at the party, including the sober former Miss USA, Tara Conner, while Star Jones and Al Reynolds ground hips nearby."Thanks Page 6.
Russian Cosmonauts recently said:
"The hardest thing is coming back to Earth. The problem is not so much the mundanity of earthly existence -- bills to pay, food to buy, chores to complete. But the muscle fabric degrades very much. It's hard to walk. You have to learn how to walk again, like a small child."He then added, "And the diapers. I miss wearing the diapers."
In figuring out potential show titles (long story) I came across this site. It is a slogan generator. Simply put in a word or name, and it will create a slogan for you. Mine was Solutions For a Small Tempy. Try it out!
The jockey of Kentucky Derby winner, Street Sense, was recently invited to the White House for a White Tie dinner. He brought his fiancee along. You can't tell from this picture, but I saw her on the news and she is a fine looking lady:
For those of you who don't know, I'm on a seven day detox plan. Yes, I'm doing it. Yesterday was all fruit. Seriously, nothing but fruit and water. I probably peed 20 times yesterday but the big "selling point" of the diet, if you will, is the fact that your "disposition will improve" and your "urine will be clear". We can only hope.
No, no- don't worry. Just because I haven't blogged in five hours or so doesn't mean I've been working or anything crazy like that.
Dear God, it happened:
I was in a great mood this morning until I saw this headline about these two spiders that set up camp in a boy's ear.
I am now experimenting with new ways to sit in my chair.
Have you ever been so frustrated by someone who is acting illogically that steam actually almost comes out of your ears?
Just for fun and because we all secretly have body issues, a bunch of us in the office claim we are going on this diet next week. Allegedly you lose 10-17 lbs in a week. People here swear by it. Here's the menu:
Day One All fruits except bananas. Your first day will consist of all the fruits you want. It is strongly suggested that you consume lots of melons the first day. Especially watermelon and a loupe. If you limit your fruit consumption to melons, your chances of losing three lbs. on first day are very good.
Day Two All vegetables. You are encouraged to eat until you are stuffed with all the raw or cooked vegetables of your choice. There is no limit on the amount or type. For your complex carbohydrate, you will start day two with a large baked potato for breakfast. You may top the potato with one pat of butter.
Day Three A mixture of fruits and vegetables of your choice. Any amount, any quantity. No bananas yet. No potatoes today.
Day Four Bananas and milk. Today you will eat as many as eight bananas and drink three glasses of milk. This will be combined with the special soup which may be eaten in limited quantities.
Day Five Today is feast day. You will eat beef and tomatoes. Eat two 10 oz. portions of lean beef. Hamburger is OK. Combine this with six whole tomatoes. On day five you must increase your water intake by one quart. This is to cleanse your system of the uric acid you will be producing.
Day Six Beef and vegetables. Today you may eat an unlimited amount of beef and vegetables. Eat to your hearts content.
Day Seven Today your food intake will consist of brown rice, fruit juices and all the vegetables you care to consume.
FYI, our IT guys are very young, like late 20's or so.
Me: Hey, I'm getting sushi for lunch.
Last night I went to a screening of a movie at the Tribeca Film Festival and finished the evening at a party at the W Hotel, because I'm so fresh like that. Here's what I learned:
Okay, if you haven't already heard, Courtney Love is auctioning off all of Kurt Cobain's things. When asked why she wasn't keeping it for her daughter, she actually said, "My daughter doesn't need to inherit a giant ... bag full of flannel ... shirts."
My friend's friend is a teacher or counselor or something, I forget, but here is a story of a conversation she recently had with a five year old girl she works with.
My dog is afraid of pools, lakes and ponds. I'm pretty sure this goes back to an incident that happened when he was a puppy. I took him to this park where he could be off the leash, so he was running willy-nilly as puppies are wont to do and ran straight into a pond that was covered in lily pads. Needless to say, instead of walking across the water like our little baby Jesus, he sank. Quickly. I had to save him from the pond and 'till this day, he walks around puddles for fear that one of them might be deep like that pond.
Dear Park Slope couples who take the train to their jobs in Manhattan,