Wha?

For those of you who have been wondering about my whereabouts, this place actually gives me work. I mean, nothing too challenging but damn. I mean, really? I have blogs to write and gossip to catch up on.

In other news, it's day 3 of me needing to wake my dog only to have him curl up and go back to sleep as I get dressed before the walk. Then I have to get him up again, and he just shakes it out and puts on a happy face but the SECOND we're back in the house he acts like we've run the marathon.

Oh Jesse, I'm sorry I've taken so much out of you. But do me this one favor: before you curl up on my bed, could you not rub it in by a. walking about and causing that comforting 'creak' noise and b. refrain from pleasureably scratching at the spot on which you will eventually flop. And I could do without the satisfied sigh as well.

Jerk.

In other news, I did my own taxes!

Field Trip

Um, of course I'll walk to the bank and deposit $111,114. Sure. Hey, have you ever seen the beginning of Psycho?

No, I'd never do that. But I'd sure drop by Forever 21 since it's on the way...

I'm a fast walker; no one had a clue.

Recipe Time (and Contest)!

Hey guys! Thanks to my friend Lauren, I have the most awesomest recipe to share with you. It is easy, compatible with other foods, and makes great leftovers.

It lacks a name, so your job, my friends, will be to suggest some. Whoever wins will get nothing as this office does not have Peppermint Patti's.

Recipe:

5 tomatoes, peeled and cubed
1 lb raw green beans, cut into 2 inch pieces
4 cloves of garlic with the skin on

Put it all in a pot on medium. Do not add water or anything! It will turn itself into a stew-like substance within 10 minutes. Keep hear low, stir occasionally. Add salt to taste.

Cook approximately 40 mins, or until the beans are soft. Voila!

You can put this concoction over brown rice, firm tofu cubes, pasta or chicken! Makes a great side dish as well. Put some in tupperware and bring it to work with you for lunch. Or just keep it around the house for a light snack.

All it needs is a name...

Older Men and Slideshow Presentations

Good morning!

So I have a new non-sexual older man crush. You see, a non-sexual older man crush is when you are sort of obsessed with someone but get a little uncomfortabe at the thought of having sex with them. For me past crushes have included Harrison Ford, Dave Letterman and Jon Stewart. My newest one?

Al Gore.

Yes, I said it. Last night I watched An Inconvenient Truth, the Oscar winning tree hugging documentary about global warming. But it is so awesome. I think the reason I am enamored with Al Gore is because he is doing something amazing; he goes from town to town, country to country presenting this incredibly well researched slideshow presentation, just to get the word out. I could not imagine our current president doing anything worthwhile with his time had he not "won". Also, Gore looks good with a little meat on his bones. And he's kind of funny. Who knew?

So cheers to you, Mr. Gore. I never liked your wife because of that whole parental warning nonsense on CD's, but I tolerate her a little bit more seeing as how you rock my world.

Speaking of which, I'd like to officially announce my plans on moving to higher grounds in the years ahead. Just in case, you know, an ice shelf breaks off and melts...

My Spreadsheet

Yeah, I made a kick ass spreadsheet. Jealous L-Rose? So check this out- my superviser leaves at 3 and it seems that everyone in the office does too. So if I can find my way past the receptionist, I'm leaving this job mad early. But first, I need to catch up on my internet trash of the day.

At Least My Sandwich Was Good

Some things I'm going to have to bear over the next 3 days (That's right, I'm here 'till Thursday).

1. We share an office with a Russian company so I am listening to Russian all day, which is fine, but at the same time it seems that there is a limitless amount of things for them to talk about loudly and in Russian.

2. When I do a search on windows, this cute little puppy appears in lieu of that stupid paper clip. But the damn thing takes too long, reminds me of my dog which makes me sad, and everytime he "searches" the animated dog scratches the floor. There is an option to turn it off, but I have a feeling I'll get a "sad face" dog, and that will make me more depressed.

3. No Aeron chair. Who the f#$k do they think I am?

No. I'm Not That Creative

I could not even make this up. This is the sign in the bathroom I had to steal off the stall (it's okay, there's a ton of them and I think it's just gross).

"Please make sure that you 'flush' the toilet bowl when you have finished doing your business. In addition, turn around and look back and make sure all of your bodily debris has been flushed away, leaving a nice clean bowl for the next person.

Remember at some point you will be that next person and no one wants to look at a prior person's left overs.

Your kind cooperation in this matter is greatly appreciated".

I just don't know what to say. I'm scared.

Barely Broke a Sweat

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I have a very serious announcement to make.

Are you sitting down?

Good.

Ahem. I, Tempy, after approximately four months of off and on temp work... actually did something.

I know, I need a moment too.

I edited three resumes.

Off to lunch. I need a gatorade and carbs after all that hard work.

Alpha Dog

Actual conversation that just happened:

Woman Training Me introducing me to Big Important Guy: Hi ****, this is Katharine. She'll be helping us out today.

Big Important Guy: Well, do we have anyone for the other office?!

Woman: Well, no but I...

Big Important Guy: Can we send her over there?!!!

Woman: I, uh thought sir... she could be better utilized as a...

Big Important Guy: I mean, whatever! You know best I suppose.

Woman: But sir, I...

Big Important Guy: Fine!!!

(As we turn to leave)

Me: Sir, it was really nice to meet you.

Big Important Guy: Uh, you too.

Me (to Woman Who is Clearly a Doormat): So where's the coffee at?



Good Morning.

And

Okay, Did I need to eat the tiramisu just now? Did I really need to eat the tiramisu?!

Last Hour

My shoes are off and on this sweet Rubbermaid footrest. I also have four water bottles in my bag. Looks like I'm done, kids. I have to say, this place is nice. Catered food, good staff, not much to do. I managed to get some work done and even had time for a little fun. The internet is an extraordinary thing.

This day will go down in history as the day Tempy ate her weight in catering. Oh, and my friend going into labor.

And the Winner is...

The judging was difficult. But the winner of the first ever Feeling Tempy Caption Competition is... L-Rose. However it was tough. Maybe it was the orgy photo that tipped me over the edge. Props to Boyd for being the first one to respond, and for a great laugh out loud caption. But it looks like L-Rose is the winner of the mini Peppermint Patti. Congrats to all!

A New Addiction

This is bad. dailypuppy.com

Now I have to go on this website every day.

Retraction

I have been asked by a source who will remain nameless who happens to have a 9 month old girl, that I clarify that egg whites and pine nuts are indeed dangerous for babies. Tempy regrets the error. Everything else in that posting however, is true.

Except the shaking baby part, kids love that.

Kidding! Kidding!

Baby Time!

I just found out that a two good friends of mine are about to give birth. Well, the woman is, the man is just watching. Either way, a baby will be born soon. And so, I have a little advice about some of the things they should expect. What make me an expert on babies you ask? I used to be one.

1. Newborn babies are slippery. My favorite story ever is when my Mom tells me of how the nurse almost dropped me as I slipped out of her hands when she slid into a pool of my placenta on the floor. Hahahahaha! Wouldn't that be funny if she hadn't caught me? Great story, Mom.

2. It is said that the process of birth is the most traumatizing thing any human will ever go through so be very sensitive to your baby's feelings in the first couple of days.

3. Never shake a baby.

4. Nunca Sacuda a Un Bebe.

5. Si Ves Algo, Di Algo!

6. Babies can be allergic to things, and so it's important to immunize them immediately. I prefer homemade and organic immunizations. I find that if you mix pine nuts with egg whites and give it to your baby as soon as he can open his mouth, you'll be guaranteed he will have no allergies.

7. Stock up on snacks. When you hire a babysitter (ahem) she may want to eat all of your food. And she should. Heck, it's sad enough that she's 31 and babysitting, let her eat whatever she wants.

8. Just a small shopping list:
Crib Bedding
Crib Sheets
Receving Blankets
Mattress Pads
Waterproof Liners
Baby Blankets
Nursing Pillows
Bumpers
Sleepers
Nursery Decor
Changing Tables
Dressers
Lighting
Baby Soap
No-Tears Shampoo
Baby Oil
Baby Powder
Ointment
Petroleum Jelly
Sterile Cotton Balls
Baby Nail Scissors
Baby Brush
Liquid Aspirin
Antibiotic Aspirin
Bottles
Nipple and Rings Bottle Cooler
Bottle Liners Bottle Brush
Bottle Rack
4 Bibs
3Teethers
Breast Pump
Breast Pads
Highchair
Nursing Pillow
Diaper Bag

We are so excited for you!

More, Please

Hey, I have a question. How much free food can I shove into my fat face? This lunch is ridiculous.

Oh Boy

I just screwed up big time. This important guy asked me to cancel his lunch but what I did was canceled his lunch for today. Turns out it was for tomorrow. I'm a temp, change your own damn lunch. So now he is reservation-less and I told his friend who called that it was canceled. And then I realized my mistake. It's a long story. I need a nap.

PS that contest goes on for another few hours... Keep up the good work, L-Rose and Boyd.

Game Time!

Hey, let's play a game! Whoever comes up with the best caption to this image wins a prize. Just have fun, and you can enter more than once!

Oh My Stomach

I just ate six miniature Peppermint Patti's. I know I shouldn't but I just can't stop. They're free and just five feet away from me.

Stuffy

There's a lot of closed door meetings in this office. What, like I'm going to tell anyone anything I hear? My internet here has no firewall; I'm on MySpace, I don't care about yourspace. It's when the man gives you nothing to do and no internet that you start to scheme.

What's that saying, teach a man to fish and blah blah blah? Well, give a temp her internet and she'll be content for weeks. Set up a firewall and watch her figure out how to sabotage your next big merger.

Organization

There's nothing like getting specific instructions not to mess up someone's stuff that makes you want to that much more. This is from my manual written by the anal retentive assistant I'm temping for.

Highlighted: "Please do not re-arrange anything on my desk".

Oh man, too late.

Speaking of tempting, I thought my friend Lauren's kitchen was the most amazing wonderland in the world. Not so. The kitchen here is so awesome, it's like a vending machine exploded. I mean, there are Twizzlers for chrissakes. All kinds of coffee. Cereal boxes that go on for days. Man, this is living.

Oh, and I screwed up and ordered someone the wrong car.

Guess Who?

Aw yeah, you bet I'm back. For one day only, I am at your service. And at the service of three very important men who like their phones answered in a very particular way.

A lot has happened since I've been gone. Britney shaved her head, I got a job at an online magazine and George Bush is still as incompetent as ever but just as blissfully clueless. I wonder what drug he's on. Oh that's right, I forgot. It's Jesus Christ.

Okay, I just got recognized. Let me explain. The "Head Guy" at the place I'm working at is actually the husband of a good friend of mine. In fact, we were in an Off-Broadway show together for quite some time, and of course, all of her husbands co-workers came. Now in this show, I was the brash, foul mouthed, short skirted, knee length boot wearing whore. Not a real stretch, mind you (I'm method). Today, I am actually wearing pearls and a conservative sweater with smart slacks. I said slacks, that's right. So imagine the confusion of everyone here today. I've gotten a lot of double takes and odd grins. This guy actually just came up to me and said, "I gotta know..." Yes. Yes, it's me. And now I'm working for you.

(awkward)